Good Luck Denise

In 2007, Good Luck Chuck hit the theaters.  While I am not a Dane Cook or Jessica Alba fan - the premise of the movie is worth noting today.  In order to keep the woman of his dreams from falling for another guy, Charlie Logan has to break the curse that has made him wildly popular with single women: Sleep with Charlie once, and the next man you meet will be your true love.

I don't sleep around as much as Chuck does, not even close!  However, I think I am that girl that makes guys realize that they want more; just not with me.  It all started with Cop #1; while our relationship was physically intense it didn't have a long term future - but I didn't realize it at the time.  I was young, I thought I might be falling in love or at least lust.  I didn't realize what was in store for me...but when he strung me around for another year, he ended up dating the girl that would become his wife. 

There was Cop#2 after, but I have no idea what happened to him.

Then SI...I'll be honest, I have no idea what the true story is...but we dated, he has an affair - and is at least engaged to the other woman...he probably married her, or maybe not. Either way...he would rather of married her than me  :(

After SI, I tried to have sex with 'skeevy'.  I only did this to help move on...people say to get over someone, you need to get under someone else.  It was utterly disgusting.  yuck.  We remained friends for a while, and he met this girl and they have been dating for about 18 months now. 

Then there was Doofy.  A month after Mexico, he began dating some girl, and they were together for at least 10 months...they might still be togehter for all I know...but I am not sure. If they are, it would be 14 months.

Bank Boy...he seems to be the only one not fitting into this trend yet...but then again he is still obsessed.

Then there is HSK.  We were having fun but then  he stops talking to me...claiming he was more interested in pursing casual sex - and thought I wanted more so he just ended it.  He wanted to sleep around, not be tied down.  Now, 2 1/2 months later, his FB status is 'in a relationship'.

Amazing how I have the power to get men to settle down with women...but only after they leave me missing out on what I want most.  Sure, some of these guys I didn't want a relationship with but I am left wondering - what is wrong with  me? Clearly they liked something about me enough to realize having a relationship might be nice...but with someone else.

Hopefully my curse will break and the next guy I meet will result in a real relationship.

Strip trivia

I don't think I ever played strip poker, how did I miss out on so many 'regular' growing up things?   Recently however, I discovered strip trivia.  I love the anticipation of getting naked...looking at a good looking guy knowing time is ticking until we can touch. 

The first time it happened was an accident.  Sometimes I talk a lot, sometimes I ask crazy questions or want to know something unusual.  Lately I have a tendency to drink to feel more comfortable to have sex (although HSK was the first I didn't have that issue with).  So I had 2 or 3 drinks..and since I may seem aloof at times, my opponent under estimated how smart I am.  We were talking about president requirements and I was surprised he didn't know the three basic requirements...SHOCKING.  That is how it started.  Of course I had to look it up and prove I was right...because that is the kind of girl I am.  He had to prove a point, that I don't know half of what I think I know.  We make a bet. So he looks up some crazy question and I think about it...and give my answer.  Even though it was a guess, I was right (in American cars, what note does a horn beep?).  I won the bet.  Then double the bet...I got the next three questions right.  I remained mostly clothed...so even though he lost...he still 'won'. 

Since I like trivia, I knew that wouldn't be the last time I played strip trivia.  This is definitely a game I plan to play for years to come...don't forget it is important to keep things fun with your boyfriend/husband - if anything I learned this lesson a little too late.

My hands tell me

While I was having drinks with my co-worker last Friday, he told me I had ugly hands.  I look at them and realize that they aren't the most attractive...and if one part of my body is ugly, I am OK with it being the hands. We look at each of our hands and notice the difference of all the lines and we were trying to figure out what they all meant in comparison to each others.

So I get home and I google palm reading.  My interpretation of my own hands:

• Life line - strong and deep in my early years, vitality and health are great.  then it becomes shorter and less deep meaning my life will be controlled by others. The line is straight and stays closer to the thumb meaning I have limited exploration  or love and I am very cautious. But it also breaks into two lines which means a sudden change in life style.  I have a tendency to waste energy but I tend to recover well from bad situations.
• Head line - A strong sense of mind generally rules over my body. I look at childhood with a cautious and fearful outlook. Separated lines show a love for adventure and an enthusiasm for life.  I have a logical, realistic and direct way of thinking.  I have one major decision in my life. My luck seems to be decent (although I can tell you I feel like I am so unlucky....maybe in the future that will be a good thing for me)
• Heart line - I will have a normal & content love life.  I have a selfish and materialistic look at love, a slight disregard to the true meaning of love and its responsibilities & I tend to easily give my heart away.  I have two depressions/emotional traumas.  I have one extension line that indicates that I will be happy in love once.
• Health line - ? not too sure...i don't think I'll have too many health problems in my 'old age'
• Fate line -I will successfully change careers in my middle years. I have periods of my life where my life will not smooth so well; trouble is in store for me.
• Fame line - ?
• Marriage line - I will have two marriages (I believe one was considered with SI - while not a marriage, we lived together).  The second one seems later in life (which of course is since I will be older than 32).  At least one affair while one is married.
• Money line - ? money acquired through luck? I had a hard time finding my money line...maybe that just reaffirms how broke I am  :(
• Travel line - 4 significant trips. 

My time at the food pantry

After work on Tuesday I decided to volunteer at the local food pantry.  Essentially it is a place that compiles food for about 600+ local families.  They have it figured out pretty well...but the volunteers change regularly so it isn't as efficient as it could be...I guess that is the management in me.

How it works is there is a recycled bag that gets pushed down a table and people add items to the bag.  Today it was filled with 2 boxes cereal, 2 pastas, 1 sauce,1 bag rice, Vienna sausage, 2 cans tuna fish, 1 beef pasta box, 3 bananas, 8 oranges, 1 cucumber, 5 peaches, 2 heads lettuce, ? plums, ? carrots, 1 yellow squash,  a loaf of bread, and a few other items.  They get something similar twice a month.  I was there stuffing and thinking that these people are eating better than me!  Such a nice variety of food.  It was all generic and I think locally grown fruit/veggies.

I had hoped this would have been rewarding to the point I'd want to do it more often, but unfortunately that aspect isn't really something I see myself doing...maybe I'd be better with the distribution lines which was the next shift.  I have been trying to think of other volunteer opportunities that I'd like, but honestly I haven't done anything in 7 months.  One that caught my eye was playing scrabble at the nursing home...but they wanted a volunteer once a week, which is too often for me.  Then I wonder, if I volunteered that much - I should just get a second job.  I am glad I tried it, I am not opposed to doing it again once in a while.

July 25th

In the midst of this heat wave, I decide to go to Jones Beach yesterday.  The ONE day that is is cloudy with - get this...50% chance of rain...can the weather predictors be any worse?  Anyway, I decided even if it is not beautiful out, I'd go to the beach to reflect, to think, to see if any thoughts come to mind about my life and how I can change it.  I arrived at 9:30am and the beach was virtually empty which made it even better.  I picked a  spot away from the life guards and sat alone looking out to the ocean; enjoying the view.

My phone rings.  Normally I would have left it in the car but since a friend was going to meet me later, I brought it with me.  I look at the phone and the area code scares me..I hesitate and then decide to answer, but the person had already hang up and left no message.  Whenever I see a call from that area code my heart drops...it is the same area code as SI...and while a million other people have that area code, it wouldn't be the first time I received a call from someone he dated.  When I got home I looked up the number...but was too scared to do more of a search using their names; I can't know. Unfortunately my time of reflection was over. I put my headphones on and enjoyed when the sun peeked out from the clouds.

