Me-Ouch

When I was in NYC a few weekends ago, I quickly glanced over to look at the newspaper headlines on the stand but kept walking.  Mid-block, I am starting to actually think about what I read...was it true?  I couldn't wait to get to the next set of boxes to look again.

I wasn't crazy, the New York Post did in fact read "Cat survives 12-story plunge". 

Seriously?  This made the FRONT PAGE of a newspaper?  I understand that we might not have these fabulous newsworthy things happen all the time, but surely there are better things for a front page article?

How does a story like this even make it into the news?   Would YOU ever call the press when something so mundane happens?  Who cares?  This isn't even the first cat falling incident, after all the whole 9 lives thing had to come from somewhere.  In 2006 a cat fell 10-stories, in 2008 a cat in Toronto fell 17-stories and in 2009 a cat fell 26-stories.  I am sure there are even more articles, but I really have no desire to keep googling that.

What kind of people are those that report such instances?  When I find a mouse in my apartment should I call the news saying 'a mouse invaded my apartment, but he seems respectful and only poops in two spots'.  Or maybe the press will find it interesting that as a single women I tried to fix my refrigerator's water line and microwave but was unsuccessful so I have been with out ice for 6 months and without a microwave for 18 months.  Can you believe I have adapted to THOSE kinds of changes?  Should I start telling people how to live with out relying on a microwave? Maybe I can write a whole book!  (hopefully you realize I am being very sarcastic)

Sure, for all you cat lovers, maybe this story is great, it even included a nice size picture of the cat with the IV...but even you have to admit that it is not front page worthy, maybe buried on page 20 somewhere.

You are never to old to dress up

I was chatting with a friend recently about having sex dreams about someone other than your man.  I think this is a fairly normal event for most people.  Anyway, I suggested to her that maybe she needs to spice things up a little bit and that I would send her a wig.   Perhaps I should have added a few more words to my conversation because then she thought that I have a lot of props for the sole purpose of role playing.  This is not true at all. 

I actually own two wigs, one blond and the other a light red whose original purpose was for me to dress up as a flapper for an anniversary party in 2006.  I used the wig one other time on New Year's 2009 when I attended a Murder Mystery Dinner Party as a flight attendant.  I like to get into characters and put a lot of effort into looking somewhat realistic or over the top funny.  While I am at it, I should admit that I did own two pairs of handcuff too...but I bought them when I visited Alcatraz back in like 1998.  I did use them a few times but honestly metal handcuffs are not ideal and I didn't like being bound.  I don't have them anymore.  Would I be opposed to a little role playing?  Not at all for a little foreplay.  I think it is fun to change things up once in a while but once the clothes come off...I go back to me.

Let's talk about costumes now.  Apparently I have issues buying costumes.  I think it is that most don't fit me right...and why waste $50 or more on something that does not look good?  I'd rather spend time making something.  Who cares if it is ridiculous? The whole point of a homemade costume is to look cute and not like everyone else. Other costume's I've donned recently:

Skunk - (2010) A homemade costume made with poster board and 3 bags of cotton balls.  A little baby powder in the hair and some black make up on my face (it was off by this picture).

Flight Attendant - (2009) Homemade. I wore a suit,  heels, a hat, scarf and the wig.

White Lies - (2008) Completely homemade. I safety pined about 50 'white lies' to a black fleece pull over and black pants.  Thank goodness a friend helped me the night before come up with lies and attach them all.

Chinese Royalty - (2005) They gave me the clothes to wear, but it was still fun to dress up. 

Nerd - (2004) Homemade once again. Black pants, white shirt, stirrups. I did buy a pocket protector I think...or was it made? I don't remember. The black glasses I think were the free kinds from weddings with the lens popped out.

You know when you are in LA when...

Recently when I was in California, my co-worker and friend were discussing how different the area was. You know when you are in LA when...

• You eat half of your entree and the waiter tells says "impressive, you did a good job"
• Someone says "you are eating a bagel?  You must not be from California"
• It is dirty & grimy
• It takes you 2 hours to go 10 miles
• Even though LA is a city, it isn't a walking city and there isn't very much to see outside of the few tourist things
• So many men have long hair, at first glance you mistake one for a woman
• People tell you that you tawk funny

Error 421: Could not send message

I am finally getting around to moving in/organizing my new office space.  When going through a pile of papers, I found an envelope addressed to SI's parents with a letter dated February 10, 2007.  I remember writing this letter, as I re-read it I noticed it was very well written for that topic, but of course I didn't send it.  The envelope had a 39 cent stamp on it, then a 2 cent stamp -- so I was thinking of sending it a bit after I wrote it.

People say that you should write down your feelings but before doing anything with it, put it on hold.  This way before you send it you can make sure that is really what you want to say, check the tone of the communication, or even if you think the other people need to know.  Better to be safe than to regret a hasty decision.

So, do I regret not sending this one and a half page letter?  Maybe a little.  I think what I wrote about was important at the time but I was so scared that if I sent it...it would have been THE end of SI and me.  Instead, I didn't send it and we ended up talking for another three years on and off.  Bad choice.  So if I sent it...it would have been THE END and I wouldn't have endured further confusion or heartbreak.  But all I wanted was to be with him so I couldn't take that chance.  Of course I can't go back in time and mail it and there is no way I would send it now...although I do think that some of what I wrote would surprise them still...but whatever, it is water under the bridge.  SI's life is his and his dishonesty is something that he chooses to reveal or hide.

I was happy that I was able to read the letter with out shedding a tear.  All that mess finally feels like another lifetime.  As I read "Looking back, I don't even know when I had to invent happiness with him over all the frustration I was feeling when he was never around.  I let myself believe we were happy when we really weren't"  I was proud of myself for even realizing that.  Is there a worse feeling that being home alone wondering where you beau is all the time? Not having someone there when you need them?  Waiting and waiting for them to show up or call when they said they would just to be let down?  I was in such denial that it didn't occur to me I wasn't happy.  In that moment when you are hurt so bad, those words you say are generally full of truth - so I am not sure why I then chose to ignore it.

The best part of the letter?  "As much as I don't want to see him with the girl he cheated on me with, they might deserve each other.  After all, I went on to get my MBA to be something more for us and tried to be a good homemaker, and he decided he would rather be with a part time bartender, ex-stripper."  Ouch, but the sad truth.  Granted she probably made a lot more money than I did.  But still. I have huge breasts and when I was skinny...I could have went down that route, but for the most part, in these areas...I think women that get into that profession have extremely low self esteem.  It is my own personal belief and opinion that flaunting your body to get attention will not get you too far in the long run. I wanted someone to appreciate me for more than just my body or face...I wanted to impress someone with knowledge, conversation, household skills (cooking/laundry/etc), and a little charm.  Now, if I lived in Vegas in my 20s let's say...I would have been OK with a part time job one or two nights a week as a cocktail waitress or something (I'd have a real job too)...but not one of those cage dancers; I can't even imagine.

