Matchmaker Date #2

After telling my match makers that I was willing to meet this retired police officer, I didn't hear back.  I thought that maybe I didn't meet his expectations when he saw my picture.  Mind you - I didn't get a picture, I'd rather not since after the last picture of the old dweeb they sent me. 

But retired cop did call me eventually, and he was surprisingly fun to talk to.  You know when you talk to someone for the first time and it is all awkward?  Perhaps one of the reasons why I hate talking on the phone. This conversation was about 45 minutes, Holy Toledo right?  He was funny and interesting and the conversation just rolled.  

After 45 minutes - and I had NO idea that much time lapsed - we made plans to meet on Saturday, but with promises he'd call on Thursday to confirm. Unfortunately I had to change the day...so we spoke again on Wednesday for 55 minutes.  I just can't get over the great conversations and how easy it is to talk to someone.  We even briefly talked about this matchmaking thing - he is not a client - and how it could work since going out a lot at our age is hard.  We spoke again Thursday to 'firm up plans' and spoke for another 45 minutes.  I seriously was starting to wish this guy would be decent looking since our conversations were good.

Friday I stressed about my outfit. I didn't know what to wear, usually I wear jeans, but since I went straight from work, that wasn't an option, so I settled on a navy blue skirt and blue/white shirt.  I realized in the morning why I don't wear a lot of skirts in the non-summer, since I don't know what shoes to wear with them.  I ended up going out on my lunch and bought beige wedge peakabo shoes.  They looked good - but I don't think my feet looked good in them.   I also brought some makeup to work to touch up, as well as my hair straightener (it was a really bad hair week).

So we finally meet, and he wasn't unattractive.  Our date lasted from 4:30 - 11.  So it was good enough for a 5 1/2 hour date.  I had a few drinks our conversation rolled, then I took the train back home & he texted me to make sure I made it home safe. 

I am still trying to decide what I should write in my review of the date for the matchmakers.  I don't know how I feel.  I know we aren't supposed to compare past people with the present ones....but isn't that somewhat normal?  Although, in all honesty, I am not sure who I was comparing him to.   Can anyone live up to SI?  Or be as attractive as Cop#1?  My date had a lot of commonalities with me and a lot of things I like....but at the same time, he didn't have some of the qualities of HSK that I don't like, but somehow secretly desire even though that is BAD.  Then there were things that were just so-so.  There were a few moments on both our ends when a question led to an uncomfortable response - but that is to be expected.

I wonder if I was just way more comfortable with HSK because I knew it wasn't going to be anything serious...so I really was relaxed, fun and enjoyed it.  Whereas, I approached this as a potential husband - which carries with it more pressure - and therefore even though it was a good date....I get all nervous, keep looking at the man asking myself if I can see myself with him and maybe not see the smaller picture. 

I know I am supposed to approach all opportunities as just that - a day/night out with nothing to worry about, just to enjoy each moment as it is.  That is easier said then done.

Oh I don't know.

Background check

A co-worker suggested to me that I should get a background check on my potential mates.  Sure that makes total sense - if I don't want a felon. But what is included in the standard packages for someone?  Generally:

• criminal record
• drug background
• property they own
• debt
• marriage/divorce history
• licenses
• registered voter
• court records
• children

If you hire a private investigator, they will also follow this person for a while and might be able to dig up a little more dirt.

The above sounds like it would be helpful...but just because someone doesn't have a criminal record yet - doesn't mean you'll end up happy or that your significant other won't have issues later on.

So, I wonder, is it worth it?  It might be if you meet someone online and before you pick up and move to Montana you need to know certain things. But for the most part, I don't really think it is.  There may be times when something doesn't feel right and you know your beau is concealing something - but it might not be what you think.  If that is the case then you might want to consider it, but if you have to go through all that, does that mean you don't trust someone enough and perhaps shouldn't be with them?  I wonder, if I had a background check on SI before picking up and moving in with him, if anything would have come up.  Maybe I would have saved myself a lot of time in the recovery...but I doubt it, I still would have been shocked and hurt and tried to work it out.

I'll keep this idea in the back of my mind when I get far enough in a relationship to not risk loosing so much of myself but I really hope I won't need to utilize these kinds of services.

the outcome doesn't bother me - but the execution of it pisses me off!!

I don't understand the male logic.

How is it OK to snuggle and kiss a girl in front of your friends & tell her you like her; comment to your friends that she is excellent wife material and then a day later find excuses to not hang out. 

How is telling/showing people you are hanging out with somone-- but then not.... but yet the friends think it is still going on or ask you questions.

How can you say you want to chill - but remind me that you don't have time...but yet you still make time for 'fun' which you admitted.  [which as I remind you all, I am fully aware people make time for what they want - which is how I know people lie].

What kind of person does something like that?  I am absolutely fine with the outcome since in all honesty - drama and crazy was written all over that...but it is the principle of it - the execution of how it was handled that really pisses me off.  I was hoping for a spring/summer fling but clearly not with HSK. 
I should have known better, I mean, what kind of person uses the word 'ridonkulous'?

Let's keep our fingers cross something better comes along.

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by too many choices; especially when there are so many choices I like.  Take for instance the menu at Taco Bell.

This week I went through the drive through - but panicked because someone was soon behind me before I got a chance to really think about what I wanted to try.  Going in would have been smart - but when it is empty the cashiers stare at you wondering why it takes you so long to decide what you like.  If you go into fast food restaurants, for the most part you know what you like/want so it shouldn't be so difficult a decision.  I stuck with the 'usual' but threw in an extra item just to expand.

I love the double decker taco supreme.  But they added this new cheesy sauce to it. I didn't like it as much as the original.  The original is amazing.  A soft shell smeared with refried beans and a hard shell stuck to that filled with the usual taco fillings - meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato and sour cream.  It is filling.

My other item I like to get on occasion, but don't too often because it is so bad - is the Chalupa Supreme. I love the chalupa shell.  Soft but chewy.  Yum.

This time I also got a volcano taco, which wasn't wonderful, although it did have good flavor.

But since we are talking about things I like at Taco Bell...I think it is worth mentioning the crunchwrap.  This huge flat wrap is so filling, I don't need to eat anything else. 

I don't eat fast food often, but when I do, I tend to choose Taco Bell.  There is just something about it.  It isn't by any means the best tacos...I eat those at home.  But it is good and cheap.  There are so many other things I want to try off their menu eventually - what are some of your favorites?

