San Diego with Mountain Man

I had a great trip to San Diego.  It was a work trip with enough personal time in between that I was able to spend a lot of time with Mountain Man.

We went to really nice restaurants, danced the night away at a work function, spent most of Sunday watching football and seeing our fantasy football team lose for the second time this season, had drinks, and then spent a good portion of our last day sightseeing - Coronado Island, Point Loma, Sunset Cliffs, Mission Beach and La Jolla.

The week flew by, and the last day was bittersweet....not knowing what, if anything, lies ahead.

our shadow at the beach at Coronado Island

Point Loma Lighthouse

me at Sunset Cliffs

sharing your baggage

I've often wondered when an appropriate time was to share your baggage with other people.  Of course, one could not share it at all, hoping it would never make an appearance.  I like honesty and if asked, I will share - but sometimes I worry that my baggage would make others treat me differently.

My baggage of course has to deal with the emotional abuse I went through and a man who thought me so insignificant that he carried on with a double life.  I worry that when a man hears that - he will think he can also treat me that way as well because it happened once before; maybe that is all I am worth in their eyes.  

Of course I know I deserve more, but will they? I know a great guy is out there somewhere who when he hears my story will feel so bad he'll want to make it up to me and cherish me to make up for all that lost time. 

not all at once, please

It is strange when out of the blue many people contact you.  That is the kind of week I had.

First, I reached out to Bank Boy for a 7 mile hike, which I will do with him tomorrow.  Of course Bank Boy used to be a little obsessed, but he hasn't asked about getting intimate in months. I think we've developed a friendship based on our enjoyment of hiking.

Then ManFriend texted me again...slightly less than one week since we saw each other.

Of course in between this has been texts and emails with Mountain Man.

Greasy (the guy I had sex with right after SI) messaged me asking if I was still single, he wanted to set me up on a blind date with an oral surgeon.  I was surprised since he knew me when I was a train wreck, but I appreciated it none the less.

And the most shocking was when I was on LinkedIn and I saw SI's photo.  LinkedIn and I aren't getting along.  I blocked SI's emails from LinkedIn, so either he has a new email or we have a link.  First, the ex-mistress keeps looking at me, then SI's best friend...now his photo?  I was happy to see he looked wide and fat and his glasses were so dark. OK so he didn't reach out...but I still saw him, kinda.

Finally, Cop#1 reached out to me too.

All this in the last 3 days.

considering a time-out

The government has shut down/on hold...and I am considering doing that with my blog for a while too.  As much as I have enjoyed writing regularly - and it really helped me during my depression - I am in a different place right now where it seems more like a chore.  My recent posts are all fluff and boring. I have a lot I want to share...but I have a reader or two that I don't trust/want to know what is going on, which makes writing/censoring the posts difficult, and not worth it yet.

I will post when I can, about something 'real'.

not dying

I met up with ManFriend last Thursday.  He is not dying.  I sat there listening about his cancer and his very optomist treatment plan.  I asked him "I still don't understand why you asked to see me" to which he replied, because we are friends.   I laughed a fake laugh and since I knew he wasn't dying (yet) I let it all out.  About his selfishness, his ungratefulness, I asked if he really gifted my earrings to some woman (he said that she took them) and I told him all that made me spend a few hundred dollars in STD testing when it could have all been avoided if he acted like an adult and did that whole thing he kept talking about, being honest.  I told him that our 'love' was a sham, that it wasn't love because people don't do those things.  And when I was done, he wanted to know if he should leave, he didn't expect any of that and was truly shocked that I wasn't happy.  I didn't plan on saying anything to him, I was there just to listen...but the way he was acting and the things he was saying, it didn't make sense.

He didn't leave.  He told me about some of the woman he was invovled with in hte last four months.  The most recent was an ex-druggie, ex-convict, smoker with a child...and I was thinking, really? You gave me up for that?  Why does that keep happening to me?  SI preferred an ex-stripper, bartender, high school graduate.  It really makes me wonder about me and about the men I chose.

Then we talked about football and started laughing and enjoying the company a bit more.  When we left, he said he had a nice time and he hopes we can hang out again since he is up this way a lot.  I looked at him and didn't say anything....really?  No, I told him he could update me in a few weeks about his diagnosis/treatment but I didn't want to see him again.

So there was no kissing, there was no inviting him back to my place.  And I didn't need the closure...actually seeing him made me think about all that stuff again, and I didn't need that.  I have been so happy the last 2-3 months, which is why I knew I wouldn't fall back into a routine with him that made me a little miserable.

Iguazu Falls

This beautiful place is  called Iguazu Falls, Iguazú Falls, Iguassu Falls or Iguaçu Falls.  It was about a 2 hour plane ride from Rio and well worth the extra few personal days.

After we landed, we decided to take a helicopter tour.  It was $113.01 for about 10 minutes, but worth it.  From above we see the river, the falls, and the national park.  It was a great thing to see before actually seeing them, it made the experience even more majestic.