The saddest part of the letter?  "but at least now I know he isn't the one for me.  I learned 6 months too late.  I could have been healed by now, instead I am just starting the process."  Oh poor Denise...thinking 6 months is enough time to heal oneself after a terrible breakup.  I was so naive; it took me a little longer than 6 months...but then again, my circumstances were different than most. 

I am happy to report that while I might mention SI on occasion please note that I am not in love with him anymore and I am over it.  Sure I think about it...it was huge thing for me to go through but it also my reality and has made me part of who I am.  I am looking forward to meeting my husband soon and I know I am ready for that.  Not everyone needs rebound relationships or flings; I am not that type of girl.  So just because I haven't dated anyone since then...does not mean I am hung up on him, it just means I know what I want.  The few guys I have talked to... I knew there wasn't a future, and was either able to keep it super casual or not even bother.

Happy 300th post to me :)

Welcome back Aunt Flo

Can we talk about periods? I am sure it might seem a little strange having a 31 year old discuss this, but it has been on my mind.

I don't remember when I first got my period, maybe 14?  Anyway, it is one of those things that you start dealing with at a fairly early age.  About a year into my period, I started getting it every other week for about three years.  A way to know if a classmate started her period was to see if she went to the restroom with a purse, something that girls started to bring to school to carry their supplies in.  Of course when it was still 'new' I had a lot of accidents...you know when the pad or tampon fills up too fast and you start leaking.  That is probably why I started wearing my father's flannel shirts, so I could wrap it around my waist when need be.  Sometimes I would wish that instead of having it for 3-7 days, that you just spent one day sitting on the toilet emptying all that out.  As soon as I went on birth control my period regulated back to once a month.  I remember in college I was a runner-up queen to using coupons, and I stock piled OBs.  Then a funny thing happened, my period rarely came.  I might have went through three boxes of tampons in the last eight years.  My period for the most part, when I would get it was very light - so light that I would just wear a liner for two days. 

Then a funny thing happened.  A coincidence no doubt, but I had my tea leaves read and she told me I was very fertile.  I laughed.  I mean, how can someone who gets such a light period three times a year or less be very fertile?  Anyway, can I tell you that for the last three months I have had a crazy heavy period?  It is disgusting.  I feel like I am 14 and trying to figure all this out again.  I left my apartment today with out grabbing tampons to get me through the day so I had to turn around to go back to get them.  I actually had to buy a few more boxes, and wow, the price practically doubled in the last 10 years.  The whole thing is just so messy and gross.  I don't like that last month I had such a bad craving for chocolate that I had to stop at a store on my way to work to pick up peanut chews and a root beer for breakfast.  This month I am craving salty things...and ate almost a half a bag of chips and salsa for my morning snack yesterday.  The cramping is less than I remember  - thank goodness...but my mood has fluctuated a little bit.  Another down side is that I now have to plan around my period; not that I get laid that often, but I haven't been able to accommodate someone...which is probably a good thing.

I wonder why now?  What has changed in my everyday life that my body has changed?  I know stress is a huge factor to consider...but I don't really think I was all that stressed (well aside from 12 months a few years back).  Not having my period regularly goes back to the SI days - could it be that he caused my emotional body so much stress that my body knew it didn't want to bear his child? And even if so...why almost five years later has it returned?  Is it because I am finally ready to meet my husband?  Is my body ready to have a baby?

Review: B&N Nook

I bought a refurbished Nook about three months ago, but I didn't use it until the beginning of June when there was no way I would have been able to pack 2 or 3 books for my 11 day trip.  I quickly figured out how to buy a book on the nook from the Barnes & Noble website.  Opening a book was easy, as was changing the font, book marking, all of that.

Unfortunately, I am not rich, so I needed to also take advantage of my library's e-book collection where you can borrow a book for 7 or 14 days.  I used OverDrive and took their tutorial, which seemed straightforward. I was quickly able to browse, download the adobe software, and rent a book using my library card.  My problem was to figure out how to sync the nook.  I tried a few different things, but I couldn't find the file on my nook, even though I knew it was there somewhere.  My co-worker was the one who solved my problem the day before my trip...talk about cutting it close.  If you download a book that is not from Barnes & Noble, it is kept in the "My Documents" folder, not in "My B&N Library".  Which totally makes sense, but I didn't realize that there was a my documents folder.  Anyway, hopefully that will help all of  you.

I was excited to finally try my nook.  Unfortunately on the plane, you can not use it for the first and last twenty minutes for take off and landing.  When I was able to power up, I liked that my 'book' was light and easy to hold.  I bought a cover that folded over easily.  At first I didn't think I would use the buttons on the left side - since I am a righty....but I realized depending on how I was sitting it was just as easy to flip the page with my left hand.   I also was initially distracted by the flashing screen when the page turned. It would 'blink' black before the background turned white...but after a while you get used to that too and it wasn't much of a distraction.

Having borrowed books, I was confused by the page numbering system since it seemed like the page numbers changed every 2-3 pages, but I think that is just because the file was to be read on a computer, so with the smaller screen, it didn't adjust the page number based on the screen size.  Even though that was odd, it didn't throw me off too much, they have a line at the bottom with your reading progress and does it really matter what page you are on?  I haven't read a B&N book yet, but I am sure that the page number issue will not be there.

The hardest thing was at times when I was getting tired of reading, I would have liked to know when the chapter ended.  I like to finish a chapter when I can instead just randomly on any page.  I could have pushed the button a few times to see what was ahead, but I didn't, something like that is just easier with a real book.  My friend has the Kindle and she said that the bottom bar did mark chapters...the Nook might too on a B&N bought book, but again, since I haven't opened one of those yet...I am not sure. I didn't have that on the last two books I read on the Nook. 

I finished my book and I had another loaded...so I was able to jump right into another one without having to find it or if I realized one book was too boring to read, there were other options.  Very convenient.

My Nook also has 3G wireless.  I didn't really think I would use that for anything other than buying books, but I was wrong.  While I travelled, and I had Internet access in my hotel room, I was able to log into my FaceBook account, my email, or to read other websites.  Sure, surfing the web is not ideal on a small device and at times I found that the keyboard was difficult to use when buttons I pushed didn't get recognized or the space button didn't leave a space, but I am sure it just takes time to get used to using a flat touchscreen.  I loved that it allowed me to connect to the world in small doses.

Overall I actually like the Nook a lot more than I thought I would.  I love that it is small and light...taking up less room in my bag.  I love that the cover I selected has a pocket.  For my book club, the book selected is not available on OverDrive..and I am not about to spend $15 on a book I might not enjoy...so borrowing from the library is still an option, but if I can do 80% of my reading on the Nook, then I would be very happy. 