Get more organized people!

Is it really so hard people, to keep your important documents in a file or folder or filing cabinet?   So when you need important information you know where to look?  To me, it seems like common sense.

But no...way to many people think it is easier to call me (or some other poor soul somewhere) and have me resend it to them via fax or mail.  They think I just sit on my ass all day doing nothing...waiting for something so retarded to do.

I am constantly telling people they have a copy of their certificate and letter and when it was mailed out to them. I am reminding them of the importance to keep this information in a 'safe' spot so they can refer to it when they need to. 

I've gotten smarter.  Now I tell them I will do it within two or three days.  None of this fax it over right now stuff.  Stopping what I am doing takes time. And it is re-work:  work that has already been done.  I am tired of it. 

Believe it or not, I do understand that it is part of my job.  But I do not believe their emergency makes it an 'emergency' on my part, since I already provided this information in the past.  If they were that desperate to have the information...they will find it with out me.

Some people get upset that I won't do it on the same day.  But have any of you called a state/federal or any large organization?  Things don't get done in a day.  I work fast, I get my job done...but re-work is a huge inconvenience for me.

So - if you are not organized...get organized. It isn't that hard to put things in a file or folder.  It takes less time to open a drawer and pull out the file and write down what you are looking for than to have to wait for me to do it. 

Miss Independent

Today marks my three year anniversary of owning my apartment which in turn is also my three year anniversary of my independence. I know it isn't a lot, but for me it is a special day that I plan to celebrate drinking a glass of wine - by myself.

First, living alone was a big adjustment. As much as I miss having someone around to talk to or hang out with in my free time...living alone has some great advantages like doing whatever you want whenever you want. Having the place as clean or messy as you want it to be - not cleaning up after someone. Having people over whenever you want with out having to think about someone else. You get to decorate your space however you like. No compromises. Aside from living with a beau, living with family was challenging too...what if I didn't want to come home? They would worry...but now that I have an apartment, no one knows when I come and go. Or the constant questions about where I was going and who I was going out with.  Even what I'd eat for dinner; sometimes you just aren't in the mood for what someone else makes...and other times it is a godsend since you may not have wanted to cook.

Second, knowing I can live alone financially was a huge achievement for me. I honestly, didn't know how expensive things were. I didn't really think that 70% of my salary would be living expenses...which didn't leave money for 'fun' things...but somehow I have managed...but with some credit card debt. [which I hope to pay down]. Knowing I can support myself was important to me because when SI and I were together, he supported me. I didn't know if I could do it on my own, I haven't completely...but I am mostly there. I mean, sure I am not getting monthly help from anyone (although I do take some toilet paper or paper towels from my parents on occasion) - but I'd eventually like to not have to pay for groceries or gas on my credit card and have some extra money to go out on ocassion. Then I would be happier.

A lot of people don't realize that living alone is really hard. So many people can split the bills with their partner. So even if they are living in the same size apartment as me...that is two incomes. Of course you can go on vacation and not have as much debt.  This part of the country is very expensive - my small 650 square foot apartment is more money then big houses down south or in the midwest and unfortunately my salary is not 3 times theirs.  It is a struggle.

I had a hard time adjusting but I think it is safe to say that in the last three years, living alone has been relatively nice. I feel that I am more aware of things than I was before including prices and repairs and I have learned to be a little more handy. All really good qualities...but I do fear that I have become too independent and standoffish that makes a guy somewhat intimidated.

I will admit that I hope living alone is temporary. I'd really like to find me a man to live with. As annoying as it is to pick up socks...I didn't mind dotting over my man and all that snuggling and baking.

Have I really changed that much?

Friday I went out of my comfort zone again, which is great since I try to do one thing outside my comfort zone each  month.  This month, I hung out with two of HSK friends with out him.  Well, I mean, technically I was friends with these guys too sixteen years ago.  But since I haven't seen them in so long, it is like they were HSK friends or are new friends to me now.  I saw them for a little bit 2 weeks ago and well they were so nice about me back in the picture they insisted we'd hang out again soon.  HSK had zero desire to see me, but since I was off from work, why not hang out with his friends?   OK, so that sounds a little creepy, but honestly, it was just re-getting to know you stuff.  And maybe I had hoped he'd want to hang out a bit too.

It is a little awkward seeing people you haven't seen in so long again. I had no interest to go to my ten or fifteen year reunion.  ZERO desire.  I did not like very many people and did not keep in touch with more than 1 person for more than 5 years after high school.  I liked that people had no idea what happened to me or where I went.  Sure, I was always a little jealous that some people who don't leave the area stayed friends and still seem to be friends years later - and I would love to have a few great friends like that, but to me, it wasn't worth it at the time. 

I also have to learn to loosen up a little bit; and that has been brought to my attention a lot in the last month or so.  I have such a bad memory but apparently I was quite outgoing and happy in 9th & 10th grade.  I know what changed then to push me away from my 'friends' but then even the years after college when life became more serious as I started to face what it meant to be an adult, then unfortunately the drama and depression of a devastating break up.  I lost myself. I was too uptight and serious.  My 'new' friends were a bit surprised that I wasn't that same fun and somewhat crazy girl I used to be.  They didn't believe I never smoked or used drugs, but a few drinks and I did loosen right up.  They didn't change as much as I did apparently - actually they were quite the same, and again I realized why I was friends with them back in the day.  

Anyway, I hope that I can be a little more carefree and fun and spontaneous but at the same time, I like being mature and responsible.  I hope I can find a happy medium.

Condoms

I posted earlier about finding a condom in a parking lot...but then I kept thinking about condoms- and I am sure a little research would provide me with the answer.  See, I am naive, and I don't know much about condoms. 

From my past experiences, I will tell you that:

1. I am really bad about using them and don't very often. Usually the first time or two and that is it. Unless the guy is skeevy...which case he gets one all the time (which should make you question why there is more than one occurrence!)
2. I bought a fishbowl (144) of them since I was convinced after my breakup I would have a lot of sex...but I think I ended up with MORE. Figure that one out.
3. A condom slipped off a guy and was temporarily 'lost'...which defeats its whole purpose.
4. In one session, 5 condoms were used...doesn't that sound excessive?
5. I have no idea how to put on one

I do know they are a thin rubber like material wrapped in a foil like square.  Some come lubricated some aren't.  Some are textured with ribs, other are not. The varieties seem endless - and I don't know if there is really a difference in pleasure.  Some might even be glow in the dark.  Sure, I get all that.  Although, for the life of me I don't understand why some are flavored. I think if you are going to have a penis in your mouth, it shouldn't have rubber on it.  If someone has an STD, perhaps they just skip oral sex all together!

