2013 baby names proves disappointing

Have you seen Parenting's top baby names for this year?

Top 10 Searched Baby Girl Names:

1. Isabella 
2. Millie 
3. Sookie 
4. Ann 
5. Ella 
6. Betty 
7. Ellie 
8. Emma 
9. Eithne 
10. Charlotte

Top 10 Searched Baby Boy Names:

1. Jacob 
2. Max 
3. Liam 
4. Ted 
5. Mo 
6. Aiden 
7. Andy 
8. Bertie 
9. Ned 
10. Gus

Is it just me or does this list suck?  Sookie?  Eithne?  Mo? Ned? Where was this poll taken?

Did you notice what else most of these names have in common?  They are short. They are simple. They are mostly nicknames.  Have we, as a society, really taken such a short cut?  I mean, children don't learn or use script (I know this because I proctor exams...and that certification statement that is all of one sentence can take up to 15 minutes for the kids to write!).  We are becoming simple, we are loosing class.  Are we setting our kids up for failure already? Or are the parents just too lazy?

I don't mind the nicknames for the 'old fashioned' names - I love old some 'old fashioned' names...but the full name should be on the list - what is wrong with a full name?  It is like we are rebelling against society...I refuse to have a name the teacher is going to butcher, so I'll pick a simple three letter name, when I have a large family it is easy to sign holiday cards if all the names are short,  or even when I yell for the kid I won't loose my breath with all the syllables.

the straw that almost broke the camel's back

It is no secret that camels can carry a lot of weight, between 500 - 1,000 pounds.  But, like anything, they have a limit...and something so small, so minor can be what finally breaks his back.

Over the last year, I have been piling on some annoyances with ManFriend, but I kept letting it slide.  Relationships and friendships are about compromise, and this was a real test for me.  Although looking back, it wasn't a compromise as much as it was me being manipulated into doing what the other person wanted.

Let's take a look at some of the 'straws'

• me paying for 90% of our dates
• me buying him groceries, beer, and wine when he was out of work 
• me cooking for him and giving him leftovers from parties
• me always going to his place
• me accepting that he only needed to see me 0-2 times per week
• me adjusting to the way he likes sex
• me giving up on actual phone conversations
• me conceding from going out to staying in
• me waiting for an invitation to go over, but not getting one
• me being totally understanding that he was depressed when he lost his job, twice and wanting to make him happy, so I didn't pressure him to want to do something outside of his apartment
• me buying tickets to baseball games for us to do together, but when his friend couldn't make it to a football game, where they have season tickets, he didn't go because "he had no one to go with"
• him not wanting to do 'fun' things...he said no to zip lining  fire walking, hiking, movies, a trip to Iceland, a weekend away, tagging along on some of my work trips (Ashville, NYC, Montreal, Chicago)
• him not doing anything small and little for me.  A thank you card, a flower (not even a bouquet...a simple picked flower from someone's garden would have been ok), a gift, a groupon/coupon to a place I like, etc...would have been very much appreciated
• him not making me breakfast or going out for breakfast after I stay over
• him being old and tired all the time that he can't see me as much as he claims he wants to
• him telling me he loves me and wants to be part of a couple, but not doing anything to actually show/prove that to me (actions vs words)
• not meeting friends or family
• him being two months late on his rent...but just bought a car and is thinking of buying an apartment instead of renting
• me arranging for a free tow and discounted repair of his car...and then he CANCELS it because his friend or family member pulled through. 
• knowing that I make very little money compared to him (when he works).  When I met him, he was making 3 times what I made.  And him living a very frugal life, I am not sure why he didn't have a nicer savings account...or did he but he didn't want to touch it, but he was OK with me spending money on him?  I know it shouldn't be a tit for tat thing, but I am pretty sure he knows I make so little money and struggle financially - and he knows that was why I temporarily gave up my apartment.  But it seemed to become 'normal' or 'expected' of me to do that for him.  Please realize, I wouldn't mind doing it, if I didn't feel so used.   Just appreciate it, tell me that. Is that too much to ask?

and finally, that sports take a huge priority over the person you claim to love.  If I was in a relationship, I would invite my lady over and watch the game(s).  I would not spend the whole night on my couch texting her...making her livid that I am not even out and can't see her.  It's not like I don't get it. Playoffs are important, and I would actually watch the game - not distract him.  But even if I did - for a little while - who cares? It isn't like he is playing, he isn't taking a test on it.  

On top of that, there is the whole - well, if you aren't going to see me then I am going to go out with another man who actually wants to spend time with me.  But he flipped out. I should have went out, I know that.  Because we are clearly in two very different kinds of relationships.  And if this is his version of a relationship....then no wonder why he is still single.  

But, I convinced ManFriend to TALK to me.  About his feelings, about what we are in, about fixing it or ending it, about holding a grudge, and even about disappointments.  We talked surprisingly like adults.  We each took our turn and listened and explained how we felt.  I understand why he has been a complete dick these last three weeks, and while I don't agree, I can at least see his side.  But I have to say, after 50 minutes, I felt a little better.  Still haven't slept well, replaying our conversation in my head and thinking of things I left out...but at least I didn't fall asleep crying.

It seems for now that someone took some straw off me..and the final straw has yet to come...I can keep going just a bit more...and hope things turn around.  If they don't...well, I know when it ends, I did all I could.  And if it does not end soon, well, hopefully I can enjoy it and learn how to love someone else and put my heart out there again.  Whatever happens, I will accept it, learn from it, and make the most out of it.  

stand still

I've been posting a lot so far this month...that can only mean one thing, I have a lot more free time and/or I am sad - not quite a good thing for me.

You know sadness might seep in when one of the kids you babysat got engaged and is buying a house.  One of the other girls is married with two kids.  Friends & family are all moving on with their lives too.  Married, kids, divorced, remarried, new families, you name it - everyone got it.

Why is mine still at a standstill?

It is unbelievably frustrating.

I can only keep hoping that out of the blue something amazing will happen to me. It is the only thing that keeps me going.  But this little engine is running out of steam - I am not as happy as I was a few months ago. I am wasting my days again. I come home from work and do nothing.  The weekends I am spending mostly alone.  I don't know what to do with myself, I am losing motivation to get involved in projects.  Cleaning and chores aren't appealing.  I don't like too much TV, but find I am watching reruns of shows I've seen a few times because there is nothing else.

Sure, I can leave the house...but I don't want to spend money.  I think I might start walking trails again, I enjoyed that.