Review: Catch Me A Match

I saw a "Westchester Deal of the Day" for Catch Me A Match in February 2011. I knew I wanted to try to find a man a different way since I don't do the whole bar thing and the online dating thing...I am really glad it seems to work for so many other people, but I gave up. So, I checked out their website a few times...but it was so unprofessional looking that I really hesitated thinking - what kind of person would chose them with a site like this? But then I thought, well, I might and I hope someone else in the Westchester area will too, since it is convenient. A few weeks later I met with both of the ladies for all of 20 minutes. I basically reiterated what I said in my online 'application' thing. I did ask them about my age range (30s) and they admitted that most of their clients were in their 40s so I asked how will they find me a match meeting my criteria. They reassured me they went out to meet people and said in most times people get more than 1 date a month. So, I did it, I figured $340 might not be that bad if it worked...and unfortunately I don't have enough money for the NYC ones that are probably way better and I am not thin enough for the trophy wife match makers.

My first date was with someone not only out of my age range (but I thought what is an age? Low 40s could work) but also in a ethnicity that I didn't want. Now I don't want to seem like I have major issues with those things...I could be flexible, but 1) they clearly didn't listen to anything I said and 2) if you are going to break one of my three criteria...do one at a time, not two or three. The guy was nice..but nothing more.  He said he told them that their website was unprofessional as well.

The matchmakers sent me a picture of another guy. Total old dweeb - I thought SERIOUSLY...that guy? Why on Earth would they select him for me?  I refused the date and sent them a file with pictures of people I am attracted to - that I either dated in the past or hooked up with or someone I currently find attractive; there were definitely enough pictures on there to get an idea of the broad range of looks I am comfortable with. 

A month later I get an email the matchmakers met a perfect guy for me. They listed 3 things about him they thought I would like (blue eyes, outgoing, does yoga --& mind you the yoga & eye thing makes no difference to me whatsoever). Again, my match was in his 40s but I accepted the date with out seeing a picture.  He didn't look anything like the pictures I sent them, but he wasn't as unattractive as the #2, but he was retired.  On our date I asked him how he was involved in Catch Me A Match he said that he met them at a Westchester Singles event and they spoke to him all of FIVE minutes. He has negative things to say about Catch Me A Match too, and he isn't even a client. I took some time to decide what I would write on my review - and apparently I took too long because I get an email from them less than 48 hours after the date for my followup.  I fill it out and then they claimed they didn't get it so I had to do it all over again.  In the mean time, my date was nice enough to call me and we made plans without the intervention of the matchmakers.  I went on the second date with this man then the match makers told me he though I was nice and I should try a second date.  At that second date, I realized that drinking those beers/margaritas were helpful on date #1.  This guy just told the same stories over & over again.  I really hate that.  Then looking more closely, he was overweight and not all that attractive.  But aside from just the looks, I knew nothing would transpire based on his personality.  He doesn't have qualities that in the long term would benefit a healthy relationship for me. 

After the first date from date #3, I asked one of the matchmakers if they only met people at the Westchester Singles Events...and that I had hoped they would meet my match at a non-event - like a bar, grocery store, dry cleaner, park. Who knows. They claimed they went other places, but I do think they are all places where it reeks of desperation. I don't think I am there yet!

I don't think I am ugly and I will not 'settle' for someone just because we happen to be two single people in the same county. I was not planning on renewing my contract with them since I feel they have did a crappy job. I wish they were honest about either me being a hard match or not having people I wanted to meet. I mean, how hard could it be to set up a decent looking, nice 31 year old? I thought if I was flexible with them the first time with age/race, that they would do better the second or third time...but nope.  Maybe I should have asked what their husbands looked like so I can get a sense of what they like.

Then in May the matchmakers emailed me to refund me $100 for my last month since they found it 'too difficult to find a single man in his 30s'.  I wish they were honest upfront with how they met people and that they didn't want to really actually look for someone that met what I wanted and instead tried to set me up with people I didn't really want to meet based on my three major criteria points.  I was happy they admitted defeat, but they still took my $240 for two dates that I did more for practice than with hopes of finding a boyfriend.  Since they contacted me regarding the refund, I thought it would arrive soon thereafter.  I sent them two follow-up emails asking about it and never received a response.  It took a full month before my partial refund to be delivered to me, in an unmarked envelope. 

The few blog posts I wrote about Catch Me A Match lead to a few emails of other clients of theirs with very similar stories.  They all agreed that the initial 'interview' went well and they seemed like they knew what they were doing but then the matches were not what people wanted.  The matchmakers contacted them stating they couldn't find them matches...and that is from both sexes and in different age ranges than me!

My advice...if Catch Me A Match is still in business...don't bother signing up for their services.  Join the Westchester Singles Meet Up and you will meet the same type of people instead of wasting your money on their monthly services.

Here are my previous posts about my match making experience:
Catch me a match!
Date #1
The Chase
Date #2

a lazy annoying man

Another work rant.

I have this one male client who has probably had his secretary call me ten times in the last two months for my email address.  First of all, it is listed on the 'board list' that is emailed & handed out twice a year, it is on the website, it is in the newsletters, and we have been emailing for about three years...so it should already be in his contacts in his email.  Additionally, I email him regularly, and did so just the day before.  Why can't he just hit reply?  Shit like that just annoys me.

Sidenote:
My 'new' office is coming along.  It is a little smaller than my other one, but I am making it work.  I moved in yesterday and still have a bunch of unpacking/reorganizing to do on top of a major mailing that had to go out today.  I've been really busy at work & after work...no free time this week...so the postings might be a little slower.

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike

I don't generally exercise, but when I travel with my co-worker, she likes to use the hotel gym (among our sightseeing walks around the cities that can last hours).  Both in Chicago and in Anaheim I accompanied her to the gym and spent time on the elliptical or the bike. I love the bike, the one with the bucket type seat.  I would put it on random and set the level to like 8 or 9 and ride for approx 45 minutes. I would sweat and was exhausted, but it felt great.  I wondered why I didn't ride my own bike.

I bought my bike about 9 years ago or so and only used it a handful of times...so few times that my tires still have the threads on them.  I bought the bike because about 9 years ago I participated in a Bike Vermont tour; they said mountain bike tires were not idea for road biking - as you have to exert more energy.  Then two years ago I decide to bike in my apartment so I bought a trainer to convert my bike into a stationary bike.  Unfortunately with the big mountain bike wheels this was really noisy and difficult, so I bought a whole new back wheel using a street tire, and it worked great the three weeks I used it.  My bike then sat in the apartment for a year then I  moved it to the garage for a year where it was until this past weekend when I decided to bike the Bronx River Parkway.  On Friday I decided to get a front matching street tire...holy toledo that wheel was $87.50.  I didn't know it would be that much.  I found a neighbor to do the ride with me.  To prepare all I did was attempted to change my wheels - and realized I was not strong enough to take the brake off my back wheel then I attempted to put my bike rack on the car - and had a hard time with that too.  Thank goodness my neighbors helped with the rack- but I kept the mountain tires on. 