We stayed at the Hotel de Cataratas (another post about this hotel) which is the only hotel within the national park on the Brazil side.   The Brazil side has a walkway that provides amazing views and a walkway to the edge of the falls...where you get soaked by the mist.

woo-who made it to Argentina!

But who gets enough of waterfalls? One side wasn't enough so we decided to get a visa (reciprocity fee) from Argentina because we heard it was even more amazing from there.  We hired an English speaking driver for the day who brought us to the park in Argentina and then to dinner for a wonderful steak.

There are three walkways on the Argentina side and you take a train to get to them, unless you want to walk the path.  Because we were there during a non-peak rainy time, we had to wait about 20 minutes for a train.
When we arrived at the park was raining, hard, but by the time we got to the furthest walkway, it cleared up.  The walkway goes over the river and brings you to the edge of the falls where you got soaked from the mist.

Along the pathways when you look at the falls, seeing a rainbow was becoming common, and really adds a nice aspect to some pictures.

The trip to Iguazu Falls was amazing, if you are ever down in that area, I say go...and stay at the hotel within the park (Argentina has one hotel within their park too) it is worth the splurge.

one two three floor

Do you know the national drink of Brazil?

It is the Caipirinha, which is made with  cachaça, sugar, ice and fruit.  I sampled this drink in lime, strawberry, passion fruit and a strawberry and passion fruit mix.

The drink was delicious and goes down easily.  But it is strong, and many people warn the tourists as they are counting their drinks, 'one, two three, floor'.

There was a day and a half where I didn't feel well, and wonder if it was all the sugar from these drinks. I don't consume a lot of sugar in my regular diet, and I think my body went into shock because it is a sugar cane based alcohol and more sugar is added into it.

The drink is definitely a must try when you are down there!

lime

Strawberry

Strawberry & Passion Fruit
Cheers!

a churrascaria experience

I had a dinner at Fogo de Chao, a Brazilian steakhouse.  There is a large salad bar and then all the meat you can eat - utilizing the green marker to indicate that you want the servers to continue coming over with their skewers full of meat.  When you are done, you flip the marker to the red side, and they don't come around.

The servers were very attentive of me and encouraged me to eat more and more and more.  I tried little slivers of about 7 or 8 meats.

I am not a huge meat fan...I've really cut back in the last few years, eating red meat about 6 times a year.  But knowing we were going here, I was prepared to eat a lot and was wiling to try new things instead of just sticking to the salad bar and chicken thigh.  It was a fun outing.

Fogo de Chao has several locations throughout the United States and 8 in Brazil.  For those in the NYC area, a restaurant will be opening this winter.

Corcovado

We took the 20 minute train up to the top of Corcovado, which means hunchback in Portuguese.  The iconic statue of Christ the Redeemer was as big as you'd imagine at 125 feet. Most of the statue was made in Rio, except for the head and hands. He overlooks the city and is visible for miles.

The panoramic view from the top was magnificent.

Copacabana Palace

The Copacabana Palace was beautiful and the service was impeccable. I interacted with the front desk, concierge, business center and event staff and they were all so nice and helpful.

The lobby was not as grand as I thought...but as it turns out, they moved the lobby so it would be off the beach - but the old lobby was so grand and beautiful as were the event rooms.

There were only two restaurants in the hotel, but many in the neighboring area.  The Ciprini is among the best restaurants in the city, and unfortunately I was not feeling well the evening the group ate there so I missed out.  The brunch buffet was expensive, but had many great options including shrimp 4 ways, lobster tails, oysters, fish, fruits, filet mignon, vegetables, salads, so many desserts, etc.

The pool area was nice and got very crowded on a nice day, leaving the opportunity to get a seat difficult.  The hotel serves food and drinks in the pool area.









My room was in the tower with the spa & Cipriani Restaurant.  The room was nicely decorated and I even had a balcony.  The closet was nice and the bathroom was huge.  There was no iron, but there was a hair dryer.  Each night at turn down service, the havaianas were placed by the bed.

The day I arrived, was the day Bruce Springstein was leaving...he was in Rio for the Rock in Rio concert.  What a great guy...he shook hands and took pictures with his fans for 20 minutes...several times a day. I took a picture of a colleague's wife with Bruce, but when I asked for a turn he got in the car and left...so although I was inches away and spoke a few words to him, I don't have a photo with him.

Copacabana Beach

The Copacabana Beach

The Copacabana Beach was very pretty, the only thing that took some getting used to was the small little bikini's.  The sand was soft, the water temperature was OK (I was there on their first day of Spring) and the waves were crashing.  There is a great view of Sugar Loaf and other mountains and the curved coast.

The day I was there was a Sunday so it was crowded.  It was great to see how the locals interacted.  There were a lot of fields on the beach, most were volleyball areas but then there were also enclosed areas for another sport that I didn't know.

Coconut Water

The sidewalk next to the beach had great designs for each neighborhood and shops for coconut water and other food and beverages.  The coconut water was heavy!  But it was also quite delicious and all for R$4, about $2 USD.  It is a must try if you are there.

Sidewalk in Copacabana

a possible dinner with ManFriend?

