Just the other night I stopped to pick up a friend, and her family were all gathered in the living room for the last moments of my friend's mother's life. I was able to see her tiny body, shrunken face and those sad and confused eyes.
Immediately I thought about ManFriend, wondering if he was in that bad shape before he passed away, not looking anything like himself. His mother said they kept him at home as long as they could. He stopped eating solid food for a few weeks before and couldn't talk for the last week, which means that when we texted, it was among the last day or two he was corresponding with any of his friends.
While I've thought about ManFriend everyday and my eyes still fill with tears when I think about something, seeing my friend's mother brought back such strong emotions that I wasn't expecting. It is normal to be sad over a friend's death, especially when it was unexpected (to me) but our relationship was over.
As hurt as I have been that I had no idea what was going on, I am also selfishly grateful he didn't tell me because watching him suffer like that would have been even more heartwrenchingly painful. He knew how I felt about him and that I would have been there if I knew, but yet he is the one who chose to withhold that information and I have to accept it.
I know I have a hard time letting things go. I see this both as a negative that it consumes me but also a positive that those that I care about get all of me and that I care that much about someone that I miss them or that I am hurt when they disappoint me. I am fortunate enough that I've been lucky enough to have those people in my life to give me that overwhelming feeling of love. I've been blessed to experience that.