Settling In

I have owned my apartment for 2 years and almost two months, and I had only hung 5 things on my wall. Two I put above my front door, purchases from my first time in New Mexico before I had my own place, a letter holder, a mosaic mirror I made and this other iron design thing. I like my apartment, but I was too scared to put anything on the walls - seemed permanent (a bad way of thinking learned from the ex, I was not like that many moons ago). I also told myself I'd only live here for 2 years - but since that didn't happen, I decided to buy frames to hand on my 'main' wall in the living room. I spent so much time trying to decide what frames I liked, but since I ordered a few digital images that my cousin took. Check out his website, there are some fantastic pictures you can purhase. At the time, the sizes were not standard for common picture frames (8x12 not 8x10 -- good news is, they NOW offer them in the standard sizes), so instead of custom framing - which I do not have money for, I decided on a floating frame. I loved these frames because they were simple and the picture just floats inside so no matting is required. I liked the pictures so much but decided I didn't order

enough, so I ordered more. Of course my pictures weren't the same quality of my cousin's and fit in the frames exact (no floating) but they looked nice. Deciding where to put the frames on the wall was a challenge I couldn't do it on my own. I invited my mom & sister over to help me. After 90 minutes we got them all on the wall - and I will need to order/buy one more. I like having the pictures on the wall - seems homier.

A movie week

Last week was hard, with nothing on TV. The only new shows I am currently watching is the Bachlorette (against my better judgement) and Hell's Kitchen. I was so bored and too hot to do anything, so while I stopped at the library to pick up some books, I decided to pick up some movies.

First I watched a movie I had, but haven't seen since maybe it first came out - not even sure why I own it. "Bridgette Jone's Diary". It was entertaining enough.

Day 2 I watched "Henry Poole is Here". I had zero desire to watch that when I saw the previews when it first came out, but the selection at the library isn't the best. I believe the movie was about 1 1/2 hours. It was a long 90 minutes. The story was simple. The acting nothing special. Not a movie I would recommend to others.

Day 3 I popped in "Gone Baby Gone". I have an issue with Ben & Casey Affleck's Boston accent. I also have issues with such vulgar language (but it seems to have mostly been in the first part of the movie). The story for this was much better. I enjoy drama/suspicious movies - however I found this one to be a little slow moving. It was almost 2 hours - and was a tad too long because I was getting antsy and daydreaming about going to bed instead of finishing the movie. The back of the box tells you there are twists and turns...but since i knew that in advance, I thought it was a bit predictable. I gave movie to my parents to watch and said "good story but slow".

Day 4 - My sisters and I decided to rent the first "Sex and the City" movie before we go to see the second one (I think this weekend). I saw this movie twice in the theater actually. Both times with friends, the second time - I didn't have the heart to tell the girl I'd already seen it. I liked the HBO series, but after a few years I got rid of HBO to save money so I missed the last season or episodes. Anyway, I was actually surprised that I enjoyed the movie as much as I did. It was a long movie but it really caught you up on the girl's lives. I can relate so much to the heartache Carrie faced & the troubles Miranda went through. I thought it was funny that my sister said I remind her most of Samantha. I guess it has to do with me being the only single one & the most amount of partners (which is still really low, I might add) out of the four of us. It was a fun sister night, and we plan on seeing the second one on Tuesday.

Day 5 - I had dinner with a few girl friends, so I had to take a night off from the movies. This might have been a blessing in disguise.

Day 6 - OK, even though it is a Friday and I am single, I was so worn out from my Wednesday & Thursday nights that I was tired and a little cranky. So I watched another movie. The movie was a French movie called "L'enfant". I don't mind subtitled movies and have seen some really good ones. This movie started off slow. I was actually bored with it in the first 16 minutes that I took it out on Day 1 and watched something else. But I figured I'd give it a shot again. A depressing story of being broke, in a relationship and attempt at redemption.

Day 7 - Saturday, very last minute my sister invited me over to watch a movie. It was pouring so I said sure. Couples Retreat, oh my, that made laugh a lot. The very recognizable cast goes on a 'vacation' which turns out to be a program for couples. The beautiful resort was filmed in Bora Bora...which is now on my 'must eventually see list'.

Day 8 - I was so excited, a break from movie watching...or so I thought. I went to BJs Wholesale Club with my sister bright & early this morning and she was telling me she watched Dreamgirls and loved it. After we got back from shopping, she let me borrow the movie, which was due at the library the next day, which meant I had to watch it that tonight. I am still in the midst of watching the movie, but so far the music is catchy and it seems like a very happy movie.

Oh, I almost forgot, before this started, I also went to the movies with 2 sisters and three kids to see Shrek Forever After in 3D. I enjoyed this one too, I thought it had a good moral and there were enough adult parts to make it funny where I actually laughed out loud. And, since it is a rainy weekend, I picked up Planet Earth (which I can watch when I am cooking or cleaning) and Tristan & Isolde.

I've walked 500 miles and I'd walk 500 more...

Believe it or not, I have not had a car for 3 years. I was the proud owner of a Honda Civic many, many years ago, I had a three year lease and when it was over, SI just let me use his older second car. It was perfect, we didn't travel a lot, work was close - I didn't need anything too wonderful. When we moved to NJ we purchased a Toyota Highlander, which was my primary vehicle. I LOVED that car; it rode beautifully. When I moved out, I took the car (filled with boxes). After many conversations, he allowed me to keep the car for a little while - however I had no idea when he'd want it back. It was a constant thing that was hung over my head and used to threaten me with. About a year later he took it back and told me he'd car shop with me. Although I had no money to purchase a car. I just gave up. I lived within walking distance to the train so I'd only need a car nights/weekends...but don't forget the first two years of the breakup, I was in a fog. I didn't have a social life and I had no desire to go anywhere, so it was never an issue. I eventually purchased my apartment close to my family so walking or getting picked up was really easy. It was not until very recently that I decided I needed a car again. I have started making some new friends, new hobbies, etc that I found borrowing a car to be burdensome for my family late at night when I'd return the car.

I started searching many websites, including craigslist to look for a clunker. So many of the car advertisements are not real. I emailed a few people and I'd get a notice that the listing is no longer available (and the posting was from that day or the day before - hard to sell a car in 4 hours!) . Others claim to be near where you are...but are not. I asked my uncle if he'd keep an eye out for something that came his way (he's a mechanic) but he is so busy that him going around to see cars could be unpractical.

Let car shopping commence.

First Time

Today’s blog post is inspired by the Life House song title, however while the post itself isn’t about me falling in love for what feels like the first time (hopefully that will come within the next 9 years, 2 months and 8 days), I thought it might be fun to write about my life first times - as they have helped mold me into who I am today.

First Kiss – I think I was 16. I was hanging out with this ‘bad boy’ who wore a leather trench coat. His name was George and I believe he was 2 years older than me. He kissed me outside of the school. He reeked of smoke and his tongue just went around in circles over and over again. It was actually quite gross. We never really went ‘out’ or on a date; I moved on and became a kissing whore.

