Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I committed

A few months ago when I was extremely weepy and emotional, Doofy said something to me, that I am fully aware of, but needed to be told from an outsider.  I have a fear of commitment.

The fear of commitment stemmed from SI of course. I thought I had my life figured out.  I was starting to settle down and I had someone there that would help me make those decisions that would affect our lives.  However, once that ended, I was very confused for a long time.  I didn't know if I wanted to move, or stay, hoping we'd get back together.  I felt like I was incapable of making any decisions because he was the one running the show, he made the decisions and I just waited.

Over the last 5 years, I have still struggled with this; how do I know if I am making the right decision? I don't like to fail, and by not committing to anything, I can't fail. I can't get mad at myself with another failed relationship or moving and hating it or finding a new job that I didn't like.  I was at a stand still not doing anything so I wouldn't end up more depressed.

But I wasn't getting out of my depression because nothing was changing.  Little by little things finally started to change.  Tackling one issue at a time helped me a little.  First was buying an apartment.  Even though I knew it wouldn't be super long term, I needed a place that was mine.  Second came ManFriend.  During our non-relationship, I had the opportunity to engage in conversation and physical stuff with one person over an extended period of time.  I had someone that I cared for.  I relearned what that feeling was like.  I started to gain confidence back because I knew ManFriend desired me so much that my outlook on life started to improve.  And when the time came to find a new job and interview, I was in much better spirits.

But something is still missing, I still feel disconnected to where I live.  Over the last few years, I saw that my library was looking for Board Members for a three year term. I figured this was perfect for me since I read so much, but I never applied because who knew where I'd be in three years.  Very recently, I saw a posting for a Board Member of a local non-profit that offers children services and applied for it.  They loved my experience and wanted to meet me, so I attended their board meeting.  I know I don't want to live here forever, but since I don't know when that will be, I can't let it stop me from doing things.

I debated about telling the truth, that my apartment is on the market or just accepting the position because it is something I wanted to do.  In the end, I told the president I was extremely interested but that my place was on the market, and it has been for a while. I let her decide if they would want to accept me knowing I might not be on the Board for years or if she thought it would be better to not be involved.  Fortunately, she said they would gladly accept me for however long I lived here, so I accepted.  I am very excited to learn new things and help and participate as much as I can.

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