I ran into ManFriend at the library on Saturday. We chatted for about 5 minutes; it was a little awkward, and I am not sure why.
On Sunday ManFriend texted me asking if I was free in the evening so we could 'hang out'. With nothing else going on, I agreed. Although I am hesitant to keep going over - I don't want to get rusty.
I go over, and he was still a little drunk from the football game. I like chatty/drunk ManFriend - he talks so much more (granted most of the time he repeats things). So as we snuggling and kissing, he tells me that seeing me the day before really hit him and he wants more. He wants to take me away and he wants me to sleep over more often because he really likes that, and he wants to know more about me. He said we've had a lot of ups and downs and he wants some of that awkwardness to go away. He is not sure why sometimes we talk more and other times not...and that he is giving what he is getting...and I told him he has been in complete control of our 'progress' because he kept pushing me away, so I was only giving him what he seemed to want. A vicious cycle.
Then he asked me how I felt about all of this. I smiled and was hesitant...how did I feel? I mean, at this point, I feel nothing. I could have felt more months ago (December - April/May) but then he pushed me so far away at kept me at this safe distance where I completely withdrew. I had to. I couldn't develop feelings for him and then get hurt. But I was definitely at the stage during that time where I could have easily liked him. We have this weird pull, he even commented on it, that keeps us coming back for more - and was instantaneous from the first second I met him...I knew there would be something between us.
I distracted him from the conversation with kissing. When we were more intimate later he kept telling me how much he loves it. I think he even called me love (but I ignored it since he was the sex talking).
So I really didn't answer him. I want a relationship, a real one. But at this point...is it too late? Probably not...but if I dated him, am I settling? I really enjoy hanging out with him, but if I do it more frequently, will he still be interesting? I have always worried that I'd be bored in a relationship with him. Add to that, I am attracted to him, but his stamina is a bit low. I think if I am asking myself these questions that it is telling me not to date him. But maybe I am just scared of two things 1) a relationship or 2) will dating him until I meet my fh not hinder me from meeting my fh or maybe even 3) will our 'relationship' really change at all? We've been doing this since December - 10 months.
Thank goodness I have an insanely busy week, so I can hold off and think a little more.