Memorial Day weekend, I attended that beer pong party at Skater Boy's house.  I met a few people and I've been chatting occasionally with this one guy.  Turns out he was on Long Island for the weekend, so he decided to meet me at the beach. I was proud of myself, I was putting myself in an uncomfortable position - meeting up with an almost stranger.  He got there way later than he originally said...but I didn't mind since I was enjoying my time alone.  It was a little awkward I guess at first since I am not really a 'fun' kind of person - so we just talked for 3 hours until the rain started then we headed over to grab a small bite to eat.  We made plans to get together to try out this restaurant near me because I was just so happy to discover, a year too late, that Westchester now has an Ethiopian restaurant. I can't wait to try it. Yum Yum Yum.  But more important, how do I know if that was a date?  I've gotten about 30 texts since I left him yesterday and another invite to the beach that I can't do.  He isn't my future husband...but I have been looking for a short fling or maybe someone to have casual sex with...but he lives an hour away...and that is not ideal on my gas tank.  And, the whole idea of that still scares the crapola out of me...why was it so easy with HSK but not with other people? ugh.

I get back home and Skater Boy and I text for an hour or two. He moved so I know it is easier for me to flirt with him when I know I won't see him for months/years/if ever again.

Rules of attraction

It is reassuring that after 12 years I still find someone attractive; that a small glance turns me on.  Sure we've grown up a bit and filled out, but those same qualities that I found attractive in a man years ago are still the qualities that I like now.  It is reassuring because that means when I meet my husband and if I find him attractive, that means based on my track record, I will remain attracted to my husband for many years and THAT makes me happy.

I believe that attraction grows on you, that a person can be kind of attractive, but those other qualities that you like enhance their appearance.  Or a good looking person's attractiveness was decreased based on their personality.  These have been true with a few people I've dated.

But I've wondered if someones attractiveness once you've built it up can disintegrate because that didn't happen to me with SI even after what he put me through.  The last thing I want is to meet someone, date, marry and then find them unattractive years later because what does that mean for our relationship? I don't believe in divorce unless of course something horrible happened or if someone was incarcerated...I want to work through my problems; marriage isn't supposed to be easy all the time.

For me attraction IS important.  I am a horny person, I like sex, I want to look at someone and smile.  I want there to be affection - not just in the beginning of a relationship, but throughout it and even many years later.  That is part of who I am, that is part of what I require so I know a relationship without attraction won't work for me.  Call me shallow if you must; but this is why I worry about attraction.

Plop

Today I felt like being a little spontaneous and accepted an invite to lunch from one of my co-workers since we get out a little early for summer Fridays.  We picked a place close by that he wanted to try that good great reviews for the chicken pot pie; I ordered the chicken panini which had avocado, bacon and cheddar cheese with a side of salad.  The panini was good after I pulled the lettuce off but he wasn't too keen on the chicken pot pie.  It was still early so we decide to grab a drink.  We had hoped to go to the Bryant Park Hotel for a drink, but they didn't open until 5pm so we ended up having a drink in the 98degree heat at Bryant Park.  I sweat quite a bit, but it wasn't unbearable.  We order a second drink this time in bottles since the tap beer wasn't so cold.  I had to use the public restroom, which I was surprised with how clean it was.  Anyways, so I go back to my drink and I start to feel my belly rumble, I also start to feel a little tipsy - perhaps because of being in the heat for about an hour.  I head over to Grand Central knowing I needed to use the restroom, but my train was in 5 minutes, and decided getting home sooner would be better.  Big mistake.  I get on the train and felt light headed and couldn't really read by book.  I start getting the goosebumps; you know what that means...an imminent need to poop.

I try to hold it in.  I close my eyes and it works the goosebumps pass. I am counting the minutes/train stops.  The ride seems to take forever.  Then the goosebumps would return.  I start to feel nauseous and worry that I won't make it home in time.  Three stops before my stop I run to the train bathroom - my second time EVER to use the train bathroom.  Thank goodness this was a relatively new train, so it was clean inside.  I barely unbutton my pants, get in position and PLOP.  It was super quick to come out and I was back in my seat before the next stop.  Thank goodness, I was worried it was going to be so bad that I'd miss my stop.  I leave the bathroom and wonder if the few passengers left would know I pooped...did the car now smell like shit?  At least I was fast so hopefully a little less obvious.  I get off and have to walk home knowing that I'd need a bathroom and wonder what would happen if I shit my pants?  I mean, sure I'd probably throw it away...but walking might be a little tough for that short time.  Unfortunately the pain and cramps didn't go away for a few hours.

I haven't felt a reaction like that from food in a while and I was not happy to relive that horrible feeling.  It brought back many years ago when that seemed to be a common occurrence and all I can think about is thank goodness I cook for myself a lot and not have to deal with that. 

Have you ever needed to use a train bathroom? 

My strange garbage habit

Do you have a strange habit that people don't understand?  I've had a few people look at me funny when I told them why I had a grocery bag in my fridge, taking up valuable shelf space.

In the summer especially, it is hot. Food tends to decay rapidly when left at room temperature and starts to smell really bad.  Living alone, I do not fill my garbage bag that quickly which means I don't throw it away outside on a daily basis...it's more like once a week or up to 14 days.

Instead of putting leftover or discarded food in the garbage can, I'll throw it back in the fridge until I take out the trash.  To me, this seems like such a normal, great use of conserving plastic while helping the environment.  OK OK, I could start composting, which would be better...but where to put my compost? We do not have land here and I am not going to drive it over to my parent's house.  I had hoped to install a garbage disposal because I know I don't have a lot of regular garbage, but it has been sitting in my closet for two years waiting to be installed...which will not happen in this apartment.  So, it comes down to instead of my apartment smelling for days and instead of throwing away a bag 3/4 empty, food just stays in the fridge a little longer.  I can afford the shelf space most of the time and have learned to keep a section reserved for that very purpose. 

So if you are ever over and look in my fridge, don't question whether I plan to eat that half eaten brown apple, egg shells or chicken bones.  Clearly I am not starving or under nourished.  What do you take me for?

my loneliness is killing me

I have really been enjoying my 3.5 day weekends.  Best use of my comp. time so far!  Not that I do anything 'special'.  In fact I had a really boring weekend...a little depressingly boring.  It felt great to relax and not have a care in the world (well, that isn't true, I have a lot on my mind) but at the same time, I want to spend that time with a special someone. 

And that always gets me to think about how much I loved being part of a couple.  I mean, I guess I wasn't good at it, but I liked it nonetheless.  I am so tired of being alone. 

Which brings me to two things that happened last week.
1) I woke Thursday night in a sweat from a nightmare about SI's two kids.  One 7 and the other around 2.  The dream was so vivid and real.  I actually had to sit and and think...did I actually know if he had kid(s)? or is it so familiar because it is a dream I have had more than once?  I was too shaken up to fall back to sleep.  And for what? I mean, who cares if he has a kid.  Well, partly I guess I do since all that time I wanted a family when I was young and he insisted he didn't.  I went with it because of love, someone needs to compromise; but then I get screwed because now I won't have a kid till I am 'older' than I had hoped and part of me is empty because of it...while he might have one or five and well, it doesn't seem right.  But again...that shouldn't bother me this late in the recovery.  And I am mostly recovered.  Sure little things pop up but it is more about the feelings I had in that situation, memories or just the idea...not so much HIM anymore.

2) I bought tickets a month or two ago to a concert.  I never do that - not unless I know someone is going with me and we make the plans.  But I got tired of missing out on things, and I wanted to see THIS concert so I bought two tickets thinking surely someone would go with me.  I asked around...no takers.  My sister said she would but ONLY IF no one else would go...and she even posted a fb status asking someone to go with me so she didn't have to.  I mean, I wasn't that desperate was I?  I like to think not, but then again...no one wanted to go.  I knew if I couldn't find anyone, that I probably wouldn't go myself.  One of the barriers I need to overcome is doing things alone.  So I was starting to toy with the idea of sending a ticket to SI. See if he'd show up.  I can't imagine anything good would come of it since I know I'd still find him attractive and still wonder what if?  But it thankfully it didn't come to me succumbing to my loneliness; I begged someone to go and not pay for the ticket...just so I'd have company.  I'm looking forward to it in August.  I love outdoor concerts.