First Surgery – I was 5 years old and had to have my tonsils out. I really don’t remember too much of this. I had a stuffed Snoopy; he went into the operating room with me. Of course I was a little scared. I remember I asked them if I could keep my underwear on, they said yes. Snoopy got a paper mask to put on his face, and I was gassed to sleep. Needless to say my throat was sore/hurt for a while, so I was able to eat lots of ice pops.

First Job – I won’t consider babysitting a job since it was off the books. My first job was a video store clerk. I posted about this here. I loved this job. Too bad videos/DVD stores are almost obsolete due to Netflix, OnDemand, etc. Great job for high school students.

First Concert – My first concert was when I visited my older sister in college probably around 1994 – that would have made me 14 or 15. It was a band I never heard of at the time Live. Sure they started popping up more afterwards and I enjoyed their music throughout high school.

First Real Purchase as an Adult – I think this was a loveseat pullout couch. I ended up living in the basement of my grandmother’s house for 4 years. I inherited a bed from my sister’s father-in-law (it was brand new) and needed a couch for my small space. I went to JC Penny with my mom and bought this adorable purple pull out loveseat (twin size) and paid for it myself – it was probably around $800. I loved that couch. My little sister has it now, it is practically brand new since I ended up using that space for a desk and the couch sat in storage for 4 years!

First Car – My parents bought me a cute white car when I was 16 or 17 so I was able to babysit, and get to work at the video store. Both of my parents were commuters. They moved us, when I was ten, an hour north where there was more land and you got more house for your money. It was a wonderful place to grow up - but my parents had to leave early in the AM to get to work, and got home way after we were home from school. It was helpful I had a car to drive me and my little sister to school and other things since they couldn't do it. I want to say it was a ___. This car lasted about a month and it just died. So my next car was a faded shade of red Pontiac Grand Am.

First Date – Hmm, I am trying to think about this one still. Hopefully I'll remember and get back to you...but that probably isn't likely.

First House – Hmm, I am not sure if this is the first house I grew up in or the first house I lived in with a boy. I'll go with the latter since it is more 'exciting'. SI decided instead of getting married, we'd buy a house. We spent lots of weekends house hunting and loved so many we saw but were constantly being out-bid. We finally ended up with this one, one that I found from the listings the realtor sent over and thought it was better than most other ones in the neighborhood. While my name was not on the house (NJ law does state however, that once you marry, it is 1/2 yours anyway) I did help. While we had been living together in my tiny basement apartment for the past 3 years, it wasn't ours, it was mine. This was great since it was brand new to both of us, and we were able to make it a home. Unfortunately, I only lived here for almost 10 months.

First MY Own Place - About two years after the above, I decided I needed to do something more permanent, clearly working things out with SI was going too slow and all those promises never became actualities. I couldn't live with my parents forever. I needed to decide what to do. Rashly one day I decided to buy an apartment (April 2008). I am not a firm believer in renting - so I looked at about 15 places and decided on an apt in this building. While I loved it at first site, there was another one that was calling my name but the parking was horrible. This place gave me a parking spot, was within walking distance to 2 of my sister's, walking distance to the train, had attic storage space...it seemed like a no-brainer. Issues in the apt soon became apparent, but when I walk in, I still LOVE it. It is small but it is MINE. I got to pick out all the furnishings by myself. I got to pick the wall color and the placement of the couch/TV. I was able to pick what silverware I liked. I splurged and bought a king sized bed that I get to myself. It is mine. My first place.

First Crush - I was in Kindergarten. What did I know then? I ran around the playground chasing this kid Johnny asking him to kiss me. Glad that didn't work out, as an adult he is SO not my type!

First Time Away From Home – Not counting sleep-overs, the first time I was away from home was when I went to college, September 1997. I went to Monmouth University and shared a HUGE room with two other girls. The room was originally the floor lounge, but was converted to a room when the enrollment grew - I was so lucky and didn't even realize it. (the building pictured is the same building Annie was filmed in!) I was so homesick. I didn’t think I would be as bad as I was but it was a huge adjustment. I transferred out after 1 ½ years – not because I was homesick, no, that was cured by the end of the year, but because I changed my major and the school didn’t have it there. So I moved in with my sister, her husband & their newborn baby for a while and commuted into NYC from there.

First 'I Love You" - My first I Love You was with SI. We went to this restaurant called sweetwater, and he told me over dinner. I was so excited, I really liked his guy and I was glad he said it. It was probably 4 months into our relationship (but mind you it was an accelerated 4 months, after a month he was living with me M - F). I wasn't ready that night to say it back, I knew I felt it, but I couldn't say it. A few days later I kept rehearsing it. I felt it, I did, but the words couldn't come out when I tried. I had these word magnets, and I wrote it out, called him over and showed him and tried so hard to say it...and I did :) SI was also the first person to make me realize how completely in love you could be with someone. It wasn't just an I love you - he was also much more.

My First Time doing "It" - In high school I liked this kid Kevin, we saw each other on occasion and made out a lot. I was too prude to do anything substantial. We went off to college but kept in touch. One day I convinced my roommate to go to his school with me for a visit. We got so incredibly drunk and I did "IT" on the floor with Kevin while my roommate and his brother where sleeping in the bed in the same room. I was so uncomfortable. I had him keep stopping because it didn't feel right or I thought I had to poop. After that, we barely spoke again for a long time, but managed to keep in touch until I met SI. I didn't do "IT" again for quite some time. I've tried to find him recently, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

My First Heartbreak - As much as it hurt that Kevin & I didn't make it, my breakup with cop#1 was my first real devastation. I cried so much. Everything I saw reminded me of him. It was the worst feeling ever. Things were going so well, and I was truly shocked that he called me on his way back home (after spending the night at my place) and broke up with me. Claimed we were in different places. After a few months we were reunited and our relationship, while not 'official' lasted another 2 years and more...all while he found a new girlfriend whom he moved in with, and eventually married & had children with. Believe it or not, we still keep in touch and I still think he is 'hot'. Having had my relationship with SI, I can tell you that Cop#1 was a much more physical relationship...the kind that you can barely keep your hands off of. The kind of hot & steamy sex you see in the movies.

First Time on an Airplane - Growing up, our family vacations were ones we could drive to, since there were 6 of us, it cost too much to fly. The first time I went on an airplane I went to San Diego California. My sister's job sent her there for a meeting so I flew by myself (she left a day before) and found the hotel all by myself, a huge accomplishment for me at the time - since I was only around 18. I was skinny back then, I remember thinking my butt lifted off the seat a little during take off. It was the strangest feeling, but I loved it.

First Time Public Speaking - Aside from school presentations and me being a loud-mouth at family functions, and being a tour guide at Monmouth, my first time speaking in public was in 2007. My company went on a lunch cruise around Manhattan celebrating our 25 year anniversary. The cruise needed someone to give a welcome speech, and I was elected. I had microphone in hand and spoke to the 150 so people on the boat. At the end of this month, I will be giving my first professional presentation.

