Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Man Friend Roller Coaster

Man Friend and I have been doing this friend thing for 10 months.  That is a long time considering.  I knew as soon as I got my first glimpse of him that something would happen between us.  During this time we have had way too many ups and downs - which steams from the timing of a year with a lot of personal issues going on. 

Back in February - April I really started liking this guy, and started wondering about what it would be like to spend more time with him and be in a relationship with him.  But he has had in incredibly tough year, and he pushed me away.  Because I don't want to be hurt (not that I think I can ever be more hurt that I was with SI), I followed Man Friend's lead and removed myself emotionally from our non-relationship.  He is conveniently located, a great kisser, and I find him very attractive most of the time.

But it is really hard to be emotionally distant and still see someone so often.   The whole thing has been very confusing for me.  I tried ending it twice because I am not getting what I want out of it...but I am a sucker for seduction and let it continue.  He tells me all the time how lucky he is that I am interested in him.

I have let Man Friend control everything.  He wants distance, I give him distance.  He wants more interaction, I give him more.  After a while of the 'more' he tells me I am too needy.  so I back up but then he tells me I am too distant.  I don't know why it is so hard to find something that is good for both of us.

Not only the time, it is what we do that he controls.  Most of the time we watch sports.  I am not a sports person, I've learned a lot this past year and I wouldn't mind if it was some sort of compromise.  I don't know if he has what I need from him...and as much as I wonder about maybe liking him, this is the one area that I am completely neglected.  But what I want goes hand in hand with a relationship.  I want someone to do things with - nothing crazy.  Enjoy the seasonable day outside going for a walk, a date to a wedding, a movie I want to watch, an outing at a festival, spending a day together, etc.

Sure, we've been to a few Yankee games - when I get tickets and invite him...but I did it because HE likes that, not me.  Last year we went holiday shopping together one day, and I enjoyed that.  Simple things.  I was hoping that since he had a really hard year, that when things got better, he might be more apt to wanting to leave his apartment.   Unfortunately, things haven't gotten too much better for him.

And of course, since I don't have a ton of money, I usually show a man that I am interested in them by cooking/baking for them.  I know he appreciates it, but I don't do it too often because I wonder if it is weird.

So last week when I told him I didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore, he was understanding.  He said he knows that I am not getting what I need.  I told him I went on a few dates, but nothing will transpire - and that I am attracted to him.  I just wish he was able to give a little more.  I am a bit of a homebody but there are times I want to do things. I don't think it is asking too much.  We see each other way  more than the casual sex encounter, we are drawn to each other physically, but since we are not in a relationship we keep our frequent encounters to short bursts of time.  But the day after I told him that I saw him again and I got the feeling back that I had in February and I couldn't wait to see him again...but when I did see him he was all funny/grumpy.

It may all be moot because he might be moving far away.  And I've thought about this a bunch in the last few days, and realized I would actually miss him.

This whole thing as been a learning experience for me.  After SI, I barely dated let alone anything 'serious'.  I didn't have a rebound relationship.  I just fooled around with people for experience and knowing it was  just 'fun'.  Man Friend has been something like a relationship - perhaps a very late rebound?  He has given me hope that there are still nice guys out there, some single people are attractive, and confirmation that I am good in bed.  All things I need going forward.

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