I don't know what to do with my free time. I still have quite a bit of it.  I am honestly just hoping that if/when I quit I'll get paid for the time off I didn't take.  I should really read the policy manual to see if they do that.  I tried to come up with 'fun' things to do...but I don't really follow through because I'd rather do things with someone or the weather isn't good or something will come up part of the day that ruins the rest of what I was going to do.  This weekend I scheduled a weekend away, but I didn't decide where to go.  Time is ticking.  Will I do it? Probably not.  And that makes me sad.  I hope I don't start falling into oblivion again - I was doing really well.  I really hope it is my immenent period that is making me an emotional basketcase (remember I am not used to these crazy hormone changes) on the verge of tears.

My sister's vacation is my vacation

My sister is on vacation, somewhere on the beach.  Her house sits quiet and empty.  It is a beautiful and hot summer week so I decide to part-time vacation it up at her house.

Since my apartment does not have outdoor space, and I really LOVE being outside in nice weather, I head over to my sister's house to sit on her deck.  I brought my book, my laptop and even my bathing suit.  I was able to sit in the sun or the shade and take in all the fresh air and lovely breeze.  She also has one of those fake pools, another sister and her child came over one day and we all relaxed in the pool for a few hours while the sun beamed down; it was so refreshing.

I feel so much more relaxed after my stressful/sad week last week and I am only one mile away from home.  I don't sleep at my sister's, but I did take some food out of her freezer and pantry.  I'll leave some cash on the counter.

I should really look into house sitting for other people.  Think of how amazing it would be to be in a different environment all the time, while making sure the mail is brought in, there are no intruders, nothing leaks etc all while enjoying someone elses house.

Etiquette for terminal illness

I need to check to see if Emily Post has any etiquette recommendations for the terminal illness of a co-worker in the work place. 

About two years ago we found out that my co-worker was diagnosed with cancer - I believe it was appendix cancer, very rare - and it took the doctors almost a year to diagnose her after she started to feel different, knowing something was wrong with her.  After she finally started treatments, she was doing really well.  My sister & I sent her and her family cookies to help 'cheer' them up.  Then unfortunately about 18 months ago a different co-worker, Kecia, unexpectedly passed away from a blood clot from a very basic surgery.  My co-worker with cancer seemed to be doing better and said that Kecia was looking down from above and healed her.  About a year came and went and then the cancer was back. 

She started treatments again and was still looking more or less like her usual self.  Until one day you can tell she looked weathered.  Her doctors told her there was nothing else they can do.  She kept coming to work to keep some normalcy, and started coming in less often.  During this time everyone was curious and didn't know how to behave around her.  Do you ask 'how are you doing?', 'how are you feeling?', do you just say 'good morning'?  No one wanted to upset her or give her the pity look that we all had.  We quietly talked about what was happening - not just with her and her family, but with work as well.  When someone knew anything about a doctor appointment or her overall health, that spread like wildfire in the office.  Not because we are malicious, but I think because we all felt so bad, she was only 46, happily married with two kids 7 & 9, humble and the nicest person.  None of us knew what to say with out making her feel uncomfortable.

I personally just stuck with the 'good morning' would talk to her about her nice outfit or our hair (she didn't loose it but it was different texture now) when I got mine cut she did soon afterwards - that type of thing.  I'd talk to her about anything BUT her illness.  I still talked with her a little - we never really talked a lot - but I also didn't want to isolate her more than she was already.  I wanted to say something so many times, but I worried I'd tear up or say the wrong thing.

Little by little you can see the deterioration and my heart started to break.  One day a loud mouth co-worker who I can't stand, who loves to talk all day long (and loudly), was in the hallway outside of my co-workers closed doors and said (yelled) how bad my co-worker looked that day.   I mean, really...you know the lady is so sick and she still comes in to act somewhat 'normal' and you can't be a little more subtle?  Sure she didn't look good hunched over the copy machine squinting her face from the excruciating pain that was radiating from somewhere in her abdomen - but you don't say anything out loud!  That was the last day I saw her in the office.  Two weeks or so later we found out she was going to be receiving hospice.

The three people I can't stand in my office decided to send her flowers.  Then the loud mouth put up a big stink - did anyone hear from her because she didn't get a thank you for sending the flowers!  Oh My God...Hello...she is dying, and all you can think about is a thank you?  The rest of the office pooled together money and tried to figure out what to give to someone who is dying.   We finally settled on a gift certificate(s) for a restaurant that the family loved.  She could no longer eat, but we thought it would at least help the family and allow them to spend more time together during the last moments they had left without having to worry about things like cooking.

When our office was being renovated, her office sat there untouched for two weeks.  Who was going to pack it up? What about her personal belongings?  Would there be a miracle this late?  Two days before the moving company had to get everything out I assisted to just put everything in boxes - not cleaning/throwing anything else out.  Someone who knew her better would do that or do that after things were to be unpacked in a few more weeks.

A week or two later I find out that her husband told our president that she took a turn for the worst; he anticipated a few days to two weeks.  Unfortunately the next day we heard that she passed away while resting.  At least she went peacefully.  Everyone always says when you are that ill, that it it good that her illness didn't keep her alive and in pain for months or years.  I can't imagine how hard it is on the family.  All I keep thinking about is the children and growing up with out a mother.

At work we are trying to plan our trip to either the wake or funeral.  Since it is a bit far, we elected to close most of the office on Friday so we can all go together in a bus.  But this creates problems.  When we went to Kecia's wake it was from 7-9 and we were all on the same bus.  Simple.  However, going on Friday we go to the church, the cemetery AND the restaurant after.  The cemetery and after thing made me and a few others uncomfortable because sure, she was a co-worker, but I didn't know her that well, I feel like those things should be for family and good friends and crying in front of co-workers sucks (although all my co-workers have seen me cry a lot 4 3/4 years ago when I cried everyday).  Add to that the trip is about a 75 - 120 minutes each way bus ride with people I can't stand.  So the plans keep changing because everyone wants to go but everyone has different expectations.

The bus ride was as bad as I anticipated.  The two ladies I don't like were talking nonsense half the time.  The loud one thinks she knows everything and was talking about the church air temperatures or the ceremony that will take place...and she was of a different religious denomination...and maybe experienced this a few times...making her no expert.  Things like that just annoy me.  My lazy male co-worker is the most dischevled person I have ever met and he reeks of something...I doubt it is a gross cologne.  The smell alone makes me nauseous.  Add to that I get car sick.

We arrive at our destination.  My company all sits together.  The turnout is great.  The services start and a majority of people start crying.  Plenty of songs are sung.  I look over at her parents and the father keeps convulsing from the heavy sobs...truly heartbreaking and makes me cry even more (although I thought I handled it much better than in the past).  I try not to look, and look straight ahead instead.  I observe once again that at these kinds of services everyone is as silent as could be staring straight ahead...no one wants others to look at them while they cry.  I definitely don't.  I am annoyed that funeral services include the 'peace handshake' with those sitting near you.  Not only do you have to look at all these people with streaks of tears down your face, maybe puffy eyes, but you have to touch their hands that they keep wiping their tears or snot with.  Sure, I used a tissue most of the time...but that was still in my hand.  During the service, my loud co-worker is narrating - she keeps telling us who the speaker is, points over to the family and guesses their relation, she asked someone why there were two candles - I don't know why she can't stop talking it was so inappropriate.  She is like 50 something too...so don't think it is because she is naive.

