Friday, June 10, 2011

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

When SI and I were together, I remember the moment that I realized I loved him so much that death scared me. I was driving on the NJ Turnpike we were on the phone and just hung up.  I don't recall the conversation we had, but I remember that feeling after like - nothing can happen to me now...I can't die because I love this man way too much and I need to do all these things with him.  I started to fear him driving so much (maybe this also had something to do with him being MIA for days at a time) or being on the highway and stuck in traffic for horrible accidents. I would always count my lucky stars that I was still around.

After the breakup with SI, I was miserable, completely and utterly miserable.  Although some days weren't as bad because he would feed me information that would make me believe we'd be together again, but the days that didn't feel right, the days that he didn't respond or was cruel...those days I thought about death.  I never thought about suicide to the point where I ever considered I would do that to myself.  But I did think at times that SI would/should. Horrible right? Anyway back to me.  More often than not, my thoughts turned to what it would feel like to die and ways to die or not caring about dying.  I would stand on the train platform waiting for my train and it would come and I would think - what if I just fell in front of the train?  Why didn't anyone push me onto the track? Or going into Penn Station/Grand Central Terminal and thinking what if a terrorist bombed this area right now and I blew up into millions of pieces?   I knew I didn't care what happened to me, but I wasn't going to go out of my way to do it to myself...but if fate had it happen, then so be it. I accepted it.

I am happy to report that although I am still OK that I can not control certain destinys like being a victim of some sort of mass destruction (tsunami, earthquake, bomb, etc) I no longer think about what it would be like to die on a daily basis.

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