But that isn't going to be enough.

I guess the most obvious solution is to get rid of what is causing me so much stress right now, and that is ManFriend.  Although, I would think fate would allow my fh to make his appearance even if ManFriend and I were still in this non-relationship.  Second would be to make more money.  Realistically that won't happen til October....and who knows how much that would be at that be - probably not enough.  Third, I guess would be to change my living situation (although I worry about moving & living alone and not knowing anyone in my new town...and being just as depressed there as I am here), fourth would be to loose a little weight and maybe have the motivation to keep it off and not eating so much when I am sad/depressed/confused, and fifth would be to take a vacation.

a try at hunting

Deer season is over, but I still wanted to try hunting.  My cousin, the great sport he is, arranged for me to join him hunting for squirrel, rabbit, or fox.

I left the house while it was still complete darkness at 6:00am.  Upon arrival at my cousin's at 7, it was lighter but very foggy.  He had all his gear packed in his car, and we took a quick 15 minute drive to the woods where he normally goes hunting.  He gave me a camouflage hat, gloves and fleece, and I was wearing jeans and winter boots.  I was told if we were hunting deer - I would be glowing wearing the jeans since they see in the violet end of the spectrum...but thank goodness I have no idea what squirrel sees...and since I walk past so many everyday, I can't imagine my jeans bothered them.

It was a slow and quiet morning.  There was very little movement in the woods.  I was given a brief lesson on the rifle, loading it, and looking through the viewfinder thing.  I also had a quick lesson on tracking, the different kinds of poop we saw, and different noises.

I was excited. I was ready.  We finally saw a squirrel.  I pick up my rifle and looked through the view thing...and lost the squirrel.  Cousin found it a little later, it went up a tree.  He told me to shoot at it, but I was nervous to shoot up into the air, if I missed, by bullet would have went a mile...and who knew where that mile would be...the road? a back yard? so I didn't want to risk it.  Cousin, with a lot more experience and a different kind of gun, got into place, aimed, and the squirrel fell out of the tree.  I was so happy I was jumping up and down and high-fived cousin!

We waited a few minutes before we went over to collect it, to give it a moment to die in peace.

Cousin let me hold the squirrel at times during the rest of our morning.  We were hoping to catch about 10 or so...but as I said, it was a very quiet morning.  I see more squirrels walking to my car in the driveway each morning than I did in the woods.  We saw all of three squirrels, and the others were too far away to shoot.

At the end of the adventure, I was happy I didn't kill anything, because I watched my cousin skin and gut the squirrel.  I had a bit of an anatomy lesson and gained a new respect for hunters.  It has been about 15 years since I dissected anything...and this was a good reminder.

I had a really good time, and I told cousin I would definitely go with him again if he ever wanted company...even if it is just to watch, because next time, if I make a kill...I have to gut it :(

On our way out of the woods, we saw a bald eagle.  all in all, a great experience.

I gave up a date for this?

On Monday I asked ManFriend if we could hang out on Saturday.  A whole 5 days away.   I wanted a date...a little making up and getting back & happy again.

But what I should have realized, is that nothing really goes how we want it to.  I should know this already.  Other people are lucky, they get everything they want.  I want things too, I dream about it, I wish for it, I talk to myself sometimes trying to convince the higher power that I deserve it...but I am still waiting.

On  Thursday that pre-date man texted me a hello and asking if I was around this weekend.  Indeed, I was.  He asked if we could get together.  In the mean time, I asked ManFriend if we were getting together on Saturday...and he said "you do realize it is a football day".  No, actually, I didn't know that. I thought NFL football was Sundays and Mondays...but since they are in the playoffs, Saturday was a big football night.  So, I wrote "OK, that is fine, I just wanted to make sure before I agree to a date".  and then "and you do realize that if you asked me to watch a game, I would. I would eat wings and bar food, drink a lot of beer and even paint my face.  I want to make sure I understand.  Midweek you are tired and weekends are naps and football, so that leaves never to hang out?".   He then texted "who said I am not going to (ask me to the bar).  You jump to conclusions and made other 'date' plans".

After an hour of the predate man asking about getting together, I wrote back "sure". I mean, I was upset.  And I know all of you are wondering why I even try.

But I couldn't go through with it. I ended up telling the predate man that I couldn't commit to a day/time. I am not ready. I still like ManFriend.

On Friday predate man messaged me again, as did ManFriend.  ManFriend seemed flirty, but he still didn't say anything about Saturday.

So, here Saturday is.  it is still early, but I know that ManFriend won't text me regarding later (we spoke earlier about nonsense) unless I message him.  And since I blew off predate man, I am home alone on a Saturday.

And I wonder why I get into these depression moods.

Why do I always fall for men that are selfish and do whatever the hell they want...tease me, play with my feelings, pretend they care about me when they clearly don't.  I got enough of that shit from SI...I don't need it from ManFriend too.

update. ManFriend and I texted for hours.  And even though he was home, he did not ask me to go over. Even with me throwing myself at him.  Predate man asked if I was going out, but I told him I shouldn't.  He ended up asking if it was him, but I reassured him it was not, but simply that I was not sure if I was in a relationship or not, as insane as that sounds.  So, off to bed at 10pm. Lucky me.

Jumping to conclusions

Do I jump to conclusions?  Yes, of course I do.  Doesn't everyone?

I am a very logical person...I go through what people tell me, I read between the lines since that part is usually left out.  It is like getting the beginning and the end, but no middle...and it is my job to figure out the middle.

I like to think this isn't too hard for me.  Sure, sometimes there are many challenging middles, but after spending so much time thinking about it and over analyzing and coming up with different scenarios, I usually like to pick the worst one and go with it. It makes things more interesting- and who doesn't love interesting?

The real question isn't if my worst-case scenarios are wrong...but WHY I have to jump to conclusions anyway.  Is it really so hard to give the FULL story?

Here are some examples, let's see if you jump to the same conclusions I did

• 2 wine glasses in a sink
• not committing to an encounter 5 hours later
• trying new restaurants
• wanting to commit, but not having time mid week and sports are on all weekend

My past has given me a lot of reasons to see the worst in people.  I see warning signs others might overlook.  I was stupid and naive once before, I don't want to be stupid and naive again.  This is proving to be one of my biggest faults and it is causing more drama in my non-relationship than I want. 

Jumping to conclusions is exhausting.  There are reasons people don't tell you the full story.  And the other person might get mad and defensive...but I have to wonder, am I really wrong? doubtful.  

