In this post I am just going to focus on my feelings of guilt with those that have died. Growing up, I was lucky, the only people I knew that passed away were great aunts/uncles and people my parents knew. Perhaps it was that kind of non-exposure that is doing me in now.
My grandmother broke her hip for a second time and was in the hospital. My mother suggested I go and visit with her, and I didn't, I wanted to hang out with my at the time boyfriend, SI. I could see my grandmother another day. But she died the next day from a blood clot, unexpected. I didn't visit with her and for a long time I felt guilty about choosing a (temporary) guy over my grandmother.
My godfather was ill, and my mother suggested I send a card. She knew he was terminal but did not tell me. I felt so bad at his wake/funeral because I felt like I was the only one that had no idea he was dying. I should have said more in my card.
When I saw an old high school friend Kevin a little over a year ago, I knew he didn't seem OK. But since we didn't really talk for a few years, was it my place to ask questions? We kept it light and he seemed happy enough but I walked away worried about him. A month later he took his life. I should have asked those hard questions...I should have done something. I don't think anything I could have said or done would have made a difference (especially because his siblings and family knew more and couldn't help him)...but maybe I would have felt better about myself.
And now with ManFriend/Neil...I should have read between the lines. I should have insisted for the truth. By the time I realized he wasn't as good as he was letting on...and by the time I got around to following up, he had already died. I know he wasn't my responsibility, but we had a strong/weird relationship and I did care about him a lot. Our relationship ended May/June of last year and I grieved over the loss of that friendship at that time, it still hurts now. I should have been a little nicer a few months ago, but I was so hurt and I didn't see the big picture because he wasn't honest about how sick he was.
I keep telling myself that I need to be more aggressive when I am in these situations, but I've failed every time. I chicken out or I think next time I talk to them, I will ask those harder questions or I'll go visit. next time. but then there isn't a next time. and I am left with guilt.