Saturday, February 22, 2014

insecurities and endings

Mountain Man asked me a simple question "Do you pay your life coach money, or is sort of a friendly advice kind of thing?"

I responded:

Yes, my life coach gets paid, not a lot because I am kinda broke…but she does it on the side.  What I like about her is that she is educated (MBA) and she is single in her 50s.  I can relate to her.  She does know most of my family….but remains objective when I talk about them.  My mom introduced me to her in my early 20s when I was lost about a career.  I saw her a few months and that was it.  But two years after my breakup, I needed someone else to talk to so I reached out to her and have spent two hours once a month for the last 5 years or so chatting with her.  It started as getting over depression, working on myself, regaining some self-esteem, finding ways to get out of the fog, etc.  It was slow, but I benefited a lot from it.  I’d go through cycles, so last year after the end of my manfriend, I was better equipped to handle my feelings/issues.  Most recently I haven’t had a lot to talk about, there is only so much I can say about waiting to move, my job, my lack of friends, applying for jobs, my family, etc.  I am probably beyond stressed out because I noticed I am shutting people out, but with my 5 years with her, I know what needs to be done on my end.  The reality is, while I think I’ve kind of figured me out, in the areas of my path, things I want for my future, how to grow from my past…I probably need to talk to a shrink about my intimacy issues since that is a problem I am not really sure how to fix.  How sad is it that sex with someone scares me and then I under perform because I am so nervous. It has been eight years, you’d think I’d have gotten over it by now, but I haven’t.  And unfortunately most guys won’t wait around more than 10 attempts before I become comfortable enough with them to enjoy it (and with that comes better performance).  The last guy told me I was in his top 2 ever and he was with a lot of women (sure it took a while to adjust to the way he liked it and it did suck at the beginning, but I figured it out and then it was great, even if it was for under 5 minutes)….shouldn't that be enough to make my confidence soar?  But no, because with you I totally bombed again.  Hence why I don’t have sex with many people, or just keep going with people I am familiar with. It is sad that someone can mess you up in such a way that it messes with you years and years and years afterwards.  Ah the joy of emotional abuse.  Even that guy, after everything he did to me to get me where I am now, he still continued to sleep with me for a while afterwards so again, that should say something…but it doesn't seem to help me.  And I shouldn't need to have a drink or four to be with man in that way the first time, but sadly I do.  I find it interesting that after relationships end, people go crazy and sleep around – maybe in a way that could be helpful, but it was never something I did.  Now I just am very uncomfortable with the whole thing, and therefore in the last month I've struggled more with the fear of being alone for the remainder of my life – and anyway, part of that is life-coach help related, but part of it probably isn't.  While I probably don’t need her anymore, I keep thinking I am moving soon so like everything else, it would come to its natural end but that is taking a little longer than I had planned for/expected.  Why should I be surprised? Very rarely do things go as planned.

Well, now you know way more about me than you ever wanted to.  I guess I’d like to say that I don’t want you to feel like you have to continue to talk to me.  Unlike you, I do believe in fate, and I've wondered why we met; for what purpose.  And I think I for me, it was so I’d get wrapped up in this moment that when my manfriend told me about the cancer I didn't drop everything to help him (how sad) or that I wouldn't have slept with a co-worker in San Diego and/or to experience a part of the country I wouldn't have otherwise to realize there are some decent men out by the mountains.  It was a lot of fun in the summer through the fall. I really looked forward to our chats and everything, they brought a smile to my face daily and was something I looked forward to.  But with what you said about your commitment issues and my desire for a whirlwind romance that I might be incapable of but desperately need to escape my current reality, I know it wouldn't go further than this.  And I think I was latching on because of my desire to escape.  I am not even sure if there was physical attraction on either end.  it was very obvious in January that you weren't interested and your emails or texts have seemed forced since then.  And the last thing I want is to be a chore you feel like you need to get over with.  You are a really interesting guy, I can honestly say I haven’t known too many like you, which I guess was my big draw, you were so completely different. And I need different.  Thank you again for all your help over the last few months, I really appreciated it.  And true to our word, I have no regrets ;) well, maybe just one, but that is a totally me needing to be better about enforcing condom use.

If you ever want to check in, please don't hesitate to send a message.  And if I am completely off base and you actually do enjoy chatting with me still, then by all means, continue.  And if not, well, I wish you the absolute best and good wishes for your future.  

Clearly I have a lot going on.  All I needed to say was "yes, I pay her". But instead I found myself typing away.  More to myself than for him, which is why I have a blog. I know I can't send this email to him and because of that I haven't responded to him in a few days.

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