But do condoms come in a variety of different sizes?  Penises vary in size so much. I understand most guys want to be big and huge...but they shouldn't be buying the XXL if it won't fit.  But what if a 'regular' condom is still too big?  Do they make [extra] small? 

I was under the impression that a guy should be responsible for carrying a condom with him.  He knows what brand and what 'style' he likes.  But sometimes you don't met a boy scout, and he isn't prepared - or assumes the girl has one. And so, a woman should be prepared if she thinks she might get laid.  But is she supposed to buy a variety of sizes not knowing what her potential suitor might have, just in case?  And then once she sees it, opens a certain drawer to get out the appropriate size.  Imagine, a set of drawers labeled xs, s, r, l, xl?  That might freak the guy out...being overly prepared.  Or maybe she only wants to be prepared for a certain size - but if that is the case - let me share with you that size can be deceiving. 
       Sure, I didn't have sex with the guy from last year, whose penis was the size of my pinkie - and I didn't do it because it scared me how small it was but I did have sex with a guy that was very very big, and it was not enjoyable at all.  I've had a few medium/regular and one short but fat one that was just fine.  But I've also had a slightly smaller than average that was the most pleasurable.  So try not to be like me and rule someone out until you try it. 

Anyway, I got a little side-tracked there.  I have a lot of free time sometimes at work, that I can look up this kind of stuff...but why bother?

Condom rant

I was walking to the train, as I do every morning and again see a used condom in the parking lot.  It really got me wondering, since I have seen about 5 of them in the last few weeks - if people are being so reckless as to have sex between cars - that they would stop to put on a condom.  It seems like deciding to do it in a parking lot is either:

• a thrill that you might get caught
• the desire/urge that you can't control a moment longer (horny)
• forcing yourself upon someone else  (rape)
• knowing that you are engaging in an activity that is a secret (cheating)

I am surprised that one would put a condom on in those scenarios.   It is like, look I don't want to get an STD or you pregnant, but I am not willing to take you home. 

On top of that, they leave their used condom there - as a mark of their accomplishment - so more than likely it wasn't a rape.  If you are prepared with a condom, shouldn't you also have a tissue or bag to dispose of it?

I also wonder, did they drive there or did they just so happen to walk and decide this is a great private place? 

I am all for the outdoor adventure and a thrill here and there - and maybe I'll set out to have a quickie in the train parking lot - but is it so hard to take your condom with you when you are done?

liar liar pants on fire

I know I am a relaxed and easy going person but that doesn't mean certain things don't piss me off.  I know it is my fault since I allow people to walk all over me and take advantage of my sweetness.

Some examples are:  lying, misleading, cheating, last minute cancellations and immaturity among a few others.

Is it so hard to say something like "I met a stripper and she turns me on a lot more than you - you fatty, so I can't see you anymore"  "you are too nice for a bad boy like me"  "I'd prefer to not hang out anymore"

Instead, guys think it is OK to either string a gal along or think that ignoring her is the best way break it off.  Sure, most girls aren't stupid - and we do get the hint...but why do we need a hint?  Why can't the guys man it up and just tell the truth? Why do they think it is better to be all sly?

Remember the Mexico disaster?  Essentially Doofy just got all crazy weird after he decided nothing was going to transpire between us.  Granted, I already knew that after a few hours...so there was no need to be so harsh in his actions, when I felt the same way.

More recently someone said they'd call and didn't.  Why bother saying that if you don't mean it?  Same goes for the "I didn't have time" arguement, there is time...but the truth is, you just don't want to - but you DO make time for things you want to make time for and its just not me (I have a lot of experience in this category).  I put up with enough lies in my past that I can't deal with that sh*t.  Especially when I am given the wrong signals - and feel like I was blindsided in a sudden change of mind.  Maybe it was unintentional - but I doubt it. 

I think lying is one of the worst qualities a person can have, but then again maybe I am too honest that I just don't understand so many people.  Maybe I am jaded since I was mislead, lied to and cheated on in my last relationship...but I think it it is really just common courtesy.

I want a 60-40 relationship.  Where the guy is 60% in love with me and adores me and tries hard to keep me around.  Maybe I am slightly out of his league or I can do better...that is fine since it will make me want to stay with him even more when he shows his affection.  If you want to date me...you are going to have to do more of the work in the beginning since I am tired of going out of my way for apparently no reason.

The longest three minutes

When I was in my twenties, I knew I wanted children.   I wanted a few actually since I was one of four, I knew how amazing it was to have siblings, especially as adults when they are more of a friend than anything else. 

I wanted to be a 'young' mom.  I wanted my first child in my 20s when I had the energy to run after him and stay up through the night...be young enough to appreciate the college years and weddings and future grandkids. 

Now however, I worry that my ship has sailed.  I know I am still young, but I don't want to have a kid in my 40s.  There are many days where I have decided I don't want children and then other days, I want to get knocked up.  I am so inconsistent.  I just assume that my future husband will be the deciding factor. If he wants kids, I'll do it.  If he doesn't, no problem.  Or maybe instead of a large family, we'd just have one.

I have shared in the past that I worry I will have a hard time getting pregnant since I rarely get my period.  My ob/gyn I selected specializes in infertility and I picked him out a good ten years ago; just in case.

At the beginning when it was common for me to go three months with out a sign of a period, I did worry and I would take some pregnancy tests.  I doubted I was pregnant since I was on birth control and used the lame 'pull out' method. Regardless, it is always a slightly stressful time because you think - what if it is actually positive?  What would I do? Do I like this guy enough? etc.  There is no question that I would have the baby. I couldn't even think about aborting it - unless there was a huge medical issue (criticize if you must, we are all entitled to our opinions). 

