homesickness in waiting

I was sitting at the Easter lunch table reflecting on my family and how well we all get along.  Then I realized that was the last holiday I would be spending with them for a while.  While I will make an effort to come home for holidays, flights are usually at a premium and I may need to postpone my holiday visits, which means I'd' see my immediate family more than my extended family.

I've been very lucky that growing up I had a great relationship with my (extended) family, so that is one of the biggest downfalls of relocating for me, missing out of spending time with family.  

Then I remembered the homesickness I felt when I went to college.  I'd call to check in with the family and heard them all having a great time at a party or all the fun they'd be having. I hung up the phone more sad then when I called thinking about everything I was missing.   When I was in college, my first nephew was born.  Now I have lots of nieces and nephews who I've spent a lot of time with and one on the way, I like to think we have special bonds...and I'll be leaving them.  I think they are going to go through Denise-withdrawal too because I've gone to science fairs, sports games, birthday dinners, played board games, watched movies, played at the park, had sleep overs and even started giving driving lessons.  I hope that in a few years the kids will want to come visit, with their parents or alone.  I can be the aunt they spend summers or winter break with.

Homesickness will be something I'll have to struggle with for a while, but in the end, like everything, I'll get used to it.

contract signing

I left work a little early to sign the papers for the closing.  As it is early April, we are targeting an end of May closing.  Considering this whole process started the first week of February, I am anxious to get this done.

I arrived at my attorney's office; this was the first time I met him.  We went into the conference room and he took out the papers and pointed where to sign.  He explained some of the terms and the requests from the buyers and what he was going to allow and what he is rejecting.  It all sounded great and reasonable.  I signed where I needed to without reading every word and hoped the two months would go by quickly.

Oh, I have a dog

My apartment listing was clear that all pets required approval by the Board.  After I accepted the buyer's offer and stopped showing the apartment but before they signed the contract, I was told they had a dog.  The rules of the building are vague when it comes to dogs, so I reached out to the Board to tell them the offer I got was for a guy with a dog...would they consider it?  I go back to my broker to ask about the dog, the size, the breed, the weight.   A few days later I get a response and I go back to the Board.  They all OK it.

That night, I was at bookclub and my friend's husband is on the Board.  The gals were asking about the progress and I told them I could move forward with this because the Board approved the dog that afternoon!  One lady asked what kind of dog it was, so I responded it was a doberman-rottweiler mix.  The wife of the Board member flipped out saying there was no way the dog was under 40 pounds, there is no way I can sell to these folks.  The next morning, the Board rescinded their approval.

Unsatisfied with that because I want to sell the place, I ask my broker if the buyers can send a picture and something from the vet stating its size.  A few days later I get this information and send to the Board asking them to but their assumptions to the side, and to review what I sent, and I am the one that suggested a 'dog interview' since the buyer insisted the dog didn't bark and was very well behaved.  The Board must have deliberated this for 2-3 weeks.  There was so much back and forth between them (and I president of the Board for 3 years not that long ago!) and between me.

I thought I brought up good points.  As a non-dog person, dogs in the apartment bother me.  The little dogs bark quite a bit, but yet, they are under the 25 pound rule.  When I asked about this 25 pounds, where it says there is a weight limit...no one could find it, it was just something they felt appropriate for the size of the apartments.  Understandable, but clearly not a deal breaker.  So then I ask about the barkiness of the dog. Here we have a big dog that doesn't bark...are they really not going to allow that in favor of another small one that will?  And what about the few people that claimed they didn't know about the dog rule and got a dog without permission, the Board allowed them to keep it!  And here we have someone following the rules, what happens if he didn't, would he have been allowed to keep it if no one complained?  And lastly they were concerned about the breed.  A stereotype indeed.  Not all dogs of a certain breed behaved the same way.  Meet the dog, you'll get a good idea of its personality.  Like I said, I had these conversations over and over again for weeks.

Finally, it was decided one Board member would meet the dog.  A day/time was set.  I happened to follow up and was told the day/time was for that evening...hmm, did they call the buyer? They don't have the information.  Woops, the Board forgot to check his schedule!  So we had to reschedule for the following week.

It was a March Madness game night.  I told the buyer to come 10 minutes early or so, so the dog could get familiar with the apartment prior to the interview.  Last thing I wanted was for it to bark or jump because of the new surroundings.  The buyer and his real estate agent arrived 30 minutes early.  Now, I am not a small talk person.  But here we all are in my apartment and I tried hard to make them feel comfortable.  The dog was unbelievably well behaved.  Not one peep or jump or anything.  It made me consider for a moment that having a dog like that would be a great thing.

Eventually the Board member showed up.  He was the most resistant to allowing the dog but yet, he also had a non-barking bigger dog so I was not sure why he was so against this.  He was in the apartment for all of 5 minutes.  Met the dog asked a few question to the owner.  Then left.

The buyer and the agent must have felt comfortable enough because they said another 15 minutes.

A hurdle was overcome.  A three to four week delay...but now things could start to move along.  Now we can sign the contract.

inspection takeback

The buyers decided they wanted an inspection, and after all the back and forth between the two offers a whole week passed, I said yes of course.   I doubted the inspection would turn up anything alarming and I wanted to be as accommodating as possible to make this transaction move along.

They had the inspection the following day, and sure enough nothing came up that would make them decide against purchasing so it was time to sign the contract.

the offer

I had a couple look at the apartment a few times, they were considering purchasing it as an investment by renting it out.  But time kept passing and I never heard back.  They were also purchasing an apartment in Manhattan and that took priority.  A few months later they resurfaced and looked at the apartment an additional two or three times.  I was so happy they were still interested and I figured an offer would come soon.

It did.  But it was extremely low.  My real estate agent even told them I wouldn't accept their first offer, they had to do better before she even contacted me.  Bonus point for my agent.  For about a week we negotiated, they were not going to come up to where I needed, so I started to crunch numbers to see if I could go as low as their maximum offer.  I'd still walk away with some cash, but not as much as I would have liked...but then again, I'd save some of that money after closing which would help put a small dent in the difference.