I heard from ManFriend yesterday afternoon.  This threw me off guard because I never thought I'd hear from him again, and I was OK with that.

He told me he wanted to reach out for a while, but he was re-diagnosed with cancer, and that upon hearing he contacted me because I was always so supportive and caring.

He continued to fill me in on his life and how great its been since he moved.  I felt like he was rubbing it in my face, I stayed quiet and didn't offer too much information.  Then he said something about what a wonderful person I am.  I lashed out. Modesty aside, I know I am wonderful, I certainly don't need him to tell me that, especially because in the end he treated me like a worthless nobody.  He apologized for his behavior saying that he probably needs therapy and end of relationships are hard on him.  He wishes he could go back and change things, but obviously he cannot.

I didn't want to hear his excuses and I told him I would change a lot of things too....but I can't, but there are many ways to apologize or show thanks.  None of what he said or did was sincere.

So then he asked to see me, take me out for a 'I'm sorry dinner'.  I didn't respond.

I feel bad his cancer is back...and if this is his reality check that he could die and wants to see me one last time, I can't be a bitch and not do it.  But I don't want to see him again....our magnetism is so strong.

What do you think?

packing routine and tips

I've traveled enough in the last few years, where that I've picked up a few tips.  My last job required/highly suggested that I do carry-on only, so I was limited to a carry-on suitcase and a small personal item.  This has always been a challenge when I mix business with pleasure as there is not a lot of room in these bags.

I use the zippered section (left in picture) for all my work clothes, usually folded in half (a skirt, 3 dresses, a jacket, pair of pants and three tops).  I have tried to bring clothes on hangers, but depending on the length of the trip, this is a challenge for me.  The big section (right in the picture) I use for 2-3 pairs of shoes, the bag that contains all my chargers or computer backup battery, my undergarments, casual clothes (usually 1-2 pairs of jeans, at least 4 tops, gym clothes - in the grey bag on the bottom left of the right side), my makeup bag, my hair straightener and then a few last minute clothes that I tend to throw in at the last minute, if there is room.

Several years ago, I purchased some bags that help you pack along - compartment like bags, along with shoe bags.  I love them both, I find they definitely help organizing me (although this time I only used one, so it is a bad representation) when packing.

My current job does allow us to check a bag, but since we didn't ship anything to the site this time, I didn't want to check those items, just in case the bag got lost.  And since I was adding a personal trip onto the business trip, I didn't want to lug more than 2 bags around.  On this particular trip, I have a few work items in the bag (6 adapters, 3 pens in nice boxes, and a box of name badges), which really caused me packing stress, that little bit of used room makes a huge difference.  In the front of the bag, I have two pockets.  The bottom pocket is large, so I put my work binder in there with my schedule and in the top pocket a pair of flip flops and extra zip lock bags.

My small personal item usually varies depending on the trip. I have a great bag that matches my luggage with a large inside area and small pockets on the side...but this is not a great bag if you are transporting a laptop...I guess if I bought a laptop sleeve it could work.  I liked having the outside pocket, especially at the airport to throw my wallet or plane ticket and receipts in.

Sometimes I bring a backpack, since it is nice to distribute the weight, but it is longer than it is wider, making packing with it a bit more challenging for me.  The backpack is my only bag with bottle holders, which is nice since I usually bring an empty water bottle with me.

The morning of my most recent flight, I headed over to Khols because they were the only store open at 8 am on a Saturday.  It turns out they had a bag I thought would work, although a little big and I worried about fitting it under the seat in front of me. I bought it anyway because I could return it if packing it was unsuccessful; I believe it was made by Chaps.  The 'boarding bag' has three compartments, one for a laptop and a few other thin items, and the other two compartments could be used for anything.  The middle I put my clothes for tomorrow as well as a bathing suit and the body of my camera.  The far right side I have my sunglasses, liquids and snacks. I found having the two smaller compartments might be great on another trip...but this trip was difficult because my camera with the two lens are so bulky.  I decided to use the bag, even though it is bulkier than I had hoped...but with only hours before I had to leave, I didn't have time to run around shopping for a better bag.  And this bag will be fantastic when I can check luggage and won't need to carry so much at one time.  I am very impressed with how much it can fit.

On top off all this, if I need sneakers or hiking boot for the trip, I will wear those on the plane, along with a fleece or jacket, because getting those into a carry-on bag would take up way too much room.

So everything is more or less packed tight and neat for the trip...but coming home is always another story! But, in this case, since I have such limited room, I might have to pack it just as tight and neat...good thing I took a picture, so I'll remember how it all fit in there.

Sometimes I am proud of myself for packing in carry-on for a 10 day trip that requires multiple attire.

Do you have any packing tips you want to share?

I committed

A few months ago when I was extremely weepy and emotional, Doofy said something to me, that I am fully aware of, but needed to be told from an outsider.  I have a fear of commitment.

The fear of commitment stemmed from SI of course. I thought I had my life figured out.  I was starting to settle down and I had someone there that would help me make those decisions that would affect our lives.  However, once that ended, I was very confused for a long time.  I didn't know if I wanted to move, or stay, hoping we'd get back together.  I felt like I was incapable of making any decisions because he was the one running the show, he made the decisions and I just waited.