Over the last few years, I have heard about so many surprise pregnancies.  I wondered how single adults could accidentally get pregnant, since they are responsible enough to take precautions.  They have these guy's kids and they don't stay together, but they are stuck with a baby and all that responsibility and for what - a fun night? A summer fling?  Were they trying to trap him into not leaving? Did they just want a baby and not care about the baby's dad?  I didn't understand.

But then a few weeks ago when I couldn't even think about food for two weeks and wasn't sleeping through the night, my co-worker told me it was a hormonal change and she felt that way right before she found out she was pregnant.  How could I be pregnant? I never get my period....but then again...I am not good about taking my birth control pills on time these days and I was engaging in activities where conception is its primary bodily purpose.  Then your stomach does a knot...and you dread thinking about it.  It can't be - but what if it is...and what about that guy?  Dread sits in. 

On one hand, you want children.  You are young...now is the time.  But realistically, you are too broke to have a child, especially on your own, it isn't a good time.  A few days go by and your appetite does not return so you suck it up and take a pregnancy test.  The longest three minutes to get the results when you are mixed with what you really want.  You may want to be pregnant but were hoping it would be after you are married or when you make enough money to buy diapers. Maybe when it comes down to it, you freak out and realize you don't want a child.  Or maybe you are secretly excited because you won't be an old mom afterall.

I've taken the string test a whole bunch of times.  97% of the time, it shows I will have two pregnancies.  So, the potential for worry is there - but honestly, I am not going to do anything about changing my prevention methods.  If it happens it happens - if it doesn't it doesn't...it is all about fate.

OK, so I am not pregnant this time (and I didn't really think I was)...thank goodness.  But it really got me thinking about where I want to be and what I want out of my life.  And I think about...what if I already had a kid or two with the guy I dated in my 20s...what would my life be like, would I be happy? I think I would have been.  Anyway, I still don't have the answers but only time will tell where my life will lead.  And I am sure you will be there reading all about it.

What would you do if an Ex wanted you back?

Do you read Chick-Lit books?  I started to after my breakup.  Reading about others misfortunes, bad relationships, romance and the happy ending were reassuring.  Even though the books were fictional, most could be based on real life events.  I would get so wrapped up and read and read and read to escape my sad reality and hope that one day my own story would have a happy ending.

What these books all had in common was the ending theme.  Where the girl who was hurt in love struggles to get her shit together and then starts seeing someone new who is amazing.   But she doesn't realize he is amazing yet...first she is still deeply upset about her ex and yearns to get him back.  Since that isn't a possibility, she dates this other fella.  Some time goes by and her memories of the ex fade.  She is content.  Then out of the blue, the ex reappears back in her life.  He wants her back; he realized he made a mistake.  Usually the girl is ecstatic and goes out with the ex only to discover she is miserable in his presence or misses her current beau, but sometimes she gets her satisfaction right then and there - and laughs in his face and says NO WAY you had your chance now it is too late, I am happy. 

I'll be honest, I haven't read a chick-lit book in a few years.  I found other books that I liked better...and I was getting annoyed that the characters were able to fix themselves and find someone new way faster than I was able to.  It was starting to depress me.

But the theme is something to really think about.  What would I do if an Ex wanted me back?

With Cop#1 it was all a physical relationship.  Nothing worthwhile would come of it.  And honestly...when he did reappear in my life, I went with it and enjoyed every second of it.  But at no point did I ever consider it would lead anywhere nor did I think about what our future would have been like, because I knew one wouldn't have existed. 

With SI he was my first real first and only love.  I should hate the guy, but I don't.  I think about it all the time, what my life would be like if we were together and if we would have lasted.  For the last 4 years I wanted nothing more than for him to come back to me (solo of course) and start our relationship anew.  I would love to tell you that if he came to me today and told me he was sorry and he wanted to marry me - that I would say no way...but the truth is, I still haven't met anyone else, and I know I was so happy with him in the beginning that I would be tempted.  I guess it is all just a matter of timing.  If I was in a relationship when he made his appearance my response would probably be "no way asshole, you know what you did to me? I am not that crazy to endure a life with you under those circumstances again". 

I guess it is pointless to think about it.  The likelihood of that ever happening is slim - but if it does, I can only hope that when he reaches out I am happy and secure with my life.  That my future man is amazing and I'll be like SI who?  But of course, I'll send him a thank you note because if he didn't break my heart into a million little pieces I never would have met my future husband and be so unbelievably happy and lucky.  All I want, in the long run, is to be happier than he will be.  I know, that is wrong, but it is true.  It just sucks that I have to wait to long for the future to align for me. 

What would you do if an Ex wanted you back?

The Chase

When I was in high school, I loved the chase of getting a guy to like me.  I was a great flirt; I'd reel them in and they'd 'ask me out'.  I'd 'date' them for all of two weeks, then realize I didn't really enjoy it so we'd break up.  Then I was on to my next quest and the cycle continued. 

It wasn't until I was in the twelfth grade, when I met K that I actually hung out with a guy longer than the two weeks and was actually happy to see the same person over and over again.  Since then, I had two real relationships and that is about it.  I dated a few guys a few times, but it never got far because I knew that nothing would come of it.  I am getting more comfortable being single & alone and I would rather be single then date someone that I know I have no future with.  I'd rather be in a relationship than date casually.

I don't know if we ever really grow out of enjoying the chase.  It is fun and I think it is helpful at the beginning to build suspense, intensity and feelings of developing a crush, but all in all - for me...I'd rather be settled and have feelings reciprocated in a more mature manner.  It is sad to admit I am not a good flirt anymore, only picking up one guy in a bar in 5 years and honestly the chase is exhausting especially when you realize it is more an aberration than reality. 

Also, the matchmakers contacted me about another potential match.  Again, not in my criteria...but I need to meet my own personal goals of one date a month...so I guess why not?  Unfortunately his profession? A RETIRED police officer...yeah.  That is what I thought too.  Date a guy who is retired?  and a cop? Haven't I dated enough of those guys?  UGH UGH UGH.  Is it really so hard for them to find a decent guy in his 30s? 

My future husband - where are you?  I am supposed to be married by now. I am supposed to be madly in love and cater to your every need.  Have lots and lot of sex, keep a tidy house, make you lunch/dinner/dessert.  I want you to meet me soon. I want the best part of my life to start.  I am ready.

My reading goes digital

I have shared with you that I love Groupon. It is truly a great site to save a little money on restaurants, gifts and activities that it becomes addicting.