Anyway - we parked in North White Plains, so that added two - three extra miles to the 13.1 miles round trip from the County Center in White Plains to Yonkers.  I thought with all the stationary biking I did last weekend I would have been warmed up...yeah, not so much.  The small hills I found a little difficult at times. I only brought one water bottle with me (since my bike only has one bottle holder and I didn't bring a bag) and I tried to conserve my water - which was hard since it was also a bit warm and sunny.  I initially was thinking I wouldn't do the whole thing...but the southern part was very flat and easy and we didn't even realize we hit the end so quickly.  When we got to the end - it was good timing since my butt was so sore.  We took a little break and got ice cream from the truck and then headed back north.  We were out for about an hour and fourty-five minutes...but that did include a good 15 minute break and a few small breaks....and my out of shape body that at times I was only peddling about 8mph.  Clearly this is way longer than the stationary bike when I can bike the same distance in 45 minutes or less.  When I do this again...I will be sure to bring more water with me and have someone change out my back tire.

I really enjoyed this type of outing...and want to note that my future husband will need to be a LITTLE adventurous/outdoorsy/like to do these things with me.  Oh and be strong enough to fix my bike and put on the rack.

Pompeii the Exhibit

Saturday was the first time I went into New York City on a weekend in probably three years.  Holy Chaos.  Grand Central Terminal was packed...all three bathroom lines were so long as was the ticket lines.  Trying to cross the area with all those people took a while; a huge change from my morning commute.  As much as my commute aggravates me, I think I have a new appreciation that it isn't really that bad since most of my fellow travellers know where they are going, they might just be sleepy. 

I went to the Pompeii exhibit at the Discovery Center on 44th street.  Adult tickets were about $25. No pictures were permitted (even non-flash) and They offered an audio tour as well, if you were interested in that.  First we watched a video of a brief history of Pompeii, when this concluded we entered the first room with artifacts from pre-Vesuvius eruption.  Quite amazing and impressive artwork for before 79AD.  Additionally their everyday life seemed so structured and less simple than I would have imagined for that time.  After you look at everything in this section, you are permitted into the second movie.  This movie is a still-clip of what the eruption was like over the 12+ hours and the destruction.  The movie was brought goosebumps to my arms.  When the movie ended we entered the next room where cast replicas of humans were displayed.   This room then led to another room of other artifacts.  It didn't take so long to go through, we did it in about one hour, but in the last room I really just focused on reading the walls and not really reading about the artifacts...some were simple 'table', 'dish' etc.

After the exhibit we went down to Madison Square and ate at Eataly and ate in the Seafood section. I was not impressed at their limited menu, and neither were my four other people, I think we all liked the bottle of white wine the best!  One lady bought some foccacia bread which was out of this world from a stand.  After lunch we picked up some gellato from another section, I got the pistachio and vanilla...yummy; we ate it outside in the park.

An exhausting day but I had a really good time. I am happy I was able to learn more about Pompeii, I would love to go there at some point in the future when my travels brings me to Italy.

to sleep or not to sleep...

This week I feel like I have narcolepsy.  On Sunday/Monday I readjusted to the time change  - and felt great on Monday.  However every day this week in the morning and the afternoon on my commute I would fall asleep, only reading a page or less; very atypical of me.  At work I was barely able to keep my eyes open at times.  In the evening I would go to bed at a reasonable hour, but I was having really bad dreams this week and was constantly wakening.

I mentioned this to my family and co-worker and they too have been feeling extremely tired this week.  I wonder if it has something to do with the full moon?  

Metallica's "Enter Sandman" is exactly how I feel: (taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/metallica/entersandman.html)

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

Something's wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of snow white

Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon's fire
And of things that will bite

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

The search is back on

One of the things that gets under my skin is the rejection emails from organizations that you applied to.  Once eight years ago I applied for a really basic job in the county and my rejection letter stated something along the lines of  - not meeting their requirement for education.   The best part? I EXCEEDED it.  They were looking for a high school degree, I had a bachelor and a master degree.  Clearly they did not even look at my resume and cover letter. 

Throughout the years I would apply for jobs and get their standard responses back.  Most of the time I would be pushing the experience thing anyway...so I wasn't sure I'd even make it to an interview.  However two months ago I found this job that paralleled what I do now.  I had about 95% of the things on the job description.  The 5% that I didn't have wasn't a big deal either, it was more like interest in architecture and knowledge with some sort of software.  It goes without saying that I also had knowledge of other things they weren't looking for, as well as an advanced degree.  To me, it was a great balance and there was no doubt in my mind I wouldn't get at least an interview.  I was wrong.  I got a rejection email when I was away last week stating that other candidates were more qualified.  At first I was a little upset, I mean, that job sounded easier than what I do now.  Perhaps my salary requirement was a put off? But I don't think it wasn't unreasonable.  I am not asking for 100,000 or anything. I wish.  Then I realized...this is probably a good thing.  The job was very similar, being the front line of an association - dealing with the public...and you know how much I hate that right now.  My overall mood, motivation and politeness (if that is a word?) at work has drastically declined in the last year.  My tolerance level for 'stupid' questions is practically nil. 

Perhaps this time it was a blessing in disguise; I avoided getting a new job that I hated with less perks than the one I am currently at.  So, back to job searching again.  I should be doing that now...but instead I am writing a blog about it.  Commuting into work this morning was draining - walking in thunder, lighting and downpours...I just want to climb back into bed.  I don't know why the thought of job searching is so draining to me.  I need a new job but it is exhausting and annoying looking through all these postings.  Especially because I know my experience will be lower if I cross over industries; which I think I might do.  It is frustrating also that there are so many people in these great jobs that suck at what they do and I am sure I can do a better job than a good 40% of them if not more.  How did they manage to get them when I can't?  Oh, I wish I had more connections and this would be a lot easier.

traveling woes

When you travel, how does birth control pills work?  I have been taking mine at 9 pm since I was 18, and for the most part, I am really good about taking it within 30 minutes of that time.  But this past trip, when I traveled for extended period of time, in another time zone, I didn't know if I was supposed to take it at 6 pm or at 9 pm their time?  6pm would have been too early since I was still in meetings or indulging in happy hour and 9 pm most of the time I was just getting around to eating dinner!  Granted I wasn't having sex...so I wasn't worried about the pregnancy issue, just the cramping issue really and being on a body 'schedule'.  What do you do?

