Monday, June 29, 2015

no happier

I moved because I wasn't happy in New York.  It was very stressful living alone, working with a lower salary, paying student loans, the commute, the lack of good friends, the dark dreariness of fall & winter.  I hoped that Colorado would bring some happiness back into my life.

But I am the same person.  I didn't change just because I moved.  I still have a hard time meeting people, so I don't really have friends, I am still living this extremely solo independent life.  I am still at a job that pays less than it should, so my financial situation hasn't really improved.  I am still paying off my student loans, but now I also have a car payment.  My current commute sucks, I wonder how did I complain about taking a train to work when I sit in traffic in the car which is worse in my opinion. I have a roommate.  The sun...the sun is an area of improvement.  I love it.  And when it is cloudy or overcast for the whole day, I feel it.

Was this all worth it?? I am at the same happiness level I think.  But it has been good for me because I don't have anyone I can rely on here and that is a bit of a test.  I had space to think. I had space to mourn. I had time to cry.  I have so much free time that I am wasting because I am either tired of doing things alone or don't have the finances to do it, or don't know where to go.

I've met a few people who also moved out here, and they adjusted much better than I have.  They made friends, they keep busier, they met guys or are dating.

Maybe that just isn't the life I am destined to have.

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