I reread some of my blog posts yesterday and came across the one where I was talking about living with less than contentment. I wrote that when I was happy with the type of relationship I had with ManFriend and about the kind of relationship I had with SI when it was good. Those are things I need going forward and I keep telling myself I refuse to settle for anything less because I know how amazing love can be.
I had to have a serious chat with myself last night. Even though I've had similar chats with myself for the last 6 weeks, this chat, I hope, sunk in. I am miserable. I am afraid I am getting depressed. And why? All because of the way ManFriend has been acting and treating me in the last 6 weeks.
I don't know if I can handle having my heart broken in any more pieces. I deserve better, I know that - even he knows that.
I didn't agree to trying to be part of a couple with him to spend every weekend night alone, and all weekday nights alone; only seeing him for an hour over the weekend. I didn't think our relationship would have make a 180 in less than a week after it became 'official', and it didn't fix itself but kept lingering. That is not love, it isn't even lust or like.
I can't do it anymore. I did't cry last night, I don't know if I have any tears or energy left in me to waste on ManFriend.
Of course it is hard, I keep remembering the really fun and great parts of the last 14 months. There were some happy times in there. Most of all, I am going to miss kissing him. We kiss so well together. It was my addiction.
I know we had that amazing conversation on Wednesday night. Maybe he should be a sales person, because I definitely bought into everything he told me. And I wanted to believe it. I did my part, I worked on what his problems with me were. I went out of my way to show him I wanted to make it work. He carried on with the way he is - not giving me what I need in a relationship. I am not satisfied - emotionally or sexually.
I cannot go back to a casual sexual relationship with him, that would be too hard, and I know that because that is what the last 6 weeks has felt like...and I hate it.
Do I try to have breakup #5 conversation, or do I just let it fade? He is quite unavailable this week, and I am out of town next week, so really in 3 weeks it won't even be an issue.