But before the contract was signed, I had another showing and they did not leave any feedback.  My agent called them to ask if they were interested because I had an offer.  Turns off they were interested, they also submitted an offer at asking price.

Asking price would have been great!  Their offer letter also stated no inspection would be necessary.  Aside from the more money, what I liked about offer #2 was that the person was going to live in the building and not rent it.  Since I lived there and was on the Board, I know the importance of not having too many renters. I accepted this second offer.

selling the apartment

Eight years ago after I breakup, I considered moving far away, but I realized I was sad and needed my family more, so I moved near them and bought a condo.  Three years ago, I was doing a lot better and again thought about moving far away.  I applied to jobs in all locations, and decided to rent my apartment so if these far away places contacted me, I could leave quickly and accept the job.  I ended up taking a job in NYC.  When my tenant left, I listed it the apartment for sale but moved back in after a few months because it looked better with furniture.

Having a place on the market while living in it, as many of you know is a lot of work.  Before I left for work everyday, I walked around the apartment to straighten it up and then in the evenings I would dust, clean, wash dishes, etc.  The apartment was always immaculate just in case someone decided to stop by to look at it. 

The apartment generated some traffic, but I didn't have any biters until February, and then I had two.  There were pros and cons with each, and in the end I chose the buyer that offered more money but I spent hours for a few weeks working on getting his pet approved by the Board, delaying everything by 3-4 weeks.  We signed the contract in April and hope to have a late May closing.  

Selling this apartment means a lot to me, not only because it gives me the freedom to move wherever, but also because of what this apartment symbolized.  The apartment was purchased in heartache and was good for me to live alone and be independent; heal from that sadness and emptiness.  In the end the apartment is sold in heartache because it reminds me of ManFriend and all the time we spent here together.  While the apartment was a constant in my life for six years, it is time for those memories to fade even more as both of those men are out of my life forever.

it melted my heart

I was sleeping/resting in a king size bed with my eight year old nephew.  We had a really late night so when I heard him talk, I wasn't sure if he was talking in his sleep or was awake.  He said "I love you Aunt Denise" and then fell right back to sleep.  I told him I loved him too, and brushed the top of his hair.  It was the sweetest thing. Moments like that, I am so grateful for the wonderful relationships I have with my nieces and nephews and that they appreciate it.

Portland

I had a work meeting in Portland, OR. I was looking forward to getting away for a few days, even if it did mean long days.

Chocolate Mousse

My first day there, after my meeting, I met up with Mountain Man and his friends for dinner.  We went to Ringside Fish House, where I had an amazing meal.  We  had a few drinks, split oysters and I had the rockfish, and split the chocolate mousse.  And then we were flirting.  Since we got there much later than his friends...they all left and it was just him & I eating our entrees.  We walk back to the hotel, and I made the executive decision to go to his room.

VooDoo Doughnuts

The next day I had off, and ventured to Voodoo Doughnuts.  I am not a huge doughnut fan, but everyone was talking about them.  Since Mountain Man was going to be hungover, I figured I'd get some doughnuts for when he woke up.  But the problem was what kind to get???  I didn't just want to get a regular one, I wanted something weird, and there was plenty to chose from.  I also don't know what kind of sweets Mountain Man likes, aside from that he doesn't like peanuts/peanut butter.  I keep him waiting because, well, of course there is a line...not bad, only 40 minutes.  Was it worth it? I don't really know.  They were OK...if there was a sign like DisneyWorld that said "wait time from here 40 minutes" I probably would not have waited.  But it all worked out...so I was late, but he was hung over and off to a slow start.  We caught part of the Portland Rose Festival before picking up the rental car.




We headed out to Seaside and Cannon Beach, about a 90 minute drive.  A beautiful ride through the forest to get there, we had a quick bite at The Crabby Oyster (clam chowder was lumpy and was worse tasting than campbell's, the shrimp on a skewer were OK, but not worth the $15 price tag, and even worse was the crab cake melt, which not only looked disgusting, but didn't taste that good either).


The coast was beautiful.  We spent a few hours walking the seaside beach and then decided to visit Cannon Beach, we were hoping to find some rocks/pools of water, but it was just another beautiful beach.

We walked, we skipped sand dollars into the water, we sat in the sand.  The water was too cold to go in for a swim, but of course we went in up to our knees.  It was such a relaxing day, I felt a million miles away from all the stress.

 Mountain Man had dinner plans that evening, mine were cancelled, so we ended our trip and headed back.

The following day we had a work function and afterwards we got drunk again and had an amazing night together.  When it came to saying goodbye..I wanted more time with him, I felt like were just getting into a much better grove than previous times, and I wanted it to continue a few more days.  The goodbye was simple, just a quick kiss, no I hope to see you soon, no I'll miss you, no I look forward to next time.  Just...have a safe trip home. Muah.

Then he left and I continued to work/sight see on my own.

I used the MAX light rail, saw the International Rose Test Garden, visited Powell's bookstore, walked around the town, had some other great meals out, toured the USS Bluebird and met up with my Friend who lives in Oregon for dinner.

stress

Some people, while stressed, lose weight.  I am not sure if it is lack of eating, a higher metabolism or something else.  Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

When I am stressed I gain weight. Sometimes I'll indulge in cookies or ice cream, a few pieces of chocolate or maybe even something fried a few times a month.  As an indulgence, it shouldn't be enough to make me gain 5-10 pounds, it isn't like that is all I am eating.

I was doing really well last year, I was finally happy with my body.  And it lasted for months.  Then came the certification examination - I was extremely stressed and nervous for a month before hand, then waiting the 6-8 weeks for the results.  Since that was in December, my indulgence were some cookies. I wouldn't say I ate a ton of them either!  And my breakfasts and lunches have been the same thing I've been eating for the last 4 years.  My dinner are very similar as well, very basic, a protein, sometimes a side vegetable, sometimes not.