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

If you want to know why I get annoyed sometimes at my mother....it is because she was just like Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

Maggie, who was played by Scarlett Johansson, practically gave a 60 minute monologue in the first act of the play.  It wasn't really a monologue since her husband spoke a few words...but it was close.  That is how much I think my mother talks.  I am not like that, at all.

So as I am getting so annoyed with the play because there is only so much tolerance I can handle when it comes to talking and whining  the curtain comes down and I think, oh wow, this is going to be a short play. Alas, I was wrong.  It was three acts with two intermissions - one of the longest plays I've ever seen...and it felt every second of it.

The second act I practically fell asleep because this was my view

yes, that is right....the 6 1/2 foot guy sat in front of me.   Now, I can't complain because my brother-in-law is super tall...and I know he feels bad about this sometimes...but this guy and his cross dressed boyfriend also had a strong stench of cologne.  I tilted my  head for a while, but you know how that is...it starts to hurt and get stiff.  Closing my eyes seemed the better choice, it wasn't like I was missing any fun stage action - they just walked around a bed for 2 1/2 hours.

So, I closed my eyes and listened....or fell asleep.

Scarlett was good, but what a super slow play.  The set didn't change.  There was so much 'arguing'.  It just wasn't for me.

The best thing about it was that I sat next to Jason Antoon, who I recognized right away.  But was surprised he was sitting so far away from the stage.

Dinner at Bond45 before the show was good.  They have a fabulous mozzarella.

after the #4breakup

I am sure all you ManFriend followers are curious what happened after Breakup#4.

Things were still weird between us...and texting and emails are already not a good thing for us because we take everything the wrong way.  We chatted on the phone briefly Sunday morning and made tentative plans for later that night, but not before he got annoyed and I shed a few tears.

When I arrived at his place, I tried to pretend everything was still great.  A big hello.  Then we started making out on the couch like teenagers...my favorite thing to do with him.  Although he insisted on some sort of role playing - which I think was his way of not getting all mushy on me, or to pretend I was someone else.  After we copulated, I didn't run out like I usually do, but we sat super close on the couch and watched a TV show.  I didn't want to leave, but I was exhausted, and I knew ManFriend reached his limit with my company.

So, I guess we are back where we were before the big 'I love you'.   Casual Sex but with feelings?  And some flitrty texts.

a unexpected pre-date?

Last week with ManFriend was very stressful.  I wasn't sleeping and opportunities kept coming up that encouraged me to over drink.

On Saturday I messaged one of the local people I knew if he & his people were out because I needed more alcohol and needed to smile and laugh and forget about the stress ManFriend was causing me.  I don't have friends, and well, I didn't want to be alone at a bar.  I had that family holiday party and was exhausted, but I decided to go out at 11 since it was around the corner.

I get there and really it is just me and that guy talking...he told me a few times that he found me attractive and wanted to take me out to dinner, or accompany me on a hike or a few other options.  I found myself smiling and laughing - at times it was genuine and other times it was slightly uncomfortable.  I started to wonder if I was on a pre-date.

I was not prepared for a pre-date. I mean, all I think about is ManFriend.  I am completely attracted to him and I love being with him physically....but it isn't enough.  This other gentleman was offering the other stuff I am lacking and it started to sound appealing.

As I started my second drink, I was considering my options...I mean, I don't think I am part of a couple anymore, so I am free to date.  And sure, I know I am ready...but I am still hesitant to do anything with this particular gentleman.

But I also feel a little guilty.  Did I accidentally lead him on?

Towards the end of the night he asked me when I was going to call him - and I said I had a few things I needed to sort out so definitely not before next week.  It wasn't really a real answer, but it bought me time.

Resolution Roulette

This year for a family holiday party with my favorite family ever, I decided we were going to try a resolution roulette.

Essentially everyone wrote challenges down on paper - nothing too hard, we wanted this to be fun.  People started to bitch about having to do something they didn't want or worry they were going to get something horrible, or not think of a challenge to put in the box (good thing I wrote down 12!)  We folded up the papers, threw them in a box, and  a few hours later when we served dessert we started picking out of the box.  Adults selected one, the kids selected one, then the adults picked a second one.

Here are the items that were listed:

• Take something negative out of your life.
•  Do 35 push-ups
• Watch 5 AFI movies that you have not yet seen.  Let us know what you watched and if you think it deserves to be on the best 100 list. (Denise will send list)
• Clean someone else’s car 2 times this year
•  Do the Macarena in public & post video to Facebook
• Try a new food every month.  Document the new foods and let us know what you tried and if you liked it.
• To be in shape
• Do 40 hours of volunteer work
•  Play in the snow, jump in puddles, walk in the rain, and jump in leaves.  Take pictures or post videos
• Write 6 letters to congress (every other month).  Must be a different topic each time.  Let us know what topics you took a stand for.
• Memorize a poem and recite it at your next party
• Learn a new talent and demonstrate it to everyone at the next holiday party.
• Perform 13 acts of random kindness.  Write down what you do to share with us.
• Choreograph a dance and perform it on your birthday in front of family.  Post video on Facebook
•  Perform 2 pay it forwards.  Let us know what you did
• Cook one new dish each month.  Let us know what you made, if it was good, etc.
•  Reorganize clothes closet by color and donate clothes to charity.
•  Play a prank on someone once a month.  Tell us what you did.
• Go on 3 dates this year
•  Do something nice once a day
• Get a pedicure
•  Learn to count to 10 in 5 languages.  Count for us at the next holiday party.
•  Hike a mountain.  Take a picture from the summit.
•  Have lunch with Nancy
• Get rid of 1 thing a week for a year
•  Learn how to do the butterfly stroke
• Read one book a month.  Share with us the author and title.
• To eat healthy
• Grow a garden with minimum of 5 items
• Sleep in to 9:30 at least once every third month
• Root for a team you despise for a whole game season:  The New England Patriots
• Go hiking once a  month
• Buy an indoor plant and keep it alive all year long
• Go to the movies at least once a month
• Create a vision board
• Have a monthly night (between the two families)
• Do 12 hours of charitable work
• Do a good deed for a stranger
• Try a different food
• Try 5 new foods this year
• Do not shave for 3 months
• Keep my car clean

Once people started picking we had a lot of laughs.  Everyone seemed to really like this idea, and afterwards came up with so many more challenge ideas.  There will be penalties for those that do not meet their challenge by our next winter holiday party and during the year we'll talk about this as people start completing their challenges.

pro-suicide

I am pro suicide.

