I started to work on my goals for 2011, trying to plan what to add and when to do them. Trying to break down my life goals and my 30s goals to more manageable pieces. Give me a little to do each month. I didn't get too far. See, I am great at planning - but lately I am not so great at follow through. I can plan and plan but never actually DO it. I think smaller pieces is key.
Lately my depression is coming back. I know one of the reasons, and I am trying to cut that out of my life. I just need a tad bit more time. Coupled with this is my desire and quest for love. I wonder if I ever really been loved. I wonder if it was all an illusion. There can be no way that love, years later makes you feel worthless. Giving me the constant thought and reminder of which Thomas Mann said best with "He who loves more is the inferior and must suffer". Why should love make you suffer? Why should one person have such control over your thoughts and emotions? The answer is obvious - it shouldn't. But the reality, is that it does.
Instead of moving on as many of you have said, I have been stuck in this rut. I know I am not in love with someone, especially when that anger is [finally] starting to catch up to me. When I see that person and his actions piss me off. When I look at him and think - what was I thinking? What am I thinking? When you try hooking up and you realize it isn't doing anything for you and you wish they would just go. The realization is FINALLY hitting me...but yet, I am addicted to it. And it isn't for love. It is for acceptance.
Why acceptance? Well, I could make this really long and even turn it into a book, but what it boils down to is that is what we learned since we were little. Go to school, make friends - be accepted, be nice to your elders, teachers, etc -gain their approval. It has been drilled in our heads from such a young age. So naturally as adults, for the most part we want acceptance too. Is there anything worse than wanting something so much and not getting it? What do you do? You try. Maybe you save your pennies and buy it. Maybe you try and try and try and hope to achieve it. It becomes a quest. It becomes something you just do even without thinking about it. Next thing you know, you become obsessed with the idea. At times it isn't the most prevalent thing on your mind, but it is always there.
That is what I have done. I have taken something so ridiculous (a breakup) and turned it into so much more. But for the average person it should not have been this difficult. It either works or it doesn't. In my case, which is slightly different, said person played some mental games, said things that were extremely misleading, and said things that while they knew 100% what I wanted just told me things they thought I wanted to hear without really believing them himself. So what happens? I believe these things are true and I go on thinking that it will be OK, because after all he said they would be. I didn't invent those words, I am just going with what I thought should happen. Because of this, I didn't let me feeling go away. I insisted on holding on to them. I needed to hold onto them to remember - so when it was all OK, I would be OK. But unfortunately, it was never OK, and I was stupid enough to allow the nonsense to go on for too long.
Guilt is a big player in this too. While to others guilt seems like a crazy notion to have with this situation, it is there, and it is big. What could I possibly be feeling guilty over? Not living up to some one's expectations, letting myself down, not sticking to something, not succeeding in something you wanted and even more so, the guilt he made me feel on a regular basis. The guilt that should not have been guilt - for I did nothing to deserve it. The guilt I feel is the workings of a psychopath brainwashing. Wanting to make some one happy and not being able to succeed. The constant challenge. The constant notion that you will never be good enough, no matter how hard you try. Naturally what do you do? You try to prove them wrong.
After a while, you forget you don't love someone because you have been tricking yourself into thinking you do for so long. Time passes by and you are still where you were years before. He is still in the picture because you have allowed him to be. At first you refused for him to leave that picture, because how can it all turn out OK if he wasn't there? Even if that meant keeping things secret. You would try to get rid of him, but he becomes insistent, further declaring his love for you and the need for more time. There are a few times you have the "we are never speaking again" conversation and it is like a breakup all over again. So final. After many brief periods of not speaking you somehow find your way to speaking terms again. All your progress diminishes, while his time is further spent getting on with his life, but keeping you around 'just in case' and never telling you that he has no desire for a future.
Then one day, you are hanging out talking and you realize just how far he has come. The complete opposite of everything he has always said. The fear you had all along about loosing him. Knowing full well that he isn't even good enough for you after everything that has happened. In this time, you have also attempted, even if it is a bad small attempt, to see what else is out there. But your progress isn't where it should be.
And that makes you both sad and mad.
Friendship was never one of my attainments with him. I never wanted it, I told him that several times. My goal was to have him or not to have him. He didn't want me out of his life, so he kept telling me we'd be together eventually. Even now mentioned we were 'friends' and I was shocked. No, never what I wanted. How could I possibly be friends with this person after what they did to me? How could I possibly subject myself to hearing about who he is dating, sleeping with, marrying and about his children and his happy life? Not until I am happy am I willing to even think about 'friends'.
I know you have no one to blame but yourself. And I do blame me. Everyday. I shouldn't have believed all those lies. But more important, I should have been stronger and now allowed him to woo me with words that he didn't mean. What he did was wrong; I will never think it wasn't. No one should ever hurt you in that kind of way (or of course in worse ways). But it is my fault it got out of hand. The obsession needs to stop. And starting now...it will.
Anyway, going back to my goals for 2011 - perhaps I should start finding ways to find a way to have at least 3 dates a month. And hopefully you won't have to read anything more about SI.
(I am posting this on SI's birthday as a reminder to me that I have goals about guys to attain. Last year I went on my first day with a brand new guy on his bday...that helped a little. Too bad it didn't work out because his penis was too small)
Sometimes people who dated can be friends, sometimes they can't. And, you shouldn't ever have to e friends with someone just because they are too afraid to admit their true feelings. I'm sorry you're still blaming yourself this much, there is no peace when all you feel is guilt (be it for anything, including feeling like you screwed yourself over).
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to tell you you should move on, or past, or away from... just think about how you want to feel about it. That should be your real goal. How do you want to seem him and what conclusion would you like to feel about the relationship?
Decide, and write it down. Read it out loud to yourself. Knowing what you want is the first step in getting what you want, and the act if Deciding how I wanted to see my ex, what I wanted our relationship (if any) to be was the hardest thing. Once I realized and stated to myself exactly what I wanted, it just happened. i didn't even have to try. You deserve to be happy, with yourself for the decisions you made and who you've become because of where you've been and what you've been through.