So that was November and December worried about the exam.  January and February was the loss of ManFriend and the realization that Mountain Man was a dead end.  March - June has been extremely stressful regarding the apartment.

It is so frustrating.  Every time I make it to a place I am happy with my weight, some major stressor comes up and I have to start all over again.  I'd love to be in a frame of mind with little to no stress where my body weight will be more constant.

Or maybe my weight issue isn't stress, it can very well be endocrinologic....but I haven't found a good endocrinologist yet and that would require me to go off birth control (so the doctor said).  It is definitely something to consider.

The good news is all this stress hasn't increased the white hair significantly....I still have them but it hasn't triplicated.  And my hair hasn't started thinning more...although that usually happens after the stress is over for me.

Book Thoughts: The Cost of Hope: A Memoir

One of my goals this year was to read 10 nonfiction books.  I haven't really cared what topics the books were, but hoped for some variation in my reading.  Choosing the books has been relatively simple. I'd log into the library website, clicked nonfiction and sorted by what is available right now electronically.  I came across Amanda Bennett - The Cost of Hope: A Memoir and began reading.

This book was probably the wrong choice for me, but why I selected it among others that were available is because I was curious about the cost of hope with her husband's cancer.  The story is told from when they met through a little after his death.

I shed less tears than I thought I would, with cancer being a topic I've thought a lot about over the last four months.  Reading about the treatments, the doctors, the cost, the downward fall, the remission, adjusting to new routines, clinical trials, insurance, working, the family, hospice...I couldn't not help but wonder about ManFriend and my aunt especially, but even a past co-worker and my godfather.

I didn't love the style of writing.  She would tell a story then do flashbacks or fastforwards and at times it was confusing (which is surprising because normally I love that style) because it happened so frequently.  But the overall story was a quick read and I 'enjoyed' (for lack of a better word as I type this) reading about cancer from someone who had way more at stake.  It helped me understand what my aunt and uncle are currently going through, and I thought a lot about the past people I've known that had cancer and what their families went through, especially years ago when I didn't quite understand as much.

The one part of the book I was not thrilled about was in the afterward.  After the story, we tend to be curious, we want to know where the people are now.  I would have been happy with knowing what the total cost of care was, more facts about insurance, treatments, the 'interviews' after the fact, realizations that you didn't think of in the moment but realized in hindsight.  She touched a little on that, but also included that she is happy and has moved on, I felt like that should have been left out.  240 pages were about the husband and how they had a rocky relationship to start that turned into respect, devotion and passion for over 20 years.  I am all for moving on, healing, having someone by your side, but I just spent 240 pages reading about how much you loved this guy and what you did to try to save him.  Seemed a little out of place.

high in protein

I ate bugs today.  Yes, that is right, more than one.

I may have shared in past posts, my huge fear of bugs.  Eating bugs is not ideal for someone who is 'scared' of bugs.  I don't even eat the tentacles of calamari because it looks like a spider.

I know we eat a few spiders a year and maybe inhale gnats while running outside...but somehow this seems different, even though I didn't do it intentionally.

But the fault is my own.  I didn't wash my blackberries I only rinsed them quickly under water.  Is there a difference between rinsing and washing fruit?  Would rinsing longer make a difference anyway?  I put a handful in a container for work.  I popped open the container, and popped a blackberry into my mouth as I worked.  Then I ate another.  For some reason, I looked down and I noticed that something was moving.  It was tiny, probably smaller or the same size as the little 'hair' that sticks out of the blackberry.  I saw it move.  Then I saw another. And another.  

I only had 4 left.  I had about 6...and the last two days I ate a pint (granted today's was from a different pint container).  I can't imagine how many little bugs I ate, it was kinda infested.

So, I drank about 30 ounces of water really fast....you know, in case my teeth didn't crush the bugs when I was chewing and in case my stomach acid didn't kill them, I was trying to drown them.

hard time letting go

Just the other night I stopped to pick up a friend, and her family were all gathered in the living room for the last moments of my friend's mother's life.  I was able to see her tiny body, shrunken face and those sad and confused eyes.

Immediately I thought about ManFriend, wondering if he was in that bad shape before he passed away, not looking anything like himself.  His mother said they kept him at home as long as they could.  He stopped eating solid food for a few weeks before and couldn't talk for the last week, which means that when we texted, it was among the last day or two he was corresponding with any of his friends.

While I've thought about ManFriend everyday and my eyes still fill with tears when I think about something, seeing my friend's mother brought back such strong emotions that I wasn't expecting.  It is normal to be sad over a friend's death, especially when it was unexpected (to me) but our relationship was over.

As hurt as I have been that I had no idea what was going on, I am also selfishly grateful he didn't tell me because watching him suffer like that would have been even more heartwrenchingly painful. He knew how I felt about him and that I would have been there if I knew, but yet he is the one who chose to withhold that information and I have to accept it.

I know I have a hard time letting things go.  I see this both as a negative that it consumes me but also a positive that those that I care about get all of me and that I care that much about someone that I miss them or that I am hurt when they disappoint me.  I am fortunate enough that I've been lucky enough to have those people in my life to give me that overwhelming feeling of love.  I've been blessed to experience that.

sorting candies

Purchasing single color m&m's can be expensive.  Instead, I purchased a large bag from Costco and sorted the colors.

The problem with this method is that my fingers touched each one.  I washed my hands well before doing this...but it made me realize I should probably eat less of anything that is unwrapped.

Thinking that the bag would have close to equal proportions, I was a bit surprised that after I sorted there was a big difference.

After sorting, I decided to weigh the candies. I put all the candies in a plastic bag, which I weighed, then I subtracted the bag weight from the total weight.


Yellow:  218 grams
Green:  351 grams
Blue:  372 grams
Brown:  230 grams
Orange:  335 grams
Red: 68 grams

I probably ate 8 candies or so while I was sorting, before I thought about weighing the candies.

I used the blue; wanted to use red too, but there weren't enough and I wasn't going to buy another bag.  The rest of the candies will be eaten or used in cookies or other baked goods.