I generally like the window seat of the plane because I love to look out and see the land. 

• This past trip I did have a window seat on a super small plane (the kind that are 2 seats on each side and you have plane side baggage - not the smallest plane I've been on...but it was small) and the man next to me was very large...large as in he needed a seat belt extension.  I didn't know they made those - did you?  It made my flight really uncomfortable because we didn't have the arm rest separating us and I was as close to the window as possible so we didn't touch.
• I also had a few middle seats, since all but one of my flights had layovers.  Not ideal but for the most part it wasn't that bad, until my plane ride home when I didn't want to wake up the isle person so I can puke in the bathroom.  If I was in the window seat, that meant waking up two people...even worse!  

• Before we took off I was nauseous and she ate a disgusting smelling muffin that made me want to be sick all over her.  I felt gross but knew I couldn't get up since we were taxing forever and I was stuck there so I held my nose and attempted to fall asleep before take off.  I was proud of myself for not puking on the plane and willing myself to keep holding off. I refused to drink more than a few sips of water since I puked that all up on the side of the road on the way to the airport after puking in the bathroom leaving the hotel. 
• Moral of the story?     7 glasses of wine + 1 shotgun + 2.5 hours sleep - (very light lunch & no dinner) + 4.5 hour flight = a REALLY bad experience  
• Are the puke bags supposed to be used when you are sitting in your seat and you can't get up because the seat belt light is on?  Or are you supposed to also take them into the bathroom and puke in that there?
• When my boarding pass prints out with a note telling me one of my flights was changed - essentially another airline would be operating the flight, and I am given a gate number and a seat assignment...I assume when I get to the gate there wouldn't be a problem...but no...my boarding pass won't scan.  I am holding up the line the agent being questioned about my destination.  The 'long' way but the agent finds me and lets me in.  I think I am safe, but just steps ahead in another agent double checking!  She saw me talking to the first agent but wouldn't let me pass.  I have to go back to the first one - who stops checking in people to re-attend to me.  Now my fellow travel mates look at me suspiciously...Who am I? Am I going to hurt them? Am I a terrorist? I hear mumbles.  Finally the agent decides to reprint my boarding pass and then I get on with out a problem.  I was very happy when we arrived at our destination safely...otherwise I would have been blamed!
• One of the straps on my carry on bag broke so lifting my bag into or out of the overhead rack, or to move it in general was difficult. 
• When you travel alone and go to the pool...what do you do with your 'things' like an ipod, room card, cash, etc.  It makes it a little hard to either fall asleep or use the pool not sure if your things will be there when you get back.

The fall of the Denise wall

I've talked a lot about my insecurities and wanting to be more comfortable with myself.  In the last few years I have confused myself about who I am, I made things up based on assumptions that made me scared to want to try certain things - which of course leads to becoming MORE insecure since you avoid doing those things. 

I feel like I've had a wall up for a long time and that wall just kept getting taller and taller until you couldn't see me.  But like the Berlin Wall once it comes down, it is liberating.  I can't even describe my overall mood lately other than I feel more carefree, lighter somehow, do I dare say a little happy?  Building me back up is like a snowball, it gets easier since I am on that high. 

This past month or two has been a great learning experience for me - about me. It started with the beer pong party and remembering what it was like to just have fun, live in the moment and doing things out of my comfort zone. And has continued and intensified in the last 11 days I was away. Among one of the things I had to do out of my comfort zone for two days was to make a plate of food and choose a table full of people to eat with and then talk to them - no big deal, but I didn't know anyone and they were potential candidates for my client...so I had to talk to them both casually and then about what I had to offer. Breakfast, lunch and a two hour reception. Intense.  Add that to attending a party solo, catching up with 'old' friends, talking with vendors, accepting a date from someone new, asking the airline to change my seat, wearing a bikini and trying to convince people to become certified. 

The people I met this past month have flattered me so much.  I was told that I am not shy, I am pretty, I have a contagious smile, I am upbeat, I am nice, they didn't see me as standoffish or that I have a hard time talking with strangers.  I used to enjoy hanging out with friends that were slightly less attractive than me, but lately I have felt that I was the less attractive friend.  I was told so many times by people that didn't gain anything from telling me that I was attractive and fun.  Hearing that so much this past month, or all the attention I have gotten from men, has really boosted my self esteem. I can only hope it stays with me and doesn't fade now that I am back home...where I never seem to get attention (not that I crave to be in the limelight...but you know, just that people may notice me or talk to me). 

I am happy with the way things seem to be falling in place.  It is like my persona is redeveloping to prepare me for meeting my future husband...and I can't wait for that to happen.

Disney Mania

I am finally back from my trip.  This was my second time at the Disneyland Hotel - and I was happy to see that it is in the process of getting a makeover.  All of the rooms are/were renovated as was the pool area.  Only the hot tub and two of the pools were open, which was fine since it was a whopping 62 degrees and mostly cloudy.  The pool area was open until 10 pm and the water slide closed at 8. 

Part of the renovated pool area

The sleeping rooms have many Micky characteristics...

The headboard above lights up and also plays a little music when you turn it on which was really cute.  The room had a refrigerator, which is helpful for beverages/food...not many hotels these days give you that.  In the closet was a wall safe, which was an awkward size, but fit what I needed it to, a pack and play, an extra pillow, an extra blanket, and iron/ironing board.  Of course a hair dryer was in the bathroom...but it wasn't the best.  Speaking of bathroom...what I liked in my room was that the toilet/tub was in one room and the sink was near the closet; which is ideal when traveling with someone else. 

Since Disney is the "happiest place on Earth" it is no surprise that the customer service was amazing.  All the workers said hello and had big smiles. 

I was there for work...and one of our break refreshments was a tasty pretzel:

Our second night, my co-worker & I decided to try out Disneyland.  We were able to purchase a twilight ticket which was valid from 4pm - 9pm and was $34.  We rode the monorail over to Disneyland and found out that Thunder Mountain was closed for repairs, so we went to Splash Mountain...which also just so happened to close for mechanical issues just as we were getting in line.  Finally after walking for about 30 minutes, we ended up at Space Mountain.  It has been a while since I was in DisneyWorld...but I remember Space Mountain being a one-seat ride...in Disneyland it was a two seater, but of course the same great concept of riding in the dark.  Loved it.   That was the longest line we waited on...so in the 5 hours, we made it on 6 or 7 rides.  Some others included the Indiana Jones (which I don't remember from DisneyWorld - but was highly recommended by my friend Anne), It's a Small World, Finding Nemo, Pirates of the Caribbean, & ___.  We skipped the parade and the fireworks to do as much as we could do in our short time.  Walking around a bit, we did not see any of the characters...I know we were in a bit of a rush, but we did pass the restaurants the central areas and no sightings which made my co-worker sad.

