Friday, September 9, 2011

UPDATE Day 09 - someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

I was very nervous about meeting up with T.  I haven't seen her in about 4 years and not much about me has changed.  Isn't that always the worst? Seeing someone after so long and you can't really say a lot of amazing things about what you've been up to? How does that phrase go? Same thing different day?  I am stuck on this cycle.  Not a great re-first impression; although I wasn't planning on saying much about me anyway.

I tend to hold a grudge (well, with everyone except SI) and I am stubborn.  I knew going into this 'meeting' that I would be uncomfortable, but I have this thing I am working on...doing things out of my comfort zone...and this, well, it met my quota for the  month.  I was also a bit nervous about what I'd look like to someone after so much time has lapsed.  I was putting some thought into my outfit so I'd look thinner & professional (maybe just as much effort as a date) and worry that my hair will be unruly in the rain.

What if T ran over and gave me a huge hug?  What if she asks me about all the dating I've done (I can count my dates on my two hands), What if there is nothing to talk about?

I get to the bar about 45 minutes before her and down a beer to help unnerve me. She walks in and I don't stand up to greet her, but we hug very slightly.  One of the first things we talk about is my lack of enthusiasm to seeing I was very honest with her about my hesitations.  Our catching up was slow.  She filled me on her divorce - that it was because (and she claims no one really knows the truth) that she fell in love with someone else when she was married and has been dating him for a year and are thinking about moving in together. She asked me a little about SI, since that is the last she knew...and unfortunately I teared up a little explaining things - I was unprepared for that. Oh, and her friend was going to meet us at the bar at 7pm.

So I have problems with two things.  First, I was shocked she invited someone else she was friends with when she hasn't seen me in so long.  I'd have preferred if she was like, 'I gotta go at 7'.  Turns out the friend was really nice and I talked with her a lot, but that also meant that I wasn't speaking to T, defeating the whole purpose of trying to decide if we were supposed to be friends or not.

Second, and this wasn't about her so much, but I don't understand why these kinds of people find love so easily.  She has never really been that single, maybe when we were 21.  But she kept bouncing around with guys.  So then she gets 'lucky' and gets married then while married finds love with a co-worker best friend?  So not only is she like SI where she doesn't understand how hard a breakup could be for someone that is madly in love with someone else, she is also happy.  I lost years of my life because I was sad and depressed...and she was over her husband before he moved out.  So now she'll probably have a second wedding...and I haven't even come close to finding someone to date me (and it is not like I am ugly or deformed).

Why I am so different?  Is it because I am no longer needy?  I am a somewhat self-sufficient, independent woman that isn't unattractive, so people just pass me by.  I want love too. 

Will I see T again? I am not opposed to it.

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