In the last 5 years, 3 of my co-workers passed away...that seems like a lot considering there is only about 18 of us.

I don't handle funerals well. Crazy since I am still considering pursing a mortuary science degree!
Anyway, has something similar happened in your work place?  What do you think is appropriate when speaking to someone so ill?  What kind of gift can you send to someone that is dying? How do you feel about attending services with your whole organization/department?

Thinking about all those that have left us...all the special people and all those whose services I was a part of.  Remembering all of you is never easy and brings tears to my eyes. 

sexy wild bed-head

Today was the first day in about a month that I straighted my hair.  It was actually looking cute short with crazy curls.  Think something like sexy, wild bed-head - but with more intact curls.

What was the reason for the drastic change up?  And let me tell you it was 'drastic' to other people.  After wearing my straight short stylish hair for a few months in the office, one day I came in with crazy curls and people claimed to have to do a double take not sure if it was me from behind.  Someone forgot my hair was curly/wavy all together...like the last 3 years just vanished.

I was getting annoyed that not only did I have to wake up a little earlier to straighten my hair, but that when it is humid I would spend the time straightening my hair and 1) it would get wavy as soon as I left the apartment and 2) I would start sweating while standing in my underwear and bra in front of the mirror while straightening my hair.  Number 2 was the most problematic since I didn't mind a 'real' look to my straight/wavy hair.  I would have to stop half way through and wipe the sweat that was running down my belly.  When I was done, I felt dirty again...so I debated if I needed to shower or do a little sponge wipe down over my body.  When I'd do the wipe down, I still felt hot and dirty, but just hoped that if I smelt, it would have went away...then I'd add a spray of perfume.  When I would shower (or even re-shower if I showered before I straightened my hair) then I felt cleaner, but the moisture still got through the towel that I had to wrap tightly around my hair since I couldn't let it get wet because...then all that straightening would have been for nothing.

So much work, so I got 'lazy'.  Then because I had great reviews of the hair...I've kept at not really doing it.

One Year Stronger

It has been about one year since I've started seeing my life coach.  In anticipation for this month's meeting, I re-read most of my notebook and was happy to see a lot of personal improvement - feeling a lot better, not so depressed, etc.  I realized that being around miserable/angry people is taking a toll on me, and I understand why a past friend stopped being my friend out of nowhere three years ago, although I don't condone how she went about it.  I have been trying to find little things to keep me busy and doing things for myself which has helped my overall mood. 

However I also realized that I am having a lot of trouble with follow through - especially when it comes to this job thing.  I look and look, research and research...but I haven't done anything.  At first I was upset about this but I realized that I wasn't ready a few months ago to transition even though I need to.  I am more confident and happy now that I am sure that will show during any future interview.   So while that is something that time has worked out, I still struggle with WHAT I want to do.  I recently started thinking of a new career change and add that to the many others I've been thinking about plus the 'old standbys' (similar to what I do now) I just don't know how to choose.  If I go the new route I need to come up with a few thousand dollars to further my education in that specific area.  yeah, more loans  :(  

Another struggle is the hard time I have making new friends.  I am one of those people that might be quiet at first, while I feel out someone to decide if the person is someone I'd want to hang out with.  It takes me a while, longer than usual to make friends.  I haven't made a new friend since I joined my book club.  Unfortunately some of those friends have moved on with their lives and moved away or started families and it just hasn't worked out.  I am not worried about having more friends after I have children...but it would be great if I could find a single female friend or two. 

As for my 'love life' one of my areas of greatly needed improvement - well, you know it is non-existent.  Sure, I had a few experiences where I learned more about me and what I want out of a future partner.  I also went on some blind dates to help with the small talk - since I am so bad with that.  But I am not worried.  My time is approaching.  I am ready.  And I've been very patient with fate...it is my turn soon to get something good.

My health was another issue to tackle.  I recently lost about 10 pounds, and ideally I'd like to loose another 7.  I've managed to keep it off for five months.  I also lowered my blood pressure quite a bit.  I stopped checking it two times a day and more recently only check it every few weeks.  I should be better about that to make sure it doesn't get too high again.

The last thing that was in the initial assessment of my life last year was family.  I learned to distance myself a little - since I am the only single one & only one with out kids...it was hard for them to understand that at times I didn't want to do things with them especially if it focused around the kids...when it was no 'fun' for me.  Sure, I am their Aunt...and I did go to a bunch of things, but it is important to limit that kind of stuff right now.  I've looked, not many of my little kiddos have friends with single parents.  I had other issues as well...but I'd prefer to keep that to myself right now.  My family is great, I don't want you to get the wrong impression.

A Golden Shower

Some people pay a lot of money for a golden shower...you know, when you get urinated on.  I personally don't see the appeal to that.

However, I can't say it never happened to me.  Actually, I was peed on at least twice.  The difference was that 1) I didn't pay for it  and 2) I didn't ask for it, it came as a surprise. 

As most of you know, little baby boys tend to urinate when you change their diaper. About 13 years ago, this happened to me with my first nephew since I didn't know about this phenomom.  Then about a week ago, I was changing a 10 month old.  I told him 'good thing you aren't a newborn, otherwise I'd have to worry about you peeing on me'.  I look over and grab a wipe, and next thing I know, I feel this warm liquid on my leg.  I look at the kid, and he is smiling - like he did it because I said he wouldn't.  I gasp out in shock and make the kid cry. I didn't mean to startle him...but he startled me and that was my first reaction.  Of course he stopped crying, I finished changing his diaper and had to change the sheets and rinse down my pants.  I have to say, I didn't realize non-infants still peed when changing a diaper.

Even covered in warm urine, I don't see the appeal.  It definitely didn't turn me on.  If anything, it gave me baby fever.

Horrible Bosses

Unfortunately the rain cancelled my plans to see a Shakespeare in the Park.  My friend and I decided to see  a movie - Horrible Bosses.  This hour and forty minute movie had some top name actors including Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Spacey and short appearances by Donald Sutherland, Jaime Fox and Colin Farrel.  There were a few new faces for me: Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis.

The movie was so-so.  I mean, sure, I laughed more than a few times but the overall concept of the movie I wasn't really feeling.  I'll be honest, I didn't know what the movie was about before I saw it and now having just read the synopsis, I am not sure if it is a movie I'd see in a theater.  In fact, if you asked me for a recommendation, this wouldn't be on my list but I'd tell you to rent it from RedBox for a $1 in a few months.

So what is the movie about?  These three guys don't like their bosses and for whatever reason instead of even looking for a new job they decide that they'd rather see the bosses dead - thinking that their work life would greatly improve.  So take three guys that know nothing about murder, add three different personalities and then add in some senseless humor and take away common sense.

I was glad to laugh a little and it beat watching a play in the rain...but that is about it.

Beach Bliss

June was an insane month so I needed a break to just relax.  It just so happens that my favorite family always has some people out to their beach house for the 4th of July - and this year was no different.  I came out Saturday and am stayed until Thursday.  I brought out two side salads, two desserts, two different alcoholic beverages and a little fruit.  My pasta salad I went with 'fourth of July' theme and dyed my pasta red & blue and left some regular colored in there. I took a picture of the prep work...but forgot to take it after I mixed it all together.  It looked great, but the blue looked faded & more green than I would have liked...but it came out pretty awesome.

There are two things that I worry about when I am out when I am at this beach.  1) I worry that I might run into SIs sister...crazy I know, but ONE year many years ago she was renting a house just two houses away from where I stay.  I know she has at least one kid now...so the odds of her out here is probably slim...but sometimes I wonder if I ran into her, would she remember me? Are we obligated to say hi? Are we supposed to pretend we didn't see each other? I'd be to worried she would tell me something I didn't want to hear about 2) that SI knows I am come here...and that he will march down the beach with his wife/kid(s) in tow.  Keep rubbing it in.  Thankfully these are stupid worries (I hope) because they probably will never happen.  Anyway, back to me & the beach.