First Time Out of the Country - Believe it or not, the first time I left the country was in 2003 when I went to China with my class from my MBA. I was so excited about getting my first passport and I dreamt about all the stamps that would be in there. My class went to Beijing and Hong Kong, and a group of us went to Macau for a few hours. It was truly and incredible experience and I would love to go back.

First Death of Someone Close - I was too young to remember my grandfather's passing. I went to wakes of my great aunts and uncles but it didn't bother me then. When my grandmother died, I was overwhelmed with heartache. Before her passing she fell and broke her hips and needed someone with her at all times. I went over a a few times a week to help her (mostly overnights) and then she eventually went into assisted living. I don't remember why she went back into the hospital, but it was for something routine. But she ended up dying of a blood clot in her leg. I remember being shocked and wretched with guilt because I did not go to the hospital the day before to visit. I was too wound up in my own life.

This was a great exercise in remembering. I challenge all of you to do the same! If I left out a major 'first' tell me and I'll be sure to add it!

One small step for singles, one GIANT leap for Denise

I've been trying to find things to do that I would enjoy. I find some, but then I never go since I'd have to go alone. It's funny because there are things I can do alone & enjoy - like going to the movies, sightseeing, eating at a restaurant (well, only when traveling - I haven't eaten in a restaurant by myself near where I live/work or even gone to a bar alone) but when it comes down to it, I'd like to know someone there. I know this is so crazy.

There was this rope course I wanted to do, but no one was available. That seemed more like you do it with the people you brought, social. So I passed. I have been a member of this single site for months now and haven't attended an event. Recently I took a look at the schedule and there lots of great activities. My problem most of the time is the expense, since I am broke. But there was one there that was cheap and sounded great. A scavenger hunt through NYC in teams of 4. 20 people max & afterwards they hope you stay for drinks at a bar. There is still room, and I keep thinking about it. Sure, it would be great to meet new people & it sounds like a ton of fun. But what if the three people on my team all know each other? I'd be the total odd person out. Also, what if everyone is super old or a complete ---?

I know I need to get over my fears of these things. So I think I am going to do it. I try to log in. My username and/or password are incorrect. I try my other password. Still not working. I log into my 'junk' email account. look it up. It works. I go to purchase, my debit card will not go through. Hmm, maybe I mis-typed a number. I try again. Still did not go through. I didn't want to have to put it on the credit card, but I try that, and it works. I was getting to the point where I was thinking it was a sign I shouldn't do it.

June 27th, here I come to going completely out of my comfort zone. Wish me luck.

Stir-fry

I subscribe to Prevention Magazine. It is actually quite a good little publication with hints & tips in health, exercise, food, etc. I also receive Everyday Food by Martha Stewart. I am constantly ripping pages out of the magazines that have good tips, recipes, or things to do. I have a collection of these ripped pages sitting in piles in my apartment. The recipes and food tips I keep together with my cookbooks and the others just collect in a file folder. Most of the time all these are never seen or looked at again.

When I am in the mood to cook, I normally stick with things I have already made, that I know is good. Occasionally when I want to try something new, I look for recipes online, completely ignoring my collected pile.

However, this month I decided to actually try one of these recipes that appeared in the July 2010 Prevention Magazine. A stir-fry. I really enjoyed this, so I thought I would share it with you. I did not follow the recipe exactly - I added/removed some of the veggies - but that is what is great about a stir-fry, it is totally customizable.

First, you will want to trim & cut your steak.
3/4 lb flank steak, halved lengthwise, sliced against the grain. You will add the beef to the following mixture and let it marinate for 15 minutes:
1 TB reduced-sodium soy sauce
1 TB dry sherry ( I didn't have this and used white wine instead? I am not sure if that is an acceptable substitute, but it still tasted OK)
2 tsp cornstarch
1 tsp sugar

Then I started prepping my veggies. The recipe calls for:

4 cup broccoli florets
1 red bell pepper, sliced in 1/4 inch strips
6 oz mushrooms - sliced
3 scallions - chopped
**i used broccoli, red pepper, zucchini, eggplant, baby corn, and an onion & I really didn't measure**

Heat large non-stick skillet or wonk over medium-high heat. Add 1 tsp oil. Swirl to coat. Add half the beef in a single layer and leave until seared, about 1 minute. Stir-fry beef until no longer pink, about 1 minute. Remove. Add 1 tsp oil and repeat with remaining beef.

Add remaining 2 tsp oil to the pan. Add broccoli, bell pepper, and mushrooms, stir-fry 2 minutes. Make a well in center and add white part of scallions, ginger (1TB minced), garlic (1TB minced) and pepper flakes (1/4 - 1/8 tsp crushed flakes). Stir-fry with vegetables 1 minute. Add 1/4 cup water and cover pan until broccoli is just done, about 3 minutes. If cooking in a wok, use a large lid, settling it right down into the wok, if necessary, to cover and steam vegetables.

Return beef to pan and add stir-fry sauce (see further down). Cook until sauce thickens slightly, 1-2 minutes. Sprinkle with scallion greens and serve.

Nutrition per serving (4): 271 calories, 23g protein, 17g carbs, 4g fiber, 12.5g fat, 3.5g saturated fat, 787mg sodium.

Classic stir-fry sauce: Whisk 2 tsp cornstarch into 1/2c reduced-sodium chicken broth, and then add 2 Tbs each oyster sauce and reduced-sodium soy sauce along with 2 tsp each sherry and sugar.

I served this over rice. Other options for creating your own stir-fry would include:

Protein - steak, pork, chicken, shrimp, scallops, fish, tofu
Vegetables - asparagus, peppers, cauliflower, cabbage, carrots, celery, zucchini, eggplant, green beans, mushrooms, onions, snow peas, snap peas, spinach, Swiss chard, bok choy
Extras - baby corn, bamboo shoots, water chestnuts, cashews/peanuts, Chile pepper, bean sprouts, sesame seeds

A less than ordinary day

It is Monday today; I wasn't prepared again this week. After my plans were cancelled Saturday night with BankBoy since I was in a bad mood from loosing my phone & I seriously can't handle his needy-ness and constant "why are you ignoring me" texts, I decided to go grocery shopping for the first time since my return from Mexico. Don't even ask how creative I have had to been with my food over the last 3 weeks...and yes, I did buy milk & eggs since then. The food selection at 9:30PM on a Saturday is horrible. There was one thing left of lettuce, mostly squishy peaches, no onions. Of course the fish department was closed. I decided on making a beef stir-fry and homemade calzone this week. I picked up some PB&J too - although I forgot some sort of bread.

Yesterday was so hot again...and it rained for all of THREE minutes. No hail. No tornado. No thunderstorm. No downpour. Just three minutes of heavy rain. My day ended when I got back home at 3:30 from a streetfair that I took 2 of my nieces/nephews to. Oh what to do with that time? I was super lazy. And I kept thinking -- I am never going to meet my future husband when I stay inside at 3:30 on a Sunday. Anyway. I made some pasta with chicken, broccoli and Parmesan cheese. I ate that at 3:30. I had some left over...but instead of saving it, I ate more of it at 5:30. There went my lunch. I won't even tell you the ridiculous hour I went to sleep last night...but I am pretty sure you'd either be really jealous or fall over laughing so hard.