A long time ago, I posted about my purchasing a Roomba vacuum from a website Woot.  Woot is similar in that they offer one deal a day for a product - and most of the time if it is electronic, it is factory refurbished stuff.  Which is totally fine with me.  I save some money and I get something that I might not normally splurge on.  Woot had the Barnes & Noble Nook for sale, and I didn't have to think twice about getting one.  In fact, I was seriously contemplating getting two, because it still would have been cheaper than one. I've been debating for so long if I should convert to an e-reader since I read a lot and carrying big books to work everyday can be exhausting, it was a no brainer decision.  

My main concern with this amazing little product was that I would have to spend money instead of going to the library.  Libraries are amazing - and I have mentioned before why more people should take advantage of the services.  Anyway - I know some books copyrights have expired and free books are offered.  Additionally, Barnes & Noble has a program that if you are in the store you can download a book - I haven't done this yet, but I think it might be a specific book for the week or month. 

My county libraries also offers electronic versions of some books.  Just like in Inspector Gadget, the books will self destruct in two weeks.  I have to do more research to find out what their selection is like, but I don't tend to read books more than once, so borrowing is just as fantastic when I know that I will finish a book quickly.  Since they self destruct, there is no late fee either! 

This great gadget will allow me to read some books that I wanted to read but just didn't want to carry around.  Some e-books are also super cheap at $0.99 which is less than some of my late fees at the library now that they went from $0.10 cents to $0.25 cents per day; making purchasing some books a better option for me.  When I go on vacation and I want to read a new book, I think I can handle the few books I can buy at full e-book price or enjoy the feel of paper pages and flipping works too.

I am looking forward to picking out a cover for my nook and will write a review once I've played around with it a few times and understand it better.

Some lady just called my work.  She was looking at a PDF file we have on our website and asked me if she can print just a few pages of it...or does she have to print the whole thing.

I was really close to giving her the phone number for tech support at Adobe. 

Seriously? 

Happiness Update

I don't know if many of you picked up on the fact that my posts have been a lot 'happier' lately.  Crazy to think that just in September I wrote about happiness being over-rated.  Unfortunately I was going through another really long tough depression, but again - thanks to my amazing life coach, Laura, I have really been working on fixing myself...and it doesn't hurt that I am having some of the most amazing sex  ;) .

I have been seeing my life coach since July 2010 and meet with her once a month for a few hours.  Yesterday's meeting made it nine months - nine months, it is like a new me has been born - actually it is the OLD me, the one from many many years ago.  The one that smiles, laughs, jokes around, is sassy and sarcastic, talkative, the one that likes to go out, socialize and overall wakes up in a decent mood everyday.  The ME that is so happy to be somewhat back to 'normal' if such a thing exists.  So many people have noticed this huge change in my mood and it feels great.

Life coaching is about attaining goals (read from link above). I  also read a lot about forgiveness and happiness which helped me gain insight into how others dealt with these issues. Some of my goals were not difficult and others are more time consuming and complex.  While my goals may not have been achieved yet (goals are supposed to take time, otherwise it would just be a task) I am on my way there.  I have really been working on doing things out of my comfort zone, trying to become more social and more secure in who I am.  I even broke down my months to have small mini-goals like apply for a job once a week or go on a date one a month and I have been sticking with it so far.  But these little things help with getting to the bigger goals.  Once I am happier and more comfortable with myself, I will have an 'easier' time finding a husband or having more confidence when on an interview.  And once I get an interview and feel good about it, then I'll have a new job that I like and more money so the tight money issue will go away and I can pay down my loans and move.  See, it all will come together...eventually.

On top of the work I am doing myself, it helps to have outside reassurance.  My parents have both commented on my fantastic mood lately and my father said I was radiating...and I had to ask if that was the same look as glowing (I don't have a bun in my oven! But since I am not careful at all...you never know) and to keep it up - whatever I was doing.  During this same time something unexpected happened from the least likely of people at the least unlikely of times (when I think about moving to another state/country).  I've really enjoyed hanging out with HSK even if it isn't on a regular basis and he tells me how sweet and chill I am and even though I know it, I am happy to hear someone else tell me that especially when SI might not have appreciated that? 

Also, I lost ten pounds and hopefully I can loose another five within the next two months.  This is also a huge boost since I can still wear some of the same clothes but they just look a lot better and I had to return a really cute strapless (did I tell you I never worn one of those before?) dress for a smaller size.  My blood pressure is down to a normal level on a regular basis.  Oh and the haircut just rounds it all off to a different me that I am a bit more comfortable with.

I have made a lot of progress with Laura and I am still going to continue to see her for a while. It is really nice having someone there to talk to about my goals and to help me along and motivate me to want more for myself.  I am at a point right now where I WANT to change so much...but I don't know what to do or I am too scared to do it - but at least I am not so blah about it anymore.  I have to change up my living situation and my job - two huge things at one time which as been a huge source of my insomnia lately.  I really can't wait to sleep through the night.

An Innocent Man

I grew up listening to the music my older sisters liked, because I wanted to be just like them when I got older.  They seemed so old and wise - but anytime I reached the age they were, I felt like I had no clue what I was doing.  But that is a story for another day.   My sisters listened to typical 80s music and some 70s music.  In the car my parents listened to the Oldies station or some sort of easy listening.   I take with me a love for some great older groups/artists, especially Billy Joel, Chicago, Journey, Elton John, and Rod Stewart. 

source



My sisters listened to Billy Joel's music over and over again that it was easy to memorize the lyrics to so many of the happy upbeat songs.  But as the time went on, I started to appriciate the lyrics too.   I have seen him in concert probably 5 times and have enjoyed each show. 

Two of my favorite songs has to do with trust.  After cop #1 I was really able to relate to "An Innocent Man' and "A Matter of Trust" and felt that the next person had to do a little work to get me to trust them, but then I'd open up and love unconditionally.  SI was willing to put up with my trust issue and then took full advantage of my sweetness.  While that relationship didn't end happily - I wonder how I will be able to handle trust in the future. Everytime I hear these songs (well, most of his songs) I sing along envisioning someone singing it to me, melting my heart to make me realize that 'wow, he is the one for me'.

