Thursday, October 14, 2010

Day 08 - Someone who has made your life hell or treated you like sh*t

I am a  broken record.  And I know you guys are tired of reading about SI.  But, considering the circumstances, he is the only person that fits under this statement.  Sure, in high school I had a few bad things done to me by other boys, but now 15 years later, I barely remember them.  Somethings seem bad at the time, but aren't so I can't really use those.   However, as much as I loved SI, he treated me like shit the last year we were together and for four years after that. 

I guess a few examples need to be given?  Where to start.  So we dated for 4 years.  At year two I decided to go back to college full time, and I worked per diem (but many weeks, it was full time).  At this time, I was consumed by homework and reading.  I told him to go hang out with his friends.  He did.  And he met a bartender.  They started dating.  Now, I am not sure why his friends didn't tell the bartender that he was dating & living with me 5 nights a week.  But this continued for 2 years, without my knowledge.  Sure, ask yourself how didn't I know.  One - I was super busy.   Two - there were times I had a feeling something wasn't right, but again, I was too busy.  Three - I trusted him.  Four - you tell me how easy it is to not know when you are in the same situation.  He sent me engagement ring shopping (I found a fabulous ring) with my mom and sister and took me to the jewelers a few times.  Anyway, so school was done, we buy a house in NJ we move and right away things were bad.  Nine months later I left when my fears became a reality.  I was shocked with how long they were together.  I was shocked that he gave her a credit card...and he always complained to me that he was broke, that he can't get ahead, it strained our relationship etc.  No wonder. I have copies of the Amex bills - with her daily CVS trips of $30, her shopping sprees of $300, and all the meals they ate out the once or twice a week he saw her...etc. 

The constant lying and manipulation is what is the worst.  You never know what to believe.  You are constantly doubting yourself and others.  Sure, I was never physically abused, but I'll tell you for 2 1/2 years he mentally abused me.  Sure this all came about because I up and left one day.  We didn't talk about it, which I deeply regret, because deep down, I do not think he would have left me at that point (maybe later). Anyway, during our breakup period was when he treated me the worst (before that I felt like I was on a pedestal...or that is what he intentionally did do I wouldn't leave).  This was the time I left but didn't want to, where I wanted him to get rid of her - and he claimed she was a psycho and wanted to end it but couldn't because she kept threatening things.  She claims they were engaged (this is when I lived in the house - and I certainly was NOT engaged).  We still saw each other somewhat regularly. I thought I was moving back in a few times.  He asked me to go away with him, we made plans...and then he'd take her. She moved into our house probably the week after I left. She packed up my things.  He said he needed to get a restraining order on her...but didn't.  He said he still loved me, but refused to prove to me she was out of the picture.  He'd send me flowers and call me 10 times a day at work begging me to be with him but yet, she still lived in my house.  He said she didn't live with him, but I received mail with 'offical' return labels. This continued for months, and eventually 2 - 3 years. 

At three years I basically gave up.  It was exhausting and no progress was being made in rectifying our situation.  I even bought a condo a few months prior and didn't tell him about it.  He kept saying we'd be together but he needed time.  More time?  So I blocked him.  But then I realized he still had things that were mine and I contacted him to get my school books back (I needed a statistics book that I couldn't find) .  Yes he had it. Yes, he would give it to me.  So we met up.  No book.  We met up again, no book.  Hook up.  I would constantly write emails or leave messages at work briefly explaining that if something happened to me (died) that SI was responsible for it.  I did not understand why he would constantly need to be in my life when he didn't want me. 

A few weeks ago it was our 4 year un-anniversary.  He told me he absolutely adored me, that I am amazing and he fears his life will not be complete with out me in it. That I was the best thing that happened to him, but he didn't know it or appreciate it at the time. That I was his 'one'.  That he was the happiest when we were together.  That he might never be truly happy without me.  But the catch - he doesn't want to try, too much has happened and he is too scared of it not working out.  What BS.  If you want something bad enough - it isn't even a question of fighting for it...hello - that is what I did for 3 years.  I fought and fought and fought till I probably looked like a fool.

I know it doesn't sound that bad...but you have no idea.  I have hundreds of emails of the psychological torture.  My old phone will full of texts and voicemails that had love all over it.  It was a viscous cycle that I was too caught up in that I didn't realize how bad it was until way way now I realize it. But it seems like that was from someone else.  When I think about SI, I think only about the guy I loved.  Not the other one.  I asked him once if he was diagnosed a multiple personality disorder or psychopath (he did fit that definition).  But when I see/talk to him...I don't see that.

If you are curious about the 'other' woman.  She was a high school graduate who became a stripper then a full time bartender.  She had fake dirty blond hair and a big nose that looked broken.  She was 6 years older than me, living in the basement of someones house and she was not close with her family.  She was taking a class or two at the community college 4 years ago when we corresponded.  I know McGriddle told me not to think of myself as better than other people...but come on.  Some people we are better than.  And trying to figure out why he'd love her and me the same is not really a mystery since we are so different.  I was the good housewife - she was the whore.

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