Let's talk a little about Downtown Disney.  We were here a bunch, since it was so close.  There is a movie theater which is good for the night or when it is rainy.  There was a nice variety of restaurants - Mexican, New Orleans, Pizza, ESPN, Rainforrest Cafe, a fancier place, etc.  The food prices seemed reasonable, then again I am from the NYC metro area.  I enjoyed our food and beverage the best at the Mexican place.  One night we stopped in the New Orleans place for their dueling piano show...but was highly disappointed by the quality of the show...but still happy it was something to listen to.  We never made it over to the House of Blues for their show.  They had a little cupcake stand and a confectionery shop where we picked up these:

 

A bit of a walk, but within walking distance, there is a place called Garden Walk on Katella Street.  There are a few restaurants there and a small outdoor-type mall with a movie theater.  We ate at McCormick & Schmidt one night, where I thought the soup I ordered was FABULOUS.

My one small negative about Disneyland Hotel was the Business Center.  Most people wouldn't use this area, but since I had to mail out 5 packages...the worker, the only one that did not have a nametag I might add, was so overwhelmed processing my shipment and making photocopies.  I was behind the counter helping him with the size of the packages and how to do a multiple shipment. He commented that no one has ever went behind the counter to help him, but since we were there for ONE FULL HOUR....I started to loose my patience at 20 minutes and couldn't help myself. 

more candy apples...YUM

Becoming a Starbucks Groupie

While visiting my friend in Oregon, I had some free time in town while she worked.  In these two days, I became a Starbucks girl.  This should be a shock to you since 1) I don't drink coffee (or any caffeine) and 2) I never really 'got it' the interest in sitting in a place on a computer or reading a book for extended periods of time.  Why does one need to do this?  I am more comfortable at home, in my own place.  I can run into these establishments to get a drink or to catch up with a friend. In fact I meet my life coach in a Starbucks - and I leave there every time smelling like coffee.

But now I get 'it'.   Not being from the area, and not having room in my suitcase to shop and buy items from town...I needed a place to go and just kill time.  I borrowed her laptop, bought a Vent drink for $3.15- and sat there for at least two hours.  I got my monies worth of time.  I could have stayed longer but what to do when you have to use the restroom after drinking so much and when you are alone? If I am going to pack up all my stuff...I don't want to have to sit back down.  And being from a city...I don't trust people enough to leave my valuables behind for 5 minutes.  My intentions the first day was just to catch up with some personal email and maybe write a blog since all those 'truth' ones get boring.  But the second day I wanted to do a little job searching.  Unfortunately, I kept getting sidetracked and worked another blog or two, but I did do some looking around.

I still feel a little out of place, and a little guilty about taking up space, but since it isn't overly packed and no one new needs my seat...it isn't so bad.  I am definitely not going to be making a habit of this, but it works for what I need it to.  Now if only I can find a few more drinks I like besides the hot chocolate (which probably does have caffeine) and the Passion Fruit Iced Tea Unsweetened...I'd be all set.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

When SI and I were together, I remember the moment that I realized I loved him so much that death scared me. I was driving on the NJ Turnpike we were on the phone and just hung up.  I don't recall the conversation we had, but I remember that feeling after like - nothing can happen to me now...I can't die because I love this man way too much and I need to do all these things with him.  I started to fear him driving so much (maybe this also had something to do with him being MIA for days at a time) or being on the highway and stuck in traffic for horrible accidents. I would always count my lucky stars that I was still around.

After the breakup with SI, I was miserable, completely and utterly miserable.  Although some days weren't as bad because he would feed me information that would make me believe we'd be together again, but the days that didn't feel right, the days that he didn't respond or was cruel...those days I thought about death.  I never thought about suicide to the point where I ever considered I would do that to myself.  But I did think at times that SI would/should. Horrible right? Anyway back to me.  More often than not, my thoughts turned to what it would feel like to die and ways to die or not caring about dying.  I would stand on the train platform waiting for my train and it would come and I would think - what if I just fell in front of the train?  Why didn't anyone push me onto the track? Or going into Penn Station/Grand Central Terminal and thinking what if a terrorist bombed this area right now and I blew up into millions of pieces?   I knew I didn't care what happened to me, but I wasn't going to go out of my way to do it to myself...but if fate had it happen, then so be it. I accepted it.

I am happy to report that although I am still OK that I can not control certain destinys like being a victim of some sort of mass destruction (tsunami, earthquake, bomb, etc) I no longer think about what it would be like to die on a daily basis.

Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today

I am still alive because someone is looking down and it just isn't my time yet.  There have been a few 'close calls' like this past winter when a huge sheet of ice fell from a building and missed hitting me by 2 inches - and a cab driver passing by yelled out the window how lucky I was that it didn't hit me...it was THAT close.  Of course in the car - where there are so many close hits or times when you think you'll fall asleep at the wheel.  Other times I was scared someone was going to end my life because it was just 'simplier'.  I am still here. Some luck, support of my family, and a lot of fate.

Day 24a - Make a playlist to someone - heartache

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone - and explain why you chose the the songs. 
Well, I can go in one of two directions.  I can go with the songs I have related to so much in the last five years or I can go with the ones of my future.  Such tough decisions - and I am not good at making decisions right now, so I will do both [due to time constraints, part a is below, and part b will be forthcoming].

Playlist 1 - this is dedicated to SI or any other future man (not that I expect there to be) that will break my heart.  Some songs are the love we had, some are how I felt after the breakup, and some are for moving on.  In no particular order whatsoever...here is my breakup playlist