Lesson learned, if you want guaranteed colors, buy smaller bags during certain times of year (Valentine's Day = red, pink, white; Easter = pastels) or buy bulk colors directly from m&m's website.

reread and edit

I was writing a work letter and after I was through, I reread it and edited it.  Then, I read it again and tweaked it a little more.  A lot of time and thought went into that document, and that routine happens over and over again which is why I am decent at what I do.

This blog started out as my diary. I was writing for me and I wrote what came to my head in that brief moment in time, usually when I was sad or was stressed.  I didn't reread anything I wrote, and I didn't elaborate what I wrote because in my head, I knew more than I was writing; I knew the history and I knew the connections I was making - without writing them out.

Fast forward four years and I actually have people reading, who would have thought?  But my writing didn't change, it was still small parts of thoughts in my head because I didn't need all the details, I already knew them.  However, this has proved a problem because now there are major holes in my story and now that people are reading, I am failing them because I am not writing more detailed posts.  I cannot assume readers not only remember everything I've said but also the things I haven't said. How preposterous.

After I realized that I spent so much time rereading and editing things for work but that I didn't do that when it came to my story, I knew I needed to make some changes.  So beginning now, I am going to reread what I write and pretend I know zero about the topic of the moment and I am going to edit so I can be sure that the readers have a fuller, more accurate story. Editing can take time, but I have to remember that I don't need to post on the day something happens.

My story over the last few years has been very slow moving.  I've bitched and complained and I have had periods of depression, but also during this time I've learned a lot about myself and in the last year I've been very content overall; there is a huge difference in the me now versus the me four years ago. But rarely do I write when things are going well because I am up and about and don't have a lot of free time.  And that isn't fair either because it is not an accurate representation of all of me just the bad parts.  But, a lot of work has gone on behind the scenes to achieve a place where I will be even happier, and over the next few months I will be ready to share.

Review: Google Chromecast

Over the last few months I've streamed some TV shows from Netflix.  I was getting tired of watching on my iPad so I purchased the Google Chromecast.

The set up was very easy, I simply plugged it into the HDMI port and a power source then downloaded the Chromecast application.  It took a few minutes for the software to download...then it was ready.

Unfortunately I got an error message about the Chromecast not finding my internet, so I turned everything off and went to bed.  The next day, I turned it on and it worked, so it must've needed to reset or something.

The following day I watched the first thing I streamed from Netflix onto my TV.  It took a few moments to show up on the TV and at times the quality of the picture seemed a little blurry but then would correct.  Watching episodes back to back was not as easy as watching from the iPad when it would run continuously, I had to click on the next episode and then it had to load.  Also, I have the lowest speed internet at home, so watching something on the Chromecast and doing something online on the computer or iPad is very difficult when one or both keep freezing...but this may not be a problem if you have higher speed internet.

Overall, I am very happy that I can watch things on my TV screen instead where the picture is bigger as well as having more control over the volume.

I have not tried to view anything else yet, but I think it should work just fine

For $35, I am shocked I waited so long to buy a Chromecast.

still alone

This week a friend whose husband left her with 2 children had another baby, another friend who tried to have a baby for years was blessed with a baby, my sister's 300 pound friend got married and I found out my cousin who had a really bad divorce is dating a man after being single for 5 years...they all struggled with big challenges for years that they were able to overcome.

Huge accomplishments for those four people this week, after years of challenging and difficult times.  Then I thought about it...I've been single almost 8 years.  EIGHT years is a long time...and where am I?  I didn't seriously 'date' anyone. I was involved with ManFriend but we didn't do couply things, but at least that was for a year and a half.  I still haven't overcome my biggest challenge.

Sure, the first 2-3 years I 'wasted' thinking someone would come around, but he didn't...and while I waited, he was dating.  My first mistake.  Next thing I knew I was in my 30s.  I was no longer the young, thin, happy person.  I was a bit jaded, sad, lonely and starting to age; nothing attractive in that.  Add in that I didn't go out because I didn't have any more friends.  My few friends I had were in NJ and my other friends all were married with kids. I didn't have anyone to go out with and I was too shy to go out alone.  The only conversations I was making in public places tended to be with old men or married men...not quite what I am looking for.

When I would go out with my ex-coworker, she got all the attention, even though I was smarter and a bit more witty she had the more carefree and fun personality that drew people in. But those weren't the kinds of men I wanted for anything long term anyway. I wanted a man that was looking for more than just my body. More than just one night.

On top of all this, I live in a family town...there aren't too many singles. In fact, I just read an article that Westchester's singles have dropped quite a bit in the last few years.  Thus, limiting my chance of meeting someone closer to home even more.

What about online dating you ask?  Well, that is how I met SI...and well, psycho.  I did try a few years ago, but the people that reached out to talk to me were strange and the other half were just looking for sex. I was not able to find a guy that seemed 'normal' or at least on there for the same reason as me.  After a few months, I closed the account.

Eight years is a long time to be single.  If I get the opportunity to be in a relationship, the adjustment is going to be really hard.  I've become so independent, and I will expect that someone will hurt me. Of course I am going to be optimistic going into anything, but part of my mind will be on guard.  I know I can't let past men's issues be the next person's problem.

While I haven't overcome my challenge of a relationship yet, I think I've made a lot of progress so when it does happen, I will be in a better place to embrace it.

Review: NYS Department of Health Free STD Clinic

I figured I should probably get an STD check.  Last June I had one done after I found out ManFriend was with someone else after he moved and thankfully, I was OK for the 3 tests they ran.  So it was just the matter of Mountain Man, Cop#1 and the one night stand to worry about.

Two weeks ago I discovered the NYS Department of Health's FREE clinic.  And since I am so broke, I figured I should go there, it would save me an office visit of about $70 plus all the lab tests, which I think when I got it done last year was about $100-200.  What is even better it is walk-in, so I didn't have to schedule an appointment.

