The hiccup cure

I have it - the hiccup cure.  I have been debating whether or not to share it for the last few months since it is great to hear someone who can't get rid of those annoying little noises while sitting there silently laughing that they can't stop it & you can.  I was once there, annoyed and shocked with how long the hiccups could go on for.

Hiccups are caused by a brief, involuntary twitter of the diaphragm that repeats several times per minute - which causes the air that gets quickly sucked in to the lungs to make the vocal cords close - creating the 'hic' sound (wikipedia). [usually from stretching of the stomach after eating/drinking, sudden emotional excitement, sudden change of air temperature, very hot/cold food or beverage, alcohol or excess smoking, heartburn]

Eventually the hiccups will go away...but just how long are you willing to wait with out getting annoyed?

Which of the following home remedies have you tried?

• quickly drinking water in short bursts
• lean the head down and take sips of water
• sitting down taking slow deep breaths
• sucking on a spoonful of sugar
• hold your breath until the next hiccup
• drinking a quarter cup of pickle juice
• chew up and swallow one marshmallow
• have someone stare into your eyes for 15-30 seconds while their hands are on both of your cheeks
• pinch the upper part of your lip with two fingers for 20 seconds
• sit in a chair with your head in your lap breathing slowly
• breathe into a paper bag
• have someone scare you

Many of those do not work for me, but since everyone is a bit different -- they can work for some people.  What does work for me......is......eating a spoonful of peanut butter.  

I swear this works for me.  I've had the hiccups about 4 times in the last 3 months - and once I started trying this - the hiccups went away.   Of course I thought it was coincidence at first, so I tried it again and again and again.  All with the same result.  I couldn't be happier because I love peanut butter.

If you try this - and it works for you - please post below and let me know!

Chicken Tomatillo Chili & Crockpot Chicken

I've been in such a food rut lately.  Since February I've more or less eaten either egg whites or oatmeal for breakfast, am snack is usually yogurt or a Cliff bar, lunch 2 cups lettuce/spinach with grilled chicken with cheese and/or some other toppings and dinner has been really bad - whatever I have in the house - which is sometimes nothing (cereal or pasta) or leftovers or more grilled chicken.

Part of my goals was to get back into cooking, but it is really hard to want to cook for one.  I usually go shopping on Sunday (if I go at all...that's have bad I've been) and then spend the next few hours cooking the chicken, cleaning and chopping the fruits and vegetables and making whatever I will be eating for the week.  I like this arrangement because when I am busy during the week, everything is made - it just needs to be heated up or pulled out of the fridge. 

So I've decided to make at least one NEW thing every week...so I am not always making things I normally make...this should help me get back into cooking and it will help with my food rut.

Today I decided to make Chicken Tomatillo Chili and Scrumptious Slow Cooker Chicken both I found on the Internet.  They were both very easy to make.  I went to ShopRite for most of my ingredients but stopped at Stop & Shop for the chicken and then I had to run to A/P when I realized I bought the wrong canned peppers. I included my prices for the ingredients.

The Chicken Tomatillo Chili

1 can(s) (11-ounce) tomatillos (or 7 or 8 fresh tomatillos husks removed), quartered  $3.99 (I used half - so really it was about $2)
1 jalapeno pepper, halved and seeded   $0.16
2 tablespoon(s) vegetable oil - I forgot to use this
2 pound(s) boneless, skinless chicken thighs, cut into 1-inch pieces. I used three chicken breasts - $7.34
1 medium (about 1 cup) onion, chopped   $0.16 (bag of onions on sale at 0.98 and there were 6 onions in the bag)
3 clove(s) garlic, minced - I used from the jar I had - but it would be just a few cents
2 can(s) (4 1/2-ounce) diced green chilies   $2.46
2 teaspoon(s) ground cumin      - i used what I had, but it would be a few cents
1 teaspoon(s) ground coriander  - i used what I had, but it would be a few cents

2 can(s) (14 1/2-ounce) low-sodium chicken broth    $3.99 (but I had 2 cups left over - so really it was about $2)
1/2 cup(s) chopped fresh cilantro - I didn't use this
1 teaspoon(s) salt  - I didn't use this
Tortilla chips or strips (optional) - I made this. I cut 2 flour tortillas up and baked them for a few minutes. I had the tortillas already, I am guessing this would be $0.50

This was about $15 for 5 servings is $2.924 each.  I had this after is was made and I liked it. It had a nice little kick to it.  I think next time I'd leave the seeds in the jalapenos because I think that makes it a little spicier? 

Scrumptious Slow Cooker Chicken
2.5 lbs boneless, skinless chicken thighs   $6.49

3 parsnips (I only used one because I never had a parsnip before and was unsure what it would be like) $1.32
3 carrots  $0.72
4 celery stalks    $0.75
1 red onion  $0.82
10-12 whole garlic cloves   $0.52
¼ cup coconut oil - i used a little olive instead not sure how much maybe $0.35 worth?
1 cup chicken broth  $1  
1 tablespoon dried thyme  - used what I had, so a few cents
1 tablespoon rubbed sage - I didn't use this, forgot I didn't have sage in the cabinet
Sea salt and black pepper to taste

This came to about $12 for maybe 4-6 servings.  I haven't tried it yet, but it smelled really good.

Then of course I have my cut lettuce all ready and I made blueberry muffins also.

Mad love within Cutting for Stone

I believe in fate...but I've always worried that when fate kicks in somehow I'd get screwed.  Kind of like Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" lyrics.  I worry that when I finally find love something will go wrong & I'll only experience it for a short amount of time.  A tease.

I just finished reading Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese.  I enjoyed this 600+ page book.  SPOILER ALERT for anyone planning on reading it.  It took me a while to get past page 10, but once I did, the book was well written and kept me going with new things happening over the course of some one's life.  While there are many things that I can talk about, the story has so many layers of interesting things - I am choosing to write about the main character's love for a girl - since that is something I can relate to.

Growing up, Marion loves Genet - a neighbor who at times is more like a sister - and expected to marry her and love her forever.  As they reach adolescence, Genet becomes more curious about sex and wants to loose her virginity but Marion says not until they are married (what a gentleman!).  So what does Genet do?  She sleeps with Marion's twin brother!  A few other things happen...Genet screws Marion over again.  All this while Marion has a love-hate feelings for Genet (and his brother).  When she shows up at his door much later on - what happens? He takes her in - he finally has sex with her - in a demeaning kind of way at first (also looses his virginity to her - as he always promised). She stays for 3 days I think and leaves.  Six weeks later Marion is close to death from Hepatitis B that he contracted from Genet.  On his death bed, his twin who he still had ill feelings towards decides to help save Marion by offering part of his liver - it works, it saves Marion, but a week later his twin died.

Marion was a stand-up man and had a lot going for him.  He feel in love with the wrong girl that ultimately affected the rest of his life.  Just as something good happened, something bad also happened.  You sit there reading wondering if Marion can overcome these hurdles.  Why is fate so crazy?  

