Friday, August 27, 2010

UnHappy Four Year Anniversary

Four years ago, my life drastically changed. Today marks my four year anniversary of moving out of our house after I discover SI's secret life. Four years. We were together a little over four years plus of course the one and a half years he constantly lied to me saying we'd get back together and therefore I didn't try to move on.

If he wasn't such a self centered inconsiderate asshole, I wonder what my life would have been like. Like most girls, I wanted to live happily ever after or the real version of that. I imagine I would have one child by now, and considering a second. We would still be living in our house in New Jersey and I would have quit my job to stay at home. Maybe we would even be considering upgrading to something a little bigger/nicer. No doubt I'd have times were I'd be agitated that his work was still a number one priority and that kept him at the office late into the evenings but since he'd be the sole breadwinner, I'd accept it.

I get very upset with myself that I allowed this charade to last so long. I was overly optimistic and hopeful and wanted to believe everything he said. I mean, who lies? I don't so I expect everyone else to tell the truth. He didn't. And I am starting to think that he still does not. After my 'forgiveness' post, we went out one day, and he filled my ears with how wonderful it was, how attracted he still is, how he thinks he can still be the one for me, how he wishes he never did what he did, how amazing I am, how I deserve to be happy, he holds my hands, etc etc. I give him another opportunity and what does he do with it -- nothing. So really, why bother saying anything like that at all to me?

I miss living with someone. I loved having someone around me when I was home. Someone to talk to about any and everything. I resolve to stop thinking SI is the one and start thinking someone better is out there. And I really hope that someone makes an appearance soon - before I give up or before I decide to become a nun.

Four years. Eight years. That is a 'long' time. Now I think about everything else that could have happened in the last four years if I didn't allow him to keep me hung up. In four years, I could have went back to school. I could have met someone, got married and had kids. I could have moved far away or started a new job. I didn't do any of that. Instead I waited for him and his promises. And I saw younger couples get married and have kids. And I moped around not understanding how people were luckier than me. I am ready for SOMETHING to happen. I need a change. I am tired of this waiting for nothing.

What is that saying. If you love someone set it free, if it comes back to you, it is yours. Well, I set mine free, and he kept saying he'd come back, he'd fly all around me teasing me that he'd land, but in the end, he didn't. He hoovers but won't land. He is not mine.