If someone wants to end their life, I don't see why they shouldn't be able to, I mean, they didn't ask to come into the world.

For the most part, with people I know, while I am mostly shocked with their actions, I feel bad I didn't know they were having so many problems.  I like to fix people, and I feel like I should reach out more...but many times unless there is some sort of cry for help, they could put up a good front and it is shocking.  That is for another post.

My issue with suicide, while it is in the hands of the depressed person - is that it is fine if they are only sacrificing themselves.  However, it is 100% inappropriate to bring others down with you because you are too much of a chicken shit to go alone.  It is YOUR problem, don't make it everyone else's for fame or glory or because you are scared.  It is not ok to kill and hurt so many other people in your suicide journey. It is not ok to take hostages, it is not ok to threaten others, it is not ok to cause such a ruckus that SWAT teams are called in to kill you.  

Please, you don't like it here...don't make us all sad and miserable.  Please, just go silently.  Don't make too much of a mess, don't cause a scene, just go.

The breakup #4

Well, dear readers, I think I made it to the end of ManFriend & my relationship...a whole what 4 or 7 days? I am not sure how you count it or when it really ended...or honestly if it even started to begin with.

It has been a really interesting year.  I am so very happy I met him because he really did help me since my living situation changed...and  it was a nice distraction.

After New Years, I really wanted to talk to him, in person.  But he never found the time - so after several drinks and a an emotional week, I resorted to an email.  I knew as I was typing it that I shouldn't send it, maybe I just needed to vent.  But after I was done with it, I was OK with what I wrote and honestly, do I care anymore?  A few friends are questioning why I even like him...and what I am getting out of it.  So I sent it.

2 1/2 minutes later he called.

I guess that is how you get results...tell him in an email all the reason why you love him and then tell him it is over, and I have a few expectations regarding how to close up the rest of the other relationship.

We chatted for a while, but aside from him saying he is going to forget about my email, I don't know what was resolved.  He did say he feels like a schmuck and embarrassed from NYE...but I've wanted to move past that since that day and I am not sure why he still feels embarrassed about it? Why can't he just create a new NYE.  A little drinking, a little flirting, a bigger kiss, staying in the same bed, and making me breakfast in the morning.  But he also blames me for being immature and not talking to him about this in person - even though I told him I kept trying...how much rejection can one person take?  He also said he doesn't think I've tried to show how I feel at all during the last few months...but I had to remind him that we weren't allowed to have feelings then, so now that I am ... I need to talk to him about it so it isn't confusing.

I am starting to wonder if he is using me.  I don't just mean the sex thing...but there are a LOT of other things about our 'relationship' that I haven't shared on here yet...but is basically me doing a lot of nice things for him, and getting nothing in return. I know I am getting screwed in the end.

So, what I thought was the end, turns out it was just my 4th attempt to end it with him...and our story continues.

The ManFriend story is to be continued.

Karma Chameleon

When you read so much about someone but don't know them (like me) I am sure you wonder what my voice sounds like.   It is hard to give you the full effect, unless I posted a video of me talking, which I am not going to do, so I thought I would give an example.

Over my years, I've had mixed thoughts on my voice, some men thought it was high pitched, others low, others thought I could be a good phone sex operator, and a few times  I had a raspy voice from a sore throat/laryngitis I was told it was sexy.

About two years ago, I was playing one of my niece's wii game where you sing in a microphone and the game kept score about how well you can keep in tone with that bobble note.  The game was contagious - just like rockband - so I sang quite a bit of songs....which would be very unfortunate for you if you were with me.  While I am not sure if I have a decent voice, I know for certain I can not sing.  I usually only sing when I am home alone or in the car.  It is hard to be in a car with someone and a song I love comes on and I can't sing along for fear of the other person intentionally crashing to avoid my singing.

But after about 30 songs of getting no more than 50%, I finally found a song I was able to sing with over 90% accuracy in that game:

Culture Club  - Karma Chameleon

Desert loving in your eyes all the way

If I listened to your lies would you say

I'm a man

without conviction

I'm a man

who doesn't know

How to sell a contradiction

You come and go

You come and go

Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon

You come and go

You come and go

Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream

Red gold and green

Red gold and green

Didn't hear your wicked words every day

And you used to be so sweet I heard you say

That my love

was an addiction

When we cling

our love is strong

When you go

you're gone forever

You string along

You string along

Every day is like a survival

You're my lover not my rival

Every day is like a survival

You're my lover not my rival

I'm a man without conviction

I'm a man who doesn't know

How to sell a contradiction

You come and go

You come and go

from AZlyrics.com

This is surprisingly an easy song to sing because you don't need to fluctuate your voice very much...perfect for me.  

New Years Nightmare

There is a reason I like to stay in on New Years and it mostly involves being happier.  I don't have to worry about people. I can drink as much or as little as I want. I can go to bed anytime I want.

This year, I thought I was going to have a stay-in at ManFriends.  I had the whole thing planned. I already bought a bunch of wine, I picked out 5 sushi rolls, and I had on a tight dress since he likes that.

But much to my dismay, at 4pm he texts me he wants to go out instead.  The wonderful person I am, who has a need to please other people tells him we can do whatever he wants, I only want to make him happy.  He selects a somewhat close by place and wants to leave at 9:30.

Sure, I am 9 years younger than ManFriend, but I hate going out that late...or I should say, start going out that late.  From 4-9 I had no idea what to do with my free time.  I couldn't drink since I still had to make my way over there and I already relaxed and did all my errands during the day.  I was getting tired and a little cranky.

I get there at 9, so I can have a drink before we head out.  He barely acknowledged my presence.  He suggests we take a cab.  I thought it was funny, we live in the suburbs...not the city, we don't have taxis randomly driving down the road.  So I suggested hopping on the train for the few stops.  But he is busy playing convert a celebrity to a porn star name with his friend via text.  We miss two trains, don't leave until 10:40.  ManFriend didn't want to get a ticket since he figured it was only two stops, but I bought them because, you never know.  And we did have to give them to the conductor so ha. it pays to be law abiding 

We get to the bar, they have some live music and an old crowd. It was like being at a wedding, but a lot more crowded - like a sardine. I hate feeling like a sardine.  However, I had a few hours to practice my resolution - enjoy the moment even if I don't want to be there.  So, I tried to make the most of it.  I had 3/4 of a bottle of wine before we left and 3 beers at the bar.  Midnight came and ManFriend gave me a small peck on the lips.  A super lame New Years kiss.