So this morning I was not prepared for work. No lunch. Not sure what to wear. No book (the library is no closed on Sundays for the summer). I was on the train staring out the window doing NOTHING for an hour this morning. My commute home will be the same...but at least I can stop and pick up the three books on hold so tomorrow will hopefully go better. I just need to muster up the energy to make that stir-fry tonight.

When did I just give up on grocery shopping, cooking & caring in general about work? Why can't there be new shows on TV for the summer? I think, it might just be time to start looking for a new job. Maybe I'd have more motivation.

Almost too humid to eat

I don't trust the weathermen and I gave up listening/watching the weather some years ago. These days I always carry a small umbrella in my bag just in case and never really know how to dress before I leave for work in the morning.

Our weathermen has said severe thunderstorms starting this past Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and yesterday. It hasn't rained once. The only liquid dropping is all the sweat falling from our bodies.

The humidity is so bad. After a while, it is hard to want to do anything, including eat. But this morning I decided on a perfect solution...one that my mother let us have for dinner when we were kids. Waffles with ice cream. YUM.

Today the meteorologist is predicting not only severe thunderstorms again, but also hail and perhaps a tornado - depending on how sunny it is. I can't wait for the rain.

Do meteorologists actually learn to predict the weather in school - or do they just learn the proper terminology? Maybe I should look into this profession because clearly, being right has no bearing on keeping your job - how perfect is that?

solace in solitare

Hi, my name is Denise, and I am an addict. A spider solitaire addict that is. First let's talk about why this is so wrong for me. I HATE SPIDERS or all bugs for that matter.

My work computer (something older) and my home computer (windows 7) surprisingly have different versions of spider solitaire. At work I can not change my deck - I am stuck looking at cards with spiders on them :( and I can't undo more than what cards were dealt in a round. So playing from home is more ideal since I can undo the whole deck and essentially start each game from the beginning and it count only as one game - but honestly...I play a lot more at work.

I do not play for the best score, but just to win. I keep saying the score will matter more to me when I get better...but so far it hasn't. I usually play on medium, I've only played on hard two or three times - but did win my first game at that.

So, going back - I am an addict. In the summer it is so much worse. Work is slow so I sit at my desk and I play a game or two before I start my 'real' work. I usually close out when I win. But then at lunch I'll open it up again and start over. And throughout the day I open it when I am stressed or when I need a break, etc. Today I've played about 5 or 6 games. I won one earlier today - but reopened again to win another two. It is still early...so I may have to play a little later too.

If you haven't tried this game yet you should. It really gets you thinking. The cards are laid out in rows of 10. Simply put cards in numerical order from King to Ace. You can put the cards on any color - but be aware that to finish a sequence, the cards must be in the same suit. Medium uses two suits and hard uses all four & easy is just one (not much of a challenge). If you get stuck you can hit Ctrl M and it will show you possible moves. Ctrl Z is undo (but these are also on the drop down menu).

Seeing the fireworks when you win is always such a happy thing :) Good luck.

Don't Stop Believing

We start to develop some of our dreams early on. When we are young we dream about about summer vacations and passing school, what our profession will be or about our future families. When the game MASH fortold our future, we could normally accept the outcomes even if we did live in a shack. When we get older we still have many short term dreams but the job and the families stay in play until we are satisfied with what we have.

Sure, I finished school, went on to college, then went back for more school. About 20 years of my life was in school. That is a long time. I found a job...but its not THE job. Not the job you think about when you are young. Although, that job was just more of an illusion. I may have wanted to be a teacher or doctor or lawyer (all of which I am not) but you don't understand the type of work involved...so how can you really dream it?

Moving onto love. I have been criticized for wanting love, that at times I don't think I can be truly happy or whole with out it. However, those who criticize usually are the ones that have a spouse (and perhaps are not happy??). My dreams of being married are still there. That guy in my visions that enhances my life. It took a long time to get over SI (if I even am?) - way too long. In the last 4 years I have seen friends go from single to married; or single to moving in with a guy; or in relationship to breakup to new relationship. And my personal favorite a married girl who cheats on her husband with a 17 year old (among others) and then finds a new guy dates him, gets separated from husband so she can 'party' and gets pregnant by said new guy, moves in with him, divorced finalized, have baby. I get so annoyed when I hear about stories like that last one. I stopped looking for love and I tried dating people that weren't my type. And now once again, I say just don't care - I'd rather be alone than with all those wrong guys (after all that is when it is supposed to happen, right?) but secretly I do care. The more time that goes by, I know my chances diminish.

My apartment is cute, small but cute. However at times I feel like I am paying all this money to live in what might be considered the projects of my town. No No, it isn't that bad...not at all...BUT the building structure is so horrible - I can hear everything and my sleeping/health suffers from it. Some people in my building are so inconsiderate (which is normal), I live next to the train tracks so it is always way louder & dustier than it could be, and the teenagers that loiter in the middle of the night drive me crazy (yes it is my fault I like to have my windows open all year long). I love that I have my own place, but there is no way I can afford to move into my 'dream' home, or even a much lesser version of it. I can barely afford this place. I decided to stay local after the break up to be near my family - being depressed around them was hard...but imagine how much worse it would have been to be alone for the first time in years AND not know a soul somewhere else? I have dreamt about moving far away to help healing...but it doesn't seem worth it.

I don't have it bad by any means...there are so many less fortunate people out there. And I am always so full of emotion when you hear stories about how hard people try to make their life better and succeed having went from completely broke and living a good life.

But, I have to keep telling myself "Don't Stop Believing" and one day...you will find that guy, a great job, have a better apartment or even be financially secure. I have to stop looking at the huge picture and focus more on the little baby steps I've taken to have gotten as far as I have and the baby steps I will have to continue to take to get to where I want to be.

Thank you Journey for today's blog title.

credit check

I checked my credit recently. I wasn't worried about someone stealing my identity, but since you get one free credit report from each of the three credit reporting agencies, I figured why not? Last time I got it done was a little over two years ago when I bought my apartment.


https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp

I was very happy to see that my credit is good, but sad that I owe so much money. At least 82% of it is the mortgage, which is 'good'. But I would like to see these balances get smaller and smaller, but that will be in like 20 years. Until then, I'll have to reduce donating to the homeless on the street and try to explain that I am way more broke then they are.

booty call leads to alcoholism

So, I am sitting in my apartment drinking old wine...waiting for bank boy to come over for a booty call. Who am I? I have to say after my Mexican trip when I barely got laid, I've been horny. Am I crazy...bank boy? Anyway, I think the more important issue is that again I have to drink a little to casually hook up with someone. I know this is a huge problem, but I am more relaxed (key is to not drink too much) but it is a problem. I don't know what is worse.

