Wednesday, October 29, 2014

month three depression

I am having a hard month. I am not sure if it is the stress of still not having a job or a place to live or it is something more than that.  I am overly weepy.  I am not crying hysterical or anything, but I get teary throughout the day and I am getting lazy because I am depressed.  I find that I am not only talking to ManFriend, but that I am starting to wonder if I put on him this position without his consent and so soon after he got to heaven.  I feel like I should tell him he can go, he doesn't need to watch over me...but I am all alone out here and I feel like I need someone to make sure I'll be OK.  How selfish is that?

The depression isn't enough for me to return 'home' already.  It has only been 3 months.  But I am getting concerned about a job and a place to live.  Moving around isn't helpful because I am not establishing residency (although technically you become a resident of Colorado after 3 months) because I do not have an address.  I am torn between signing a lease somewhere for a year when I don't know where a job will be.  I haven't taken a part time job because I am moving around a bit...and I don't want to drive so far for minimum wage and spend all that money on gas.  But I need to do something.  Aside from my laziness, I am starting to lack motivation and I have way too much time to dwell on my sadness and loneliness.  I apply for some jobs, not as many as I should, I am still being picky...and I shouldn't be, but if I get an interview and an offer, I want it to be something that I am interested in, and not just anything.

I am also sad that I feel like I've wasted the last three months.  Aside from the job and apartment search and a few hikes, I haven't done much.  Should I have been taking up a new skill for a job?  a class?  got training in something?  applied for a board position?  started my own business?

I came out here for a better life.  One where I could be happy.  And while I am sort of miserable, it is not because of could be fantastic.  I love seeing the foothills and mountains, I've enjoyed the few hikes I've been on.  I love driving around the state and I want to see and do more.  This has so much potential.  I am not sure if I'll meet a guy before a job...and that would be OK.  But I need a job, a GOOD one.  One I can live off of  comfortably.  Really, I think it just comes down to money...and my fear that finding a job will take so long and that I'll go through my whole savings before I find a job.  It cost a bit to move out here and three months of no job is money spent on gas, rent, food, supplies and whatnot.  How many more months can I go with nothing coming in?  I guess I need to suck it up and get any part time minimum wage job in the mean time and travel where ever it is even though I know I am moving for November and again in December...and then we'll see.  Hopefully in the next three to four weeks I will have a better idea of where I will live from December on.

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