Over the last 5 years, I have still struggled with this; how do I know if I am making the right decision? I don't like to fail, and by not committing to anything, I can't fail. I can't get mad at myself with another failed relationship or moving and hating it or finding a new job that I didn't like.  I was at a stand still not doing anything so I wouldn't end up more depressed.

But I wasn't getting out of my depression because nothing was changing.  Little by little things finally started to change.  Tackling one issue at a time helped me a little.  First was buying an apartment.  Even though I knew it wouldn't be super long term, I needed a place that was mine.  Second came ManFriend.  During our non-relationship, I had the opportunity to engage in conversation and physical stuff with one person over an extended period of time.  I had someone that I cared for.  I relearned what that feeling was like.  I started to gain confidence back because I knew ManFriend desired me so much that my outlook on life started to improve.  And when the time came to find a new job and interview, I was in much better spirits.

But something is still missing, I still feel disconnected to where I live.  Over the last few years, I saw that my library was looking for Board Members for a three year term. I figured this was perfect for me since I read so much, but I never applied because who knew where I'd be in three years.  Very recently, I saw a posting for a Board Member of a local non-profit that offers children services and applied for it.  They loved my experience and wanted to meet me, so I attended their board meeting.  I know I don't want to live here forever, but since I don't know when that will be, I can't let it stop me from doing things.

I debated about telling the truth, that my apartment is on the market or just accepting the position because it is something I wanted to do.  In the end, I told the president I was extremely interested but that my place was on the market, and it has been for a while. I let her decide if they would want to accept me knowing I might not be on the Board for years or if she thought it would be better to not be involved.  Fortunately, she said they would gladly accept me for however long I lived here, so I accepted.  I am very excited to learn new things and help and participate as much as I can.

The day I realized I was turning into my parent

How did you react the day you realized you were turning into your parent? 

I had a very happy childhood, no complaints.  I think my parents did a wonderful job raising their family...then and now.  We are still all very close, we get along well and there have not been any major issues with any of us.  Whatever their parenting skills are, for the most part they got it right and I aspire to raise my children half as well as they have raised theirs.

Speaking of children, people say that they are turning into their mother or father - because of something they do or say to their children that their parents said/did to them.

I do not have children and I am afraid I am already turning into my mother.  When I said "afraid' it isn't because she is horrible...she is unbelievably nice and I wish to become more like her...but I am not ready for that.  When I lived with my parents last year, I realized that I get my compassion and ability to love from my mother.  Such very wonderful qualities.  I have been this way for a while, that I care so deeply for someone that I want to do whatever is in my power to make them happy.

Entitlement

Some people wonder why our society is the way it is, with children and adults having this crazy sense of entitlement. 

It is reasons like this car sticker - princess on board - that, for me answers part of this question. 

Parents who pamper their children raise children who think everything should be handed to them.  They seem to not take any accountability for their actions and complain about everything - but are not willing to step up when needed.

OK, so I don't have children - but I did work in a school for 4 years or so. I have also been a part of society and have seen first hand the insanity people think they can get away with...and for the most part, they do because others aren't willing to argue because they don't want to deal with crazy people's repercussions.

There are times I do speak up because it annoys the hell out of me that people leave their garbage on the train, that they think it is OK to talk on their phone and carry on a full, loud conversation when in a public place, tickle their child on a commuter train who squeals really loud for 40 minutes, think they should pass a test because they only failed by one point, or double park causing massive traffic buildup instead of parking in a parking spot.  Why do you think you can do this, but I can't?  Why do you honk and flip the bird when other people do the same thing you do?

Going back to the sticker, a princess is royalty, and maybe in your household, your daughter does rule the home...because you allowed it.  When the child dictates schedules or menus there is a problem. When parents constantly give in to their child because it is easier, it is a problem.  That teaches the child that they can have whatever they want - and later in life, they will not understand why this can't be.

We aren't teaching children how to be a graceful losers, understand consequences of their actions, or about not being a bully, and in turn, we see these sad stories about kids throwing shopping carts over an overpass, killing their classmates, gang rape, teen pregnancy and drug addiction.

Many parents are busy working jobs to support their families, teachers are no longer allowed to discipline - so some kids are cruising around knowing they can probably get into shenanigans.  Helping the community kids is so important, we all need to find ways to be a better example.

Why I Chose My University Degree

I am envious of all the people that know what career they want to go into when they are young.  I struggled with what I wanted to do, how was I to really know what each job would entail?  In high school I considered becoming a doctor, a medical technician, a lawyer, an accountant and a teacher.  All very respectable professions.  When the time came to look at colleges, you had to know what you want to do to be sure the school offered that program.  When I looked at colleges, I made my decision on the feel I got from the campus.  I fell in love with the grounds and the buildings.  Then I looked to see what they offered and thought, OK those classes sound great.