• Bruno Mars  - Grenade - Gave you all I had, And you tossed it in the trash, You tossed it in the trash, you did, To give me all your love, Is all I ever asked...
• Adele - Rolling in the Deep - The scars of your love remind me of us, They keep me thinking that we almost had it all, The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling, We could have had it all, Rolling in the deep, You had my heart inside of your hand, And you played it to the beat
• Maroon 5 - Tangled - There is nothing left to say to you, that you wanat to hear, that you wanna to know.  I think you should go.  The things I've done are so shameful.  Your just innocent, A helpless victim in a spider's web.  And I am an insect going after anything I can get.
• Rhiana - Take a Bow - Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not, Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught, But you put on quite a show, Really had me going, But now it's time to go, Curtain's finally closing, That was quite a show, Very entertaining, But it's over now, Go on and take a bow
• Bon Jovi - Shot Through the Heart - Would you be content to see me crying.  After all those little games you put me through. After all I've done for you you're lying.  Wouldn't it be nice to tell the truth. Didn't somebody somewhere say. You're gonna take a fall. I gave you everything. Now here's the curtain call
• Toni Braxton - Un-Break my Heart - Un-break my heart, Say you'll love me again, Undo this hurt you caused, When you walked out the door, And walked out of my life, Un-cry these tears, I cried so many nights, Un-break my heart
• Heart - These Dreams - But all I remember Are the dreams in the mist These dreams go on when I close my eyes Every second of the night I live another life These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside  Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
• Soft Cell - Tainted Love - Don't touch me please I cannot stand the way you tease I love you though you hurt me so Now I'm going to pack my things and go Tainted love, tainted love
• Rob Thomas - Someday - Cause maybe someday, We'll figure all this out, We'll put an end to all our doubt, Try to find a way to just feel better now and, Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud, We'll be better off somehow, Someday
• Billy Joel - Matter of Trust - Some love is just a lie of the mind, It's make believe until its only a matter of time, And some might have learned to adjust, but its always a matter of trust
• Jordin Sparks - Tattoo - I loved you once, needed protection, You're still a part of everything I do, You're on my heart just like a tattoo, (Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you I'll always have you, I'll always have you)
• Eve 6 - Inside Out - Want to put my tender, heart in a blender, Watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion, Rendezvous then I'm through with you
• Mariah Carey - My All - I'd give my all to have Just one more night with you I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine 'Cause I can't go on Living in the memory of our song I'd give my all for your love tonight 
• Chicago - Hard Habit to Break - I guess I thought you'd be here forever, Another illusion I chose to create, You don't know what ya got until it's gone, And I found out a little too late, I was acting as if you were lucky to have me, Doin' you a favor I hardly knew you were there, But then you were gone and it was all wrong, Had no idea how much I cared, Now being without you Takes a lot of getting used to Should learn to live with it But I don't want to, Living without you, It's all a big mistake, Instead of getting easier, It's the hardest thing to take, I'm addicted to ya babe 
• Donna Summer - I Will Survive -  At first I was afraid, I was petrified, I kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.  But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, that I grew strong.
• Genesis - That's All - Just as I thought it was going alright, I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right, s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all, I could say day, and you'd say night, tell me it's black when I know that it's white, s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
• No Doubt - Don't Speak -  You and me We used to be together Everyday together always I really feel That I'm losing my best friend, I can't believe This could be the end, It looks as though you're letting go And if it's real Well I don't want to know, Don't speak, I know just what you're saying, So please stop explaining, Don't tell me cause it hurts Don't speak
• Evanescence - My Immortal - And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, Your presence still lingers here, And it won't leave me alone
• Matchbox 20 - Push - She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough, I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in, and I don't know if I've ever been really loved, By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's Gonna give, And I'm a little bit angry
• Janis Joplin - Piece of My Heart - Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,You know you got it if it makes you feel good,. You're out on the streets looking good, And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right, Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night, Babe, and I cry all the time! But each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain, But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again
• Barenaked Ladies - Call & Answer - I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again,   I think it's getting to the point where we have almost made amends, I think it's the getting to the point that is the hardest part, and if you call, I will answer, and if you fall, I'll pick you up
• 30 Seconds to Mars - Closer to the Edge - I don't remember the moment I tried to forget, I lost myself, is it better not said, I'm closer to the edge...No I'm not saying I'm sorry, One day maybe we'll meet again
• Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds - We're caught in a trap, I can't walk out, Because I love you too much baby, Why can't you see, What you're doing to me, When you don't believe a word I say?  We can't go on together With suspicious minds And we can't build our dreams On suspicious minds
• Leona Lewis - Better in Time - Thinking that I deserve it, Now I realize that I really didn't know, If you didn't notice you mean everything, Quickly I'm learning to love again, All I know is I'm gonna be OK, Thought I couldn't live without you, It's gonna hurt when it heals too, It'll all get better in time,
  And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to, It'll all get better in time
• Pink - Hell Wit Ya - But it doesn't seem fair you're so good to her, And I tried to pretend I didn't see all those things that you do, you couldn't do for me, I was in love wit ya, But the hell wit ya cuz you didn't wanna treat me right, I was in love wit ya, But the hell wit ya cuz you didn't wanna treat me right, Now ya got another girl in your life, givin her love all day and night, was in love wit ya, But the hell wit ya cuz you didn't wanna treat me right...What does she do to you, To make you give her everything like you never did for me, Call it jealousy, but it's killin me
• The Script - Breakeven - What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok, I'm falling to pieces, yeah, I'm falling to pieces, They say bad things happen for a reason, But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding 'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving, And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even
• Sarah McLachlan - Stupid - how stupid could I be a simpleton could see that you're no good for me but you're the only one I see. love has made me a fool it set me on fire and watched as I floundered unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer but you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create an oasis dries up as soon as you're gone
• Alanis Morissette - You Outta Know - and every time you speak her name Does she know how you told me you'd hold me Until you died, till you died But you're still alive And I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away 
• Air Supply - All Out of Love - I wish I could carry your smile in my heart, For times when my life seems so low, It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring, When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
• Candlebox - Far Behind - Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes, But I live with what I've known, And then maybe we might share in something great, But won't you look at where we've grown, Won't you look at where we've gone, But then someday comes tomorrow holds, a sense of what I fear for you in my mind, As you trip the final line, And that cold day when you lost control, It's a shame you left my life so soon you should have told me, But you left me far behind
• Backstreet Boys - Quit Playing Games With My Heart - I live my life the way To keep you comin' back to me Everything I do is for you So what is it that you can't see Sometimes I wish I could turn back time, Impossible as it may seem But I wish I could so bad, baby You better quit playin' games with my heart
• Cheap Trick - The Flame - Watching shadows move across the wall, I feel so frightened, I wanna run to you, I wanna call, But I've been hit by lightning, Just can't stand up for fallin' apart, Can't see through this veil across my heart, over you, You'll always be the one, You were the first, you'll be the last
• Third Eye Blind - How's it Going to Be - I wonder how it's going to be, When you don't know me , How's it going to be, When you're sure I'm not there, How's it going to be, When there's no one there to talk to, Between you and me
• Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge - Sometimes I feel Like I don't have a partner Sometimes I feel Like my only friend
• Roxette - It Must Have Been Love - It must have been love, but its over now
• Adele - Set Fire to the Rain - But there is a side to you, that I never knew, never knew.  All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true.  And the games you'd play, you'd always win, always win.
• Maroon 5 - Not Coming Home - When you refuse me You confuse me, What makes you think I'll let you in again, Think again my friend, Go on misuse me and abuse me, I'll come out stronger in the end, and does it make you sad, To find yourself alone, And does it make you mad, To find that I have grown, I'll bet it hurts so bad, To see the strength that I have shown
• Chicago - Look Away - And from what you said, I know you've gotten over me; It'll never be the way it used to be., So if it's gotta be this way, Don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay. But if you see me walking by, And the tears are in my eyes, Look away, baby, look away. If we meet on the streets someday, And I don't know what to say, Look away, baby, look away. Don't look at me; I don't want you to see me this way
• Katherine McPhee - Over It - Don't call, don't come by, ain't no use, don't ask me why, you'll never change, there'll be no more crying in the rain. Wanting you, to be wanting me. No that ain't no way to be. How I feel, read my lips, because I'm so over..Moving on, it's my time, you never were a friend of mine. Hurt at first, a little bit, but now I'm so over.
• Frank Sinatra - Fly me to the Moon - Fill my heart with song, And let me sing for ever more, You are all I long for, All I worship and adore, In other words, please be true, In other words, I love you 
• Poison - Every rose has its thorn - But now I hear you found somebody new, and that I never meant that much to you, To hear that tears me up inside, And to see you cuts me like a knife, I guess
• Naked Eyes - Always something There to Remind Me - Well, how can I forget you, girl? When there is always something there to remind me. always something there to remind me. I was born to love her, and I'll never be free. You'll always be a part of me.
• The Fray - Over my Head - I never knew I never knew that everything was falling through, That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue, To turn and run when all I needed was the truth, But that's how it's got to be, It's coming down to nothing more than apathy, I'd rather run the other way than stay and see, The smoke and who's still standing when it clears, Everyone knows I'm in Over my head
• Matchbox 20 - Leave - I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong, I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me, I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on, I just didn't wanna let it get away from me, But if that's how it's gonna leave, Straight out from underneath, Then we'll see who's sorry now
• Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending - You were everything, everything that I wanted, We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it, And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away, All this time you were pretending, So much for my happy ending
• Jet - Look What You Have Done - Oh, look what you've done You've made a fool of everyone Oh well, it seems like such fun Until you lose what you had won
• Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts - Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore, You lost the love I loved the most, I learned to live, half alive And now you want me one more time, Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars, Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart.  You're gonna catch a cold, From the ice inside your soul, So don't come back for me, Who do you think you are?...I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, ‘Cause you broke all your promises, And now you're back. You don't get to get me back
• Lifehouse - Broken - I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain, there is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on I'm barely holdin' on to you...I'm hangin' on another day Just to see what you throw my way And I'm hanging on to the words you say You said that I will be OK
• Pink - Please Don't Leave Me - How did I become so obnoxious, what is it with you that makes me act like this, I've never been this nasty, Can't you tell that this is all just a contest? The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest, But baby I don't mean it, I mean it, I promise

