The longest three minutes

When I was in my twenties, I knew I wanted children.   I wanted a few actually since I was one of four, I knew how amazing it was to have siblings, especially as adults when they are more of a friend than anything else. 

I wanted to be a 'young' mom.  I wanted my first child in my 20s when I had the energy to run after him and stay up through the night...be young enough to appreciate the college years and weddings and future grandkids. 

Now however, I worry that my ship has sailed.  I know I am still young, but I don't want to have a kid in my 40s.  There are many days where I have decided I don't want children and then other days, I want to get knocked up.  I am so inconsistent.  I just assume that my future husband will be the deciding factor. If he wants kids, I'll do it.  If he doesn't, no problem.  Or maybe instead of a large family, we'd just have one.

I have shared in the past that I worry I will have a hard time getting pregnant since I rarely get my period.  My ob/gyn I selected specializes in infertility and I picked him out a good ten years ago; just in case.

At the beginning when it was common for me to go three months with out a sign of a period, I did worry and I would take some pregnancy tests.  I doubted I was pregnant since I was on birth control and used the lame 'pull out' method. Regardless, it is always a slightly stressful time because you think - what if it is actually positive?  What would I do? Do I like this guy enough? etc.  There is no question that I would have the baby. I couldn't even think about aborting it - unless there was a huge medical issue (criticize if you must, we are all entitled to our opinions). 

Over the last few years, I have heard about so many surprise pregnancies.  I wondered how single adults could accidentally get pregnant, since they are responsible enough to take precautions.  They have these guy's kids and they don't stay together, but they are stuck with a baby and all that responsibility and for what - a fun night? A summer fling?  Were they trying to trap him into not leaving? Did they just want a baby and not care about the baby's dad?  I didn't understand.

But then a few weeks ago when I couldn't even think about food for two weeks and wasn't sleeping through the night, my co-worker told me it was a hormonal change and she felt that way right before she found out she was pregnant.  How could I be pregnant? I never get my period....but then again...I am not good about taking my birth control pills on time these days and I was engaging in activities where conception is its primary bodily purpose.  Then your stomach does a knot...and you dread thinking about it.  It can't be - but what if it is...and what about that guy?  Dread sits in. 

On one hand, you want children.  You are young...now is the time.  But realistically, you are too broke to have a child, especially on your own, it isn't a good time.  A few days go by and your appetite does not return so you suck it up and take a pregnancy test.  The longest three minutes to get the results when you are mixed with what you really want.  You may want to be pregnant but were hoping it would be after you are married or when you make enough money to buy diapers. Maybe when it comes down to it, you freak out and realize you don't want a child.  Or maybe you are secretly excited because you won't be an old mom afterall.

I've taken the string test a whole bunch of times.  97% of the time, it shows I will have two pregnancies.  So, the potential for worry is there - but honestly, I am not going to do anything about changing my prevention methods.  If it happens it happens - if it doesn't it doesn't...it is all about fate.

OK, so I am not pregnant this time (and I didn't really think I was)...thank goodness.  But it really got me thinking about where I want to be and what I want out of my life.  And I think about...what if I already had a kid or two with the guy I dated in my 20s...what would my life be like, would I be happy? I think I would have been.  Anyway, I still don't have the answers but only time will tell where my life will lead.  And I am sure you will be there reading all about it.