During my first year of college I realized how much I loved science and math.  I decided I wanted to go into forensic science (this was before CSI), and that was only offered at like 6 schools in the country at the time.  I decided to transfer out to attend one of those colleges and began my studies.  I struggled in calc 2 because I couldn't understand my professor and I struggled in physics.  I loved biology and chemistry but spending all day in front of a microscope started to worry me.  I didn't know what the everyday job responsibilities of a forensic scientist would be, but I worried I'd get bored.  I started to wonder if I needed to change degrees.  I did, I took the easy way out and finished up the following semester with a criminal justice degree knowing full well I would probably not use it.  That is a decision I've regretted quite a bit over the years, I should have stuck it out and got the science degree.

A few years later I decided I needed to further my education because I was at a dead end.  I constantly saw accounting jobs listed and figured there was a huge need for this, so I enrolled in a college that had an exceptional accounting program.  I hated it.  But I was already immersed in the program so I took a few other classes and changed my major to strategic management - a very broad degree, but one that I did very well in understanding the concepts.

When I graduated, I was not really sure what my options were. I fell into my job and they did not pay me a graduate degree salary, but one more of a recent undergrad with no experience - which was somewhat true.  The college debt is massive and I've struggled to determine if it was really worth it.  I obtained my second job based on my experience, not because of my degree.  I am on the super slow extended plan to pay off the debt, which means I'll end up paying like 4 times what the original loan was...but who has that kind of extra money, especially when our salaries allow for us to barely pay rent/food/commuting costs?

changed me

People keep saying that you can't change people.  I am not sure I agree.  I am not talking about the socks your partner doesn't pick up off the floor or the way someone chews, I am talking about something deeper.

I look back at who I was 10 years ago and I look at me now; I am sort of the same person but I am different (overlooking the normal physical changes of aging).  I am who I am now because of the life experiences and people who have impacted me over those years.  If it weren't for those specific people and the situations we had together, I would be someone else.

Those people may not have intentionally tried to change me, but unknowingly they have.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the person I've become.  I am just not sure I would be who I am if it wasn't for those people.  My personality is a little more serious than it was, even though I still have a great fun side; it just takes the right person to bring it out. My trust level and fear of commitment has increased as well.  And I know I doubt myself a lot more now than I did then.  Why? Because when you are lied to, mislead and taken advantage of over and over, it makes you question who you are and you try to correct it so it doesn't keep happening...and therefore you try to change yourself because of those people.

I hate that I have been less confident and insecure; it is playing a toll on me.  I've done a lot of internal work to bring this back up to 'normal'; it has been a very slow progression, and I am way better than before, but not at a place I want to be.  

explaining singlehood to kids

I have brought a new type of person to into my nieces and nephews world.  The single adult woman.

The kids have been fortunate to live in a happy bubble.  They didn't know many divorced couples, maybe a few single mom's of their friends but for the most part my extended family and friends have all been in long lasting relationships.  All the married couples had children, and the children were still young enough to live at home.

And then I found myself single at 26 and had to move back home until I figured things out.  The kids were little and couldn't comprehend this concept.  Why was an adult living with their parents?

Every time they saw me, which was often, they would ask me why I wasn't married? Why was I living with my parents? What happened to that guy that I used to live with and came over for holidays?  Why was I an adult but didn't have children?

For a long time these questions would make me cry.  I didn't have answers for them.  I didn't want to be a single adult living with my parents. I wanted children.  I wanted to be married.  I was constantly in a position when I had to explain things to them, how not everyone is lucky enough to find love, that not everyone has children, that not everyone is happily married, and that not everyone who has children is married.  It didn't stop the questions, and all the other questions from my responses. And so every time I saw them, I was left explaining that life isn't perfect.  All the explanations would make me more sad because the feelings were still so raw they hurt.  How can you move on and be happy when you are constantly answering questions about why someone left you and didn't love you anymore, about what was wrong with you, and how come you can't find another boyfriend/husband.

Most of these conversations took place in front of my sisters and they never chimed in.  They allowed their children to ask me questions and continue to torment me for about a year, maybe more.  Eventually my cousin got divorced and the kids continued asking me questions as well as asking my cousin what happened to her husband. It wasn't fair for my cousin; I could handle the kids asking me, since I was more related to them, but she shouldn't have been subjected to that line of inquisition and neither should her small child.  Finally I asked my sisters to have a conversation with their kids to explain that not all adults are in these 'normal' relationships and to be accepting of these new kids of relationships, and to not ask the person going through a transition so many questions.

The questions did start to slow down, but they never went away.  Even now, 7 years later, they are still mystified that I do not have a husband or children.  They constantly ask me why I can't just get one.  If they see me talking to a guy, they assume he is my boyfriend and won't drop it for months.  They tease me about being single and how I can't get a husband.

But, one niece last year said she wanted to be just like me, not having parents or a husband to listen to, to be free to do whatever I want.  I was happy that she was starting to understand that women can be independent and have a single life.

The constant reminder of my relationship failure has been a very difficult struggle, but I guess that I grew from it.  All the explanations and justifications for the way I lived helped to remind me that it is OK, even if it wasn't the life I planned on.  All things happen for a reason and having faith is important.

new football fan

I think it is hysterical that this past weekend I was yelling at the football players on TV.  I was home alone watching football....who ever would have thought?

