GO AWAY

Are you kidding me?  I log into my LinkedIn account - not that I really use it, but people tell me I need to have one. So I go in there occasionally and just accept invitations.  Just now I log in and look at the people who've viewed me....and guess who viewed my profile sometime in the last 15 days - THE MISTRESS...SI's mistress.  Why is she checking up on me? To find out if my last name changed? To see where I work (does that even show up for a non-connection)?  Isn't it bad enough when I get a call from her (old?) area code - that my stomach drops and my blood pressure increases?

Well, Mistress, I might complain a bit, and I know I am underpaid...but I am doing well professionally, I am on the right path; I have gained a tremendous amount of respect and value at work this past year.  And whether I stay there or move to another place...I don't know, but I know the next step will be higher and even more rewarding.  Oh and guess what - I have a work trip coming up in Brazil.

Looking back, I feel silly we fought over the same man.  I should have let you have him that night I found out about you, but I was blinded by love.  And because of that I lost years of my life- something I'll never get back, and for what?  A man that didn't even love me?  Did he even love you if he kept me around? Those years I should have spent looking for a new job, a new place to live, to relocate, to find a new man and have a baby, to make friends...all things I put off because I didn't know where my life was heading, thinking I'd end up with SI.  My 20s being the worst years of my life...aren't they supposed to be the best?

And here I am....getting to the age you were when this all went down - I can understand why you didn't want to let go either - the things I worry about now, you did then.   Just be thankful you and SI did a lot more 'fun' things than he & I did and that he didn't ruin your 'fun and important' 20s - the time you are supposed to figure out how to be an adult.

Do I still think about that time? Of course - there were many qualities of SI that I adored and haven't found in other men that I see as a requirement and I occasionally wonder what would have happened if the cheating thing didn't happen - would we still be together? Would I have had a child? What kind of job would I have had?  A relationship where we can't stand each other but are still together? I think those are all very common curiosities with anyone - I've thought that way of other men as well.  Women, we like to think of the what ifs - doesn't mean we aren't over it - and whose to say it is all thought about in a positive way, I think negative things too.

So, I haven't been lucky in love since him...but I'd like to think it is around the corner...something to make up for all that horribleness that I didn't even deserve.

I have a fabulous family, I own property, have zero credit card debt, a handful of good friends and like I said I enjoy my job.  Overall, I am doing OK, and it can only get better.  So it took me forever to move on and get over it...but I eventually did.