I was able to relate to having the love of your life show up and not knowing what to do (not that it has happened, but it is one of those things you always think about).  After so much time has past - do you forgive them or continue to harbour ill feelings?  Marion handled it close to what I would have done, no doubt about that.  When someone you once loved comes to you in need - you help them regardless.  Towards the end of the book Marion said "I wasn't angry with Genet.  She was consistent, if nothing else.  I was angry with myself because I always loved her, or at least I loved that dream of our togetherness.  My feelings were unreasonable, irrational and I couldn't change them. That hurt."

How perfect is that statement? That summarizes everything I have thought about SI.  I have felt that people don't understand my way of thinking or understand the kind of hurt.  While this is a work of fiction - I feel that Abraham Verghese was able to capture that emotion that I can relate to while so many others have not.  To me SI wasn't just some chap I dated; but to find the words, if any exist, to convey my feelings is difficult. 

what comes first - a job or a move?

I am having my own version of which came first the chicken or the egg?  But instead of poultry, I am wondering about moving and jobs. 

No secret I am unhappy in my place of employment.  I look at jobs but am I being too picky? Can you be too picky about something you spend so much of your time at?  You have to enjoy it a little or at least be content otherwise that unhappiness drips into your personal life...which is happening to me now. That feeling is not good and needs to change.

So I keep wondering...do I find a new job and then move...or do I take a huge risk and move without something lined up and then look for a job?  That is not only risky...but I wouldn't know anyone.  Not that I have very many friends here - I seem to be busy a lot...and I don't really know with what.  What should I do first?

Within that question also comes my love life.  Sure it is still non-existent now, but I don't know what fate has in store for me.  What if I decide to move and then I change my fate of meeting someone here?  What if I move and then I don't meet my fh for another 10 years or so?  What if I stay here and then I miss my fh?  I know it is fate-and that it will happen, but I am still not convinced...I feel like I am the only single-decent looking-nice-not a lot of baggage anymore-who wants love & a family- person...I don't know why people are repelled by me.  I really wish that I had my fh now so then we can move together and start our family somewhere more wonderful (affordable) than the suburbs of NYC - unless he is rich.

My sister sent me a link to find your best place to live over at Sperling's.  Check out the link to take their quiz.  They also have links to articles about best places to live...like CNN Money's - which this year my town made it on.

So I took the test last night and San Francisco came up as my #1, Boston was #3, NYC was my #4, Newark NJ was #6...like I'd ever want to live there!....I guess I like things close by.   But the thing is, in reality, while I am living in it...I don't. I can't stand crowds or tourists.  So I retook the quiz and adjusted a few small answers....what did I get this time?

1 . San Francisco , CA (see San Francisco, CA)

Econ.: C, Housing: C, Educ.: A-, Health: A Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

2 . Boston , MA-NH-ME (see Boston, MA)
Econ.: C+, Housing: C, Educ.: A, Health: A Crime: B, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

3 . Washington , DC-MD-VA-WV (see Washington, DC)
Econ.: C, Housing: C+, Educ.: A, Health: A Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

4 . Los Angeles-Long Beach , CA (see Los Angeles, CA)
Econ.: C, Housing: C+, Educ.: B, Health: B Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

5 . Seattle-Bellevue-Everett , WA (see Seattle, WA)
Econ.: B, Housing: C+, Educ.: B-, Health: B+ Crime: C, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

6 . New York , NY (see New York, NY)
Econ.: C-, Housing: C, Educ.: B+, Health: B+ Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

7 . Long Island , NY (see Long Island, NY)
Econ.: C, Housing: C, Educ.: A, Health: A- Crime: A+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: B+

8 . San Jose , CA (see San Jose, CA) 
Econ.: C, Housing: C, Educ.: B+, Health: B Crime: B, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: B+

9 . Minneapolis-St. Paul , MN-WI (see Minneapolis, MN)
Econ.: B, Housing: C+, Educ.: A-, Health: A- Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A

10 . Denver , CO (see Denver, CO)
Econ.: B-, Housing: B-, Educ.: B-, Health: B+ Crime: B-, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

#11 - 25:   Oakland CA, Chicago IL, Newark NJ, San Diego CA, Stamford-Norwalk CT, Bergen-Passaic NJ, Pittsburgh PA, Monmouth-Ocean NJ, Middlesex-Somerset-Hunterdon NJ, Baltimore MD, Philadelphia PA, Trenton NJ, Dallas TX, Danbury CT, Boulder-Longmont CO,


Not much different...the only thing that changed was the order of the cities.  A bit frustrating.  Maybe I am a city girl after all?  NO--> As it turns out the very LAST question asked about population.  Get rid of the over one million and the results do change a bit...instead of large cities (like above) they have smaller cities/towns.   It was funny to read that #8 on my list was Dutchess County (where I grew up)!  

Anyway...I am just so confused and I don't know what to do.  Maybe I want to change too much at once so then I don't change anything at all and I am stuck in the horrible rut.  Figures, I finally feel more confident in me as a person...but yet everything else just sucks.

Random Thoughts #1

Random Thoughts

• I attempted to donate blood again today.  Unfortunately once they got the needle in, my fingers went numb, so they had to move the needle around and then I guess they punctured the vein because they wouldn't let me donate since blood already touched the bag. Instead of them dotting on me from passing out, they sent me away with an ice bag and a bruise. Oh well, I tried.  But I did sign up for organ donation through the new NYS Donate Life program.  This registry gives your consent to donate organs...and you even get a chance to state which you want to donate and which you don't want to. 
• I watched The Bachelor Pad finale last night parts of it definitely annoyed me.  I didn't get to bed until about midnight, and then I barely slept, having nightmares of boyfriend past.  ugh.
• I have been speaking out at work about some 'issues' and today...well, today they decided to 'fix' some things and it wasn't quite what I thought they'd do - it is amazing how different people think & the work flow does not seem logical; I don't get it.  I think a few people will definitely not like me - but whatever, I am not there to be liked anyway.
• I really need to up my job search (but yet, here I am blogging instead).  I am thinking a school crossing guard might work out for a while!  Well, no, seriously that isn't enough money for me to get by on.  I've thought about quitting and selling my apartment and living with my parents...but who wants to live with parents twice in their adulthood?  What kind of guy would date me if I lived with my parents? 
• I love sweet potatoes that cook in the oven. 
• I am returning that phone that I posted about the other day. Hated it.
• I can't wait until the new TV shows start next week
• I want a guy to hang out with. I am really starting to miss kissing.
• I am not sure I am liking my bangs this time around
• I've adjusted quite nicely to reading on the Nook, but I still read 'regular' books when I can't get one for free
• I tried unsweetened vanilla almond milk; I am quite surprised with how good it was.  I haven't had cereal since February, but in the last 7 days, I have had cereal for dinner 4 times. 
• I haven't slept through the night in months.   
• I feel like sometimes I have a ton to say, and when I log in, I draw a huge blank or hate what I write...so I am really sorry if this is becoming boring.
• I feel like I am falling back into a funk.  My mood from 2 months ago is so different from now.  I am constantly annoyed.  I hate this feeling; I want to be happy again.  Please tell me there is an end to some of the crazy madness I've been involved in.
• I think I need to go back to the tea leaf reader just to be sure my fate didn't change or that it is consistent with the last reading.
• Why isn't my spell check working? 

