Sunday, January 27, 2013

my heart in pieces

I reread some of my blog posts yesterday and came across the one where I was talking about living with less than contentment.  I wrote that when I was happy with the type of relationship I had with ManFriend and about the kind of relationship I had with SI when it was good.  Those are things I need going forward and I keep telling myself I refuse to settle for anything less because I know how amazing love can be.

I had to have  a serious chat with myself last night.  Even though I've had similar chats with myself for the last 6 weeks, this chat, I hope, sunk in.  I am miserable.  I am afraid I am getting depressed.  And why?  All because of the way ManFriend has been acting and treating me in the last 6 weeks.

I don't know if I can handle having my heart broken in any more pieces.  I deserve better, I know that - even he knows that.

I didn't agree to trying to be part of a couple with him to spend every weekend night alone, and all weekday nights alone; only seeing him for an hour over the weekend.  I didn't think our relationship would have make a 180 in less than a week after it became 'official', and it didn't fix itself but kept lingering.  That is not love, it isn't even lust or like.

 I can't do it anymore. I did't cry last night, I don't know if I have any tears or energy left in me to waste on ManFriend.

Of course it is hard, I keep remembering the really fun and great parts of the last 14 months.  There were some happy times in there.  Most of all, I am going to miss kissing him.  We kiss so well together. It was my addiction.

I know we had that amazing conversation on Wednesday night.  Maybe he should be a sales person, because I definitely bought into everything he told me.  And I wanted to believe it.  I did my part, I worked on what his problems with me were. I went out of my way to show him I wanted to make it work.  He carried on with the way he is - not giving me what I need in a relationship.  I am not satisfied - emotionally or sexually.

I cannot go back to a casual sexual relationship with him, that would be too hard, and I know that because that is what the last 6 weeks has felt like...and I hate it.

Do I try to have breakup #5 conversation, or do I just let it fade? He is quite unavailable this week, and I am out of town next week, so really in 3 weeks it won't even be an issue.


  1. Been there. Done that. You just need to let him go...let it fade. Move on. You are just a cash cow to the man. If you take away your money he will no longer be interested in you. MOVE ON. Find a man who will treat you decent. Just look how much his has cost you and I don't just mean emotionally. Go back and add up the dollar amount he has cost you. You are paying him to be your manfriend. Ditch him. Put your big girl panties on and find you a new man to treat you like a princess. Who will put you on a pedestal and BEG you to be with him!

  2. Don't be miserable anymore.

  3. In my head, I have been thinking that this 'relationship' wasn't worth you keeping. But you seemed unsure of this, and I wanted YOU to be able to see this for yourself and realize he is just pulling you along. You are WAY to great of a person, and you DO have some many qualities that one man will really appreciate. I am really looking forward to the future when there is a WONDERFUL guy who appreciates and loves you for you. And I am SOOOOOO glad that you came to this relization on your own because you can't show and tell somebody something that they can't see themself. So, congrats on realizing you deserve better and changing it!! Love you!