By this point I am so disappointed.  ManFriend is barely showing any interest in me all night, well, he wasn't talking to other people, we were there with each other...but he wasn't be cute and flirty like he did on Friday, and all I got was a tiny peck a brother could have given me.  We start heading out at 1.

ManFriend is convinced he can hail a cab.  He does, surprisingly  but the cabbie didn't want to take us where we wanted to go, so we got out 300 feet from the bar.  As ManFriend is having a temper tantrum outside, I have to take it upon myself to take control.  I go inside and talk to the bartender about getting a cab.  He called three places, none of them answered.

The only other suggestion was to walk to the train.  ManFriend and I started to fight like you wouldn't believe.  I started crying.  A drunk crying woman is the last thing a man wants so it was like his annoyance and temper escalated 500%.

I was annoyed. I mean, I wanted to stay in.  He wanted to go out.  He didn't plan anything.  He didn't know how to solve any problems we encountered.  How can he scream at me because we were stuck in a neighboring town?  I am sorry but I wasn't about to sleep on a park bench, so I messaged a few people, I talked to the bartender, and then I started walking to the train.  I had heels, I didn't care. ManFriend whined the whole time.  The girls in front of us walking asked if I was ok or if it was a typical lovers quarrel.  That was nice of them. By the time we got to the train station, we weren't speaking and weren't even staying near each other.

We had 2 minutes before the train, and ManFriend asks a cab at the train station to drive us home.  On the ride, we pull up home at the same time the train did, it only cost me an additional $20 and 2 wasted train tickets in my pocket.  I wished the cabbie a happier new years than me, which wouldn't have been very hard.

I was in no condition to drive so I go into ManFriends place. He was furious he told me he loved me and I wasn't gutsy enough to say it back and that made him feel like shit.  He questioned the longevity of a relationship with me.  We fight, we have sex, he tells me he doesn't want to speak or see me for a long long time.  All I can think is that this was the shorted 'relationship' I ever had - 4 days (technically).  Even the juvenile boys from high school typically lasted 3 weeks.  Who would have thought they would have beat a man 20 years later?

I sleep on the couch.

In the morning he comes and gets me and brings me back to his room and apologies many times for the disaster of the night.  We don't kiss, we don't have sex.  But I think we made up.  I was hungry and asked him to fetch me food from around the corner, he didn't so I left.

If the first 9 hours of 2013 is any indication of the next 364 days...I am screwed.  I deserve a GOOD year.  Everyone else gets them, damn it, I want one.

2013 Wishes & Dreams

Last year I posted about my wishes and dreams for 2012.

These are my 2012 goals:

• pay down credit card debt
• start to use cash more regularly
• volunteer
• find a new job
• save a little more money
• make new friends
• date. become more secure in my body & how it works
• lower cholesterol & triglyceride levels
• cook more often
• take a vacation
• some fun activities including:  book signing, berry picking, opera, etc.
• freshen style
• move/plan to move

Let's see what I did:  Yes, I paid down my credit card debt and used cash much more often.  I found and started a new job, a saved a smidgen of money, I partook in some fun activities (fire walking, camping, rope course), and I freshened my style sort of - I cleaned out my closet and donated about 10 bags of clothes and I spent a bunch of money on new clothes....still not super happy.

I did not volunteer, make new friends, take a vacation or move. I also never went for my free physical so I am not sure about my cholesterol levels.   The dating thing is tricky, not sure how to answer that, although I did go on about 5 dates with new people this year.  

I am ok with these results (considering I forgot to look at this post throughout the year); about 50% because the big stressful ones were taken care of, it was a decent year.

But 2013 has to be better.

My 2013 goals:

• Whenever I say "I never..." write it down, and by the end of the year try about 60% of what I never did before.
• Be more spontaneous
• Be in the moment more...enjoy the time when there, and stop trying to look past that time.  Enjoy the person I am with, as I might never see them again. And if I don't want to be somewhere, well, suck it up and ENJOY it anyway. 
• Move 
• Spend less money on clothes than I did this year
• Try 10 new foods
• Spend less time on Facebook
• Get my photo taken in 5 interesting places

I also have a holiday party next week where we'll do a resolution roulette.  Everyone will write down 1-2 fun resolutions and we'll put them in a hat and pick one.  Next year we'll see who actually did it.

New Years Plans 2012

I am off New Years Eve day, so I am going to do what I do every NYE day, see a matinee, run errands but instead of getting Chinese food for dinner and going to bed early, I am hanging out with ManFriend in the evening.  Which is ideal for me because I am still keeping a low profile and staying in...but get to kiss someone at midnight.

Since ManFriend revealed that happy bit the other night, I wanted to make our New Years a nice fun evening.  Show him I care.  Last year we invited a neighbor over, got drunk, chatted about everything & resolutions and kicked out the neighbor at 11:30 so we can make out - again.

This year, I am going to order a bunch of sushi and bring over 4 bottles of wine.  I expect we'll drink about 3 of them.  And hopefully we'll have as much fun sexually as we did last year.

My goal is to get him nice and chatty after 3 drinks and talk a little bit about us - what he thinks being part of a couple means, what he expects, how often he would like to see me, things like that.  I don't think other people have these chats about defining boundaries in relationships...but with ManFriend, I think it is kinda necessary.  Maybe not if we are a couple, but when things were causal  it was needed because we were rarely on the same page at the same time.  It lead to a ton of miscommunication, annoyance and confusion.  I am also a little scared because it means I am trusting someone and putting my heart on the line.  I want to be in love...but I am not 100% sure this will last, so I am hesitant.  But I just have to go along with it and see I guess. I'll never know if I don't try.

Wow, this will be the second NYE that I am kissing the same person.  I say that is progress.

Update:  Nope, ManFriend changed the plans.  We are going to a bar at the late hour or 9:30.  I hate getting old because this sounds HORRIBLE.  I am exhausted at it is 7pm, dealing with a crowded bar, drunk drivers and eating alone.

He loves me not, he loves me?

I was making out with ManFriend tonight and he said "We act more like a couple" and I said "uh huh" and kept kissing him.  He said "Maybe we should try it?"  I reply "Try what?" (Remember I am a bitch at times).  So I expressed my concerns regarding the logistics if he is moving sooner than me.  He said we'd talk about it later.

So we go out to a bar and have a few drinks...go back to his place, and we are in bed - he says "who is going to say it first tonight?" I reply "certainly not I".   But a moment later he said it.  "I love you".