I started wearing my bikinis in 'public' but that isn't 100% true since the beach is private...and not THAT crowded.  The first day was beautiful and I managed to burn my back pretty bad.  I am a huge wearer of sunscreen and a year or two ago I converted to wearing 30 SPF.  I don't want to get all those sun wrinkles and sun spots and I want to look 'young' in my old age.  This is a HUGE change from when I was 18 and put baby oil on or later converted to SPF 2 or 4.  I did put some sunscreen on my back on day #1, but only once hours before I fell asleep on my belly.  Woops.

private beach

my first picture of me in a bikini

my sunburn

Day #2 was rainy and we just hung out inside most of the day.  I spent an hour or two looking for jobs (didn't apply to anything).  In the evening we played a few games then some beer pong and s'mores.

Day #3 was the 4th of July and was as foggy as could be.  We went to the beach for a few hours anyway; I think I got some color through the hazy - but not too much since it was windy and I had my cover up wrapped over me.  We went to the Beach Hut for dinner and saw an amazing sunset (I had my camera settings incorrect, so you can't see how amazing and red/orange it really was) then to town for the fireworks...they did a really nice job.  When I got back, I hung out with the married folks who were already drunk and laughed at them, I mean - with them - for about 3 hours.

Day #4 was picture perfect.  No clouds, blue skies, warm with a northern breeze.  Aahhhhh.  We hung out on the deck all day and my tan continues to darken.  We went to the Beach Hut again for some live music.  Another beautiful sunset.

Day #5 was supposed to be as perfect as #4 but it wasn't.  It was foggy and hazy.  I layed out on the deck for a while.   In in the evening we played a few more games & drank.

Day #6 was gorgeous.  I hung out on the deck and down by the bay with the kids that were there.  The kids were great...however their dad I had a slight issue with...but that is a different story.  We went to the beach hut for lunch then I took off around 3:15pm and hit some traffic getting home...but the 2 1/2 hour ride was well worth the relaxation I now feel.

I gained 3 pounds being away for 6 days :( so I will be trying my diet again.  I am still not working until next Tuesday :) and have something planned for tonight and tomorrow.

I'm still here...sort of

So, I wrote a post about my last few days but realized that I didn't have my camera wire to include pictures, so that post needs to be delayed until at least Wednesday or Thursday night.

I am still at the beach and enjoying every second of it.  Seriously, this is the life.  My fh and I will need to be financially secure enough so I can have a beach house.  Is there anything better than walking to a beach, having a deck overlooking water and amazing sunsets, showering outside?  I am so relaxed - have I really only been gone for 4 days?

I don't really have very much to share since things out here are calm. 

Carnival Etiquette

I volunteer some of my time for a local fire department when they put on their annual carnival.  I talked a little about this last year.  I only worked 3 out of the 6 days this year since I had other plans, but I would like to share with you some etiquette for buying tickets at a carnival:

• Read the posted signs...they have great information on pricing
• If you are buying tickets for a large party...not everyone needs to wait in line
• When you get your tickets/wristband move to the side to put the bands on or distribute the tickets...staying in front of the window holds up the line
• Bring cash...most carnivals do not take credit cards
• Do not use profanity - it is a family place
• Don't assume the people working in the ticket booth know anything about the rides...the carnival companies do the rides, the fire department does the tickets
• Don't ask the ticket person if your kid can go on a ride...we have height requirements for rides, but that doesn't mean your kid likes those kinds of rides
• Don't complain about the price.  Sure it can get expensive...but YOU chose to go, we aren't forcing you to buy tickets
• Don't buy a bunch of tickets then complain you don't like any of the rides...you should have walked around first to check it out or bought less tickets
• 'No Refunds' means just that...you can try to convenience me all you want...but I am stubborn too, and a rule is a rule
• If I give you a coupon to save you money...say thank you
• Have your cash mostly ready...you are impatient in line, so realize that you hold up the line when we are waiting for you to find your wallet or pay with pennies
• Our goal is to keep the line moving...so have a general idea of what you want when you get to the window, we will answer a few questions, but if it takes you more than 2 minutes to decide at the window, don't be upset when we want to help the person behind you that knows what he wants and has is money out

I Never...

You know the game I Never?  It goes something like this.  One person starts and makes a comment that starts with "I never" - let's say 'I never kissed a girl' then anyone who did kiss a girl, would take a sip of a drink.  As the night goes on, you find out some pretty shocking stuff about your friends.  Anyway, this post is not about that game, per sae. 

Last Thursday my co-worker and I met up with these two guys we met when we were in Anaheim at the beginning of June (They were here for a work meeting).  We started off at a rooftop bar, I'VE NEVER been to a rooftop bar in Manhattan, and had a drink there where we started catching up on the last three weeks. 

From there we went to uptown to their hotel and had a drink at their hotel bar.  Our new friends ordered 4 Jägermeister shots for us, but once I saw the color I told the bartender to not fill my glass up.  New friends wanted me to at least try it since I'VE NEVER tasted Jägermeister.  It was gross. That one little drop that landed on my tongue was ugh & I kept making this really funny faces.  The bartender then suggested that I have a raspberry vodka...I figured I liked raspberry so why not?  I've only done 3 shots of vodka straight in my life...and they were all at a vodka distillery on Long Island on the same day.  This raspberry vodka was disgusting too - I had about 2/3 of the shot and gave the rest to one of the guys.  The brand was Stoli and my friends thought it was funny that I NEVER heard of that brand before.

We were hungry so we headed over to 2nd Ave and found a place to eat, essentially the first Italian place we walked past.  At dinner it was brought to my attention all the other things I'VE NEVER done:

• I never smoked (anything) or did any drugs
• I never saw or had an anchovy
• I never sang karaoke or been to a karaoke bar
• I didn't know what Patron is (actually I don't even remember what they said)
• Until I hung out with them in Anaheim, I never shotgunned a beer
• I never tried a regular martini
• I never heard of this musician they were talking about that is well known...and I still don't remember who it was
• I never put a condom on a guy
• I haven't been to Europe yet (they all have been)
• I never went on 'spring break'
• not quite an I never...but I don't know a lot about liquor or mixed drinks
• I never had a true one night stand

I don't remember the rest of the stuff, but the night was filled with it.  At some point one of the guys asked me if I was Mormon because he never met anyone so naive and sheltered before.  I mean, I think as an adult I turned out OK.  I was a happy child and adolescent, half of my 20s were decent...sure I haven't had a lot of experiences but I think that is OK.  I have more memories to make with someone new.  I get to enjoy my life more spread out.

I stayed at my co-worker's apartment and I did a walk, similar to the walk of shame, back into work wearing the same clothes as I had on the day before.

Me-Ouch

When I was in NYC a few weekends ago, I quickly glanced over to look at the newspaper headlines on the stand but kept walking.  Mid-block, I am starting to actually think about what I read...was it true?  I couldn't wait to get to the next set of boxes to look again.

I wasn't crazy, the New York Post did in fact read "Cat survives 12-story plunge". 

Seriously?  This made the FRONT PAGE of a newspaper?  I understand that we might not have these fabulous newsworthy things happen all the time, but surely there are better things for a front page article?

How does a story like this even make it into the news?   Would YOU ever call the press when something so mundane happens?  Who cares?  This isn't even the first cat falling incident, after all the whole 9 lives thing had to come from somewhere.  In 2006 a cat fell 10-stories, in 2008 a cat in Toronto fell 17-stories and in 2009 a cat fell 26-stories.  I am sure there are even more articles, but I really have no desire to keep googling that.

