Sunday, March 31, 2013

you're lingering

You all are fed up with ManFriend, I get it, I do.  And I know you wonder why I've allowed it to continue this far.  I don't have a great answer for that, but I want to remind you to my first 2 years of blogging when I talked about this SI guy.  Quick summary - I was head over heels in love with the guy, and about 2 1/2 years into our 5 year relationship, he started a double life.  It was becoming annoying but he did all the right things to string me along instead of breaking up with me.  He bought a house and we moved in together, and that is when I realized how downhill our relationship went.  After 10 months there, I found out about his fiancee...I wasn't even engaged.  I was shocked and I moved out - and then he strung me along for 2 years because I wanted nothing more than to be with the man I loved, even though he was unfaithful and I could have gotten over it.  So while I was in a sad, depressed fog, waiting for him to pull his life together and waiting for his words to become actions - he decided he didn't want me anymore.  I had a really hard 5 years, that is no surprise.  And now when I look back, sometimes tears come to my eyes because I think of how selfish he was, thinking it was OK to have two (or more) women and intentionally deceiving me/us instead of just ending it when he slept with the other woman for the first time.  But I also am happy he decided he loved the other woman more and finally let me go - because I deserved better, I have no doubt about that anymore.

Which is probably why I hold onto ManFriend, if I love someone, I do what I do because I want to make it work, I don't want to give up on something that has potential.  And I think the whole rejection thing scares me - another man I love telling me he doesn't want to be with me.  Which is why I keep trying to end it, because I don't want to be hurt like I was in the past.  But really, I don't think I can be equally as hurt or devastated.  I know ManFriend is fizzling out, he is shady, and once he moves, I don't have to worry about seeing him and kissing him and falling for him all over again.  27 more days.

So imagine my surprise when this SI guy popped up in my most recent tea leaf & card reading.  I don't know why he is always there, is it just to tell my readers about the pain I was in or is there something more there that I don't realize? That I am hesitant to call someone a boyfriend or introduce them to family?  I've tried so hard the last 2 years to get over it and move on and do things for me. I've made really fantastic progress, and I want to say that my personality is back to what it used to be.  I even have been trying to understand men and relationships again.

When I meet my future husband, I'll know and appreciate how lucky I am that things are finally falling into place for me.

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