HOLY CRAP.

Can I say that again?  Holy Crap.

So we went from casual sex to love?  I don't think that is normal.

But am I surprised?  No, we've been doing this for 13 months.  Clearly with all my postings, I get so annoyed by him, because I expected or wanted more at times throughout the year.  There have been times I almost blurted it out myself, but I stopped myself because of two reasons - 1) was it just in the moment since how can I love someone I really don't know and 2) I couldn't say it out loud when we weren't even dating.

I am not going to lie, I never really do, I was happy about this, it means I'be been doing something right.  But can he really love me?  I know he loves being in bed with me.  We watch TV.  We go out to eat sometimes...but that is it.  Can that be love?  It is completely different from the first and only other time I was in love.

I've only said I love you to SI.  I don't take it lightly and so I didn't say it back.  I know he doesn't understand my hesitation.  He knows I feel it, sort of...he said, 'I can see it in your eyes and what you do to and for me'.

He wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't have very strong feelings for him.

He asked to hang out on New Years, so I guess we'll talk about this stuff more on Monday.  I guess I have a bit of thinking to do...and questions I need to ask him...like what does he think being part of a couple entails?      Is he automatically a date to a wedding?  An automatic yes to a concert I want to see?  Dinner with the family on a random Saturday?  Doing his laundry?  Or the same exact thing we've been doing except exclusively.

getting fed up

Do I dare to fill you in on my ManFriend issues?  Why not, I have no other thoughts today.

ManFriend started a new job, going on three weeks ago. Unfortunately it is a bit far and he is driving there - until he moves.  He is having a hard time adjusting to working again and is utterly exhausted.  This past weekend he told me he was going to take me out to celebrate  - and hours later I never heard from him.  Even though I asked him to call/text me so I knew for certain - you know value my time.  Well, he didn't.  I never heard from him over the weekend.  Then Christmas Eve we had a lot of leftovers so I told him to stop by and get some...but he gave me an attitude and I lashed out - I mean, who can't commit to something the SAME DAY, just hours later?

He told me I was over reacting.  He was just tired and fell asleep, and woke up at like 9...but still, I didn't get a message at 9 saying, 'sorry I feel asleep', I just got the silent treatment....making me feel guilty for reaching out.

Does this behavior sound familiar?  It should, it has SI's characteristics all over it. I would say it sounds like cheating, but we aren't together, so...

But the nice, sweet, stupid me still made him a plate of food (in fact, I gave him more food than I took home).  So he takes his food and says, stop by later....and you know, he didn't answer when I called at the prearranged time, so I went home.  30 minutes later he messaged me he was running late...I didn't go over...it was too late.

We chatted a while back about new years - if we didn't have other plans we'd hang out...but what I am going to do, wait until 9pm for an invite that night?  I know I never go out, I hate that night - possibly because I spent most of it alone or crying when I was IN a relationship...so not being in one doesn't sound much better.  Anyway, while I won't have any other plans, I feel like I can't concede again.

What is it about me that men love to want to play with, but don't want to keep?  I mean, I am a better girlfriend than friend.  I bake, cook, do laundry, am familiar with several crafts, a bit handy around the house, nurturing, etc....isn't that what makes a good girlfriend/wife?  And why months/years later do the guys appreciate it THEN, not at the time?

If I am destined to be single - then I really need to stop having casual sex.  Just give it up entirely.

In case of my death

The last few days have been filled with thoughts of death.  I keep thinking, if I have these kinds of feelings from Kevin's passing, how will I handle someone who was more prominent in my life - like SI or Cop#1 or one of my current female friends?  

If I hear of SI's death, would I even care? I mean, sure he was a huge part of my life...but what he did to me was unexcusable   The SI I loved, is dead - someone else took over his brain and heart and he isn't the person I fell in love with - so when he passes - I might not care, because I already spent 5 years mourning him/it.  But, I might care, I probably will; because I am sentimental    

Cop#1, yes no doubt I'd shed quite a few tears.  

What it comes down to is - would I even know if someone important to me passes?  Probably not.  

I think what I am going to do, is have an "in case of my death, please notify the following people" note so my family will contact people - whether or not I currently talk to them.  Or perhaps I can send a small package to the people with a short note.  

What do we really know about death? Do we believe in angels and ghosts?  Do we look down from heaven to see who turns up at our services?  And if so, would I be surprised who turned up to my services?  Have I even made an impact on someone's lives where they would take the time out of their lives to attend my services?

I think I'll not have any kind of service...that will avoid my disappointments.

bathroom privacy

When you are home alone, do you close the bathroom door?

I never do; what is the point, I am already alone...I am certainly not modest in the other parts of my living quarters, and have walked around naked or mostly naked when I feel like it because - why not?  So why be all shy in the bathroom?

I also have left the door open when others are around, because honestly, I don't care.  do you?

A tribute to Kevin

This will be one of the hardest posts I'll have to write.

This month has been filled with such tragedy.  The horrible shooting at the elementary school in Connecticut  the LIE pileup, my friend telling me her father is dying, and finding out this morning that my high school friend Kevin died.

Kevin isn't just some random person from long ago.  I posted about him once here.  He will always hold a special place in my heart because I gave him my virginity.

I met Kevin at a under 21 club in Poughkeepsie in 1996.  As a twist of weirdness would have it, he turned out to be the brother of someone I was currently hooking up with.  Since Kevin was more my age, he & I started hanging out/dating (although I don't think it was exclusive on his end).  I hung out with him a lot during my senior year and especially the summer before college - we talked about his future...he was considering a baseball draft offering or going to college - I stressed college, what did I know? But he did turn it down because it was the rival of the team he admired as a kid.   I have a whole bunch of papers he signed for me as a joke, but also because he secretly desired to became famous.  Since we were young, we just spent time at each other's families houses, and making out when everyone went to bed.

As college rolled around, we still kept in touch.  One night me & my roommate went to visit him at his school, and we all got drunk - and I had my first sexual experience...a memorable night.

After that we kept in touch via letters for a little while, but like anything it faded.  Turns out he did play ball for a minor league team until he had an injury.  And at some point he lived in Hawaii for a few years off the radar completely.  As my other post said, one day probably in 2002 or 2003, Kevin found me again and we spent 6 hours catching up and hanging out.  Our paths crossed so many times; him coaching baseball at the college I went to, and not knowing each other was in the same building!  I remember when I saw him at that time how ill he looked.  I couldn't figure out what it was, he was like a skeleton and very pale.  Something was off, but he didn't say anything.  I remember walking away that day wanting to keep in touch, but I didn't.  Life with SI got in my way and I forgot.