My second award

How wonderful, I received my second blog award...this time for super comments. It is easy to comment on blogs that I enjoy and I have had a great time learning about my blog friend's lives. I currently only subscribe to a handful of blogs, but you may enjoy them as well...although many of them don't follow me (yet?).

Diary of a fickle white woman

Serenity Now!! Insanity Later

Known Associates

The Sassy Curmudgeon

Shelly's Musings

Oh, What the crap

30 and Starting Over

1. Why do you blog?
I blog because I need an outlet to vent. In high school i kept a diary. During my first break up I wrote 20 pages to get out my thoughts. I thought blogging would be my therapy since real therapy didn't work (I only tried one session).

2. What was your favorite age to be and why?
This is hard. I really enjoyed being young. 8-10...the summers were an eternity and we had a blast. No real responsibilities. As an adult I enjoyed 22-25, as I said the other day those were the happiest years of my life. But I hope my mid-thirties and early forties will be the best.

3. What's your favorite sport to play?
Haha. that is a funny question. Hmm, three-legged races? I am really good at that (well, I guess that depends on my partner). I enjoy swimming...but my family does not have a pool anymore, so I don't do that.

4. What is your favorite sport to watch?
I think I like basketball the best. There is a lot of action. My nephew plays baseball and basketball and I enjoy watching both of his sporting games, but basketball is more action packed. Of course I love March Madness. But I do not have a favorite team - I tend to root for the opposite team as my 'friend' or just pick one based on color/name/location.

5. If you could pick your perfect career (and money didn't matter) what would it be?
Hmm, if I knew this answer, then I would be working towards it. I really have no idea.

6. Do I ever feel guilty about blogging?
I don't feel guilty for getting my thoughts out there to my small following. But sometimes I do feel bad writing about people...but I try to use discreet nicknames and no pictures, so honestly only a handful of people would know who they are anyway...so No, I do not feel guilty.

7. What is your favorite holiday?
I love Thanksgiving.

8. What is your favorite kind of music?
That is hard, I like a lot of different kinds of music. I love some 80s, sappy love songs, angry woman songs, pophits, oldies, etc.

9. Do you consider a good or bad driver?
I would have considered myself a good driver a few years ago. I don't really drive much now, not having a car...but I am going to start to look for one. I am definitely on the better end of the spectrum. In this area there are some HORRIBLE drivers.

10. What is the farthest place you have visited?
I took an international business class for my MBA and elected to take the Asian business strategies and we took a 10 day trip to China. We spent a few days in Beijing and a few days in Hong Kong. A few of us also took a few hour trip to Macau. I can't wait till I can afford to travel to more places.

Who gets a rose? The bachlorette

I am not a loyal viewer of the bachelor/bachelorette. I've actually only seen 1 1/2 seasons.; but I have some issues with it. After watching last season with Jake, I could tell how in love both girls were with him, I wondered how is that a good thing? Essentially both ladies lived together, both ladies were dating the same guy, and in the end he picks one. Imagine for a moment that type of competition, that type of jealousy, and that type of lust. Imagine sharing someone you care about with someone else...and being OK with it for a while. Maybe it hits home too much with me but how is a show about finding love AND heartbreak a good thing? Sure it worked for 2 of the 26 people originally involved, but what about the rest? Sure some of them aren't there long enough to develop feelings - but others are.

This isn't going to stop me from watching this season of the bachelorette, as there is little TV to watch in the summer (I have basic TV), and I am rooting that Ali finds a great guy. Some of her choices seem really cute/nice and after only two hours I've picked those that I am rooting for.

• Here is who I am NOT rooting for: Craig M (seems too arrogant), Jonathan (seems so sketchy and reminds me of Tom Cruise in a bad way), Craig R, Frank (at first I liked him, but he seems a little too...whats the word?)
• About the first impression roses: Justin has a great smile & sure I agree I don't like his profession but that is no reason to say he was there for the wrong reason. Roberto seems sweet, but I don't think he is right - too suave.
• Here is who I think has potential: Chris H, Chris L, Jesse, John C(?), Ty, Justin, Kirk...and she eliminated one or two I would have kept a tad bit longer.

The Doppelganger haunting of SI

I had a sad day today. Perhaps it is hormones and lack of sleep or perhaps I am just depressed again. For some reason I can't stop thinking about my past. More specifically the guy that broke my heart. I know those of you that know me are shaking your head in disapproval that this is still an issue. But yes, the reality is that everyone has days like this - and days where they wish their life was different.

How I Met Your Mother has had episodes about doppelgangers, and in season 5, show 24, Ted said that everyone has a doppelganger of themselves. My issue would seem that the doppelganger of SI is the one that haunts me. I was so I love with this guy. Perhaps it was because it was my first love, perhaps it was because I had nothing else to compare it to. But the original version of him that I know of (2002-2005) was the one I can't seem to escape. It was such an ideal relationship, it was so easy, so perfect for a long time. It was everything I wanted. Especially after being on dates with other people...that is when you realize how good something was even if it was bad.

I should hate SI for what he did to me, I know that. But I don't. And for a while I tried really hard to make it work. And would have taken him back in a heartbeat if he asked in a convincing way and made those small gestures to show he was willing to work on gaining trust back. In a few months we will technically be broken up as long as we were together (2 of those years I wouldn't really consider broken up, but technically that is when I moved out)...which is way to long to be haunted by this.

So why now? I was doing really well for a while. And I guess it come down to that Memorial day is the start of the summer. The summer is a time for love and activities. Summer was always such an amazing part of the year, and I realized that I will be alone again. I don't have enough friends to hang out doing things I like. And it hurts me to assume (yes, I know that makes and ass out of you and me) that he is happy and probably married with a kid...even though last I talked to him a few months ago he denied it, but then again, he lied to me about pretty much everything for a while so who knows what to believe. Sure, I can do some Internet stalking to find out...but honestly I couldn't handle the reality.

I know that the guy I loved isn't the guy that broke my heart and isn't the guy he is now (a few doppelgangers in there). Although, the guy now is very similar just to my original version. And I know there is no way things can ever go back. But I have thought of how different my life would have been. Do you ever look around at all your old friends on facebook and wonder how they seemed to have been 'luckier' in attaining their hopes and dreams. The girl who was on the larger size and awkward and never had a boyfriend is suddenly married with several kids. Or the once super shy boy who has now traveled the world and has an amazing job. Somehow I thought I would end up in the same boat, not left behind watching everyone and secretly being jealous that things worked out for them. So far the only person who wants to end up like me is my eight year old niece, she told her mother that she wants to be like me because "I don't live with my parents even though I am a kid. I can do what I want when I want".

I know things aren't always what they appear and they could be miserable...but at least they had those opportunities. The grass may be greener on the other side, but I've been on both sides and I really prefer the side I am not on. That is saying a lot because one year with that guy was hell and I'd still take that over this.

Now, if only I can develop some sort of eye puff reducer then at least I'd be set financially :) Hopefully by writing this, and getting my sadness out, I can have a better day tomorrow and enjoy the summer.