I wanted fantasy football points and I wanted to beat my opponent.  I was being mean - I was hoping that my player who dislocated his finger would come back out to play! How horrible, I think if I dislocated my finger I wouldn't want to play; then again I am not so tough.  And I was hoping other players would drop the ball or get tackled because they were my opponents players, not nice, I should want everyone to succeed in their jobs.

I was glued to the TV.  I didn't want to leave the house or to even use the bathroom because I didn't want to miss anything.  And even more frustrating I wanted to watch games that I didn't get, and I am not that huge of a fan to spend money I don't have on a better sports package.

My biggest challenge is to stay awake to watch some of these games.  Thursdays, Sundays and Mondays?  Yeah, I have to work the next day, so I go to sleep not knowing how my players are doing, and sleep a little restless.

Ah, the obsession that comes from a little friendly competition.  And when football ends....march madness is around the corner.

what other places have to offer

I've lived in almost the same area for a majority of my life.  I am curious what other places have to offer.  So, if you found this page, please add a comment below (it can be anonymous).  I want to know what are great things about where you live and the not so great things about where you live.

For instance:
Westchester County, NY - pros:  near the water/beaches, near NYC, great schools, 4 seasons, a lot close by, great commuter train line, plethora of entertainment (shows, music, festivals, museums)
cons: congested, high taxes, expensive, very competitive job market, not the friendliest group of people

Of course someone's pro might be another person's con (like a very snowy winter) but I like to hear about different perspectives.  Other commenters - just leave your perspective, don't bash someone else's.  Thanks.

12 hour day

I had a taste of working 10 hours + 2 hours commuting.  Yup, I left the house at 6:15 am and got home right before 8:15 pm.  What a long day.

I left 40 minutes early so I can talk with a neighbor about some building stuff, but when I got to work, I started working.

Unfortunately today was one of those days that I block off to work late...but I wasn't actually expecting to work so late because there really isn't need to do if people did their jobs.  Unfortunately, I was waiting for one thing to come in so I can do my job that needed to be done today.  At 6:30 I find out that I might not get the information...so I decide to do what I have to do without it and send it out.

I feel like I am not doing my job well because of it, but yet, I have no control.  I hope people don't associate the incompleteness with my efforts.  So I leave work at just about 7 pm and catch the train home.  And then the email comes through with the information I spent all day waiting for.

So I stayed the extra 2-3 hours for nothing, which is even more frustrating.  On top of that, I hoped to go to the grocery store because I don't have food for lunch the rest of the week, and I'll now be resorting to buying  lunch near work and spending that money which makes me cringe.

Anyway, point is, I give all of you who work this much credit because I did not enjoy such a long day.

virtual feelings

Way back when, people used to send love letters to each other.  In fact, my grandmother barely knew the man she started to write in the military.  But during all the correspondence, they developed feelings for each other and when he came home, they married.

These days, we have the Internet, email and text messages.  Unfortunately, it is too easy to develop feelings for someone you barely know; no wonder why there is so much cheating and divorce.

For example, let's say I have talked to a fellow that I know is involved in an early relationship.  Talking to him so frequently is wrong on my end but at the same time I enjoy our conversations so to stop is really hard.  I am sure millions of people feel this way and in turn, there is an emotional cheating and then perhaps acting on it.

Worse, I think about that early relationship and am jealous because while I think of that fellow, he is out getting laid and having dinner and doing whatever else people do while dating.  However,  his messages to me seem like he might be interested too, and by interested too, I mean there is an low level of flirting, nothing outright.

Add to that, I forget about the ACTUAL person, and because this is all virtual, I am making a new person. A person who as all the qualities I love in a small memory of being in awe when we met and I am forgetting all the other things...things that may not be significant, but aren't the good things. It is easy to get rid of the bad things when you are relating them to the person you've now invented.  This will set me up for disappointment later on because when our paths cross, I might not like the real guy compared to the one I've spent months casually chatting with.

And, I am so against cheating because of what happened to me.  And I slept with the guy and now we chat somewhat regularly? That isn't right if his relationship went from a few dates to over a month/relationship.  He very recently mentioned "I am not sure what to make of the relationship yet".  Which to me screams it isn't going to work...I know if I want to continue dating someone after date #2.  I'd think after a month he'd have a clue.  I can't but think I might be to blame.  Perhaps guys will date someone they don't really like just so they get laid regularly whereas I can go months without it.

I guess I need to fire him as my fantasy football consultant so I don't have a reason to email him twice a week; or him text me when one of my players made an awesome play.

polo spectator

Groupon gave me the opportunity to attend a polo match.  It was a perfect day to be outside and watch a sporting event.

I wish I read more about polo matches because so many people had these amazing picnics and alcohol. I was smart enough to bring a chair and a bottle of water, but I didn't bring any food.  While I wasn't initially hungry, seeing all the crackers & cheese and wine and grapes and appetizers, I would have loved to dig in...at least know in case I ever go to another match.