But it never stopped me from thinking about Kevin once in a while and where he was.  Cell phone numbers changed, addresses changed.  I sent him birthday cards to his parents house..but I lost him, until last year.  We chatted on the phone for 2 hours and occasionally IMed each other.  I was so happy to hear that his life was going well and he found an exotic looking wife.  He was so happy - or so I thought.

Then on September 18th of this year he posted on Facebook he was in the city, just a block away.  I met up with him after work.  He got heavier, but don't we always? and still recognizable from the old days just a little older.  We spent 2 hours catching up.  I left there very nervous.  Something was wrong with Kevin - I have no idea what it was and he didn't say.  But he couldn't remember very much in the short term, his long term memory was amazing, he remembered so much from our time in high school, my family, my sisters, movies we watched, etc.

I am so happy I was able to get that time with him recently.  He was such a great guy, always so sweet and complimenting and he enjoyed life to the fullest.  He was one of those people that you admired in that kind of loving life kind of way.

I didn't go to the wake, but I went to the funeral mass - I sat in the last row, alone.  I needed to say goodbye to this amazing guy.

I will always remember Kevin.

Me & Kevin in Cape Cod at one of his baseball games (1998)

Kevin & Me at the beach in Cape Cod (1998)

The night of my deflowering - September 19, 1999

The last photo of me as a virgin...

addiction

How amazing is this feedback from a reader:

"i swear to god I love ur blog. its my addiction"

I really appreciate people reading some of my thoughts.  I know many times I use the blog as a diary...I get a bunch of hits, but usually mostly for the 'reviews' of things, not the everyday stuff.  I enjoy making people laugh or having them relate to some of what I say.  

So thank you, all of you, for reading.  I will continue to share my thoughts and doings in 2013 - and hope that the posts will be a little more exciting and varied - and I hope you continue to comment or send me feedback and suggestions for topics.

Happy Holidays.

tis the season for re-hookups

It is that time of year where people are re-hooking up.  Unfortunately I am not stranger to this phenomenon - I recycle my men.  I do it because I want to keep my number low and you know what you are getting yourself into.  It makes perfect sense.

So, I have a sorta thing going with ManFriend, nothing restrictive but he constantly tells me how lucky he is to be with me, and that I turn him on, and that I am sexy as hell.

But, I've hooked up with Cop#1 about 7 times this year because he is my addiction.  We've been at it on and off for 13 years...and I love that I excite him so much.

And now, out of the woodwork I received a "poke" from Bank Boy. I didn't know you can still poke people on Facebook, but that generated a short conversation.  He suggested one more night.  But remember, he was obsessed...there is no way I can do that again because once isn't enough for him, I rocked his world a little too much.

Two days later HSK started messaging me again, first it was just catching up stuff over the last 1 1/2 years since he decided I wasn't good enough for him, but then he started complimenting me then asked to hang out.  Then more messages on different days - still filled with compliments.  We even made plans so he can show me a good time...whatever that may entail.  Normally I wouldn't go for hooking up with him again, because he was an odd conceited fellow...but no joke, his small little penis was the most satisfying and amazing sexual experiences ever.  So, why would I not try again, especially because I feel like having lame sex with ManFriend is making me forget to have decent sex.

Then comes some New Year's resolution ideas from my male friends about hooking up with them in the New Year.  I told one guy that I was open to hanging out with him again - I haven't seen him since I was friends with this girl T from college, he is/was her friend.  But his penis was HUGE...a little scary.  Add to that greesy - him and his girlfriend are rocky, so immediately he asks to bang.

Finally, the most unexpected of all was Doofy.  I never made a good impression with him in the bedroom.  His huge penis scared me, clearly I have a problem with extra large. I always felt young and inexperienced with him.  It may have been the timing too - I was a bit more insecure a few years ago.  I mean ManFriend has been with ~over 150 women, and I am not bothered with that, so just because Doofy is more experienced  I shouldn't have a problem, especially if he was willing to teach me stuff. Who doesn't love to learn?  Anyway, I haven't heard from him in a long time, so it was nice to chat with him a little bit and I was super flattered with his kind words.

What should this tell me?  It tells me that I am desirable   I mean, it isn't one person telling me I am pretty or that they want to have indecent relations with me - this is now a few of my past men...men who know me, men who've seen me naked, men who've seen the 'crazy' Denise, the 'sad' Denise, the 'happy' Denise, the super drunk Denise, and the serious Denise.  A few men, so it can't be a mistake.  If I had a tag on me, it would say 'recommended by 9.5 out of 10 men'.

So there it is, I must be pretty awesome, otherwise these men wouldn't be asking to re-hook up with me.  Tis the season, where I might let my guard down, and just do it...with all of them.  Why not?

shooting stars

The meteor shower last night was a good show.  I stay up or wake in the middle of the night throughout the year to catch glimpses of the meteor shower and lunar eclipses, but this past year has been hard - it has been raining or partly cloudy which makes for a very difficult viewing, and a disappointed Denise.

I love the stars, looking at the clear sky and its vastness makes me feel so insignificant.  Throughout the year when i see such a clear sky, I always take a moment to look up and appreciate the moment.  the stars, the moon...wondering what else is out there...it is utterly amazing.

Last night's meteor shower turned out to be a mostly clear night with a sliver of a moon.  I have been a little under the weather this week, and I was utterly exhausted last night.  When I got home at 9:30 I looked up and saw a huge bright shooting star...I couldn't go in yet, so I laid on the patio in my work clothes and thin coat.  I stayed like that for 20 minutes, practically freezing so I reluctantly went inside.  

I figured it wasn't the peak time until 11 - 2, so I'd wait an hour and try again.  It was so hard to stay awake, but I managed. I ended up putting snow pants on, a sweater, my coat, winter boots, gloves, a scarf and I went back outside to lay on the patio.  I started to think  -this is what all the homeless people do every night, except of course, I was in a private area, not having to worry about people walking past or stepping on me.  As I am looking up at the dark sky and see another shooting star my first thought was how fortunate I was that I am not homeless and I am lucky enough to have a roof over my head.  There are so many small things to be grateful for each and everyday, and while I worry about things, in the grand scheme I have to remember it will all pass.

My first real wish was for my friend who just told me some very sad news.  My second - tenth wish was for me to meet my future husband soon...very soon.  