Heigh ho, heigh ho - it's off to work we go

I was sitting here trying to decide if I should apply for a part time job. The job would most likely be super low paying working nights & weekends. I've been struggling with this decision for months but today I came very close to applying for it. I feel like I am too old to have to work two jobs - I should be able to just get away working one decent job and manage to survive on that one alone. For some reason, that doesn't seem to be working out, I am getting by, but just barely watching the credit card slowly creep up.

I have free time right now. Lot's of it. I should work and make good use of that time instead of finding new hobbies...but the main goal is to find a man. To do that, I can't be working all the time. I need time to date. :) sounds horrible right? Yeah, it is. And no, I don't think Mr. New Man will be found at the part time job.

I don't know why I have an easier time looking for a part time crap job then finding a replacement full time job. It could be that I still don't know what I want to do with my life. AND for some reason I would feel guilty leaving my job. They have been really wonderful and it isn't so bad...but the pay sucks. I remember about 2 years ago, I had a client come into the city and my boss was talking to him. He is telling her how he would love to move back to New York City but it is too expensive. She agrees with him and says 'but Denise wouldn't know, she lives in Westchester not the city' and my mouth dropped. HELLO lady -- Westchester is super expensive...especially when you live alone. Mind you she is 'old' and lives in a rent stabilized apartment and is the owner of the company -- so she is NOT struggling.

After three months I have finally updated my resume, but when I look at it I am still not happy. I do a lot of miscellaneous things at work, and have a hard time making it sound good. Starting a new job is scary...and I worry that I would regret my decision...but I suppose a higher salary when I can actually afford groceries and a car and pay off my credit card would be good regardless.

Oh, who knows.

Early Bird

After my breakup with SI 4 years ago, I temporarily moved back in with the parents. Well, what defines temporary? I was there for about 2 years and it was even updated on my license. Anyway - living with your folks again is hard. They both worked in the school system and were home early. Everyday when I got home, dinner was ready - at 5:30pm. Of course I started eating that early with them. Now another two years later...and I am still starving at 5:30. When I get home, if I don't eat right away, I get all crazy. If I have plans later that evening...I have to snack. It is really bad. I am probably the youngest person on a senior citizen eating schedule - now only if I could get the discounts on the food.

Summer Fridays & NYC

So, as a friend pointed out to me, I work in Manhattan. Not that it was a shock to me...but I get up take the train, go to work and leave to go home...just like many of you. I work in Manhattan and I don't realize it and certainly don't take advantage of it.

Every year we get summer hours. We work an extra 1/2 hour on Thursdays and then 5 hours on Friday and get to leave a little early. It is nice to get home about 2 hours earlier...but in the last 4 years I have not done anything 'special' with that free time. My first summer, it rained EVERY Friday...and I know this because I always wanted to go to the town pool, but when I got off the train it was raining. The following year I was living back with my parents and just sad. I don't remember those 2 years too much...but I know that nothing special happened.

So, that leaves me with this year. My year of change and trying new things. I know I am a little 'behind' schedule on the finding yourself thing - but better late than never. I would love to hear what you non-new york citiers would do in the big apple for a few hours.

Trip Firsts

Yeah, it's Friday, the last day of my trip themed blog. I was starting to worry I wouldn't have anything else to write about today.

This trip marked some firsts for me:

• First time traveling with a guy that I was very casually dating
• First time at an all-inclusive resort
• First time I spent a night in Mexico
• First time I sat in an airplane row with extra leg room
• First time as an adult, being in public wearing a bikini
• First time I got so badly sunburned my face was swollen for 2 days and am disgustingly peeling (credit to all you super light skinned people who endure this all the time)
• First time unintentionally mooning everyone in the pool
• First time being fish-hooked
• First time on a vacation where I did nothing
• First time I swung on a swing drinking beer
• First time I wore a strapless bra
• First time I drank Mexican beer (that's right - I'm a bud light drinker. I do not drink Coronas: however that is all this place had on tap. I did drink that and then in town I tried Modelo, Sol, Leon and Pacifico)

Should I bother with my list of lasts? Nah, I think you got the hint already.

When I turned my phone on after landing, bankboy texted me when we getting together...and I was actually debating it.

Anyway, it was GREAT to get away. I really enjoyed the sun and the time to de-stress. My Feb-April was super stressful and this was well needed. It was not, by far, my ideal trip, but it did the job.

How to ditch a girl in 96 hours

Most of us ladies should have seen the romantic comedy How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey. I have a crush on Matthew - he is so NOT my type, but he has nice hair and makes cute facial expressions. Anyway, today's post is based in part on this movie. For those of you who haven't seen it - the gist of it is that Matthew's character has a bet with two female co-workers that he can make a woman fall in love with him, if he wins he gets some Ad job. Kate's character is writing an article about how to lose a guy in 10 days, if she wins - she gets to write better stories at her job. So while Matthew is trying so hard to get Kate to fall in love, Kate is doing things to annoy Matthew so much that she hopes he'd back off and end the romance.

So without further ado, here is my how to ditch a girl in 96 hours:

• Blatantly check out every single female around AND comment to me about how hot they are and/or that you want to 'tap that'
• More than three times in a day, suggesting to others that I can be swapped
• Laugh-snort at me when I ask if you'd like to have sex
• Constantly telling people I am too nice, after a while it is just constant reminder of a flaw
• Intentionally ignoring me
• Opening the car door before the car stops to drop me off and then tires spinning as you speed off
• Its ok if you complain about something, but if I did, it is not acceptable
• Annoyed at the fact I am not an alcoholic and can not drink from 10 am - 10 pm. I suppose I am more of a binge drinker. I'd rather drink more in a shorter period of time and get tipsy/drunk than to spend the whole day drinking and perhaps fall asleep too early.
• Endlessly talking about an ex-wife but yet if I bring up a time/story from an old relationship - I am not over it, need to move on and carry too much baggage...but its OK for you since you were married - because a relationship of 6-7 years apparently means it isn't serious and I wouldn't understand
• Every time you fart (which was often) you tell me you 'shit your pants'
• Hoping & praying to find others to talk to so you don't have to talk/look at me
• Not offering to rub sunscreen on my back
• Incessantly talk about your child. Sure, I love children and don't mind some talk, however there is a limit on this
• Walking so far in front of me, that I wonder if you'll leave me in the airport parking lot
• Not asking the gal questions after she has asked you a few. Conversation focused solely around you
• Constantly pointing out to other men how large my breasts are

Do any two maybe three of these things, and I can get the hint EASILY. There is no need to do them all. Guys gotta realize that excessive behavior is a major turnoff anyway. And MAYBE just maybe, we are sitting there, thinking the exact same thing as you, but we are handling it a lot better by silently laughing to ourselves hoping the trip will end.

I try not to judge a book by its cover - in fact, I've been trying to open up to new ideas. BUT there is a reason why we need to trust our guts and first impressions seem to be right.

