Monday, November 17, 2014

the need for a forgiveness email to ManFriend

I was on the phone/hold for 90 minutes, I couldn't do much, so I was in my email and came across that forgiveness email I sent 4 years ago.  Even after 4 years, it was so touching, that will be one email that I don't delete.  My list was great and the brief dialogue after was emotional too.  Isn't it crazy after another 4 years I can still tear up and cry.  Not for the guy...but for what I went through, memories of a happy time that I really haven't had since, and maybe for how far I've come.

Of course some things are still painful: the fact that I am single, childless and sort of without direction.  I am so unsettled.  It goes without saying this is not how I thought I'd end up, I never imagined I'd be single in my 30s and as of today, without even a prospect of a significant other.

Where are they?  I really don't care.  He is probably married with kids; and I don't care if he is happy or not.  She, well, I think she is happy I moved across the country.  I say that because when I changed my LinkedIn profile to Colorado, she stopped stalking me (viewing my profile under her name).  Maybe she is finally satisfied that I am not with him.

Anyway, the time and thought I put into that forgiveness email really helped me mentally; I felt much better afterwards.  So, I started to wonder if I need to make a similar list for ManFriend.  I still think about him all the time and aside from my few post-mortem emails, I can't ask him for his forgiveness and get a response.  Maybe if I write it and send it to his email or post it here...maybe I will feel better.  I need to let go of this sadness and guilt for not doing more for him.  At the same time, this list will remind me of both the bad and good and I will be thankful for the brief time I had with him.  It is worth a shot.


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