Friday, January 31, 2014

resting easier

Sometimes when I am sad I need to know I am a good person. I need some sort of external validation to lift my spirits.

I decided to read an email from 2010 from SI where he said I was a wonderful, thoughtful and caring person.  I needed to hear those words because I am struggling with my guilt of not doing enough for ManFriend.  But I know I did enough.  In the 1 1/2 years we were involved I did so much for him and he barely acknowledged it.  Maybe he felt it and maybe he did appreciate it, but I didn't get that feedback regularly.

In the end, he wasn't my responsibility anymore, he broke up with me months before.  And he chose to withhold how sick he was so that means that he wasn't expecting anything from me.  Couple that with that I 'mourned' over the loss of him back in June when our involvement ended.  So, I know my life isn't going to change because he isn't here anymore, that change happened in May & June of last year.

So it took a week, but I am doing better.  I went through the shock (that I missed his death, that he was that sick, etc), the anger (him not telling me he was terminal), denial (where I had to look up his obituary several days later because I wasn't really sure), and now the acceptance.

I know I am a really nice person to those I care about, otherwise I wouldn't be so hurt when they disappointment me.  Maybe the loss of ManFriend was a bit more traumatizing because it was so recent and I never was sure about how he really felt about me, and that is something I struggled with over the last two years.  I have to remember the text he sent me in October, the day after his doctor's visit.  He said, he was thinking about me and seeing the doctor clenched his decision to reach out to me "because you've been there to support me when the times were tough".

Naturally, in my busy mind, I start to wonder about SI, the guy I know without a doubt that I loved.  If I found out he died, would I be so upset?  Probably not.  That has been over a long time, but at the same time, I really did love that guy so I am sure some of those memories would pop up...but then again, the email I referred to above told me, in the end, he knew how special I was...and I guess that is all I need to know, that I impacted someone's life for a period of time and they appreciated it.  Isn't that one of the most ultimate compliments?

So, the one time ManFriend told me I was his angel plus me helping him so much when he needed it, I know I impacted his life whether he said it or not.  I can now rest easier and get back to my life.

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