Thursday, March 20, 2014

a dreaded conversation

Whenever I get a note from my mother that says, "Dee, I need to talk to you, let me know when you are free" I get nervous, a conversation I don't want to have is coming.

I arrange to meet my mother at her house for breakfast, I don't want to be out in public crying.

We make small talk while eating and then finally she tells me what is on her mind.  She told me that she was very concerned for me because I seem very sad and she wants me to see a therapist.  When I asked her when she noticed the sadness, she said it was after I got back from seeing Mountain Man after New Years.  Yes, I would probably agree, I noticed a change in me then too.  I was upset that the thing with Mountain Man wasn't more, I was upset that ManFriend seemed more sick than he was letting on.  Then ManFriend died and while I blogged to you about it, I really didn't have anyone else to talk about it, and I just haven't snapped out of it.  I told my mother about my January and explained that ManFriend's death was hard for me because I loved him, sort of. and how can I talk about it to my family when none of them really even knew about him, let alone my feelings for him.  She said I was shutting people out, that I haven't let anyone in a while, that i have this huge shield protecting me and pushing people away.  She thinks is stems from SI.  She might be right, but it is not intentional.

Why should I see a therapist now?  I made it through the darkest days of my life without one, I don't think the loss of ManFriend and the disappointment in Mountain Man is worse than what happened 8 years before.

It hasn't been easy to find a single guy, I have a really hard time meeting people and even harder time to find someone who is interested in me in a possible future kind of way.  But, I did try to let people in.  I tried with ManFriend...and I was hurt and it was a messed up non-relationship, but I did develop very strong feelings for him and he knew a lot about my past, and if he wasn't such a bachelor, maybe it would have been more 'normal'.  Then I tried with Mountain Man....and well I don't know why he decided he wasn't into me, he just wasn't and I wasn't about to beg...I want a man to desire me and want to be with me exclusively (I learned from SI that I can't accept anything less) so that was that.  I tried.  I failed, which always sucks. But I tried.

So the question is, do I start to see a therapist?  I don't want to delve that much into my past, especially not my childhood...I don't want them to make me question why I am messed up.  And honestly, I really don't want to relive the pain of telling someone the stories of SI. I want to think that part of me is way behind in the past.  And I don't think I am THAT sad. I mean, I am not happy, but I am not as sad as I was years ago.  I am not in this fog where I am losing years of my life I don't remember because I am in shock.  I just have a lot going on....between the sadness, not feeling great and the stress of what is to come.

But I respect my mother and her courage to bring these taboo topics up.  She is worried about me and she is my mother and she would do anything in her power to make me happy.  You are never to old to have your mother worry about you, after all.  And after our conversation, I did feel a little better it was nice to talk about that stuff even if I was crying during most of the conversation.