I started playing this game, if I see a shooting star in the next 3 minutes, that means I will meet my future husband within the month.  If the next shooting star is bright, that means that I'll meet my future husband within 2 weeks.  every time I almost started to loose hope, zooomm a star shoots by.  

I would have loved to stay outside even longer to enjoy the show, especially after I dressed properly for the occasion this time around.  But I was so congested that I was barely able to breathe so I went inside about 11:45.

Gone Girl Review

Considering how many books I read, I don't really write about many of them.  I just finished Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.

This book sucked me right in, and I finished it in about 3 days (6 30 minute commutes, and an occasional lunch).  It was by no means an amazing book filled with lots of thought and intrigue, but what I liked about it was about a couple, their problems, revenge, and a little craziness.

The below will spoil the book for you if you have not read it.

Right away, page 29 "They're baffled by my singleness.  A smart, pretty, nice girl, like me, a girl with so many interests and enthusiasms, a cool job (this I don't have), a loving family."  This is me...why would I not want to read on? She caught my attention, I am Amy.

The story rotates each chapter between Amy and her husband, Nick.  I love stories that rotate like this, it keeps my interested and makes me read faster.

So how the story goes is that the first chapter opens up with Nick...on the day of.  I wondered, on the day of what? but that soon becomes apparent - Amy is missing and it also happens to be their 5th wedding anniversary.  The Nick chapters tell you about the investigation and the progress of the days Amy is missing, it is 'current' day, and sheds a lot of light on what Amy is like, and a bit about Nick too.  The Amy chapters are diary entries  over the last few years, and explain about their relationship, which sheds a lot of light on Nick.  As the reader starts to figure out which of these two people they can relate more too...part 2 comes.

Part 2 starts a few twists.  First, an affair...not really a surprise if you read part one, it was clear this is where it was leading.  And then you get into a new twist on the rotating stories.  In part 1, you started to feel really bad for Amy, based on the story she was telling in the diary, and based on some of the things Nick said in his part, but in part 2, this flips around.  The twist? Amy planted the whole thing - although if you read as much as me, you knew this was coming from super early on in the book.  Amy starts to explain a whole other side of their relationship...one that she is portrayed as psychotic.  Things are revealed about Nick that makes you wonder how he put up with this for so long.

Part 3 Amy comes home and continues to manipulate Nick.

So, what did I like about this book?   First, what kind of woman wouldn't want to get revenge?  Second, Amy's stories about her feelings about the husband reminded me all to much of SI.  She nailed some of the thoughts, even if they were fabricated to set him up.  Examples include how you can love someone so much but yet fear them; constantly wondering if today was the day he was going to snap and kill you; the emotional abuse; the exhaustion of knowing the person you share a house/bed with hates you; the amazement of the mistress being your opposite; realizing how stupid you seemed in the eyes of the man that you love - when he knows how he can play you and manipulate you and therefore looses all respect for you; trying so hard keeping something to work; and giving up a lot for the other person.

I can't say that when I found out about the deceit  I didn't think the things Amy did.  How amazing would it have been to set him up for something - I mean, I wouldn't fake my own death, but wouldn't i like to see him suffer?  Of course.  Amy, unfortunately, was a little crazy, but that is what I loved  - she planned and thought of everything to set him up and hurt him back.  It was genius and psychotic but there is no doubt I had a little respect.  [don't judge me, whenever I hear of any spectacular crime, don't we always say WOW at some point after we shake our heads in disbelief].

So there it is, a very incoherent babbling about a recent book I read.  I have to remember if I do this again, to jot down notes or write the blog posts in parts as I read the book.

annoyance for not sharing feelings

During our last awkward encounter, ManFriend asked me why I never tell him I enjoy our time together in bed.  Was it that I did, after all we've been doing this almost 13 months, or was I desperate?

I didn't really give him an answer at that moment, aside from some cold, defensive thing like 'what makes you think I enjoy this'...yes bitchy I know.

But he deserves an answer, so I wrote him an email, since I can more coherently get my thoughts out with out being side tracked and with out interruption from him.

So, what did I share with him?  I was brutally honest.  I told him that my reason for not saying nice things to him was both that I am desperate, but that I've enjoyed it and I find him attractive most of the time.  But more importantly, casual sex is so freaking hard.  I never know how much is too much, how little is too little, finding that medium is hard.  When will he pull away?  Who is supposed to apologize first?  Does he really mean anything he whispers to me in bed anyway?  Why do we have so many issues when we aren't even dating?  I get nothing out of this, and sometimes I feel like a cheap whore-  no woman wants to feel that way.    If I said nice things to him in bed, am I admitting I like him - and if so, is that even allowed?  I go out of my way to do nice things for him, and I can't think of two things he's done to/for me....but I don't need to share that with you now, you've been reading this for months - and when I talk about ManFriend, I am usually venting on here.  I tried to end it a few times, but I am a sucker for seduction...but it will end in just a few short weeks, if not at our last awkward encounter and the reading of my email.

It served its purpose, it was convenient, and it lasted way longer than I thought it would.

stealing a birthday

I hate my birthday.  I think it is because ever year when it rolls around I am reminded of how my life isn't how I hoped the year would go or that my 'plan' will never happen, and that I am getting old.  Old age scares me, and I feel like NOW is the time to live...and I am barely.

But there is one day when I am determined to have a fabulous day, and that day happens to be SI's birthday.  OK OK, I know that sounds absolutely insane.  And even though he has no clue, for me it is more of a 'see, you bastard, you aren't the only one who is going to have a great day today...damn it I am too'.

So for the last few years I've scheduled dates, had sex, took the day off and shopped, whatever.  

This year, I had high expectations.  I was just getting over a fever and knew that on that day - that it would be gone so I would look and feel good.  I took a shower, spent that extra minute on my makeup, wore something great.  I arranged a lunch with a coworker and had a good day at work.  Things with ManFriend have been off (no surprise) so I put on some lingerie and went over there with that on, and a coat with heels.  I've always wanted to do that.  Open the door, take off my coat, let it fall to the floor, and surprise!  But, it was not the reaction I hoped. It missed passion, it missed intensity and desire.  It was like, oh you are here? I totally forgot we had plans, I am tired, and well, since you are half naked I feel obligated to have sex with you.  So it was awkward, I felt like a whore but I was determined to have sex on SI's birthday - I can't break a streak.

So, it wasn't an ideal day, but it wasn't a horrible one either, better luck next year.