Sunday, January 26, 2014

there isn't a next time

In the last few years, I realized how much guilt I carry around.  I know I am a really nice person most of the time, but after things happen, I carry the extra burden of wondering if I really did enough.  I torture myself over these kinds of thoughts.

In this post I am just going to focus on my feelings of guilt with those that have died.   Growing up, I was lucky, the only people I knew that passed away were great aunts/uncles and people my parents knew. Perhaps it was that kind of non-exposure that is doing me in now.  

My grandmother broke her hip for a second time and was in the hospital.  My mother suggested I go and visit with her, and I didn't, I wanted to hang out with my at the time boyfriend, SI.  I could see my grandmother another day.  But she died the next day from a blood clot, unexpected.  I didn't visit with her and for a long time I felt guilty about choosing a (temporary) guy over my grandmother.  

My godfather was ill, and my mother suggested I send a card.  She knew he was terminal but did not tell me.  I felt so bad at his wake/funeral because I felt like I was the only one that had no idea he was dying.  I should have said more in my card.

When I saw an old high school friend Kevin a little over a year ago, I knew he didn't seem OK.  But since we didn't really talk for a few years, was it my place to ask questions?  We kept it light and he seemed happy enough but I walked away worried about him.  A month later he took his life.  I should have asked those hard questions...I should have done something.  I don't think anything I could have said or done would have made a difference (especially because his siblings and family knew more and couldn't help him)...but maybe I would have felt better about myself.  

And now with ManFriend/Neil...I should have read between the lines.  I should have insisted for the truth.  By the time I realized he wasn't as good as he was letting on...and by the time I got around to following up, he had already died.  I know he wasn't my responsibility, but we had a strong/weird relationship and I did care about him a lot.  Our relationship ended May/June of last year and I grieved over the loss of that friendship at that time, it still hurts now.  I should have been a little nicer a few months ago, but I was so hurt and I didn't see the big picture because he wasn't honest about how sick he was.  

I keep telling myself that I need to be more aggressive when I am in these situations, but I've failed every time. I chicken out or I think next time I talk to them, I will ask those harder questions or I'll go visit.  next time.  but then there isn't a next time.  and I am left with guilt.

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