The last two weeks have been difficult, but now, now I am a little depressed. Not surprising of course. All the thinking I've been doing, I am not shocked about this. But the good thing is, I know it is happening so I won't get as depressed as I have been in the past. I just have to remember all those 'tools in my toolbox' to help me through this time. And as much as I need to pull out of it, I feel like I need a little time to wallow a little.
The depression isn't from ManFriend anymore, it is about me.
I have lots of baby showers coming up, a wedding, and of course all the other people out there that have life events...and I still don't. I keep saying that I am OK if I end up alone, but that isn't the truth. I was excited getting to know Mountain Man and I was hoping for this whirlwind romance and was disappointed when I realized it wasn't remotely close to that. I read books and watch movies and they all have these romantic happy endings; is it so bad to want that? Is it bad that I want to love again, even though I barely remember how wonderful it was. Of course it isn't, which is why I am sad...because I don't know if that is possible. Maybe I had my one chance and blew it. Maybe that was it for me.
I was cleaning out a junk drawer today and I found a picture of SI that I used to keep in my wallet, one of my favorite photos of him. I start to wonder what my life would have been like if it wasn't like this. What would it have been like if I ended up with Cop#1 or SI? Would I have children? Would I be happy? Would I have been more fulfilled? No point thinking about it. don't want to make myself crazier than I am.
This is what I got, and I just need to figure out how to make the most of it. I feel like it is a cycle, I do well, time passes by, I am somewhat content, get a little hopeful, and then a new round of depression. So I know I'll be ok again. I just need a bit of time.