Airport Blues

As many of you know, international travel is very time consuming. Three hours of waiting in the airport waiting to board a plane is tough. We were very lucky that the line to get through security in Mexico was super fast. It was very nice to keep my shoes on while walking through the metal detector and not have to worry about all the germs from every one's bare feet...I mean, after all it is the summer, I wasn't wearing socks.


Next came the trek through the terminal to find the gate. A little browsing here and there and then popped a squat. A little reading? Some music? Talk to my travel partner? Nope, I decided I needed to text a friend internationally - goodness knows how much that will be - to sort out some stuff. I eventually popped in the earpods and proceeded to people watch. It couldn't be more perfect -- as much as I have traveled for work (about 3 times a year) I NEVER once thought about where to sit to do this. I have always hoped that maybe I'd meet a cute guy on the plane or in the airport, but I still have not. Generally all the guys at my gate aren't even attractive & mostly women end up next to me. It just so happened that my gate was near the men's rest room. I spent the next few hours watching all the men enter and leaving their rest room. There were only about 5 guys that were good looking - but I guess it was better than none. If anything, I learned a lesson - at the airport, make sure to sit near the men's bathroom because at least I'll have a distraction. Now I just need to work on that I'm available for a chat look.


What was interesting was to have the initial security line move faster, we had our bags hand checked at the gate. This took a while, but I had no problem getting through. Both this time and one other time at security I was NOT patted down. Once in a while, a girl wants a pat down from the good looking security guard...after all, we like strong guys and fantasize about a little steamy action that follows the pat down (sure, I watch too much unrealistic TV & movies) but that never-happened pat down would have turned me on more than the rest of the trip. Maybe next time.

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt - so sexy it hurts

Packing for my trip was hard, I put a lot of thought into clothes that would be light and summery that look decent on me...after all, I was going away with a guy (see this post to find out why), they like that kind of effort. I even ordered a bikini from a store in Europe - which came in just in time.

I was very self conscience about the possibility of wearing a bikini. I haven't worn one since high school, when I didn't realize what a knock-out body I had back then...but now, that is something that shouldn't be done, for courtesy of the other people. My first day there was a half day, so I wore a black tankini...and I realized I was practically the only person covering so much of my body. Next day I decided to attempt the bikini, I did not feel comfortable not covering up...but I saw a lot worse bodies than mine (and a lot better).

The resort had a large population of Canadians and Europeans - and I know the Europeans wear speedos, but I am not used to seeing so many in such a small area. Big guys and fit guys and even little kids...so really, my bikini was OK in the grand scheme of it all.

My keratin hair treatment did not seem to work well in the humidity. I was informed not to go into salt or chlorine water -- but why else would I want to get the treatment done? Mostly for the summer humidity by the ocean. I tried to straighten my hair each night - but it seemed to be pointless as it just curled up and frizzed out of control. No wonder my 'friend' couldn't keep his eyes off of every other lady there.

Grand Riviera Princess in Playa del Carmen

I just got back from a weekend away in Mexico. This was my first all-inclusive resort trip and I was very impressed by the vastness of it. We stayed at the Grand Riviera Princess in Playa del Carmen which was about 35 minutes from the airport. We walked in the lobby and right away I was amazed with all the openness and the grandness of everything.

Our room was on the first floor - and had a small porch which went into the pool river which was a nice extra. There were so many pools and lounge chairs to choose from (the resort was not at full capacity - but even if, I am sure there would have been plenty of room) that it was never an issue about where to go. I also have to comment on how attentive and nice the staff was - and excellent job!

The resort has many pools and fountains - everywhere you looked, you saw water. For an extra relaxing feeling, they have these huts that jut out a little over the water but you stay cool under the shade.

The weather was perfect - I am rocking a nice burn & tan, and I even applied sunscreen many times throughout the day but I think that since I didn't let it absorb before entering the water that it probably did not work. My face is also swelling up, not sure if it is sun poisoning or an allergic reaction to something. The ocean was also perfect - my first time in WARM water with a slight rolling waves. Normally I can't stay in the ocean water for long periods of time, but since it was so pleasant, it was not a problem. There were some really nice people there, that I hope to keep in touch with.

The resort wasn't too far from downtown and had such a quaint but fun feeling to it. The main few roads are closed to vehicular traffic which made walking to the stores, restaurants and bars so easy. There was every type of restaurant imaginable - one night we ate at an Asian fusion place...and sat in a tree house - talk about atmosphere! Some of the bars had swing chairs which was fun as well. It was a relaxing stroll looking and taking in everything.

This is definitely a place I would return back to and part of me is a little upset it took me so long to travel that way. I am looking forward to starting to think about where I can go next.

OK, that is enough of a 'review'. I'll try to post something every day this week about the trip, a mini theme.

**Thanks to Nadine for some of these great pictures**

Top 10 Top 10

I thought I'd spend today coming up with a top-10 list...but not knowing what to list, I started to find some really neat Top 10s that I thought I would share instead. So here are my top 10 favorite top 10's I read today:

Places you don't want to visit --> enough said, I want to see them NOW...
Misconceptions of common sayings --> Oh, so that is what that means
Unsual weather phenominema --> actually the pictures are really great
Worst logos --> if these dont make you laugh, I don't know what will
Easy arithmetic tricks --> Who doesn't love a short cut?
Bizzare tourist attractions --> Good, other people more crazy than me
Facinating facts about cheese --> I LOVE cheese, enough said
Bizzare food festivals --> who doesn't like a celebration of food
Wrongly attributed inventors --> always good to know for trivia
Most disturbing novels --> I read a lot, so I might have to try some of these

Thoughtless Tuesday

I've been sitting here a while thinking about what to write today, but nothing is coming to mind. I was scanning some blogs, looking at pictures and thought I'd share a billboard I saw in North Carolina - The first billboard I saw I was hysterical laughing - did I read that right? But of course we flew by it and just hoped to see another...so I had the camera ready just in case...and sure enough we passed about 5 more.

Back-Up Plan

Yesterday my sisters & I took my mom & grandma to the movies for Mother's Day. We saw the backup plan with Jennifer Lopez. I was a little nervous since my grandmother is super religious/conservative, but she laughed and enjoyed the movie.

I sat there thinking that might be me in a few years. I had 2 back-up husbands, you know the ones "If we are not married by 30, we marry each other". But both found someone and are still married. Sure there is Bank Boy who won't leave me alone, but I refuse to settle too far, a little settling is OK, but there is a line.

Got me thinking, what will my back up plan be? My posts from last week included adoption...but I have also thought about being pregnant. Adoption might be the better of the two.

I have thought about what kind of sperm I wanted. Last year, I asked my super ex boyfriend (cop #1 - and super because it was 2 ex's ago -- not because he was amazing) if he'd let me have his sperm since he was incredibly good looking. He said no. At the time he was married with one kid, and his wife pregnant with the second and he didn't think the world needed another one of his children around. I tried to explain I wouldn't ask anything of him, just that when we had sex, maybe he forgot the condom. I could get pregnant and he wouldn't even know since we wouldn't be talking in 6 months. After all, what would he care: He was married and wouldn't be involved. There went that idea - back to thinking about sperm banks.