There must have been over 2,000 people there.  Honestly, I am not sure how many people actually watched the match.  Initially we sat about 4 chair rows in and couldn't see anything, so I am sure a lot of people were in that position as well, especially if they only had a blanket.  After we moved closer, because I didn't pay for a ticket not to watch the game at all, I noticed that many people were just chatting in their group.

Unfortunately there weren't speakers (at least where we were); it would have been nice to have someone announce the game.

Attire ranged from a gown to jeans, it was fun to people watch and see all the interesting outfits.  Especially the more wealthy.  There were a few gentlemen in nice shirts, a jacket, khaki shorts and flip flops.  A lot of women wore cute dresses.  There were some hats, but not as many as I thought we'd see.

After watching Pretty Woman, I was excited to be part of the divot stomping.  That is the half way part of the match when the audience gets to go on the field and fix the divots to smooth out the grass.

factory reset

My obsession with fantasy football was leading towards me absolutely needing the app on my phone so I can track my progress no matter where I am.  I decided to download it, and the next day, my phone kept complaining that it was low on storage.  I can't figure out WHY that is...first, I have such few apps because I don't play games or anything like that.  Second, the ones I've downloaded are mostly going to the SD card.  The SD card is only like 10% full but yet the phone only has a few MB left?

So, I started going through managing my apps and deleting a few including things I didn't know.  But a little while later I found out that the chat app I had wasn't working. I must have deleted something that app needed.  This was no good, I use that app all the time.  I didn't know what to do.  So, I decided to factory reset my phone.  This would solve the chat application and the phone storage space problem.

It was an easy process, and I kept all the information on the SD card (I backed up pictures, music and documents just in case).  Unfortunately I totally forgot about the text messages.  I had a few messages locked - I had a bunch from ManFriend about his desires for me, from Mountain Man with what I thought was a little flirting, from Cop#1 with his desires, and friends who sent important information.  I had information in my colornote with websites to look at, my to do list, my never list, wines I liked, etc....all that was erased.

OK, so it is great that I don't have ManFriend's texts anymore - I deleted him as a contact back in June, so this was actually a good thing (now to clean my emails of ManFriend & SIs emails!)...but some of that other stuff I should have thought a little bit more about.  Also, my email function is slightly different - I used to be able to check off a bunch of emails and delete all at once, now it wants me to do it individually - it might be a setting thing, but I haven't figured it out yet.

But, I was able to download the fantasy football app....so I am happy, for now.

wasted days

Frustrated.  Annoyed at myself.

OK, so the three day weekend was a complete waste. I didn't do anything.  I had good intentions of going for a long hike, but I worried about the isolated thunderstorms...bad excuse.

I also have to get cracking on studying, and I only read for about 4 hours.  Not good.  I know I am going to regret wasting all that precious free time because the next few weeks are going to get busy.

I am not sure why I am so unmotivated to do anything. I was even too lazy to pop in a DVD and instead watched hours of Mythbusters and the Brady Bunch.  And I ate a lot.

I thought a lot about money...and my lack of it.  I thought about looking for jobs in other states.  I chatted with a friend in another state and found out she just got engaged and is pregnant - and she was trying to convince me that I need a mid-western man like her's.  Then I kept thinking that too bad football wasn't on because I want to see my players get me some points! Oh My God, who am I?

I am not sleeping well again, it isn't 'stress' so much as it is about wonder.  I am having so many dreams about men.  Past men and future men.  My life, what it was, what I want it to be, and I think I am depressing myself because I get excited and then let down when I wake up.

OK, so the few first days of September were extremely lazy...but the rest of the month is busy, so maybe I just needed to do nothing to store up that energy for later this month.

not much different than you

I was chatting with one of my volunteers a few days ago and he was talking about all New York has to offer and that he imagined my life to be this amazing single in the city kind of life.  Always going out on the town, lots of friends, always things to do.

I felt bad laughing, but NO that is no where near my life.

I started to wonder...maybe it should be. Maybe I need to do more, maybe that would lead to more dating and meeting my future husband, maybe my life would feel more fulfilled.

But honestly, just thinking about that kind of life exhausts me.  It just isn't me.  And I don't think I want it to be.

I am more of a homebody, I enjoy being home and around family and some friends.  I like to do a few things locally - a hike, kayak, beach, things around the house, a meal out.  I like to keep busy during the day...but I don't hit up the bars or a club at night.  I think it is a good balance for me.  And honestly, I couldn't afford to have that other kind of single life.

The main difference between your lives and mine is that I live alone, my household isn't 2+ people.  I cook 95% of my meals, I work full time, I go to little league games and science fairs,  I help with homework, reports and studying for final exams (for my nieces and nephews), I do laundry, run errands and I manage the finances & household.  I even take vacations...but instead of going somewhere with screaming children like Disneyland, I go to places a bit more relaxing for me and instead of having an active and loud home, my place is virtually silent.  Being single doesn't mean a glorious fun life all the time, it just means less people are involved.