When I got there, I had to fill out a form.  The form had your standard information, name, age, address, email, questions why you are there, etc.  Each form has a number on it.  When the nurse is ready for you, they call out the number, not your name.  I spoke with a nurse who asked about any symptoms, the number of men I was with in the last three months, total number of men, last date of period, if I used protection, etc.  I was then given a new number and asked to wait in the waiting area.

When the  new number was called, I was brought into an exam room with two nurses. They asked me a few questions about my history and told me the importance of using condoms.  They left while I removed my pants, panties, socks and shoes.  When they came back in, they first looked the skin all over my body for rashes or bumps or whatever else.  Then it was time for the vaginal exam, which almost the same procedure as the pap, with a little scraping of the insides and then a feel of the uterus.  They left to bring the dish down to the lab and peered through the microscope while I got redressed and waited in the room.  Within minutes, they came back and told me some results, others would not be ready for about 2 weeks.  I was then asked to return back to the waiting area.

My number was called again and this time I went to the lab where I had a vial of blood taken and a finger prick.  Then I headed back to the waiting room.

15 minutes later my number was called again and I went into another room with another nurse to review the HIV test.  She was more than happy to print out the results, and then she gave me a goodie bag of 26 condoms to get me started.

2 hours later I walked out of the clinic.

So, it was free....but it took 2 hours, and they weren't busy.  If there were more people there I can't imagine how long I would have been there.

The nurses were all so nice and made me feel comfortable.  The front desk and 'security' person were rude and nasty.

Now I have to wait about 2 weeks before I go back for the results of the remaining 4 tests.  Overall, I thought the state health department did a really great job; very through (way more through then my other STD tests).

The rest is on me...to start enforcing condom use or perhaps refrain from sex all together.

a dreaded conversation

Whenever I get a note from my mother that says, "Dee, I need to talk to you, let me know when you are free" I get nervous, a conversation I don't want to have is coming.

I arrange to meet my mother at her house for breakfast, I don't want to be out in public crying.

We make small talk while eating and then finally she tells me what is on her mind.  She told me that she was very concerned for me because I seem very sad and she wants me to see a therapist.  When I asked her when she noticed the sadness, she said it was after I got back from seeing Mountain Man after New Years.  Yes, I would probably agree, I noticed a change in me then too.  I was upset that the thing with Mountain Man wasn't more, I was upset that ManFriend seemed more sick than he was letting on.  Then ManFriend died and while I blogged to you about it, I really didn't have anyone else to talk about it, and I just haven't snapped out of it.  I told my mother about my January and explained that ManFriend's death was hard for me because I loved him, sort of. and how can I talk about it to my family when none of them really even knew about him, let alone my feelings for him.  She said I was shutting people out, that I haven't let anyone in a while, that i have this huge shield protecting me and pushing people away.  She thinks is stems from SI.  She might be right, but it is not intentional.

Why should I see a therapist now?  I made it through the darkest days of my life without one, I don't think the loss of ManFriend and the disappointment in Mountain Man is worse than what happened 8 years before.

It hasn't been easy to find a single guy, I have a really hard time meeting people and even harder time to find someone who is interested in me in a possible future kind of way.  But, I did try to let people in.  I tried with ManFriend...and I was hurt and it was a messed up non-relationship, but I did develop very strong feelings for him and he knew a lot about my past, and if he wasn't such a bachelor, maybe it would have been more 'normal'.  Then I tried with Mountain Man....and well I don't know why he decided he wasn't into me, he just wasn't and I wasn't about to beg...I want a man to desire me and want to be with me exclusively (I learned from SI that I can't accept anything less) so that was that.  I tried.  I failed, which always sucks. But I tried.

So the question is, do I start to see a therapist?  I don't want to delve that much into my past, especially not my childhood...I don't want them to make me question why I am messed up.  And honestly, I really don't want to relive the pain of telling someone the stories of SI. I want to think that part of me is way behind in the past.  And I don't think I am THAT sad. I mean, I am not happy, but I am not as sad as I was years ago.  I am not in this fog where I am losing years of my life I don't remember because I am in shock.  I just have a lot going on....between the sadness, not feeling great and the stress of what is to come.

But I respect my mother and her courage to bring these taboo topics up.  She is worried about me and she is my mother and she would do anything in her power to make me happy.  You are never to old to have your mother worry about you, after all.  And after our conversation, I did feel a little better it was nice to talk about that stuff even if I was crying during most of the conversation.

feeling a little funny

It's been three weeks since I started getting these weird symptoms.  I had a week 'break' and then this past week a different set of symptoms have appeared, but with the multi-day low grade fever present again.

I normally hate baths - I get so bored and antsy.  The last few days I have been taking an Epsom Salt bath and I have to say how relaxing it was, I didn't want to get out.  During my bath, I thought a little about ManFriend and his illness.  How he knew his body so well that went to the doctor when something didn't feel right, but getting the news there was nothing to do, a 3 month deadline on life.

My mind started to wander, as it normally does, and I started to think that would I want to know if I was very ill or how much time I had left?  Should I be concerned with my strange symptoms?  And right now, with where I am in my life, I wouldn't.  I probably wouldn't go to the doctor right away, I probably wouldn't fight to live a little bit longer...for what?  However, I understand why so many people do, those people with families and loved one, of course they'd want to spend all the time with them as possible.

December, January and the beginning of March were very stressful months for me.  It is very possible that stress is the reason for how I've been feeling lately.  I suppose only time will tell if that is the reason or not. I've written down my health issues, just in case it gets to the point where I speak to a doctor, but I am not too worried yet, our bodies are generally really good about fighting things off.  We'll see what the next few weeks hold and if I have to keep wasting a few weekends not leaving the house and just resting...so be it.  But at this time, I am not worried about it being anything 'major' at all.

chopsticks

Growing up we ordered Chinese food when we rented a movie or had family game night. It was a fun monthly or bimonthly event that I remember fondly.

But eating the delicious Chinese food wasn't enough for me.  I was determined to use those two little sticks they included in our bag.  My family didn't want to use chopsticks and instead ate with a fork.  It took a while before I was able to really get the hang of it, but eventually I was able to pick up a grain of rice without a problem.

