Wednesday, December 17, 2014

lingering sadness over ManFriend

With all my free time, I decided to pull out my scrapbook, finishing up November 2013.  The last year has been overwhelming with everything I've done and the places I've been, and I was way behind in uploading and ordering photos, which I completed last week.  Now I just need to wait for a great sale on prints.

Having only a few pages left, I decide to have my last page be a ManFriend memory.  Unfortunately he was very camera shy and didn't take photos. I only had one of him that I took of his photo hanging on his wall from his sister's wedding so I can show my friend what he looked like, even if the picture was 10 years old.  And I went to linkedin at the beginning of the year and copied his photo from his profile.  Two really bad resolution photographs.  But I uploaded them for printing anyway, it is all I have of him. Seeing his pictures again made me smile.  I miss that face.

As his one year death anniversary is approaching, I can't help but miss him.  I've cried 80% of this year and was just starting to get through my days without thinking about him so much or shedding a tear and the month of January is going to be hard for me.

I have started to accept that I can't continue to blame myself for not knowing he was terminal; that was his decision.  I was a really amazing friend to him when we were friends.  After we broke up, it is normal to hold a little anger and frustration;  I know I can't continue to be mad about my behavior when he reached out to me out of the blue and told me {part} of his news; especially because he told me about the woman he was seeing...hard to listen to when you loved someone.  I still feel guilty about not doing enough for him; but that just loops back to one and two above - he decided that and I have to accept it.

A few weeks ago I blogged about writing a forgiveness email to ManFriend.  I did do that days after the post.  And I think that is when I started to stop tearing up regularly.  It really helped me.  I enjoyed thinking about the things I loved and hated.  I am fortunate to have met him and I know that we affected each other's lives because we were both in a bad place when we met and that turned around.  I never felt more connected to someone; I can't explain it - but it wasn't a connection like knowing so much or being on the same was more of a strong gravitational pull.  He said I was his angel and he is now my guardian angel {I hope, I asked for him...but I don't really know}, although he is probably very upset with me for being so teary-eyed and sad over him.

The sadness will fade with time but he will always remain in my heart.

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