Tuesday, January 15, 2013

the straw that almost broke the camel's back

It is no secret that camels can carry a lot of weight, between 500 - 1,000 pounds.  But, like anything, they have a limit...and something so small, so minor can be what finally breaks his back.

Over the last year, I have been piling on some annoyances with ManFriend, but I kept letting it slide.  Relationships and friendships are about compromise, and this was a real test for me.  Although looking back, it wasn't a compromise as much as it was me being manipulated into doing what the other person wanted.

Let's take a look at some of the 'straws'
  • me paying for 90% of our dates
  • me buying him groceries, beer, and wine when he was out of work 
  • me cooking for him and giving him leftovers from parties
  • me always going to his place
  • me accepting that he only needed to see me 0-2 times per week
  • me adjusting to the way he likes sex
  • me giving up on actual phone conversations
  • me conceding from going out to staying in
  • me waiting for an invitation to go over, but not getting one
  • me being totally understanding that he was depressed when he lost his job, twice and wanting to make him happy, so I didn't pressure him to want to do something outside of his apartment
  • me buying tickets to baseball games for us to do together, but when his friend couldn't make it to a football game, where they have season tickets, he didn't go because "he had no one to go with"
  • him not wanting to do 'fun' things...he said no to zip lining  fire walking, hiking, movies, a trip to Iceland, a weekend away, tagging along on some of my work trips (Ashville, NYC, Montreal, Chicago)
  • him not doing anything small and little for me.  A thank you card, a flower (not even a bouquet...a simple picked flower from someone's garden would have been ok), a gift, a groupon/coupon to a place I like, etc...would have been very much appreciated
  • him not making me breakfast or going out for breakfast after I stay over
  • him being old and tired all the time that he can't see me as much as he claims he wants to
  • him telling me he loves me and wants to be part of a couple, but not doing anything to actually show/prove that to me (actions vs words)
  • not meeting friends or family
  • him being two months late on his rent...but just bought a car and is thinking of buying an apartment instead of renting
  • me arranging for a free tow and discounted repair of his car...and then he CANCELS it because his friend or family member pulled through. 
  • knowing that I make very little money compared to him (when he works).  When I met him, he was making 3 times what I made.  And him living a very frugal life, I am not sure why he didn't have a nicer savings account...or did he but he didn't want to touch it, but he was OK with me spending money on him?  I know it shouldn't be a tit for tat thing, but I am pretty sure he knows I make so little money and struggle financially - and he knows that was why I temporarily gave up my apartment.  But it seemed to become 'normal' or 'expected' of me to do that for him.  Please realize, I wouldn't mind doing it, if I didn't feel so used.   Just appreciate it, tell me that. Is that too much to ask?
and finally, that sports take a huge priority over the person you claim to love.  If I was in a relationship, I would invite my lady over and watch the game(s).  I would not spend the whole night on my couch texting her...making her livid that I am not even out and can't see her.  It's not like I don't get it. Playoffs are important, and I would actually watch the game - not distract him.  But even if I did - for a little while - who cares? It isn't like he is playing, he isn't taking a test on it.  

On top of that, there is the whole - well, if you aren't going to see me then I am going to go out with another man who actually wants to spend time with me.  But he flipped out. I should have went out, I know that.  Because we are clearly in two very different kinds of relationships.  And if this is his version of a relationship....then no wonder why he is still single.  

But, I convinced ManFriend to TALK to me.  About his feelings, about what we are in, about fixing it or ending it, about holding a grudge, and even about disappointments.  We talked surprisingly like adults.  We each took our turn and listened and explained how we felt.  I understand why he has been a complete dick these last three weeks, and while I don't agree, I can at least see his side.  But I have to say, after 50 minutes, I felt a little better.  Still haven't slept well, replaying our conversation in my head and thinking of things I left out...but at least I didn't fall asleep crying.

It seems for now that someone took some straw off me..and the final straw has yet to come...I can keep going just a bit more...and hope things turn around.  If they don't...well, I know when it ends, I did all I could.  And if it does not end soon, well, hopefully I can enjoy it and learn how to love someone else and put my heart out there again.  Whatever happens, I will accept it, learn from it, and make the most out of it.  

1 comment:

  1. I just randomly came across your blog & I have to say that after reading this story, I cried because it reminded me so much of the situation that I was in. I spent 7 years & well over $300,000; I even went bankrupt. As hard as it is for me, even harder for me to say & admit to it, he's never going to change. You could give him the entire planet on a plate & he still won't budge. Why? Well...because he doesn't see a future with you. He's kept you at arms length for quite some time it sounds. Don't be his bait anymore. He's a dick, just like my ex. Hmmm, maybe they know each other! I finally ended it in August of last year. I was broke, heart broken, depressed, angry, confused, I was losing weight left & right. Your story hurts because I can completely relate. I'm sure there are people who are going to say that you should've left a long time ago, never paid, blah, blah, blah. You know that; I know that. But the small hint of hope is what keeps you going. It sounds as if you really love this man, but he doesn't see you the same way. He can't give you what you want yet he won't cut you off either. It's like he's holding you hostage. If he doesn't want a future with you, why can't he just come out & say it? Mine never did. It isn't fair to you to keep holding on to something that doesn't exist. I feel your pain, I really do. But keep on writing. I have & though it's on a blog, I've kept it private, like an online diary. I commend you for letting it out all for the world to read. You're very brave. I wish you the best & know that you're not alone.

    Sending you lots of hugs from Chicago!