Two weeks ago, I asked my sisters if they'd help/be supportive of me if I end up a single mom. Of course they said yes, but I could see one doesn't think I'll end up single...the other one looked like she might believe it be my only option...that is if I want kids at all.

I should start thinking about what age I will stop waiting for the 'what if' and make something happen for myself.

Hair Removal

Sophomore year high school, I liked this kid Frank. He was 'going out' with my neighbor at the time, but like most high school romances it only lasted a month or so. Before I knew about the 'code' I too started dating this kid. We were making out on my bedroom floor when he tells me my mustache is thicker than his. OUCH. Needless to say that relationship did not last long.

I am mortified - sure I have lots of dark hair, but I never realized it was an issue...the joys of growing up. I started bleaching my mustache, but there was still a bit of hair. Traumatized my mom sets out finding an electrolysis. We find some Indian lady doing it out of her basement and a very reasonable rate. I endure 15-30 minute sessions once a week 3 months and then twice a month for a few more months and then every 3 weeks or a month for a while after that. After about a year, I was pleased with my results...all the hair on my lip GONE. I was about 15 or 16, and this process HURT. I won't lie, a needle was inserted into your skin for every hair follicle and then buzzed with an electrical current. Almost every session I lay there with tears streaming down my face, left with small welts that I had to ice for a while which then vanished by the next day. I dreaded going there but happy all at once.

Three or four years after that I decided to have laser hair removal on my sideburns and cheeks. This was very expensive but at least I only went for about 6 sessions. My face actually looked OK and I was not no longer embarrassed since you couldn't see any more dark hair.

In the mean time I started waxing my eyebrows at my at the time boyfriends request - he didn't think I should have a uni-brow bigger than his...(OK OK, it wasn't THAT bad, but my eyebrows were thick). Occasionally I also waxed 'down there' at his request as well.

About 9 years later I noticed more hair sprouting up on my face. I have to say that the laser and electrolysis worked for a long time - but then feared doing this again now that I was older. Last night I had my first electrolysis appointment, and I was scared. I was happy to see that the technology has gotten better (and with that the price was 3 times more than what I paid 10 years ago). Although you can feel every insertion at least I didn't shed a tear. I'll go back for the occasional clean up, which won't be as bad, something I can tolerate.

I would love, as posted yesterday, to start laser hair removal for my underarms and bikini line...but that is a long time away since I do not have the money for that.

In a world that seems to be falling apart every day - I feel guilty that I find the need to be so vain in my appearance...but then again, that is the one thing that will help me land a future husband, so the investment is worth while.

A dollar and a dream

Every week my office sends around an email to participate in the lottery. You enter for $5 and then depending on who is playing, all that money is put towards tickets. I played for a few months, and then decided it wasn't worth it. This past Tuesday the office was buzzing - they were winning this time...and I told the boss, I hope you don't because I will be the only one in the office tomorrow. (turns out 3 of us don't play, so I wouldn't have been alone). They won $7.

But it always gets you thinking - what would you do if you won the lottery? I keep saying how broke I am, so this is something I think about a bit - but since I don't play, I know dreams of coming into money is slim. I wouldn't be super greedy and want to win the 300 million...I would be very happy with a measly 15 million dollars (after taxes).

So what would I do?
* Breast Reduction
* Laser Hair Removal
* Sell my small condo & buy a nice townhouse
* Save 8 million so I can live off the interest without having to work
* Put 1 million away for each of my future children
* Help my family (maybe pay off their mortgage or help with their kid's education)
* Buy a car
* Donate some to a good cause
* Pay off my student loans, maybe go back to school for something else

"flash" back

Today I was chatting with Bank Boy about my hesitation to ever see him again. We were chatting about my insecurities and I realized it may have all started back in high school.

Who doesn't like attention? I liked attention from boys, but it got out of hand. I was in the 11th grade and high school was the worst place for me; I was constantly tortured and teased by the junior & senior boys because I had huge boobs (and I was skinny back then). I didn't understand what sexual harassment was -- and actually didn't learn that term until 2 years later. The boys would leave messages on the house answering machine that my parents would hear that would thank them for blessing me with succulent breasts that they can stare at all day and hope to play with. My parents heard these messages. Humiliating. One day it became too much to handle, and I wanted to end it. The boys had repeatedly asked if I'd flash them, I always said no. Then this particular day, I said OK. We were at lunch, and we went outside (me & the 3 or 4 seniors). I lifted up my shirt for all of 5 seconds. Bra stayed on. Before the school day was out 95% of the school heard about this & nicknamed me flash. I didn't go to school for the rest of the week - I was ashamed and embarrassed...but eventually a month later, people just stopped talking to me. I lost a few friends...but I didn't care. My senior year was only 4 periods & I worked...I just couldn't wait to go away to college and leave those people.

College was better, but guys just assumed with a body like mine, I was a slut. In fact when the complete opposite was true. I was too scared to do much because I knew it was for the wrong reasons. In college, I was super drunk one night that flashed a lot of guys at a frat party - which of course involved alcohol. My sorority sisters didn't like it one bit - and I apologized in a letter for my behavior - but I also questioned why flashing was deemed worse that all their casual sex with the frat boys. I ended up quitting the sorority a month later.

Sex was a big deal back then - and while I didn't partake in those activities, the treatment I received from guys in high school and college was enough to damage me. Many times men were only interested in me for my unusually large chest to say they saw them or touched them. Maybe it became contests. Because of this, I had a hard time trusting anyone and understanding why someone would want to be with me for me.

Sometimes it isn't a matter of getting over it - but it is more of accepting who you are and new people aren't those kids who made your life hell. The feelings never go away -- because so many guys are assholes and their behavior still goes with everything I just discussed. I will probably always have insecurities about my body and trust issues but when you find someone you like enough, those feelings get put on the back burner.

Make new friends & keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold

Its been about 13 years since I graduated from high school. Once I went to college, I tried to keep in touch with 3 good friends. That of course didn't last long and we went our own ways. Out of the blue a friend contacted me to get together, of course I am used to saying sure and them not following through but this one did. I have to admit I was a little nervous - it is like hanging out with someone brand new, sure you HAD a connection when you were younger but everything changes and maybe you don't remember very much.

I had another engagement that evening - and told said friend they could met me there and we'd decide what to do. As I was telling my cousins about this - they assumed, like me, that this get together could be a date. My sister on the other hand - did not think so - but then again she is married and naive about singlehood. I had to try my best to make the evening not like a blind date (I say blind date because, what do you really know about someone after 13-14 years?). I downed two beers and just let the night happen.

I actually had such a fabulous night - we stayed there. I laughed so much and my friend chatted with my cousins & sister so well. I do not remember much about high school - but I know why I was friends with this kid, he is truly such a nice/warm person. I was the party pooper and couldn't keep my eyes open and just passed out on the couch around 1:30-2am. I think it it is safe to say we just hung out. As we were leaving at 2:30 - we did say we'd get together again...and I do think we will.