Sunday, December 9, 2012

a possible family extension

I am currently at a point in my life where I see a pregnant woman and I think...'good luck' or 'ugh' anything that goes along with I have no desire to want that. I hope it is temporary.

The last 10 months or so, my period became regular - a first for me in about 17 years.  As much as I am newly bothered by the period routine, at least I know I am fertile, and can possibly have a child - a dream of mine for the last 13 years.  Although I question if I really want to bear a child now, I never wanted a baby this late in my life.

So, imagine my dismay when my now regular period does not arrive this month.  I think, have I been stressed?  No, I have very little stress in my life now- a very good thing.  Have I been eating something different?  Well, aside from my new disinterest in eggs/egg whites for breakfast every morning - I can't say that anything stands out.

Of course I begin to worry about a pregnancy.  I am not good about taking my pills regularly all the time.  Sometimes I go 3-4 days forgetting when I am really busy in the evening   Sure, I have regular bland and boring quick sex with ManFriend, although he calls it making love, when we are the farthest thing from love.  We use the trusted pull out method.  So there is always a possibility.

At my job we can only change over our insurance once a year, and the pregnancy/new mother option is better in the other insurance.  Something to consider.   Additionally, I have been seriously considering buying/renting a new place, one with two bedrooms, and I wonder if it is a sign...because, after all I wanted that other bedroom for a kid.

So of course this gets me thinking.  I am not at a place to want a kid right now, I need a little more time.  And if I did want a kid - as a single mother, I want a kid, not a baby, yes, adoption/foster child.   And what about ManFriend?  We've been doing this for a year, but there is no future in it.  Would I tell him? Would I just let things fade, as I suspect they will by January 1st, if not by yesterday.  I don't want to worry about co-parenting with someone I don't want to see the rest of my life.  No thanks.

So, before I get to crazy thinking, I figure it is best just to take a test.  I didn't want to waste the $13 on something I was sure was going to be 95% negative - but there is that slight chance, that makes the $13 worth it.

I was right, it was negative.  So, one bullet down for now. I don't have to worry about carrying ManFriend's child.

So now I am thinking about my future - I still definitely want a two bedroom (minimum) just in case, and I am dreaming about my little kiddos - but I never see them as a baby, just about 6 years old.  Time will tell.

1 comment:

  1. There are so many great children in foster care looking for an amazing home. How blessed they would be to call you mom. Maybe after the holidays, your future will be more clear and you will have a better understanding of what direction you want to take in regards to parenthood. I've always said you don't need a man to be a mom ;)