Bike Vermont...Reminiscing from 2004

Yesterday I went for another 14 mile bike ride on the Bronx River Parkway.  I finally got around to changing my mountain bike tires for street tires, and biking on the pavement was a bit easier.  As I was riding, I was remembering back to when I first bought my bike, almost 9 years ago...and how this was probably the 10th time I've used it outdoors. 

My first bike excursion as an adult was to participate in a Bike Vermont weekend that included two days of riding through the local towns.  It was amazing: the vastness, animals, farms, fresh air...all of it.  It was so beautiful and it should have been relaxing if you were in bike shape (which I was not.)  There were big hills so I had to really push myself or walk my bike up...but I didn't give up and catch a ride back, we were just the last to arrive anywhere.

before I left...I was so excited...not realizing how challenging it would be

notice the matching his/hers matching bikes? Yeah, I was in that kind of a relationship

exhausted...but I still have a smile on my face

While riding along the beautiful landscape we stopped in towns for lunch, or to sample/buy cheese and maple syrup.  We went through some covered bridges, one of which was the Bartonsville Bridge that collapsed during Hurricane Irene a few weeks ago.

So that was Vermont back in 2004ish.  Now in 2011, I only rode the bike a few times, so even though it was relatively flat, it was still a bit challenging for me up two small hills.  Additionally, while I can tolerate a little butt soreness...my knees really ache after a while.  But I felt great afterwards and hope I continue to ride once in a while.  My issue is while biking is a solitary sport, it is more fun do go with someone...but then I have trouble keeping up with them.

I hope my fh will push me to do these fun kinds of outdoor activities with him.

Ten Year Anniversary of September 11, 2001

Everyone will remember where they were on Tuesday September 11, 2001 around 8:45 am.   Me? I took a summer real estate class at the local community college and was going into NYC to sit for my Realtor exam which was downtown near the trade center.  When I got out of the subway, I heard people running into the Fulton Street subway station yelling "FUEGO". I knew my elementary Spanish well enough to know that meant "FIRE".  I didn't see a fire - so I kept going, I exited and looked around.  There were a lot of people, but then again it was almost rush hour.  I located my building and was surprised to see there was no line - the instructor told us to get there early since the tests fill up quickly.  Not only was there no line, but no one was in the lobby.  Determined to take the test, I proceeded up to the 5th floor and took a seat in the virtually empty room.  One or two people arrived after I did...again I realized it was strange, where was everyone?  There were about 4 other people in there with me when someone came in and announced that the building was evacuated and that we had to leave...and that there would be no testing that day.  Disappointed, I left the building and headed back to the subway.  On my way, I noticed a lot of people standing around looking up, so I look up also.  I see one of the trade centers was on fire...Oh, that must have been what the guy in the subway was talking about.  I stood there and watched about 5 floors glow red/orange as the smoke was coming out of the building.  I remembered to a time I worked on the 93rd floor doing temp work just 3 years before.  I thought "that will be a tough fire to extinguish...I wonder how they will do that when fire truck ladders don't go up that high".  Then I see something I will never forget - a person jumping from a window.   Knowing they are jumping to their death, I had to consider what is worse - jumping out of a window or being inside suffocating from the smoke and maybe catching on fire.  My heart ached for that person, knowing that they knew they were going to die either way.  I tried to call cop#1 who was a recent NYC policeman to tell him he was going to have a pretty shitty & long day.  The phone lines were crazy busy so it took a while before I was able to leave him that message.  I couldn't keep watching, so I go down the subway and get on the next train to my college.  On the subway ride, people are talking - there was an engineer who helped build the twin towers that was telling us that the building was going to collapse, that it wasn't built to withstand that kind of internal stress.  I didn't realize it at the time, but they ended up closing the subways right after I got on one.



source



I went to school and sat through my first class of the day.  Right before the class was dismissed the PA system informed us of terrorist activity and that the school would be closing and everyone needed to leave.  I didn't know what to do...the trains stopped running, I was stuck in Manhattan.  My sister worked in Herald Square so I walked 25 blocks and 3 avenues to get to her job.  The streets were eerie...there were no cars and people were walking the streets.  I still had no idea what was going on, but knew something terrible happened.  On my walk downtown, I passed through Times Square where the big TVs were filled with the morning news...planes crashed into the Twin Towers, the pentagon and in Pennsylvania. I couldn't believe it. 



When I arrived at my sister's job everyone was scared. Some of their offices had views of the trade center and a few saw it collapse. You were still able to see the dust rising.  It was the most unreal feeling I have ever felt.  The phone lines continued to be next to impossible to get through with all people calling everyone else to see if they were OK.  We stayed at the office for a few hours waiting for the trains to resume, no one getting any work done, everyone talking about what was happening, people wondering if that building would be evacuated since they were close to the Empire State Building and if other attacks would happen.  The trains would resume and then be suspended again for bomb threats.  We finally left and was able to get on a train out of Manhattan - the trains were packed, as to be expected with more people getting on at  125th street that there wasn't enough room for everyone.  Of course we heard stories of all the people that walked home and we would have too just to get off of Manhattan.



When I made it home, I was stuck to the television.  I needed to know more. I was there and I felt like I didn't know anything because before all this technology - when you are right there you really had no clue unless you saw it happen.  I was traumatized and in a trace for a few days. 

There are so many stories like mine and of course there are all the other worse stories out there.  I can't imagine how hard that day was for all the families that were directly involved and all our public servants that worked their asses off during the rescue, recovery and cleanup.

My heart goes out to all the families and friends of those whose lives were lost that day and my gratitude for all those who helped (worked or volunteered) during that long and agonizing process. 

UPDATE Day 09 - someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

I was very nervous about meeting up with T.  I haven't seen her in about 4 years and not much about me has changed.  Isn't that always the worst? Seeing someone after so long and you can't really say a lot of amazing things about what you've been up to? How does that phrase go? Same thing different day?  I am stuck on this cycle.  Not a great re-first impression; although I wasn't planning on saying much about me anyway.

I tend to hold a grudge (well, with everyone except SI) and I am stubborn.  I knew going into this 'meeting' that I would be uncomfortable, but I have this thing I am working on...doing things out of my comfort zone...and this, well, it met my quota for the  month.  I was also a bit nervous about what I'd look like to someone after so much time has lapsed.  I was putting some thought into my outfit so I'd look thinner & professional (maybe just as much effort as a date) and worry that my hair will be unruly in the rain.

