Etiquette for terminal illness

I need to check to see if Emily Post has any etiquette recommendations for the terminal illness of a co-worker in the work place. 

About two years ago we found out that my co-worker was diagnosed with cancer - I believe it was appendix cancer, very rare - and it took the doctors almost a year to diagnose her after she started to feel different, knowing something was wrong with her.  After she finally started treatments, she was doing really well.  My sister & I sent her and her family cookies to help 'cheer' them up.  Then unfortunately about 18 months ago a different co-worker, Kecia, unexpectedly passed away from a blood clot from a very basic surgery.  My co-worker with cancer seemed to be doing better and said that Kecia was looking down from above and healed her.  About a year came and went and then the cancer was back. 

She started treatments again and was still looking more or less like her usual self.  Until one day you can tell she looked weathered.  Her doctors told her there was nothing else they can do.  She kept coming to work to keep some normalcy, and started coming in less often.  During this time everyone was curious and didn't know how to behave around her.  Do you ask 'how are you doing?', 'how are you feeling?', do you just say 'good morning'?  No one wanted to upset her or give her the pity look that we all had.  We quietly talked about what was happening - not just with her and her family, but with work as well.  When someone knew anything about a doctor appointment or her overall health, that spread like wildfire in the office.  Not because we are malicious, but I think because we all felt so bad, she was only 46, happily married with two kids 7 & 9, humble and the nicest person.  None of us knew what to say with out making her feel uncomfortable.

I personally just stuck with the 'good morning' would talk to her about her nice outfit or our hair (she didn't loose it but it was different texture now) when I got mine cut she did soon afterwards - that type of thing.  I'd talk to her about anything BUT her illness.  I still talked with her a little - we never really talked a lot - but I also didn't want to isolate her more than she was already.  I wanted to say something so many times, but I worried I'd tear up or say the wrong thing.

Little by little you can see the deterioration and my heart started to break.  One day a loud mouth co-worker who I can't stand, who loves to talk all day long (and loudly), was in the hallway outside of my co-workers closed doors and said (yelled) how bad my co-worker looked that day.   I mean, really...you know the lady is so sick and she still comes in to act somewhat 'normal' and you can't be a little more subtle?  Sure she didn't look good hunched over the copy machine squinting her face from the excruciating pain that was radiating from somewhere in her abdomen - but you don't say anything out loud!  That was the last day I saw her in the office.  Two weeks or so later we found out she was going to be receiving hospice.

The three people I can't stand in my office decided to send her flowers.  Then the loud mouth put up a big stink - did anyone hear from her because she didn't get a thank you for sending the flowers!  Oh My God...Hello...she is dying, and all you can think about is a thank you?  The rest of the office pooled together money and tried to figure out what to give to someone who is dying.   We finally settled on a gift certificate(s) for a restaurant that the family loved.  She could no longer eat, but we thought it would at least help the family and allow them to spend more time together during the last moments they had left without having to worry about things like cooking.

When our office was being renovated, her office sat there untouched for two weeks.  Who was going to pack it up? What about her personal belongings?  Would there be a miracle this late?  Two days before the moving company had to get everything out I assisted to just put everything in boxes - not cleaning/throwing anything else out.  Someone who knew her better would do that or do that after things were to be unpacked in a few more weeks.

A week or two later I find out that her husband told our president that she took a turn for the worst; he anticipated a few days to two weeks.  Unfortunately the next day we heard that she passed away while resting.  At least she went peacefully.  Everyone always says when you are that ill, that it it good that her illness didn't keep her alive and in pain for months or years.  I can't imagine how hard it is on the family.  All I keep thinking about is the children and growing up with out a mother.

At work we are trying to plan our trip to either the wake or funeral.  Since it is a bit far, we elected to close most of the office on Friday so we can all go together in a bus.  But this creates problems.  When we went to Kecia's wake it was from 7-9 and we were all on the same bus.  Simple.  However, going on Friday we go to the church, the cemetery AND the restaurant after.  The cemetery and after thing made me and a few others uncomfortable because sure, she was a co-worker, but I didn't know her that well, I feel like those things should be for family and good friends and crying in front of co-workers sucks (although all my co-workers have seen me cry a lot 4 3/4 years ago when I cried everyday).  Add to that the trip is about a 75 - 120 minutes each way bus ride with people I can't stand.  So the plans keep changing because everyone wants to go but everyone has different expectations.

The bus ride was as bad as I anticipated.  The two ladies I don't like were talking nonsense half the time.  The loud one thinks she knows everything and was talking about the church air temperatures or the ceremony that will take place...and she was of a different religious denomination...and maybe experienced this a few times...making her no expert.  Things like that just annoy me.  My lazy male co-worker is the most dischevled person I have ever met and he reeks of something...I doubt it is a gross cologne.  The smell alone makes me nauseous.  Add to that I get car sick.

We arrive at our destination.  My company all sits together.  The turnout is great.  The services start and a majority of people start crying.  Plenty of songs are sung.  I look over at her parents and the father keeps convulsing from the heavy sobs...truly heartbreaking and makes me cry even more (although I thought I handled it much better than in the past).  I try not to look, and look straight ahead instead.  I observe once again that at these kinds of services everyone is as silent as could be staring straight ahead...no one wants others to look at them while they cry.  I definitely don't.  I am annoyed that funeral services include the 'peace handshake' with those sitting near you.  Not only do you have to look at all these people with streaks of tears down your face, maybe puffy eyes, but you have to touch their hands that they keep wiping their tears or snot with.  Sure, I used a tissue most of the time...but that was still in my hand.  During the service, my loud co-worker is narrating - she keeps telling us who the speaker is, points over to the family and guesses their relation, she asked someone why there were two candles - I don't know why she can't stop talking it was so inappropriate.  She is like 50 something too...so don't think it is because she is naive.

In the last 5 years, 3 of my co-workers passed away...that seems like a lot considering there is only about 18 of us.

I don't handle funerals well. Crazy since I am still considering pursing a mortuary science degree!
Anyway, has something similar happened in your work place?  What do you think is appropriate when speaking to someone so ill?  What kind of gift can you send to someone that is dying? How do you feel about attending services with your whole organization/department?

Thinking about all those that have left us...all the special people and all those whose services I was a part of.  Remembering all of you is never easy and brings tears to my eyes.