Just the other day, I heard on ten-ten winds that there are a lot more single households now than there were years ago...and I don't just mean because of all the divorces, but also those that never married.  I like to think that I helped set that trend...because out of all the people I know...I am the only one who has this kind of life.  People don't understand it and a lot of people think it is more glamorous that it really is.  It's been just a few days over 7 years since I've been single; shocking how much time has passed.  It took a while, but I am getting settled into my single life and I have my own routines and way of life that I actually am OK with.  If I was destined for a single life..at least I know I can handle it.

turning heads

I am a fairly modest person, I know I am not ugly but I have a hard time thinking I am good looking.  Maybe all the rejection and being single for so long is to blame.

While I love summer, the hardest thing is all the walking around wearing less clothing than in the winter.  And of course, I am getting older and I dress more conservatively than a 20 year old.  What do strangers really think of me? 

But I am happy to report that last week, I was still turning heads and men wished me a good morning.  I am not going to lie, this made me feel good.

However, I don't know if it is because I am attractive or if it is just because I have huge breasts.  

Gratitude List for August

My friend told me about a challenge she completed, and I thought it sounded like something I should do...think about a different thing I am grateful for each day.  I decided I wanted to make my list something relevant for that day...not just in general, so everything you read below is based on that particular day's experiences and thoughts.

In August 2013, I was grateful...

1. That I can pack for 8 days in a carry-on
2. That I can travel alone and be comfortable doing so
3. For fresh air and learning how to relax
4. For my health, allowing me to spend time in ways I enjoy
5. To having great friends, even though I don’t see them often
6. Having time, a little money, and the desire to travel
7. Experiencing new things, some of which I enjoy and others that I don’t
8. That I still do some things alone, and making use of time instead of pouting (although this isn’t
an all the time thing)
9. To have met a fantastic guy that gives me hope that I may not end up alone if there are still
people like him out there
10. For sex in the morning to start the day off right
11. For beautiful weather that makes me feel alive
12. To be blessed with having some amazing family friends
13. To have alone time
14. To be blessed with amazing sisters and a more amazing mother
15. That my boss appreciates me and/or my work
16. That my reading comprehension and spelling have improved
17. That I am fitting into some clothes that I haven’t worn in a while
18. That I am being financially more responsible and resisting urges to spend even more money
19.  A good night's sleep
20.  Commuting by train instead of a long commute by car
21.  For the ability to watch TV on demand when you want it
22.  That I don't live in an area that rains a lot
23.  For email and text messages that allow you to converse and learn about people so far away
24.  To have connections in the towing/car fix area
25.  For dustpans, so I don't have to touch a dead bug
26.  For wax...amazing how a little wax on your eyebrows can clean them and transform your whole face
27.  For leftovers...so I don't have to cook when I am tired and/or so hot
28.  For not commuting an hour by car each way, every workday
29.  For not bitten nails, so I can scratch my body and my scalp.  Feels so good.
30.  For a three day weekend so I can recharge
31.  For living near a body of water so I can kayak, swim, boat, fish, lounge, view and otherwise enjoy the water.

a hard habit to break

I've been biting/picking my nails since I was about 7 years old. I saw my father do it once when we were in the car and that was it for me.  So young to pick up such a horrible habit.

It has always been a part of me that I am embarrassed about.  When dating SI, he wanted me to kick the habit.  I tried that nasty tasting nail polish...but that lead to not only short gross nails but also to picked lips because the taste would end up on my lips and I couldn't stand it when I licked my lips.  Instead of one bad habit I now had two.  The nasty polish wasn't working, so SI started to file my nails, pushed back my cuticles and moisturized my hands.  It was really great to have someone else responsible for them, and for a while I actually started to do well.  I realized that while short uneven nails is disgusting, I kept doing it because I was so anal about what the longer nails should look like...and in my messed up head, it was better to have them short and gross because then it gives them chance to grow they way they should.  I know, it really probably only makes sense to me.  Having SI care for my nails for a few weeks made a great difference and I even went for a manicure.  Then, I went engagement ring shopping.  Great motivation for keeping the nails in good order.

Obviously that didn't work out and I neither did my nails.  While I would pick at my nails for no reason, stress was a major time when they would sometimes end up in my mouth.

When I was out with Mountain Man that one evening, we were talking about insecurities and I had quite a long list compared to him, and on the top of my list was my size and my nails.  He agreed nail picking/biting was disgusting.  And all I heard in my head was one of SI's reasons why he couldn't be with me...my hands. So, I tried so hard not to keep my hands too visible.

Two weeks after my return from my vacation, I realized that my finger was in my mouth when I was thinking. Shame on me.  At that point I made a conscience effort to once again try to stop biting my nails.  I took out the nail file and made them nice and smooth.  I tried to catch myself if I was about to pick...but the good thing was that with the filed nails, the picking subsided because the nails weren't uneven and nothing to pick at.  So, it has been only one week so far, but I think I am doing better now than I did ten years ago.

As you can see, they still need work.  I need to get a cuticle pusher-backer, maybe a very light nail polish, and more length.  I hope I can keep it up.  This was on my 30 goals for my 30's list....and I'd love to accomplish this.

left hand

right hand