What if T ran over and gave me a huge hug?  What if she asks me about all the dating I've done (I can count my dates on my two hands), What if there is nothing to talk about?

I get to the bar about 45 minutes before her and down a beer to help unnerve me. She walks in and I don't stand up to greet her, but we hug very slightly.  One of the first things we talk about is my lack of enthusiasm to seeing her...so I was very honest with her about my hesitations.  Our catching up was slow.  She filled me on her divorce - that it was because (and she claims no one really knows the truth) that she fell in love with someone else when she was married and has been dating him for a year and are thinking about moving in together. She asked me a little about SI, since that is the last she knew...and unfortunately I teared up a little explaining things - I was unprepared for that. Oh, and her friend was going to meet us at the bar at 7pm.

So I have problems with two things.  First, I was shocked she invited someone else she was friends with when she hasn't seen me in so long.  I'd have preferred if she was like, 'I gotta go at 7'.  Turns out the friend was really nice and I talked with her a lot, but that also meant that I wasn't speaking to T, defeating the whole purpose of trying to decide if we were supposed to be friends or not.

Second, and this wasn't about her so much, but I don't understand why these kinds of people find love so easily.  She has never really been that single, maybe when we were 21.  But she kept bouncing around with guys.  So then she gets 'lucky' and gets married then while married finds love with a co-worker best friend?  So not only is she like SI where she doesn't understand how hard a breakup could be for someone that is madly in love with someone else, she is also happy.  I lost years of my life because I was sad and depressed...and she was over her husband before he moved out.  So now she'll probably have a second wedding...and I haven't even come close to finding someone to date me (and it is not like I am ugly or deformed).

Why I am so different?  Is it because I am no longer needy?  I am a somewhat self-sufficient, independent woman that isn't unattractive, so people just pass me by.  I want love too. 

Will I see T again? I am not opposed to it.

Denise vs a new phone

It isn't a secret that I am not tech savvy.  I used to rely on past bf to take care of my computer issues, cell phone, printers, camera, TVs, etc.  I always appreciated his help in those areas because it is something I don't tend to grasp - but then I can't be good at everything right?  And what better thing to rely on a guy for? Guys need to feel needed.

Now that I don't have a guy in my life...I am stuck doing all this by myself and it isn't easy.  I have three printers at home that I can't seem to get to connect to my laptop...well 2, I haven't actually tried the third one yet.  I take pictures with my camera on auto - and don't know how to photoshop them to make them better (maybe one day I'll learn), add to that that my microwave's been dead 18 months and my ice maker still has a leak in it...I am quite helpless in those areas.   I recently got a new phone; it still isn't fancy - I haven't converted to a smart phone yet - I mean, do I need to waste my money and time playing with those apps when I could be reading or studying photoshop?  But they don't really make nice simple phones anymore, so I got a half touch screen with a slide out keyboard.  I've only been playing with it for a little while, but it's hard.  The touch screen is weird, I can't figure out how get into my voicemail (with a password - so I want to get in and get rid of the password, not like I get steamy messages anyway or have something to hide), and sending a text seems difficult. Time will make me a pro...I know.

When I get home later, I will read the manual.  I tend to do that. Call me a geek if you must, but I think it is important to read those things so you know how to use it and what it is capable of.  When I am asking for help later, I don't want to look like a complete idiot so that general information will come in handy.

Can you be friends with someone that de-friended you?

A few weeks ago I posted a quick question on this...but here is why:

In October I posted about my friend T here.

It took me four months to respond to T regarding her email in October.  Not maliciously waiting so long, but honestly I didn't know what to say as it caught me off guard.  Was I ready to see or talk to someone again? I wasn't and until I decided, I couldn't respond.  When I did, it was short and told her I couldn't commit to catching up within the next four months since I was busy; I didn't hear back from her until two week ago.

Part of not wanting to hear from someone after so much time is that you worry that they will tell you things you don't want to hear...such as gotten married, had children, traveled the world, etc...when your life has been on hold for 5 years.  Also they were not supportive of you when you went through something so traumatic so what kind of friend were they really?

But you also have to wonder...after all this time why are they reaching out NOW? 

I dreaded opening the email.  But when I did, I smiled and laughed.  Turns out T recently got divorced. 

Now it makes sense...she might be sad and lonely and confused...and either is trying to get a life back...or maybe I am the only person she knows that would understand what she is going through.

I have been waiting for this for 5 years.  Sure, I wasn't married...but when you are with someone for 4 years and live together - we didn't have a legal document, but it wasn't just a small breakup either.  For me it was very traumatic.  After the breakup it was the worst 4 years of my life...and actually 2 of those years were a complete blurr of nothing. When I think of my age, I tend to think I am two years younger; 2 years I was in a fog and didn't do anything. I barely remember it. I think my mind just fogged up so it could protect me.  Anyway, no one understood what I went through. I didn't know anyone that got a divorce, I didn't know anyone that was in something similar to me when it didn't work out.  Sure, I was 'young' at 27 but people didn't get it and told me my emotions were over reacting. 

Well, now my time has come.  People are starting to separate/divorce and they are miserable.  I don't like to see people unhappy...and I am not glad for their sad stories...but I am happy people will now understand what I went through and maybe regret things they did or said to me.

It took me a long time to get to where I am now and I can't let people that are no longer my friends bring me down.  I will try to be as supportive as possible for my few current friends and I give my perspective when people ask it.

Last year I met up with this other girl who defriended me three years ago.  I met her at Starbucks and I listened to her for 2 1/2 hours talk about herself.  At no point did she apologize to me for what happened.  I am not saying I wasn't at fault at all...I was miserable and it was hard to be around...but she was an adult and could have handled it better.  She wasn't the person that reached out either, she had this other girl do it.  When we met, she told me that she thought of me daily in the year we weren't friends and often wondered about me.  She also got married to someone that was a 'forbidden' boyfriend that she rarely saw.  Hmm, I know if I was getting married and I missed someone - I'd let them know about that kind of news before it happened.  Not really permanent friend material in my book.  I walked away no different; we wouldn't be friends again and I didn't miss her.  With that experience behind me, I can't think that this meeting with T will be any different. I am so torn if it is worth it or not to see her; I don't want to mislead her thinking we'll be BFFs or even just friends again.

I will make this T girl happy and meet up with her one day after work - on my schedule - but I am not looking to be friends with her again nor am I delusional that we would ever be friends like we were when we were 18 - 25.  I will go and listen to her, she probably just needs to talk about what she is going through and then we'll go our separate ways.

I think its funny that so many people have reached out to me in the last few years by realizing what a great person I am after the fact they de-friended me. 

Why do I have such bad luck when it comes to friends & guys?  All I want is some decent/good friends and a fantastic fh.