I think enough time has passed by where it shouldn't be so hard for me to have some trust for someone else.  When I fall in love the next time, I will be ready and know that I have to tell myself this next person isn't my past, I can't hold them accountable for my issues.  It will be a little challenging, but I hope I know enough of the signs where I don't let bad things get too far.  I worry about another heartbreak but I am not going to let it stop me from trying. 

An Inncoent Man

Some people stay far away from the door

If there's a chance of it opening up

They hear a voice in the hall outside

And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch

And the anger of having been a fool

They will not listen to anyone

So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself

I know you're thinking of somebody else

Someone who hurt you

But I'm not above

Making up for the love

You've been denying you could ever feel

I'm not above doing anything

To restore your faith if I can

Some people see through the eyes of the old

Before they ever get look at the young

I'm only willing to hear you cry

Because I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe

Another promise they hear in the dark

Because they only remember too well

They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night

Instead of taking a lover to bed

Some people find that's it's easier to hate

Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say

I know you're gonna keep turning away

But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive

I'm not above going through it again

I'm not above being cool for a while

If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight

Some people figure they can never win

And although this is a fight I can lose

The accused is an innocent man

Oh yes I am

An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite

I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight

That's your decision

But I'm not below

Anybody I know

If there's a chance of resurrecting a love

I'm not above going back to the start

To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure

Some people just accept the world as it is

But I'm not willing to lay down and die

Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

An innocent man

copied from billyjoel.com

a burn party

I recently watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall for the unknowth time.  I sometimes put movies in while doing random things around the apartment for noise, but then watch most of it anyway.

It is reassuring to see that a guy has a hard time getting over his girlfriend, Sarah.  In the first 20 minutes he tries to do some of the 'typical' things to feel better about the breakup including attempting to have sex with random people, burn photos, deleting photos, and taking a trip.


So that got me thinking when you break up with someone...what do you keep or get rid of?  When SI and I broke up, I didn't take very much.  I actually packed some of 'our' things in a box and left it in our basement.  Things in that box included the 'usual' stuff like printed pictures, gifts, cards, things I made for him, etc.  I was so devastated that I didn't want anything that reminded me of him in my everyday life...but then again, I thought we'd get back together anyway so it didn't matter since I thought all that stuff would eventually come out of the box.  Since I scrapbook, I did originally take those two albums with me, but then I gave them back because it was just too hard to be reminded of.  At one point I thought it would be good to do a little burn - but I didn't want to part with our pictures and I can reorder from Snapfish anyway so what is the point?



From: New York State Dept. of Ecology



I used to keep a shoe box with a few random items from the guys I dated.  It started back in high school when I had a note, karate belt, necklace or a picture.  I just threw it in the box and never really looked through it.  Somewhere when SI sorta moved into my apartment but before we moved to NJ, the box disappeared and I was not the one to get rid of it.  Anyway, it wasn't a big deal since those memories were from such short time frames since I didn't really 'date' anyone; the only thing I would have liked was this picture of Cop #1 and I at his college graduation party - it was a cute picture and by golly was he so amazingly cute and having a picture of him as a memory that I dated someone so good looking is a nice reminder of what is possible.

Have you ever had a little burn party to destroy memories to help move on?
Have you ever kept anything from a past relationship?
What do you do with the stuff from a past relationship when you are in a new relationship?

Bank Boy still lingering

It has been about a month since I told Bank Boy that I didn't want to see him socially.  I thought I'd let you know that went in his one ear and right out his other ear.  But that shouldn't be a surprise to you based on last posts.  In the last 30 days or so, he must have asked me to get together about 8 times.  This past week he was unbelievably aggressive telling me he had to 'have me' before he goes on a vacation.  yuck.  The whole idea just disgusts me and I want no part of it.  The more I tell him 'no' the more persistent he is; it must be like a quest to him.  But I have to be honest, I did think about it for a few seconds. Not because I think it would be enjoyable by any means, but because I feel like I might have messed up something else with someone else.  I am not going to do it, I still refuse to...he is way too much drama-like for me but more importantly I don't really believe in fooling around with more than one person at a time - but if I did, I still wouldn't pick Bank Boy.

Taste Test: Brand Name vs. Generic

 On Saturday I hosted a taste test.  I was very curious if people in general really preferred the brand name over generic.  I had 9 participants, mostly adults and was mixed male and female.

I was so excited for this experiment, that I was a bit of an over achiever.  I wanted to try so many different kinds of foods...that I purchased too many to try.  My tasters had about 37 items to try (times two, one Brand one Generic).

I started off with appetizers:

Salsa:   6 out of 7 preferred the Tostitos over ShopRite brand

Potato Chips:  7 preferred the lays over the ShopRite brand

Pretzels:  5 people preferred the ShopRite brand pretzels and 2 preferred the Rold Gold pretzels 

Sour Cream (light):  3 peopled prefered the ShopRite brand and 2 preferred the Breakstone 

Olives: a tie, 1 to 1 for the olives

Peanuts:  3 people preferred the Planters and 2 people preferred the ShopRite.

The total cost savings for the 'appetizer' category (if someone preferred all generic) would have been $3.40

Next up was "breakfast" foods. 

Cream Cheese: 2 people preferred the Philadelphia over the ShopRite

French Toast Sticks: a tie 3 each for Aunt Jemima and Stop & Shop

Apple Sauce: a tie 2 each for Mott's and ShopRite

Cream of Wheat: a tie 1 each for Cream of Wheat and Ralson

Rice Krispies: a tie 2 each for Kelloggs and ShopRite

Pop Tarts: 4 people preferred the Kelloggs and 1 person preferred the ShopRite brand.

