Monday, January 14, 2013

stand still

I've been posting a lot so far this month...that can only mean one thing, I have a lot more free time and/or I am sad - not quite a good thing for me.

You know sadness might seep in when one of the kids you babysat got engaged and is buying a house.  One of the other girls is married with two kids.  Friends & family are all moving on with their lives too.  Married, kids, divorced, remarried, new families, you name it - everyone got it.

Why is mine still at a standstill?

It is unbelievably frustrating.

I can only keep hoping that out of the blue something amazing will happen to me. It is the only thing that keeps me going.  But this little engine is running out of steam - I am not as happy as I was a few months ago. I am wasting my days again. I come home from work and do nothing.  The weekends I am spending mostly alone.  I don't know what to do with myself, I am losing motivation to get involved in projects.  Cleaning and chores aren't appealing.  I don't like too much TV, but find I am watching reruns of shows I've seen a few times because there is nothing else.

Sure, I can leave the house...but I don't want to spend money.  I think I might start walking trails again, I enjoyed that.

But that isn't going to be enough.

I guess the most obvious solution is to get rid of what is causing me so much stress right now, and that is ManFriend.  Although, I would think fate would allow my fh to make his appearance even if ManFriend and I were still in this non-relationship.  Second would be to make more money.  Realistically that won't happen til October....and who knows how much that would be at that be - probably not enough.  Third, I guess would be to change my living situation (although I worry about moving & living alone and not knowing anyone in my new town...and being just as depressed there as I am here), fourth would be to loose a little weight and maybe have the motivation to keep it off and not eating so much when I am sad/depressed/confused, and fifth would be to take a vacation.

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