I'll post about our meeting very soon.

'S' bangs

I had my hair cut again on Sunday.  It is short and I have long bangs again.  The problem is that I decide to get it cut the week it is non-stop raining.  I have naturally curly/wavy hair and even though I have the Keratin done, having bangs is becoming a huge problem or the problem is that I am becoming a little vain.  My short hairstyles require work - not wash and go like when I have it long.  I have to blow it dry and then flat iron it, adding about 30 minutes to my morning routine.  Today I spent five minutes alone just on my bangs.  I wore a raincoat and used an umbrella and when I got to work my bangs were an S - a long S...it could be a lot worse but still, how friggin annoying.  This was the reason I didn't get bangs way back in my school days.  I don't think I am going to meet Mr. FH today - but I do go out in public and I am seeing 'friends' after work today and tomorrow. 

Maybe I should look into getting a small traveler flat iron to keep at work.

Should friends speak up about an affair?

If your other is cheating on you, and all their friends know...do you think it is their responsibility to tell you or to warn you?

Looking back, I remember this time that SI's friend Keith came to our new house.  We were sitting outside drinking a beer.  We, or rather Keith & SI, were talking about the bartender at the bar they go to and how she lets them go behind the bar and make drinks and serve people.  This is not the first time I heard about this person - I heard a little about her over the course of the last year or two.  When we were talking outside on our porch, I remember this moment where the two guys realized they said something they shouldn't have...and I thought that Keith liked this girl.  Turns out she was SI's mistress.  I believe the three of them even went to Boston one weekend before I moved into this house with SI.  So I wonder:  If SI's few good friends knew he was carying on an affair, should they have warned me that it might not be the smartest thing for me to give up the life I knew...my FREE crappy basement apartment, my town, etc to move to an area that was farther away from my family to where I knew no one, to live with the man I loved? Only to sit in our house, alone most of the time while he was gallivanting with his other lady?  They knew about this for a while, yet no one said anything to me.  Sure, it might not be the easiest thing to say outright; but what about dropping a hint?  Could Keith or his other friends said something like 'Denise you should really double think this' or 'Denise, are you sure you know where he goes when he isn't with you?'  When I didn't hear from SI and became concerned, I'd message SIs best friend asking if he heard from SI because I knew that there was an accident on a highway.  I was always worried about him; and yet this other friend said absolutely nothing to me that SI was safe - in bed with some other woman. 

I wonder if one of these two guys did tell me...what would have happened? I wouldn't have moved to NJ, I would have saved money living in that free apartment a bit longer...which means I would have paid down my graduate school loans, I would have less credit card debt & I'd be able to afford cable TV.   I like my apartment now (not LOVE, it still isn't ideal & I am more broke than ever), and I wouldn't be here if all those things didn't happen; fate is funny. 

Sure, the confession of his friends would have caught me so off guard and would have made me so angry...but I had those feelings when I found out on my own anyway. If they could have prevented all that extra hurt, the 12 months I was so sad, confused and alone I would definitely have rathered someone to tell me. I would have wanted to hear it to prevent all that useless time spent with someone - so either he would have made the choice to call the affair off or to break it off with me.  And what did they care? We weren't friends, they weren't risking a friendship so it would have been a lot more emotionless on their part.  Also, did his friends tell him he shouldn't be doing that? Did they think about what he was doing to me at all? Did they warn him that he wouldn't get away with it forever? Or were they 'guys' in the fact they admired that he was able to carry on this double life for 2+ years?

I suggest, if you are ever in this situation, that you do speak up.  What is the worst thing that will happen?  The person you tell will get very upset with you.  You may be risking a friendship - but if that friend can't understand why you spoke up, then they aren't the kind of friend you'd want anyway.  They may not speak to you for a while, but it has nothing to do with YOU...they will be more hurt by the situation and I am sure when things settle down, will reach out to you and thank you.

On the verge of a breakdown

I had really hoped to post on Monday something relationship/breakup/single to keep with my trend, but honestly, that is not where my head is these days.  I kept logging in and trying to start a post and get nowhere.

This has been a really tough week for me.  As far back as high school I have been a headache sufferer; I even got caught with Advil in school and had to speak to the nurse regarding this since they are the only ones to administer medication.  The headaches continued but got a lot worse when SI and I were together.  Maybe it was the mental stress he put me through that my body knew about but that my mind/heart did not get realize...add to that the living environment (trees/flowers/grass) that I may have been allergic to.  Actually at one point I was tested for allergies and some might have been from cut grass or a tree, but I wasn't petting dogs/cats/horses all day to really be affected by my allergies (oh wait, SI's mistress had a cat - maybe all those headaches were from the cat hair concealed on his clothes).  I didn't know any better, this was my life. I lived on Advil, Tylenol and eventually Excedrin (I recommend this one most).  At times I was taking 3-5 pills at a time to dull the pain.  The headaches would last days to weeks at a time.  The migraines resulted in me laying in a dark room trying to sleep it off. Once the breakup happened, I practically had a constant headache...probably from all the crying.  I'd suffer through work and go home and be ordered to lay down before dinner.  In the last few years, I cut back taking any OTC medicine for headaches, even went to one neurologist (but I didn't like him and I didn't go back), and started to keep a headache journal.  Cutting out the medicine was the smartest thing I did, I swear that the headaches, once I got back on a regular cycle, disappeared.  My body was no longer reliant on the medicine and therefore the headaches went away.  I'd still get an occasional headache and suffer through it as well as the occasional migraine that I would wait as long as possible before I took something.  Unfortunately, the migraines seem to be getting worse over the last few  years while the regular headaches were becoming less frequent.

These past 8 days, I have had 2 headaches that lasted for about 30 hours each, and another small one today.  Every time I get a headache this bad or for an extended period of time, I wonder, how did I put up with that for so long?  It is not something you should live with on a regular basis.  Not only is my head aching but I also feel nauseous or have a lack of appetite. I haven't been back to a neurologist because the headaches have gotten so much better and when you go there...more than likely after waiting 6-8 weeks for an appointment you wouldn't have any symptoms that day anyway.

So, let's add to the headaches my poor sleeping which causes my mood to drastically become impatient with people, the people that I have to talk to everyday at work, my coworkers, and the 'new' work I have to do which in my mind is absolutely insane for someone who can think & is somewhat smart has to do (I asked if we can hire a homeless person! They want money)  and what do we get? Denise is going to have a nervous breakdown! 

I am ok with this though. I know what is happening. I see myself starting to crack and go crazy.  But a temporary stay that my insurance pays for at a mental hospital due to stress is better than being committed for mass murder - right?  I wonder how to go about this.   

Do any of my readers want a job?  See, there is such thing as a recruiter and they work for companies trying to fill a position.  I want someone to work for ME and find me a job by souring the Internet, paper, referrals, social media sites and arrange for interviews.  I am not kidding...email me if you want a part time or full time temporary job - the catch...I need to get out of here sooner rather than later & you'd probably get paid after the job was offered. We'll work something out. 