Yogurt (Vanilla): 2 people preferred the Dannon light & fit over the Stop & Shop brand

Apple Juice: 4 people preferred the ShopRite juice over Mott's

Nutrigran Bar: 2 people prefered the Nutrigrain bar and 1 person preferred the generic version

Syrup: 5 people preferred Aunt Jemima and 1 person preferred the ShopRite

The cost savings choosing all generic for breakfast would have been $12.57

Up next was lunch/dinner foods:
Saltine: tie 2-2 Premium and ShopRite
Sliced Cheese: 3 people preferred the Kraft over America's Choice
Mashed Potatoes: 2 people preferred Hungry Jack over ShopRite
Pasta: 3 people preferred Ronzoni over America's Choice
Frozen Pizza: 3 people preferred Ellios and 1 person preferred America's Choice
Tomato & Basil Pasta Sauce: 3 people preferred the Stop & Shop over Classico. 
Mac & Cheese: 4 people preferred the Kraft over the America's Choice
Block Cheddar: tie 2-2 Cracker Barrell and America's Choice
Creamy Peanut Butter: 3 people preferred Jiffy and 1 person preferred the ShopRite
Total savings if preferred all Generic $8.41

Dessert items included:
Raspberry Jell-O:  1-1 tie Jell-O and America's Choice.  Everyone else said they tasted way too similar to tell the difference
Chocolate Ice Cream:  3 people preferred Edy's ice cream over America's Choice
Frosting: 2 people preferred Pillsbury and 1 person preferred ShopRite
Whipped Cream: tie 1-1 RediWhip and Shop & Shop
Yellow Cake: tie 2-2 Pillsbury and America's Choice
Homemade chocolate chip cookies (chips): 2 people preferred the Stop & Shop morsels in the cookie over the Nestle
Total Savings if preferred all generic:  $1.09

And we also did:
Pepsi v Coke:  3 people preferred Coke, 1 person preferred the Pepsi...and were very surprised with the result.
Water:  Evian, Poland Spring, Tap, Brita and America's Choice.   Most people were able to identify the tap water.  Although no one wrote down which water they preferred.  Some confused Evian with the Brita water.

Note that the cost savings was based on the prices from last weeks shopping...and does vary if you get some items on sale or where you shop.

Also please note that my testees did not follow complete directions and write down for each item (not including items they normally don't like, I wouldn't be that mean) which one they preferred.  It might have been because it didn't matter, couldn't tell the difference, or that they just forgot.

They all were curious not only which one they might have liked better - but discussed based on color, size, and taste which they thought was the brand item.  For the most part, they only averaged getting about 10 out of the 30+ items correct...but then again, they did not answer for every item.

The tasting was a lot of fun.  However, I totally over did it, there was too many last minute items that needed to be prepared.  The tasting was about 2 and a half hours. Additionally the variety of items for tasting was too varied, and one participant stopped half way through because she was going to be sick.  :(  My intention was not to make anyone sick.

If you are going to do a blind taste test, I suggest you do it in segments.  Stick to similar foods in one day/night, like all breakfast foods. 

The next tasting we will be doing is a local pizza place - since my sister's family is all in disagreement which pizza place they prefer.

review: Coppola Keratin

Have you heard about the Coppola Keratin treatment?   I was introduced to it about 2 years ago when my mom's hairdresser heard me complaining about the frizz in my hair. Keratin is a protein that is applied to the hair to help take the frizz out.  She suggested it and right away I knew I was going to try it. 

The Keratin treatment is applied to clean hair and it has to sit for 25 minutes.  Then the hair is blown dry and straightened with a hair straighter.  You can not wash your hair for 72 hours and you can't wrinkle it with barrettes, rubber bands, behind the ear, put sunglasses on your head, etc.   You can however, use a straighter to fix part of the hair in the morning.  The first day the hair looks great, the second day it looks really good, the third day the hair looks disgusting and greasy.   I usually try to do it on a Thursday so on Sunday I can stay at home and not face the world with my disgusting hair. The treatment lasts about 3 months, but it can stay in longer if you do it on a regular basis.  Also, for it to work best, you need to use Shampoo that does not have sodium chloride.  At first I was using baby shampoo, but that didn't leave my hair feeling too clean, so I purchased the Keratin Complex Shampoo and Conditioner and really love them.

You have to be careful, there are other hair de-frizzers out there that have formaldehyde in them, which is NOT GOOD.  There are so many side effects, but a lot of hair loss - and I mean huge chunks of hair at a time - is the most common.  Be sure to get a  formaldehyde free brand (like Coppola).

I wish I had a picture of me and my frizzy hair, but the truth is, I tried not to take too many pictures when my hair was that bad.  Anyway, the stuff is amazing.  I would never be able to cut my hair this short if it was still frizzy - but by eliminating 95% of the frizz, I can wear just about any kind of hairstyle.  It can get expensive  usually it is priced around $250 per treatment...but you can find great deals using Groupon.

I found him

I am so proud of myself....I found him.   No No, not my soul mate or my future husband or not even my next fling.  I found a kid that I sort of dated in high school, and that I lost my virginity with in college (yeah, I was a late bloomer).  That boy.

Last time we spoke/saw each other was very soon after SI and I started dating.  I was at my old house (my parents still lived there at the time) and he just happened to stop by because he wanted to catch up.  We hung out that day, I saw his parents and when I left I had hoped to hear from him again but I did not.  My phone number chaged a lot during the next 4 years as did my address and my parents moved making it hard to find me.  I remember that day so well.  I found out that he was a coach at the college I attended, so us being there for about a year without knowing it freaked me out a little, but even more so I was disappointed in finding it out after the fact.  He also looked sick in a way I can not describe.  But, I was happy with SI and I forgot about this kid....well, not forgot I'd always remember him, but I didn't think about him.   After the breakup with SI, maybe a year later, I decided I wanted to find this (other) high school friend, K.  My ex-friend is a great internet researcher (stalker) and was able to find out where he worked and his address.  I called his job, but it turns out I missed him by about a week.  I sent him a postcard...never heard back - but yet I didn't think he was still at that adress.   I let it be for a few months.  Then I was searching facebook and I came across his sister and brother.  I sent the sister a message first.  I don't think she ever passed it along, even though she did respond to me.   Months later I tried the brother.  I knew he remembered me since we hooked up before I met K.  He didn't even bother to respond!  I let it be for another 3 years.  

Then last night I was looking on facebook to find pictures of some of my 'boys' I've been out with so I can show my matchmakers what I tend to go for since they sent me a hideous one.  I don't know what they were thinking.  I hired them because I wanted help...not because I am so desperate that I would settle for horrible.  So I was on there and I grabbed a few pictures that I was missing.   I then goggled K and the same stuff that always pops up came up, but this time so did a facebook page! OMG was I thrilled.  I couldn't see anything, but I did send him a really short message (I don't want to sound like a stalker, you all know the truth).  I kept facebook open for a while...and nothing.