This paid off when I went on a class trip to China in was it 2003?. I was shocked that my classmates, for the most part, were struggling with chopsticks and asked for a fork. I was so embarrassed.

But with sushi being as popular as it is these days, people are becoming surprisingly proficient in their use of chopsticks. Why is that?  Why does sushi trump Chinese when it comes to people learning how to use chopsticks?  Is it just because the sushi pieces are larger and easier to pickup?  Well, people PRACTICE and small pieces of Chinese food will be just as easy to pick up.

exchange of fulfilments

So, one good thing about drinking a whole bottle of sparking wine yourself, is that you start to think and then get pissed off.

I texted Cop#1 that because he didn't like what I had to say on Monday (he offered to set me up with his cousin a few weeks ago....and I said that since I don't plan to stay here a long time I decided I wanted a purely sexual relationship instead of dating) that I no longer wanted to see him.  This whole thing has needed to end years ago, and well, I've just been addicted to the occasional sex.   Since he was the first guy I had sex with more than once, we do it similar, and it is really really great.  After a while when ManFriend or Mountain Man would disappoint me, or I got tired of OK sex, I'd call on Cop#1 for a really great bang.  And he always delivered.  I was so fulfilled.

But no more.  it is an inappropriate relationship and maybe I just need to end it before the universe lets me move on.  I'll be happy to exchange those short moments of fulfillment for a long term fulfillment that another life can offer me.

need to know

It's not quite 7 pm and I am borderline drunk.  What is the occasion, since this would be the fourth time in 2 weeks?  Well, I got some not so great news today.  I am not going to get into that stuff now, but it will come, eventually.  And I was disappointed so on my walk home I decided to pick up some sushi and some sparkling wine.  I am 3/4 the way through the bottle and noticed I've been either talking to myself or talking to ManFriend or a higher spirit...asking them questions about the turn of events and my future.  It was then I realized how fast sparkling wine goes to my head.  If I knew these effects, I would have just bought a bottle of Champagne or sparkling wine on my outings this past two weeks instead of buying 8 - 12 drinks; it would have been a lot more cost effective and faster.

Anyway, so my post tonight is about my confusion.  I believe in fate, so I can't get upset about it, but I feel like I just need to know everything will work out, that I will eventually be happy....or that I am destined to just be here, like this.  Is it bad to want to know a little about what will happen?  I mean, the difference of being alone living in a crappy apartment or finding a man, marrying and living in a nicer place...I kinda need to know.

big sighting

I was out to dinner with a new friend, we went to dinner before we went to a Broadway show.  3/4 of the way through the dinner, our waiter came over and told us Chris Noth was at a table, so if we were to use the restroom, take a look around.  Since I had 4 drinks, I had to use the bathroom again, and sure enough he was there.  He looked a little more white haired, but still attractive.  We made eye contact and I smiled.  I wasn't about to approch him or take a sneaky picture as he was out in his private life.  My friend and I finish up dinner and as I was getting into my coat, I bumped into him as he was walking to the bar. I apologized of course.

Just six days later, I go out with the same friend and a few of her friends for restaurant week.  We were already seated for about almost an hour when I realize who walked through the door...Chris Noth.  My friend and I look at each other and were shocked - twice in a week he comes into a restaurant we are in?  And considering I very rarely go out, this seemed too coincidental, but what is the alternative, he decides to stalk 2 regular women?  Not likely.

It made for good conversation that night.

the creepy guy

It was 12:11 am, I was waiting 58 minutes for a train in Grand Central.  I was minding my own business, texting with a few people when I notice this guy staring at me.  By now, my buzz wore off so I asked this man "what?".  He comes closer, still staring at me.  I look around the empty station and notice where the police and other people are, just in case.  The man is inches from me and tell me that I am absolutely beautiful, he couldn't take his eyes off me and he leans in to kiss me.

whoa!  I couldn't back up as I was leaning against the wall.  I say "what do you think you are doing?"  to which he replied "you are so pretty I have to kiss you".  I shake my head and say "you are probably married, what makes you think you can just kiss a stranger?  Show me your left hand."  He pulls out his right hand and I laugh.  He takes out his left hand and sure enough there is a gold band on his ring finger.  I say "sorry, I don't kiss married men, but maybe this passed out lady right here would be honored, go bother her".  But instead he continues to chat with me and tells me about his plans with his family the following day.  Eventually he walks away.  I continue texting my friend and then 5 or 10 minutes later the man came back for more.  I am not sure if he didn't remember talking to me or if he just wanted to continue talking to me.  After a few minutes, I say that we should probably head to our respective trains.

I couldn't help but wonder if this man does this regularly, and if so, how many women actually go along with it?

one night stand

On Tuesday I met a friend for drink before dinner.  It was a more upscale establishment and I was there for about an hour before she showed up, that is at least two glasses of wine.  The friend gets there, but I end up chatting with the bartender for a bit, it lead to an exchange of business cards and a few flirty texts during dinner.

Fast forward to Friday, I met up with two guy friends for drinks after work.  It was a late night, and I debated meeting up with the bartender afterwards, going home with one of those guys, or going home alone.  As usual, I missed my train home by seconds, leading to an hour of waiting...and texting.  Do I go home or do I meet up with a stranger? 

Having a one night stand has been on my bucket list for a while, but I've always been too nervous to do it because I didn't want to be murdered.  I am sure the odds of that are slim...but it is something I've feared.  And I am not going to lie, I asked him if he planned to kill me, yup, I am that weird girl.

So, I waste an hour texting him, fighting the desire to try something new.  I get on the train and we depart.  Then...I did something shocking, I got off at 125th street and took a cab to his apartment.  I wasn't drunk anymore.

It was about 2 am, I knew at this point that the next train home wasn't until 5:30ish AM.  So, I'd have to hang out there until I can get back home.