Let's see, I also have 'friend' things going on.  Yes that is right, plural.  I have another post to share within the next 3 weeks, but I am not ready for that one yet. 

Bye Bye Hurricane Irene

Hurricane Irene has passed...and it wasn't as bad as they expected...which is a great thing for our area.  My neighboring town (where most of my family lives) has some flooding issues from this small little river that runs though the town, so when heavy rains like this come through, it is very hard to get out of this town unless you go north or south.   The wind is still a bit breezy at times so we still have to worry about trees falling and power lines down.  Metro North is still shutdown, which is fine for me because I don't like to commute with all those crazy workaholics that flip out when the trains are delayed and crowded; so I get to work from home tomorrow.

I took a walk around the town this afternoon and was surprised with the drivers - Hello people...roads are flooded, traffic lights are out...use more caution! What is the rush?  Where has common sense and courtesy gone? 

Here are some local pictures, this is not as bad as we've experienced in the past (4 1/2 years ago it was worse) but it still isn't ideal.  I feel very bad for all the people who live in these areas (and throughout the hurricane area - especially Vermont) that have to deal with all this work and destruction.



this is a block from my parents

 





park under water



water is to the top of this bridge





guy about to jet-ski in the park



Come On Irene

We are ready for hurricane Irene...now it's just waiting to see if the weather people were correct with their predictions or it they were wrong.  Yesterday we spent some time at my sister's house emptying her basement since they tend to get water down there during 'regular' heavy rains. It is a lot of work to prepare for the what if...but it is necessary because if you didn't you'd be really grumpy after the fact when so much gets destroyed.  We cleaned up outside so things wouldn't fly through windows and we were starting to wonder why some neighbors didn't seem to be doing very much...but they did today.  Going through town stores were boarded up or had tape on the windows.  Our town, like many others near water have certain areas that are being evacuated...my parents are on the cusp of the evacuation zone so I went to their house to stay with my mother since my dad was called into volunteer.

Today is August 27th which aside from Hurricane Irene also is the 5th anniversary of me being 'single' or really giving up my previous life. I can't believe it has been FIVE years already.  I know two of those years went by in the biggest blur/fog ever. I remember being a zombie, walking around crying, moping, and being in a trance.  The days were the longest of my life and every day I just wished for the future to a time where I couldn't be like that...to where all that pain was a distant memory.  While I remember so much of the emotions and agony, I am happy to report (as I did earlier this week) that I am in a much better place now  :)  Sure, I still think about SI and I wonder what my life would have been like, and I know he thinks about me a little bit.  Not sure if he regrets everything or wishes we ended up together...but it doesn't really matter. 

I'll post pictures of the hurricane damage, if any, in the next few days.  I am sure we'll loose electricity at some point, but in all honesty, I don't think it will be as bad as the news has us thinking it will be, especially because it was downgraded already. 

Hope all my readers who are on the East Coast are safe.  Try to make the most of it  :)

24b - A playlist for someone - love

Here is part two of my playlist - this is dedicated to my future husband.  Most of these songs are on my current 'love' playlist.

• Carolina Liar -Show Me What I am Looking For
• Berlin - Take My Breath Away
• Billy Joel - Just the Way You Are
• Bon Jovi - Thank You for Loving Me
• Celine Dion - The Power of Love
• Chicago - You're the Inspiration
• Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
• Faith Hill - The Way You Love Me
• Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting
• Frank Sinatra - The Way You Look Tonight
• Journey - Faithfully
• Kelly Clarkson - A Moment Like This
• Luther Vandross - Endless Love
• Peter Cetera - Glory of Love
• Phil Collins - A Groovy Kind of Love
• REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling
• Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
• Rod Stewart - Have I Told You Lately
• Shaina Twain - From This Moment On
• Luther Vandross - Always & Forever
• Edwin McCain - I Could Not Ask for More
• John Michael Montgomery - I Can Love You Like That
• KC & JoJo - All My Life
• Foreigner - I Want to Know What Love Is
• Sara Barellis - Love Song
• Brian Adams - When You Really Love a Woman
• Bob Seger - Still the Same
• Billy Joel - Shameless
• Celine Dion - Because You Loved Me
• The Turtles - Happy Together
• Extreme - More Than Words
• Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
• Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
• Al Green - Let's Stay Together
• Barry White - You're My First, My Last, My Everything
• Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
• Wham - I Want You to Want Me
• Diana Ross & Lionel Richie - Endless Love
• Atlantic Star - Always
• Aerosmith - I Don't Want to Miss a Thing
• Madonna - Crazy for You
• John Trivola & Olivia Newton John - You're the One that I Want
• Nat King Cole - When I Fall in Love
• Etta James - At Last
• Whitney Houston - Saving All My Love for You
• Colbie Callait - Fallin' for You
• Peabo Bryson - A Whole New World
• Lone Star - Amazed
• Frankie Vali - Can't Take My Eyes Off of You
• James Taylor - How Sweet It Is
• All 4 One - I Swear
• Luther Vandross - Here and Now
• Elton John - Your Song
• Air Supply - Even the Nights are Better
• Evan & Jarod - Crazy for this Girl
• Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply
• Bryan Adams - Everything I do, I do for you
• Bon Jovi - Always
• Minnie Riperton - Loving You
• The Script - For the First Time
• Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
• Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
• Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
• Survivor - The Search is Over
• Michael Jackson - The Way You Make Me Feel

Can we be friends again?

Do you think you can be friends with someone from years ago when the circumstances around the end of the friendship was hurtful to you?

Azya Wine & Chocolate Bar

Summer Friday's are almost over...only two left.  Out of the 14 early Friday's, I had to work 3 of them, 1 I took as vacation, 8 I had plans later that afternoon/evening and 2 I had just free - sitting around my apartment and have lunch and catch up on TV.

Last Friday my co-worker and I went to Ayza Wine & Chocolate Bar in NYC for lunch.  It was a nice day, hot actually so we sat outside under an umbrella.  We ordered from their lunch menu; we had a mini panini with a side.  I ordered the white bean dip which was delicious - but they should have given some more bread chips or something to dip into the dip in order to eat it - there were only two bread chips included.  I had the pulled pork & cheddar panini which was very tasty. I also ordered my second ever martini - a raspberry chocolate one (their best selling one according to our waitress) that came with a truffle.  While the martini was good - it was not ideal to drink this with the lunch items.    My co-worker had the hummus and vegetable panini along with their sangria. 

If/when I go back I'd probably order the cheese sampler with fruit if they have it along with a chocolate beverage. 

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant, what would you do?

Over the last few years, I have gone back and forth if I want a child.  I wanted a child 7+ years ago but realistically in the last 5 years I knew that it wasn't an option.  There are times I am happy I don't have a kid to tote around but most of the time I feel empty like I am missing out on something that I've wanted since I was 22. 