I really hope he messages me back.  I don't know why, I don't know what I want out of it.  He was always such a nice person and we got along great.  I know he ran into some trouble 3-4 years ago and since then I've wanted to make sure he was able to turn his life around.  I guess I am too compassionate and my need to help/fix other people is odd since I am selective about who I care for and who I don't.  But for whatever reason, K has always been a source in intrigue for me.

I'm the proud owner of a wii...now, I just hope to use it

Oh a lazy Sunday.  That is exactly what I had yesterday.  There were some things I wanted to do, but decided instead of fighting the crowds and getting annoyed, I'd rather to those things tonight when it is less crowded out.  I showered, blew dry my hair (which I still find very challenging), and then had some work to do for an upcoming project that you will all read about probably next week.  I put a movie on for background noise, but ended up watching about 5 movies I had already seen.  I didn't leave the house, didn't even unlock my door.  Since I'd seen the movies already, I didn't need to focus (not that they were hard to follow anyway) and ended up surfing the web.  Actually, I don't really know how to do that.  I was looking for a few jobs to apply to this week, and instead realized I was lazy and that if maybe I had a wii fit, I would exercise.

So, I checked out ebay.  Followed a whole bunch of auctions to gain a better understanding of selling prices so I could bid.  I found one, I bid, I lost.  Another bundle had the wii, fit, board, controllers, and like 5 other games.  I lost that one too at like $390.  I wasn't too upset, after all somewhere I decided I liked the black wii better.  I ended up buying a black wii, yoga mat, fit & balance board, sports, an extra black remote, and extra black nunchuck, dancedance revolution & mat, and an extra mat all for $235.16  (from 3 different sellers). 

I don't have this kind of money to throw away, so I better use this stuff.  When I was at dinner at a friends house last week, her husband was down with the wii for 90 minutes doing some sort of FIT exercise and he came up and started raving about it, how it helped him loose weight, etc.  So I figured why not.

I try not to leave my apartment or office for fear of going outside and buying things...but yet, it happened at home anyway. 

Because I Said So

Do you have a movie that resembles your life?  I found mine in October.  We (my sisters and I) had a movie with mom night for her birthday.  I rented the movie Because I Said So from the library not knowing what to expect although it looked like a good girly movie.

The movie has Diane Keaton playing the mother and Mandy Moore who plays the daughter, Millie.  The mother meddles in the daughters life, trying to get her to find a mate and be happy so that she doesn't end up alone.  The mother put an ad out and meets these potential men to screen them before deciding which one her daughter will date.  Millie starts dating the one her mom picked (with out knowing it) and she meets this other guy that the mom does not like.  She dates both of them for a while...and I won't give away the rest, although it is predictable.

OK, so my mother has not set me up with anyone...but the way that she gets involved can be a little paralleling.  The mother has nothing but the best intentions, but sometimes can be a little too much to handle, although they have a special relationship.   Millie's sisters and the mom all are very open about all aspects of their lives.  I love having sisters, and we do talk about EVERYTHING well, three of the four of us do.

Millie & I are also similar because we are the only single ones in the family and the rest of them want constant knowledge of our dating lives.  Which is why I love this movie.  It makes me feel better about my life...and that there are some parents that are more overbearing than mine. 

That being said, after last year, when I went on a few dates with this guy that was a little refined & had some money...but had a teeny tiny pecker and wasn't that attractive.  Anyway, the WHOLE family was involved.  After that I realized if I was going to date someone, I would have to do it on the sly.  I hate keeping things from them, and sometimes not being truthful about my whereabouts (I don't lie - I omit) is really hard.  I get all quiet. I don't say anything...and sometimes a smile says way more than I mean it to.  When is a good time to mention a new person you are dating?  At least I don't have to worry about that right now.

If you decide to watch the movie, enjoy & think...hmm, maybe that is why Denise has issues!  haha.

Better to be busy than bored

Were you worried about me?  This past week or so was full of work stress, my busiest time of the year along with some other things.

One quick story from work about a 'crazy' was that this lady called and I spoke to her and answered her question in like 1 minute.  A few moments later I get an email from her essentially saying - I just called the office and got my answer, but yet, my email from Monday was not answered, if you don't answer emails take your email off the invoice.   I laughed, what is she bitching for?   So I respond stating that 1) I do respond to emails, but not instantaneously since it is a crazy busy time of year and 1 1/2 days isn't bad, that I am the ONLY one in the office, and that I honestly don't remember seeing an email from her. I told her I didn't need to justify any of this and that essentially her question was answered - even though it was a stupid question.  If she was very anxious about finding out if her credit card was charged, she could have also called the credit card, which she did not do.  blah blah blah.   She responds, and was still a bitch.  I did find her email in my JUNK email folder, which I don't check that often.   Some people seriously have nothing better going on in their life, and I feel really bad for them, even though they piss me off.

Speaking of pissing me off..I don't understand why people call me at work to make sure we received a fax.  DON'T wait to the last minute and it wouldn't be a problem.  On Thursday, I barely got any work done since that is when member dues were due, and all those last minute people kept calling to find out if I got their fax.  I started asking them if they get a fax confirmation, and if so...what did it say?  Do they have issues with their fax not working and if so...why use it when you can send a check?   A complete waste of my time.

So, on Thursday I started to look for new jobs.  I found two I want to apply for.  The first one writing the cover letter was 'easy', however, the second one which I favor, I have been feverishly working on for HOURS and maybe DAYS at this point.  I am having such a hard time with the salary history and salary requirement that they require within the cover letter.  I know we all feel we are under-paid, and I truly think I am with my degree and the kind of work I can do...my fault for accepting a job for the wrong reasons.  Working for a small company can be really hard because when they are financially struggling...so are you.  I don't know how to explain why I want to up my salary by a good number...and if that would be frowned down upon.  I don't think my salary requirement is unheard (actually I think it is quite low) of for someone with my degree and my age I just don't know if I can make that jump when they want all that information.  If they spoke to me, I think I could totally justify it with examples and even when they see how well I work. 

Finding a job is so time consuming.  I need to make a change and I have to do the leg work to get it, but it is not easy and I don't know where to find the jobs I want to apply for, they certainly are not on monster or indeed or anything.  Going through so many company websites and looking at their openings is better...but where to start? I think I should hire someone to scour the websites and find me decent jobs to apply for....any of you interested??!?!?

Anyway, that is about all that has been going on here.  Just a LOT of real work, some resume/job hunting work, and occasionally hanging out.