He was a little more 'regular' than I remember him looking; no beer goggles this time around.  We kiss, we kiss a little more, then we head into the bedroom.  He claimed not to have a condom; it was do I do it anyway or do I piss him off and end up walking around Harlem from 2 - 5 am...so I went along with it...why not?  With all the guys I've been with rarely did I use a condom.  The insecurities that I talked about the other day...I didn't have them.  This was someone that I knew I wouldn't see again...and I didn't care if it was good or bad or what he was thinking.  I have to say, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would...not because it was good, but because I didn't care.  

Then we go to sleep.  Even though I asked before I went over if he snored and said no...he did.  I barely got a wink of sleep.  I forgot how horrible it is to sleep with someone snoring.  At 4:45 I got dressed, peed and woke him up to tell him I was leaving.  I asked if he'd go outside and get a cab with me because I wasn't sure if his neighborhood was safe, but he said I'd be fine.  I spent a ton of money the night before, so I also asked for $5 since I didn't have enough for a cab ride.

And that was that.  A one night stand.  Completed. Check.

And I survived.  It was so different to not have a date first, get to know a guy, think about if I liked the guy, maintaining conversation, or think about a future...it was just sex.  It wasn't as horrible as I thought....and maybe I'll try to find another stranger but not just for one night, maybe for a few month fling. It would be nice to have sex with someone that I am not attached to from previous experiences.

insecurities and endings

Mountain Man asked me a simple question "Do you pay your life coach money, or is sort of a friendly advice kind of thing?"

I responded:

Yes, my life coach gets paid, not a lot because I am kinda broke…but she does it on the side.  What I like about her is that she is educated (MBA) and she is single in her 50s.  I can relate to her.  She does know most of my family….but remains objective when I talk about them.  My mom introduced me to her in my early 20s when I was lost about a career.  I saw her a few months and that was it.  But two years after my breakup, I needed someone else to talk to so I reached out to her and have spent two hours once a month for the last 5 years or so chatting with her.  It started as getting over depression, working on myself, regaining some self-esteem, finding ways to get out of the fog, etc.  It was slow, but I benefited a lot from it.  I’d go through cycles, so last year after the end of my manfriend, I was better equipped to handle my feelings/issues.  Most recently I haven’t had a lot to talk about, there is only so much I can say about waiting to move, my job, my lack of friends, applying for jobs, my family, etc.  I am probably beyond stressed out because I noticed I am shutting people out, but with my 5 years with her, I know what needs to be done on my end.  The reality is, while I think I’ve kind of figured me out, in the areas of my path, things I want for my future, how to grow from my past…I probably need to talk to a shrink about my intimacy issues since that is a problem I am not really sure how to fix.  How sad is it that sex with someone scares me and then I under perform because I am so nervous. It has been eight years, you’d think I’d have gotten over it by now, but I haven’t.  And unfortunately most guys won’t wait around more than 10 attempts before I become comfortable enough with them to enjoy it (and with that comes better performance).  The last guy told me I was in his top 2 ever and he was with a lot of women (sure it took a while to adjust to the way he liked it and it did suck at the beginning, but I figured it out and then it was great, even if it was for under 5 minutes)….shouldn't that be enough to make my confidence soar?  But no, because with you I totally bombed again.  Hence why I don’t have sex with many people, or just keep going with people I am familiar with. It is sad that someone can mess you up in such a way that it messes with you years and years and years afterwards.  Ah the joy of emotional abuse.  Even that guy, after everything he did to me to get me where I am now, he still continued to sleep with me for a while afterwards so again, that should say something…but it doesn't seem to help me.  And I shouldn't need to have a drink or four to be with man in that way the first time, but sadly I do.  I find it interesting that after relationships end, people go crazy and sleep around – maybe in a way that could be helpful, but it was never something I did.  Now I just am very uncomfortable with the whole thing, and therefore in the last month I've struggled more with the fear of being alone for the remainder of my life – and anyway, part of that is life-coach help related, but part of it probably isn't.  While I probably don’t need her anymore, I keep thinking I am moving soon so like everything else, it would come to its natural end but that is taking a little longer than I had planned for/expected.  Why should I be surprised? Very rarely do things go as planned.

Well, now you know way more about me than you ever wanted to.  I guess I’d like to say that I don’t want you to feel like you have to continue to talk to me.  Unlike you, I do believe in fate, and I've wondered why we met; for what purpose.  And I think I for me, it was so I’d get wrapped up in this moment that when my manfriend told me about the cancer I didn't drop everything to help him (how sad) or that I wouldn't have slept with a co-worker in San Diego and/or to experience a part of the country I wouldn't have otherwise to realize there are some decent men out by the mountains.  It was a lot of fun in the summer through the fall. I really looked forward to our chats and everything, they brought a smile to my face daily and was something I looked forward to.  But with what you said about your commitment issues and my desire for a whirlwind romance that I might be incapable of but desperately need to escape my current reality, I know it wouldn't go further than this.  And I think I was latching on because of my desire to escape.  I am not even sure if there was physical attraction on either end.  it was very obvious in January that you weren't interested and your emails or texts have seemed forced since then.  And the last thing I want is to be a chore you feel like you need to get over with.  You are a really interesting guy, I can honestly say I haven’t known too many like you, which I guess was my big draw, you were so completely different. And I need different.  Thank you again for all your help over the last few months, I really appreciated it.  And true to our word, I have no regrets ;) well, maybe just one, but that is a totally me needing to be better about enforcing condom use.

If you ever want to check in, please don't hesitate to send a message.  And if I am completely off base and you actually do enjoy chatting with me still, then by all means, continue.  And if not, well, I wish you the absolute best and good wishes for your future.  

Clearly I have a lot going on.  All I needed to say was "yes, I pay her". But instead I found myself typing away.  More to myself than for him, which is why I have a blog. I know I can't send this email to him and because of that I haven't responded to him in a few days.

be my angel

ManFriend,

This past month has been harder on me than I thought it would be.  A day hasn't gone by where I didn't think about you and teared up or cried.  The hardest part is my guilt for not doing enough for you, but how could I because I had no idea how sick you were.  I've struggled with the fact that I didn't even make the list of those to be notified, and then wondered if I ever meant anything to you.