What kind of people are those that report such instances?  When I find a mouse in my apartment should I call the news saying 'a mouse invaded my apartment, but he seems respectful and only poops in two spots'.  Or maybe the press will find it interesting that as a single women I tried to fix my refrigerator's water line and microwave but was unsuccessful so I have been with out ice for 6 months and without a microwave for 18 months.  Can you believe I have adapted to THOSE kinds of changes?  Should I start telling people how to live with out relying on a microwave? Maybe I can write a whole book!  (hopefully you realize I am being very sarcastic)

Sure, for all you cat lovers, maybe this story is great, it even included a nice size picture of the cat with the IV...but even you have to admit that it is not front page worthy, maybe buried on page 20 somewhere.

You are never to old to dress up

I was chatting with a friend recently about having sex dreams about someone other than your man.  I think this is a fairly normal event for most people.  Anyway, I suggested to her that maybe she needs to spice things up a little bit and that I would send her a wig.   Perhaps I should have added a few more words to my conversation because then she thought that I have a lot of props for the sole purpose of role playing.  This is not true at all. 

I actually own two wigs, one blond and the other a light red whose original purpose was for me to dress up as a flapper for an anniversary party in 2006.  I used the wig one other time on New Year's 2009 when I attended a Murder Mystery Dinner Party as a flight attendant.  I like to get into characters and put a lot of effort into looking somewhat realistic or over the top funny.  While I am at it, I should admit that I did own two pairs of handcuff too...but I bought them when I visited Alcatraz back in like 1998.  I did use them a few times but honestly metal handcuffs are not ideal and I didn't like being bound.  I don't have them anymore.  Would I be opposed to a little role playing?  Not at all for a little foreplay.  I think it is fun to change things up once in a while but once the clothes come off...I go back to me.

Let's talk about costumes now.  Apparently I have issues buying costumes.  I think it is that most don't fit me right...and why waste $50 or more on something that does not look good?  I'd rather spend time making something.  Who cares if it is ridiculous? The whole point of a homemade costume is to look cute and not like everyone else. Other costume's I've donned recently:

Skunk - (2010) A homemade costume made with poster board and 3 bags of cotton balls.  A little baby powder in the hair and some black make up on my face (it was off by this picture).

Flight Attendant - (2009) Homemade. I wore a suit,  heels, a hat, scarf and the wig.

White Lies - (2008) Completely homemade. I safety pined about 50 'white lies' to a black fleece pull over and black pants.  Thank goodness a friend helped me the night before come up with lies and attach them all.

Chinese Royalty - (2005) They gave me the clothes to wear, but it was still fun to dress up. 

Nerd - (2004) Homemade once again. Black pants, white shirt, stirrups. I did buy a pocket protector I think...or was it made? I don't remember. The black glasses I think were the free kinds from weddings with the lens popped out.

You know when you are in LA when...

Recently when I was in California, my co-worker and friend were discussing how different the area was. You know when you are in LA when...

• You eat half of your entree and the waiter tells says "impressive, you did a good job"
• Someone says "you are eating a bagel?  You must not be from California"
• It is dirty & grimy
• It takes you 2 hours to go 10 miles
• Even though LA is a city, it isn't a walking city and there isn't very much to see outside of the few tourist things
• So many men have long hair, at first glance you mistake one for a woman
• People tell you that you tawk funny

Error 421: Could not send message

I am finally getting around to moving in/organizing my new office space.  When going through a pile of papers, I found an envelope addressed to SI's parents with a letter dated February 10, 2007.  I remember writing this letter, as I re-read it I noticed it was very well written for that topic, but of course I didn't send it.  The envelope had a 39 cent stamp on it, then a 2 cent stamp -- so I was thinking of sending it a bit after I wrote it.

People say that you should write down your feelings but before doing anything with it, put it on hold.  This way before you send it you can make sure that is really what you want to say, check the tone of the communication, or even if you think the other people need to know.  Better to be safe than to regret a hasty decision.

So, do I regret not sending this one and a half page letter?  Maybe a little.  I think what I wrote about was important at the time but I was so scared that if I sent it...it would have been THE end of SI and me.  Instead, I didn't send it and we ended up talking for another three years on and off.  Bad choice.  So if I sent it...it would have been THE END and I wouldn't have endured further confusion or heartbreak.  But all I wanted was to be with him so I couldn't take that chance.  Of course I can't go back in time and mail it and there is no way I would send it now...although I do think that some of what I wrote would surprise them still...but whatever, it is water under the bridge.  SI's life is his and his dishonesty is something that he chooses to reveal or hide.

I was happy that I was able to read the letter with out shedding a tear.  All that mess finally feels like another lifetime.  As I read "Looking back, I don't even know when I had to invent happiness with him over all the frustration I was feeling when he was never around.  I let myself believe we were happy when we really weren't"  I was proud of myself for even realizing that.  Is there a worse feeling that being home alone wondering where you beau is all the time? Not having someone there when you need them?  Waiting and waiting for them to show up or call when they said they would just to be let down?  I was in such denial that it didn't occur to me I wasn't happy.  In that moment when you are hurt so bad, those words you say are generally full of truth - so I am not sure why I then chose to ignore it.

The best part of the letter?  "As much as I don't want to see him with the girl he cheated on me with, they might deserve each other.  After all, I went on to get my MBA to be something more for us and tried to be a good homemaker, and he decided he would rather be with a part time bartender, ex-stripper."  Ouch, but the sad truth.  Granted she probably made a lot more money than I did.  But still. I have huge breasts and when I was skinny...I could have went down that route, but for the most part, in these areas...I think women that get into that profession have extremely low self esteem.  It is my own personal belief and opinion that flaunting your body to get attention will not get you too far in the long run. I wanted someone to appreciate me for more than just my body or face...I wanted to impress someone with knowledge, conversation, household skills (cooking/laundry/etc), and a little charm.  Now, if I lived in Vegas in my 20s let's say...I would have been OK with a part time job one or two nights a week as a cocktail waitress or something (I'd have a real job too)...but not one of those cage dancers; I can't even imagine.

The saddest part of the letter?  "but at least now I know he isn't the one for me.  I learned 6 months too late.  I could have been healed by now, instead I am just starting the process."  Oh poor Denise...thinking 6 months is enough time to heal oneself after a terrible breakup.  I was so naive; it took me a little longer than 6 months...but then again, my circumstances were different than most. 

I am happy to report that while I might mention SI on occasion please note that I am not in love with him anymore and I am over it.  Sure I think about it...it was huge thing for me to go through but it also my reality and has made me part of who I am.  I am looking forward to meeting my husband soon and I know I am ready for that.  Not everyone needs rebound relationships or flings; I am not that type of girl.  So just because I haven't dated anyone since then...does not mean I am hung up on him, it just means I know what I want.  The few guys I have talked to... I knew there wasn't a future, and was either able to keep it super casual or not even bother.

Happy 300th post to me :)

Welcome back Aunt Flo

Can we talk about periods? I am sure it might seem a little strange having a 31 year old discuss this, but it has been on my mind.

I don't remember when I first got my period, maybe 14?  Anyway, it is one of those things that you start dealing with at a fairly early age.  About a year into my period, I started getting it every other week for about three years.  A way to know if a classmate started her period was to see if she went to the restroom with a purse, something that girls started to bring to school to carry their supplies in.  Of course when it was still 'new' I had a lot of accidents...you know when the pad or tampon fills up too fast and you start leaking.  That is probably why I started wearing my father's flannel shirts, so I could wrap it around my waist when need be.  Sometimes I would wish that instead of having it for 3-7 days, that you just spent one day sitting on the toilet emptying all that out.  As soon as I went on birth control my period regulated back to once a month.  I remember in college I was a runner-up queen to using coupons, and I stock piled OBs.  Then a funny thing happened, my period rarely came.  I might have went through three boxes of tampons in the last eight years.  My period for the most part, when I would get it was very light - so light that I would just wear a liner for two days. 