There are definitely people I wouldn't want to have a child with...and I think how could I be so reckless?  Which I guess leads to some of my long dry spells because I scare myself sometimes.  I can't imagine aborting a future child...but I wonder if I could give one up for adoption if the timing was wrong and making some couple's dream come true. 

On the other hand, it is something I've wanted for so long that if I get pregnant, I hope it is with someone I am somewhat attracted to (I have a huge fear of thinking my kid is ugly & then they'll have a harder life in school).  I am not expecting a casual sex encounter to lead to staying/marrying the guy so I need to be ready to be a single parent, just in case.  

Of course I'd be happiest if I actually liked/loved a guy. That there was some sort of commitment and that we would raise our child together.

Long answer short...I would keep the baby and figure it out.

An Earthquake?

Holy crapola I experienced my first earthquake today.  I was in talking with my boss on the 17th floor of where I work when I started swaying. She was sitting, I was standing.  I asked her if she felt that or if it was me & a balance issue.   She felt it too and a look of panic crossed her face...should we evacuate?  I said no, the shaky went away - maybe it was construction on a close floor. But she was here for September 11, 2001.  I didn't know what caused the shake and I returned to my office soon thereafter.  Then other people said they felt it too...but didn't know if it was them.  Good thing for FaceBook that told me it was an earthquake in Virginia.  (Colorado also had an earthquake this morning too,first in like 40-50 years - as did a bunch of small ones in California)  Fifteen minutes passed and the building PA came on informing us that we are "sheltering in place' and not to leave the building.  My co-worker and I were discussing this evacuation thing and wondered would it be better to be outside and risk all the buildings collapsing on you - or being inside and falling with the building.  Yeah, we are a little morbid.

I developed a small headache, which I am thinking has to do with my ear balance being disrupted.  Did any of you feel the earthquake too? If so where were you?

Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?

The best thing going for me right now is that I am starting to feel great.  I am spending money on me - Keratin hair treatments, electrolysis, laser hair removal (underarm & Brazilian bikini), new makeup, hair straightener and new clothes.  I was told once by a guy that I didn't put enough effort into my looks...and I thought, why should I? I wasn't a slob but even though I originally attracted him, it wore off and I've worried since then about not only meeting a guy but keeping one.  During my depression it was hard to want to look good or feel good and I didn't meet anyone.  Now, I am putting that effort in that I've been missing.  It hasn't been easy.  I buy shoes that I don't wear, I have bags that I don't use, I buy clothes that I either don't wear or don't know what to wear it with, I have more eye shadow than I need, and I don't know how to change up my outfits to look cute.  I still have more work to do, but what I've done I am really happy with and people notice it.  My gynecologist and my regular physician both told me that I looked great, someone else comments that I just seem happy.  Two people I hooked up with told me they liked my body - which helps my self esteem because I am insecure about my tremendous breasts and wider frame.  I smile and laugh more.  I am confident in my work, becoming a little more social, and know I deserve to be happier.  There are times that I have a bad day or look like crap but overall I am really good. I haven't felt this way since I was 16 and 19. 

I hope that by feeling great my universe will start to align and good things will start happening to me.  (job, fh, more money). 

lonely no more

One of the hardest things is to adjust to a life on your own after a breakup.  While in a relationship we get caught up, take for granted and it is just part of the norm to have that person around; even if you can no longer stand them.

One of the hardest things for me was sleeping alone; not having that person to sleep next to (even if the snoring drove you crazy).  After a year and a half of sleeping on an air mattress & really old bumpy bed, I finally decided one way to help me adjust to sleeping alone was to purchase a bed...a nice BIG bed.  I mean, what do I need a king size mattress for?  But why not? It if is something that will help - it is a great investment since we spend so much time sleeping.

The second hardest thing was that I felt like I was alone.  No one understood what I was going through and how I felt.  Everyone around me was in 'happy' relationships and no one close to me was divorced or and a big breakup.  I couldn't relate to anyone and no one knew how to relate to me. I was isolated.  I really appreciated people reaching out to me and getting me out of the house - even if it seemed like I was miserable since I didn't know how to be anymore.  So thank you to all those people that dragged me out and kept persisting.  My advice to those in similar situations is to get out of the house...keep your mind busy.  You don't need to smile, laugh,have fun or enjoy yourself...but just changing your surroundings helps; maybe not at first but keep at it. 

The third hardest thing was attending events by yourself.  Right after my breakup my at the time best friend asked me to go to a bridal event, and I declined.  Our relationship suffered because she couldn't understand why I couldn't go look at wedding dresses, DJs, bands, photographers, etc.  She was only with her boyfriend for 2 years and was getting married, and I was getting out of a 4+ year relationship...hmmm...not rocket science.  By the time her wedding rolled around I was still single and it was the hardest thing to be there without a date, watching the ceremony and crying upset that these two people were marrying and I wasn't, no one to dance with at the reception, etc.  That was the last time I saw or spoke to my friend, and it was for like 1 minute - at that point our lives were too different and we couldn't relate to one another.  Over the years I still dread weddings, baby showers or other events for couples.  Finding someone to go with you to concerts/plays/etc is hard - even if you are newly dating someone you can't ask them to attend something with you in 6+ months...that could be scary since it is thinking into the future.   This will get easier over time - believe me...but you have to keep at it.  Suck it up and keep telling people yes you'll attend, go and have a miserable time, eventually you will get better at the small talk,  you will start smiling, and you will start hoping for the best for your friends/family.

Some people love being alone - I am not worried about them.  But if you are anything like me who craves to be part of a couple being alone is a huge adjustment.  Essentially I am just passing the time doing boring things until my fh gets here, learning some tips along the way.  Listen to the feed back your good friends and family are telling you - and find a way to overcome some of those fears that are holding you back.

Remember you are not alone. It seems that way and it seems like everyone can look at you and know how sad you are.  Talk to other people or start a blog and get your feelings out - and that will help you on your way to your recovery.  In the mean time, make the most out of your alone time.  I am not promoting going crazy and doing a 180 on your personality - but in your alone time you can watch a movie that you've always wanted to but your significant other never wanted to.  Order some food that you always compromised on.  Decorate your surroundings the way you like or buy something that was previously frowned down upon.  

Eventually you won't be so lonely.

my little shopping spree

I try to not spend a lot of money since I am kinda broke.  But every once in a while I the urge to go shopping & I haven't bought clothes or things for my place in so long.  Unfortunately in the last 5 days I spent way too much money...some of you will think it is pocket change - but for me every dollar really counts. 

I sit here wondering what items I will end up returning, but what it comes down to is that I picked them all because I wanted them to feel better about myself.  I want to look better and when I feel better then I'll act nicer and seem more attractive both inside & out with others.  It isn't much savings buying stuff on sale when it will take me a few months to pay it off.

