Thursday, February 20, 2014

be my angel

This past month has been harder on me than I thought it would be.  A day hasn't gone by where I didn't think about you and teared up or cried.  The hardest part is my guilt for not doing enough for you, but how could I because I had no idea how sick you were.  I've struggled with the fact that I didn't even make the list of those to be notified, and then wondered if I ever meant anything to you.

But then I keep getting flashbacks from when we were at the bar and you looked me in the eye and you told me I was your angel, that I was always there for you when you needed someone.  

And I always felt it wasn't enough or that you didn't appreciate me.  And because of that, I resisted telling you I loved you, because I wanted to feel that.  But of course I loved you....which is why I was so upset about you giving my earring to another woman...because you apparently took no time to be with someone else and I still loved you.  What if I didn't resist,  what if f that didn't happen, maybe i would have been by your side to help you when you were sick.  Or maybe that is why you didn't tell me, because you knew I would have done everything I could have for you.  And I keep wondering if stress is what brought the cancer back, and if so, I am I partially to blame? After all that ----- job came through my school's listserv and I forwarded it to you.  That was the beginning of the end for us...and maybe you too :(

It is crazy I am this torn up...I mean we had such a messed up, strange somewhat stressful, non-relationship.  From causal to love. A love that neither of our families even knew about, but not because I was embarrassed by it or anything. I don't know why.  So of course no one gets why I am so upset, we broke up in May/June of last year.   I've only loved two guys, and well, you were the most recent.  

If you've been watching me struggle this past month, you know that I talk to you sometimes.  Well, today I decided that I did a lot for you for that year and a half you lived here.  Now it is your turn to do things for me, show me that you actually cared about me and weren't using me.  I am calling on you to help me through the next year and a will bring people to my (our) apartment, someone will love it and buy it at less of a loss than they are predicting - and soon, you will guide me through my move, assist me with finding a really great job that pays well, maybe some friends and most importantly, you will bring me to my future husband.  You will guide my way, it's your turn to be my angel.  I will know then that you loved me in your own little weird way and we'll be even.  ;)  And if you were behind me passing my certification test get brownie points :) thank you.

Now come on, let's get to work.  Time to change my life.


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