Monday, April 22, 2013

I said it

I arrived at ManFriend's apartment at 12:30am; he was sleeping. I told him we could go right to bed. The lights were out, and he starts kissing me. I was surprised knowing how tired he was but I go along with it. I straddle him and immediately he says "say it" to which I reply "that I love you?" So, I said, "I love you 'ManFriend'". "Say it again" he demanded. So, I said it again. He said he loved me too. And he came, approximately 60 seconds from when I got on top of him. That was not how I wanted to tell him, I would have rathered seen his face and not said it with him inside me.  Why did he demand I say it then?

Earlier that day I stopped over to give him something. I hadn't seen him in like 9 days, so I went over once again after I talked myself into that I wasn't going to see him again after this week.  But as soon as I saw him, that hatred feeling quickly disappeared. I was there about 30 minutes and we made out, like teenagers.  He again told me he wanted to continue seeing me after he moves, and I question him about it; I am not sure.  He asks if this is real. The 'this' he was referring to was our connection, the intensity, the love, the attraction.  Of course it is. I love making out with him, BUT I keep telling him it isn't enough.  He even was talking about football, and told me I was going to a game with him...hmm, that it many months away - I am happy he is finally realizing he wants to be with me.  Part of me wonders if I should try. But I really don't think the rest of our relationship is going to change...and I can't be in this anymore.  A year and a half, and while I love him, I don't think I am in love with him. I also am concerned we see each other a lot less, and all those 'normal' things couples do, we still haven't.  He tells me not to compare our relationship with others...but I am jealous for that kind of relationship. I know I am not happy, and that is so important. 

When we woke up we went out to the bagel place, and I was happy that he finally didn't kick me out. I drop him off and told him to call me later so we can have sex. Late that night he suggest yogurt instead...and the ManFriend rollercoaster ride starts again...yogurt over sex??? When will I get it when I want? When can I be more fulfilled? I left and I wanted to cry. It wipes out all those feelings of love. 

So, soon, I will be breaking his heart because I think he will be surprised, although I don't know how, if he knew me at all or listened to all my concerns, he will know this is coming.

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