• $133 worth of bare minerals make up (I spent $175 a few months ago) but I really like this makeup and my face is important to attract my fh.
• $168 on 2 pairs of Lucky skinny jeans
• $32 on a pair of brown boots from a website that has daily deals
• $84 in H&M on 1 scarf, 1 blue long sleeve sweater, 1 stripped shirt, 1 cardigan and 1 tank top
• $135 on 2 bras and 5 pairs panties
• $70 in JCPenny on a summer suit (huge sale & coupon)
• $150 from Under Armour on a few sweaters and tank tops (I actually bought this 3 weeks ago)
• $50 in Express for one dressy shirt
• $50 in White House Black Market for a shirt
• $21.50 in Sephora for two lip glosses
• $48 In Ikea for 2 frames, a shoe organizer, 4 lunch containers and candles

And I really need to buy rain boots - I don't have those yet, but since it rains a lot it would be helpful.  I also want to get a cabinet for my bathroom to store my crap.  Anyone want to send me a birthday gift?

I look forward to the time when I can buy things with my debit card and not rack up debt.  One day.

Getting my blog back on track

Lately I've been writing about anything & everything going on in my life, which is very fitting to my BLAH BLAH BLAH title of the blog, because really, none of this stuff is too interesting.

I realized a year and a half into this, that I am not really writing about all the other stuff I said I'd write about - just the in between part  "This blog is about my journey of healing myself after a breakup, dealing with how to be single, the quest for new love, and all the things in between. "  So, I am hoping to start filling you in on some healing and tips on how to be single since I don't cry about it all the time now, I am sure I can be of some assistance to those depressed & sad people that are going through what I went through that so many other people don't understand.  

To help me keep on tract - I am thinking I'll write at least one post a week on any topic that has to do with any aspect of relationship, maybe on Mondays.

Until I start, feel free to read some other posts I've written a while back. 
Forgiveness 101
Signs he is cheating
Burn party
What would you do if an Ex wanted you back?
I'm Mine
Is Happiness Overrated?
I have no agenda
Dare to Forgive by Edward Hallowell
Marry Him, Marry Her by Lori Gottlieb

My theme song: unwritten

Do you remember Ally McBeal?  It was a TV show that ran from 1997 - 2002 where Calista Flockhart played Ally who works at law firm with her ex and his new wife.  Anyway, she'd have these songs in her head that would change depending on what was going on...kind of like her own personal theme song to help her get through something.  I remember hearing "Hooked on a Feeling" a lot.

Then the other day I was talking to a friend who told me she had a theme song too.  I felt like I really needed one...you know, when you are in a bad mood, before you do something important or even just to re-energize you and help you get through the day.  That one song that sums up how you want to feel that makes you happy...could do wonders to our mental health.

So how do I pick a theme song?   I wanted it to reflect part of me and what I am going through.  The hard part is that I know some songs, but not necessarily enough to come up with a song that fits me perfectly.  I started to ask a few people to help find songs for me, but that is hard because as well as they know me it is supposed to be my song.
One night I was in the car and Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten came on...I was about to change the channel because that song can get annoying...but then I decided to listen to the words again and thought it could be fitting for me at where I am in my life right now.  I am so undecided about so many things...I am looking forward to my future and what it holds even though I don't know what is in store for me.  It also reminds me that I need to live now...to put my past behind me and start over and that it is OK to make mistakes. Most importantly it tells me that I am the one that needs to do the work for my life.

It won't be my theme song forever...maybe just for the next six months or so. I am hoping that things will start unfolding and I will be able to see a little further into where my life is going. 

Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined

I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

lyrics taken from AZ Lyrics

Review: Lalibela

Can I tell you how much I love Ethiopian food?  This cuisine seems to be a bit more rare then most other cuisines such as Mexican, Chinese, Thai, Italian, Indian, etc.  I am fortunate that I had an ex that liked these other kinds of food and exposed me to some amazing flavors.  I tried two or three places in both Washington DC and New York City.  But my favorite Ethiopian food was in Montclair NJ - Mesob Restaurant.  I frequented this place enough that at one point the owner/waiter knew us and we'd always order the meat sampler and bring our own wine.  Unfortunately when I moved my Ethiopian consumption was practically nill. 

A month ago while trying to find a new restaurant to try, my research brought me to a website announcing the opening of Lalibela an Ethiopian Restaurant in Mt. Kisco NY...the first of its kind in Westchester County.  I was overjoyed..but what was the date on that article?  May 2010? Why was I just hearing about it NOW? 

I finally found someone to go there with me (believe it or not, it was hard to find someone interested in eating something unfamiliar and with their hands) yesterday.  I ordered the meat combo which included Siga Wat, Yebag wat, Doro Wat and Misir Wat, Shiro Wat and Cabbage and he ordered the Kitfo.  I really liked all my dishes - however I really didn't try the Doro Wat because it had a bone it in and I didn't really know the person across the table from me.  I loved the lentils (misir wat) and split pea (shiro wat).  I could have eaten more since it has been months since I've had it...but again, I barely knew the person I was with and didn't want to seem like a huge pig...not that it mattered...it wasn't a date, per sae.

I forgot to take a picture, but I found one on their site

I have to say that I still like Mesob in Montclair better for a few reasons (including the selections in the sampler [doro tibs, ye'bang aletcha, sides come with the meat selections], the company I went with, the ambiance, and that I don't remember burping it up so much)...but I am still really glad someplace opened up in Westchester; I am sure I'll be back at some point. 

Year 2 update on my 30 goals for my 30s.

Today is my last day I'll be 31 so I am quickly reflecting on my 30 goals for my 30s now that two years have passed.  This past year I've really worked more on myself and feeling more confident and happy and not so much on my actual list...but you need to feel better about who you are before you concentrate on the goals.

So what have I done? 

• Well, with a little help, I bought a used car...which has allowed me to not borrow my parents car and not have them constantly ask me questions about my whereabouts. 
• I have done a lot more things out of my comfort zone.  Examples are:  blind dates, attending a Shakespeare in the park alone, attended a seminar alone, attended a movie screening alone, went to the beach with an almost stranger, talk to strangers at work function during meals, reconnected with some high school friends, matchmaking, confronted a condescending client, etc.
• I am becoming more secure in who I am...but I am not quite ready to think I've achieved that...but there is a good chance I can cross that off for next year
• Lower my blood pressure - it has been lower since February - but I'd like to see that carry longer to ensure it is in fact lower...maybe if it is lower for a year I'll cross it off.

I am in the middle of another goal...but not ready to divulge anything.  And I think that this coming year will be way better for me in the love area...I feel like my time is approaching. I've been patient and I feel better about myself.  Keep your fingers crossed...because if I find love, I know that my other goals will start coming together.

I also realized I still need 7 more goals.  Do you have any suggestions of goals you are trying to achieve in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s?