Wednesday, September 21, 2016

don't want to be sucked back in

I casually mentioned to my man that I was hesitant about our future.  What made this conversation more powerful was we didn't have it after or because of a fight, but on a good day.

We talked for about two hours about my insecurities of the relationship and he said if I wanted to walk away, to do it, he is too old for someone to be indecisive about him.  I care for him, but is this my life?

I felt so much better, it was a weight off my chest that I've been carrying around for five months - maybe it was selfish of me, but this is my life too.

I made a point over the next few days to go out of my way to show my love and to try to see if it can work.  It was feeling really good, until he had a bad day and it all started to fall apart.   I understand the stress and agony of work and hating your job and wanting to quit...but if you don't decide what to do, how long can you be miserable? and how long will that misery affect me when I have my own share of stress?  Now, don't get me wrong, I am supportive, I keep telling him if he can't work one more day at his present job, to quit and we would figure it out - I can pull that off for a short term.  But what if he can't find another job for months? That is a lot of stress for a couple just shy of a year.  And it isn't as if he hasn't been looking, he has.  So I understand the stress.

How long can I let him mope?  How much space is enough for him to think and be depressed and how much anger can I try to get his mind off of?  Some people want reassurance, some want help and others just want to complain and dig themselves into a deeper hole.

I've been in that hole.  I know what it is like.  I don't want to be sucked back in.

If I stay, will I end up in the hole? the sunshiney place? or the middle ground?  Only time will tell.

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