Then a funny thing happened.  A coincidence no doubt, but I had my tea leaves read and she told me I was very fertile.  I laughed.  I mean, how can someone who gets such a light period three times a year or less be very fertile?  Anyway, can I tell you that for the last three months I have had a crazy heavy period?  It is disgusting.  I feel like I am 14 and trying to figure all this out again.  I left my apartment today with out grabbing tampons to get me through the day so I had to turn around to go back to get them.  I actually had to buy a few more boxes, and wow, the price practically doubled in the last 10 years.  The whole thing is just so messy and gross.  I don't like that last month I had such a bad craving for chocolate that I had to stop at a store on my way to work to pick up peanut chews and a root beer for breakfast.  This month I am craving salty things...and ate almost a half a bag of chips and salsa for my morning snack yesterday.  The cramping is less than I remember  - thank goodness...but my mood has fluctuated a little bit.  Another down side is that I now have to plan around my period; not that I get laid that often, but I haven't been able to accommodate someone...which is probably a good thing.

I wonder why now?  What has changed in my everyday life that my body has changed?  I know stress is a huge factor to consider...but I don't really think I was all that stressed (well aside from 12 months a few years back).  Not having my period regularly goes back to the SI days - could it be that he caused my emotional body so much stress that my body knew it didn't want to bear his child? And even if so...why almost five years later has it returned?  Is it because I am finally ready to meet my husband?  Is my body ready to have a baby?

Review: B&N Nook

I bought a refurbished Nook about three months ago, but I didn't use it until the beginning of June when there was no way I would have been able to pack 2 or 3 books for my 11 day trip.  I quickly figured out how to buy a book on the nook from the Barnes & Noble website.  Opening a book was easy, as was changing the font, book marking, all of that.

Unfortunately, I am not rich, so I needed to also take advantage of my library's e-book collection where you can borrow a book for 7 or 14 days.  I used OverDrive and took their tutorial, which seemed straightforward. I was quickly able to browse, download the adobe software, and rent a book using my library card.  My problem was to figure out how to sync the nook.  I tried a few different things, but I couldn't find the file on my nook, even though I knew it was there somewhere.  My co-worker was the one who solved my problem the day before my trip...talk about cutting it close.  If you download a book that is not from Barnes & Noble, it is kept in the "My Documents" folder, not in "My B&N Library".  Which totally makes sense, but I didn't realize that there was a my documents folder.  Anyway, hopefully that will help all of  you.

I was excited to finally try my nook.  Unfortunately on the plane, you can not use it for the first and last twenty minutes for take off and landing.  When I was able to power up, I liked that my 'book' was light and easy to hold.  I bought a cover that folded over easily.  At first I didn't think I would use the buttons on the left side - since I am a righty....but I realized depending on how I was sitting it was just as easy to flip the page with my left hand.   I also was initially distracted by the flashing screen when the page turned. It would 'blink' black before the background turned white...but after a while you get used to that too and it wasn't much of a distraction.

Having borrowed books, I was confused by the page numbering system since it seemed like the page numbers changed every 2-3 pages, but I think that is just because the file was to be read on a computer, so with the smaller screen, it didn't adjust the page number based on the screen size.  Even though that was odd, it didn't throw me off too much, they have a line at the bottom with your reading progress and does it really matter what page you are on?  I haven't read a B&N book yet, but I am sure that the page number issue will not be there.

The hardest thing was at times when I was getting tired of reading, I would have liked to know when the chapter ended.  I like to finish a chapter when I can instead just randomly on any page.  I could have pushed the button a few times to see what was ahead, but I didn't, something like that is just easier with a real book.  My friend has the Kindle and she said that the bottom bar did mark chapters...the Nook might too on a B&N bought book, but again, since I haven't opened one of those yet...I am not sure. I didn't have that on the last two books I read on the Nook. 

I finished my book and I had another loaded...so I was able to jump right into another one without having to find it or if I realized one book was too boring to read, there were other options.  Very convenient.

My Nook also has 3G wireless.  I didn't really think I would use that for anything other than buying books, but I was wrong.  While I travelled, and I had Internet access in my hotel room, I was able to log into my FaceBook account, my email, or to read other websites.  Sure, surfing the web is not ideal on a small device and at times I found that the keyboard was difficult to use when buttons I pushed didn't get recognized or the space button didn't leave a space, but I am sure it just takes time to get used to using a flat touchscreen.  I loved that it allowed me to connect to the world in small doses.

Overall I actually like the Nook a lot more than I thought I would.  I love that it is small and light...taking up less room in my bag.  I love that the cover I selected has a pocket.  For my book club, the book selected is not available on OverDrive..and I am not about to spend $15 on a book I might not enjoy...so borrowing from the library is still an option, but if I can do 80% of my reading on the Nook, then I would be very happy. 

Review: Catch Me A Match

I saw a "Westchester Deal of the Day" for Catch Me A Match in February 2011. I knew I wanted to try to find a man a different way since I don't do the whole bar thing and the online dating thing...I am really glad it seems to work for so many other people, but I gave up. So, I checked out their website a few times...but it was so unprofessional looking that I really hesitated thinking - what kind of person would chose them with a site like this? But then I thought, well, I might and I hope someone else in the Westchester area will too, since it is convenient. A few weeks later I met with both of the ladies for all of 20 minutes. I basically reiterated what I said in my online 'application' thing. I did ask them about my age range (30s) and they admitted that most of their clients were in their 40s so I asked how will they find me a match meeting my criteria. They reassured me they went out to meet people and said in most times people get more than 1 date a month. So, I did it, I figured $340 might not be that bad if it worked...and unfortunately I don't have enough money for the NYC ones that are probably way better and I am not thin enough for the trophy wife match makers.

My first date was with someone not only out of my age range (but I thought what is an age? Low 40s could work) but also in a ethnicity that I didn't want. Now I don't want to seem like I have major issues with those things...I could be flexible, but 1) they clearly didn't listen to anything I said and 2) if you are going to break one of my three criteria...do one at a time, not two or three. The guy was nice..but nothing more.  He said he told them that their website was unprofessional as well.

The matchmakers sent me a picture of another guy. Total old dweeb - I thought SERIOUSLY...that guy? Why on Earth would they select him for me?  I refused the date and sent them a file with pictures of people I am attracted to - that I either dated in the past or hooked up with or someone I currently find attractive; there were definitely enough pictures on there to get an idea of the broad range of looks I am comfortable with. 

A month later I get an email the matchmakers met a perfect guy for me. They listed 3 things about him they thought I would like (blue eyes, outgoing, does yoga --& mind you the yoga & eye thing makes no difference to me whatsoever). Again, my match was in his 40s but I accepted the date with out seeing a picture.  He didn't look anything like the pictures I sent them, but he wasn't as unattractive as the #2, but he was retired.  On our date I asked him how he was involved in Catch Me A Match he said that he met them at a Westchester Singles event and they spoke to him all of FIVE minutes. He has negative things to say about Catch Me A Match too, and he isn't even a client. I took some time to decide what I would write on my review - and apparently I took too long because I get an email from them less than 48 hours after the date for my followup.  I fill it out and then they claimed they didn't get it so I had to do it all over again.  In the mean time, my date was nice enough to call me and we made plans without the intervention of the matchmakers.  I went on the second date with this man then the match makers told me he though I was nice and I should try a second date.  At that second date, I realized that drinking those beers/margaritas were helpful on date #1.  This guy just told the same stories over & over again.  I really hate that.  Then looking more closely, he was overweight and not all that attractive.  But aside from just the looks, I knew nothing would transpire based on his personality.  He doesn't have qualities that in the long term would benefit a healthy relationship for me. 