But then I keep getting flashbacks from when we were at the bar and you looked me in the eye and you told me I was your angel, that I was always there for you when you needed someone.  

And I always felt it wasn't enough or that you didn't appreciate me.  And because of that, I resisted telling you I loved you, because I wanted to feel that.  But of course I loved you....which is why I was so upset about you giving my earring to another woman...because you apparently took no time to be with someone else and I still loved you.  What if I didn't resist,  what if f that didn't happen, maybe i would have been by your side to help you when you were sick.  Or maybe that is why you didn't tell me, because you knew I would have done everything I could have for you.  And I keep wondering if stress is what brought the cancer back, and if so, I am I partially to blame? After all that ----- job came through my school's listserv and I forwarded it to you.  That was the beginning of the end for us...and maybe you too :(

It is crazy I am this torn up...I mean we had such a messed up, strange somewhat stressful, non-relationship.  From causal to love. A love that neither of our families even knew about, but not because I was embarrassed by it or anything. I don't know why.  So of course no one gets why I am so upset, we broke up in May/June of last year.   I've only loved two guys, and well, you were the most recent.  

If you've been watching me struggle this past month, you know that I talk to you sometimes.  Well, today I decided that I did a lot for you for that year and a half you lived here.  Now it is your turn to do things for me, show me that you actually cared about me and weren't using me.  I am calling on you to help me through the next year and a half....you will bring people to my (our) apartment, someone will love it and buy it at less of a loss than they are predicting - and soon, you will guide me through my move, assist me with finding a really great job that pays well, maybe some friends and most importantly, you will bring me to my future husband.  You will guide my way, it's your turn to be my angel.  I will know then that you loved me in your own little weird way and we'll be even.  ;)  And if you were behind me passing my certification test too....you get brownie points :) thank you.

Now come on, let's get to work.  Time to change my life.

xoxo,

Denise 

neighborly help

One of my biggest issues is my lack of friends...and for a single person, friends are a bit of a requirement.

I have a few friends but they are married with kids so I don't really hang out or talk to them all that regularly.  Bank Boy is probably my only non-married friend...but he usually brings up the fact he wants more.  Over the last few years, I've bitched and complained that I want better friends.  Ones that will go out of their way once in a while for me, like I do for others.

So imagine my surprise when I got a fever last night and needed some Advil or Tylenol.  I was too weak to move around too much or go out, so I messaged two of my neighbors to see if they had anything.  They both responded very quickly.  One came over with cold medication, which I didn't need, and claimed he was at CVS and would pick some up...coincidence?

The fact that someone would leave their nice warm apartment to walk to the store (OK, so it is just around the corner) for me is kind of amazing.  I couldn't stop thanking him for his actions.

Apparently my being nice to others does eventually come back around to me.



(although while I was waiting for my delivery, trying not to fall asleep, I messaged Mountain Man to chat with me.  He started to talk about the weather out there.  Hmm, weather is a topic that people bring up when they have nothing to say to the other person...just more clarity that is done.  So I thanked him and wished him luck, in everything.)

Review: Patagonia Hi-Loft Down Sweater Hoody

For those of you on the East Coast, you know this winter started off quite cold and then became quite snowy.  The extreme cold was what made me realize I needed a warmer coat.

I bought several coats from several different manufacturers in a variety of styles and colors to decide what I like and what would keep me warm.

My favorite was Patagonia's Hi-Loft Down Sweater Hoody.

When I first tried it on, I was surprised to see that it looked more marble than white.  This was due to the fact that you can see the feathers through the shell lining.  I wasn't thrilled about this, but figured the coat was still worth a try.

Patagonia

On my first day of wearing it, the morning was about 22 degrees that felt like 12 degrees.  Under the coat I was wearing a cotton 3/4 sleeve shirt and jeans [normally, if I wore that, I'd have had to wear some arm warmers under my 'regular' coat and if I remembered a scarf].  But with this coat, I didn't need arm warmers.  It kept me warm on my walk to the train and to work.  I really liked the arm hole area that gets a little tighter so with gloves, air does not go up your arm, keeping you warm.  My hair was down, and the hood fit mostly well, helping to keep the wind and cold out.

The coat itself is super light, which is a fantastic feeling that you are warm but don't feel like a big puffy marshmallow.  And even though it is light and compact-able, it is filled with 14.6 ounces of feathers.

The downside?  Stock was selling out and of the colors that were left (a pink, a blue and a white), I liked the white better.  I never had a white coat before, it seemed versatile and wintery.  Unfortunately, as a woman who wears makeup, I realized that if I put the hood up, makeup will rub against the trim...and I don't cake makeup on.  I started to wonder if I can really keep this coat, unfortunately the coat is practically sold out everywhere so I can't exchange for another color (that I like enough).  Perhaps the coat without the hood would be a better option for me, but then I'd have to buy a hat.

A new winter activity for me

I decided around November/December that snowshoes would be a good thing to have.  And wallah, I got a pair for Christmas.  Then they sat in my closet for over a month....even though we had quite a bit of snow.  Unfortunately the snow always came during the week and would melt by the weekend or I was busy so I couldn't get outside.

Well, finally this weekend I had absolutely zero things planned and figured now was the perfect time.

The parks had about 12 - 18 inches of snow.  I wasn't sure if that was going to be too much to snowshoe on because I'd sink...but then I thought, well, the mountains get a lot and people snowshoe there, so maybe this was a great amount of snow to snowshoe in.

But I did keep falling through the snow.  And talk about exercise to keep lifting my legs up so much!  But it was a fun early afternoon, getting some fresh air and exercise.

And now that I've done it once, I should be OK to do it alone.  And the great thing about it is that you can do it virtually anywhere there is snow.

But let's be a little honest, as much as I love hiking, and that is essentially what snowshoeing is but on snow, I enjoyed cross country skiing better, even though I struggled with it a bit.