Thursday, March 27, 2014

still alone

This week a friend whose husband left her with 2 children had another baby, another friend who tried to have a baby for years was blessed with a baby, my sister's 300 pound friend got married and I found out my cousin who had a really bad divorce is dating a man after being single for 5 years...they all struggled with big challenges for years that they were able to overcome.

Huge accomplishments for those four people this week, after years of challenging and difficult times.  Then I thought about it...I've been single almost 8 years.  EIGHT years is a long time...and where am I?  I didn't seriously 'date' anyone. I was involved with ManFriend but we didn't do couply things, but at least that was for a year and a half.  I still haven't overcome my biggest challenge.

Sure, the first 2-3 years I 'wasted' thinking someone would come around, but he didn't...and while I waited, he was dating.  My first mistake.  Next thing I knew I was in my 30s.  I was no longer the young, thin, happy person.  I was a bit jaded, sad, lonely and starting to age; nothing attractive in that.  Add in that I didn't go out because I didn't have any more friends.  My few friends I had were in NJ and my other friends all were married with kids. I didn't have anyone to go out with and I was too shy to go out alone.  The only conversations I was making in public places tended to be with old men or married men...not quite what I am looking for.

When I would go out with my ex-coworker, she got all the attention, even though I was smarter and a bit more witty she had the more carefree and fun personality that drew people in. But those weren't the kinds of men I wanted for anything long term anyway. I wanted a man that was looking for more than just my body. More than just one night.

On top of all this, I live in a family town...there aren't too many singles. In fact, I just read an article that Westchester's singles have dropped quite a bit in the last few years.  Thus, limiting my chance of meeting someone closer to home even more.

What about online dating you ask?  Well, that is how I met SI...and well, psycho.  I did try a few years ago, but the people that reached out to talk to me were strange and the other half were just looking for sex. I was not able to find a guy that seemed 'normal' or at least on there for the same reason as me.  After a few months, I closed the account.

Eight years is a long time to be single.  If I get the opportunity to be in a relationship, the adjustment is going to be really hard.  I've become so independent, and I will expect that someone will hurt me. Of course I am going to be optimistic going into anything, but part of my mind will be on guard.  I know I can't let past men's issues be the next person's problem.

While I haven't overcome my challenge of a relationship yet, I think I've made a lot of progress so when it does happen, I will be in a better place to embrace it.