After the first date from date #3, I asked one of the matchmakers if they only met people at the Westchester Singles Events...and that I had hoped they would meet my match at a non-event - like a bar, grocery store, dry cleaner, park. Who knows. They claimed they went other places, but I do think they are all places where it reeks of desperation. I don't think I am there yet!

I don't think I am ugly and I will not 'settle' for someone just because we happen to be two single people in the same county. I was not planning on renewing my contract with them since I feel they have did a crappy job. I wish they were honest about either me being a hard match or not having people I wanted to meet. I mean, how hard could it be to set up a decent looking, nice 31 year old? I thought if I was flexible with them the first time with age/race, that they would do better the second or third time...but nope.  Maybe I should have asked what their husbands looked like so I can get a sense of what they like.

Then in May the matchmakers emailed me to refund me $100 for my last month since they found it 'too difficult to find a single man in his 30s'.  I wish they were honest upfront with how they met people and that they didn't want to really actually look for someone that met what I wanted and instead tried to set me up with people I didn't really want to meet based on my three major criteria points.  I was happy they admitted defeat, but they still took my $240 for two dates that I did more for practice than with hopes of finding a boyfriend.  Since they contacted me regarding the refund, I thought it would arrive soon thereafter.  I sent them two follow-up emails asking about it and never received a response.  It took a full month before my partial refund to be delivered to me, in an unmarked envelope. 

The few blog posts I wrote about Catch Me A Match lead to a few emails of other clients of theirs with very similar stories.  They all agreed that the initial 'interview' went well and they seemed like they knew what they were doing but then the matches were not what people wanted.  The matchmakers contacted them stating they couldn't find them matches...and that is from both sexes and in different age ranges than me!

My advice...if Catch Me A Match is still in business...don't bother signing up for their services.  Join the Westchester Singles Meet Up and you will meet the same type of people instead of wasting your money on their monthly services.

Here are my previous posts about my match making experience:
Catch me a match!
Date #1
The Chase
Date #2

a lazy annoying man

Another work rant.

I have this one male client who has probably had his secretary call me ten times in the last two months for my email address.  First of all, it is listed on the 'board list' that is emailed & handed out twice a year, it is on the website, it is in the newsletters, and we have been emailing for about three years...so it should already be in his contacts in his email.  Additionally, I email him regularly, and did so just the day before.  Why can't he just hit reply?  Shit like that just annoys me.

Sidenote:
My 'new' office is coming along.  It is a little smaller than my other one, but I am making it work.  I moved in yesterday and still have a bunch of unpacking/reorganizing to do on top of a major mailing that had to go out today.  I've been really busy at work & after work...no free time this week...so the postings might be a little slower.

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike

I don't generally exercise, but when I travel with my co-worker, she likes to use the hotel gym (among our sightseeing walks around the cities that can last hours).  Both in Chicago and in Anaheim I accompanied her to the gym and spent time on the elliptical or the bike. I love the bike, the one with the bucket type seat.  I would put it on random and set the level to like 8 or 9 and ride for approx 45 minutes. I would sweat and was exhausted, but it felt great.  I wondered why I didn't ride my own bike.

I bought my bike about 9 years ago or so and only used it a handful of times...so few times that my tires still have the threads on them.  I bought the bike because about 9 years ago I participated in a Bike Vermont tour; they said mountain bike tires were not idea for road biking - as you have to exert more energy.  Then two years ago I decide to bike in my apartment so I bought a trainer to convert my bike into a stationary bike.  Unfortunately with the big mountain bike wheels this was really noisy and difficult, so I bought a whole new back wheel using a street tire, and it worked great the three weeks I used it.  My bike then sat in the apartment for a year then I  moved it to the garage for a year where it was until this past weekend when I decided to bike the Bronx River Parkway.  On Friday I decided to get a front matching street tire...holy toledo that wheel was $87.50.  I didn't know it would be that much.  I found a neighbor to do the ride with me.  To prepare all I did was attempted to change my wheels - and realized I was not strong enough to take the brake off my back wheel then I attempted to put my bike rack on the car - and had a hard time with that too.  Thank goodness my neighbors helped with the rack- but I kept the mountain tires on. 

Anyway - we parked in North White Plains, so that added two - three extra miles to the 13.1 miles round trip from the County Center in White Plains to Yonkers.  I thought with all the stationary biking I did last weekend I would have been warmed up...yeah, not so much.  The small hills I found a little difficult at times. I only brought one water bottle with me (since my bike only has one bottle holder and I didn't bring a bag) and I tried to conserve my water - which was hard since it was also a bit warm and sunny.  I initially was thinking I wouldn't do the whole thing...but the southern part was very flat and easy and we didn't even realize we hit the end so quickly.  When we got to the end - it was good timing since my butt was so sore.  We took a little break and got ice cream from the truck and then headed back north.  We were out for about an hour and fourty-five minutes...but that did include a good 15 minute break and a few small breaks....and my out of shape body that at times I was only peddling about 8mph.  Clearly this is way longer than the stationary bike when I can bike the same distance in 45 minutes or less.  When I do this again...I will be sure to bring more water with me and have someone change out my back tire.

I really enjoyed this type of outing...and want to note that my future husband will need to be a LITTLE adventurous/outdoorsy/like to do these things with me.  Oh and be strong enough to fix my bike and put on the rack.

Pompeii the Exhibit

Saturday was the first time I went into New York City on a weekend in probably three years.  Holy Chaos.  Grand Central Terminal was packed...all three bathroom lines were so long as was the ticket lines.  Trying to cross the area with all those people took a while; a huge change from my morning commute.  As much as my commute aggravates me, I think I have a new appreciation that it isn't really that bad since most of my fellow travellers know where they are going, they might just be sleepy. 

I went to the Pompeii exhibit at the Discovery Center on 44th street.  Adult tickets were about $25. No pictures were permitted (even non-flash) and They offered an audio tour as well, if you were interested in that.  First we watched a video of a brief history of Pompeii, when this concluded we entered the first room with artifacts from pre-Vesuvius eruption.  Quite amazing and impressive artwork for before 79AD.  Additionally their everyday life seemed so structured and less simple than I would have imagined for that time.  After you look at everything in this section, you are permitted into the second movie.  This movie is a still-clip of what the eruption was like over the 12+ hours and the destruction.  The movie was brought goosebumps to my arms.  When the movie ended we entered the next room where cast replicas of humans were displayed.   This room then led to another room of other artifacts.  It didn't take so long to go through, we did it in about one hour, but in the last room I really just focused on reading the walls and not really reading about the artifacts...some were simple 'table', 'dish' etc.

After the exhibit we went down to Madison Square and ate at Eataly and ate in the Seafood section. I was not impressed at their limited menu, and neither were my four other people, I think we all liked the bottle of white wine the best!  One lady bought some foccacia bread which was out of this world from a stand.  After lunch we picked up some gellato from another section, I got the pistachio and vanilla...yummy; we ate it outside in the park.

An exhausting day but I had a really good time. I am happy I was able to learn more about Pompeii, I would love to go there at some point in the future when my travels brings me to Italy.

to sleep or not to sleep...

This week I feel like I have narcolepsy.  On Sunday/Monday I readjusted to the time change  - and felt great on Monday.  However every day this week in the morning and the afternoon on my commute I would fall asleep, only reading a page or less; very atypical of me.  At work I was barely able to keep my eyes open at times.  In the evening I would go to bed at a reasonable hour, but I was having really bad dreams this week and was constantly wakening.

I mentioned this to my family and co-worker and they too have been feeling extremely tired this week.  I wonder if it has something to do with the full moon?  

Metallica's "Enter Sandman" is exactly how I feel: (taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/metallica/entersandman.html)

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

Something's wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of snow white

Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon's fire
And of things that will bite

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land