The pretty boy

My meeting in Las Vegas went well.  Next to me was a good looking 'pretty boy' vendor that I talked to a bunch since well, we just sat there for HOURS.  He left at one point to get laid during the afternoon break  - so later at our reception when he asked me if I wanted to have sex, I was a little confused.  Did he mean with his girl? I wasn't ready to share someone in bed.  Perhaps he wasn't travelling with the lady of the afternoon.  One of my goals is to have a legit one night stand - where I don't know someones last name, a complete stranger, etc.  This was my perfect opportunity.  I told him I may be interested and had about 2 glasses of wine but then I chickened out and downed another 2 drinks before I headed for the hot tub.  A little tipsy I decided I needed to feed my belly, and over dinner wondered if I should have just done it. 

On the way out of the restaurant as I headed for the elevators some guy said something, and I turned around and smiled.  He then stops me and asks where I was headed - and I told him I wanted a dessert from this bakery place, so he comes with me and we get a cheesecake - that we share.  I sit and talk to this stranger for 10 minutes as he is hitting on me asking me to hang out with him this night and the next day and I just keep smiling and saying no.  If pretty boy didn't get me - he sure wasn't!  I thank him for the yummy cheesecake and go up to my room to pass out.

I have to say the last 2 weeks has really upped my self esteem.  I haven't been hit on or had so much attention since I was in high school.  I am not used to it and I really don't know what to do.  But I am glad I still 'have it'; that some people find me attractive - and the best part is I was the most causal person in the casino- I wasn't trying to impress anyone.

So, I didn't meet my goal of having a one-night stand, I honestly, I don't know if I ever will.  When I saw pretty boy the next day we continued to flirt and after our conference he hung out with me by the pool for an hour or two.  He was the typical 'sales man' that I blog about how much I hate; their cockiness, their arrogance, selling everything/saying anything to get what they want - but for 2 days when I just sat there at least looking at him helped pass the time.

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life

I wish I took more risks.  These risks could be anything as simple as smoking a little pot, having sex with a few more people, investing my money, saving more money, leaving a relationship earlier, traveling more, being more spontaneous.

Some of these things I can still try to do, all hope isn't lost.

The itsy bitsy spider

For my trip, I wake up at 4am to get to the airport by 5.  I didn't sleep well, wondering if I packed everything I needed, and hoping that my alarm would go off at 3:55am.  I use the airport bathroom, still half groggy and I see a spider dangling from my butt.  I freak out, because well, I have a huge fear of spiders...or any bug really, but to see a spider ON you.  I controlled myself and didn't scream since I didn't want airport security to think I was being murdered in the ladies room so I start flapping my arms trying to get spider off of me, but I don't see where it goes.  Finally I must leave the restroom to board the plane unsure of what to do. 

Since I was half sleepy still I kept thinking on the plane all the most unrealistic scenarios, such as a colony of spiders living in my body.  Or something similar to an older episode of Fringe where bugs come out of your every pore or break through the skin and then you die.  

The rest of the day I spent extra time trying to make sure I didn't have bugs on me.  I haven't seen it since, but since I need proof, I don't know for sure it isn't lingering somewhere on me. 

I am not a 'dirty' person.  I mean sure, I didn't shower at 4am, but I keep my apartment and my body tidy.  This seriously freaked me out and is somewhat embarrassing. 

Why I like Usher



source

 I remember back in high school, I heard one of Usher's songs, but I didn't become 'addicted' to his beat until his 1997 album - with "you make me wanna".  Over the years, a few songs on his albums have caught my attention.  This past year I am really 'diggin' some of his music.  When a song comes on, I notice I just start bouncing in my seat.

One of my favorite songs is "Yeah", it just gets me going and that hasn't stopped since "More". 

He seems like such a down to Earth guy and his enthusiastic style is contagious; you can tell that he is passionate about his work.

My worst kiss

Without a doubt I can tell you that my first french kiss, was also my worst kiss.  In high school I kissed this guy G that smoked. Not only was he smoky - but he moved his tongue in circles and shoved his tongue so far down my throat I could have swallowed it.

It is probably why I decided I needed to kiss so many guys - practice. I wanted to make sure I was good at it because being a bad kisser, sucks.

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

I wish I didn't go back to school for my MBA at that time.  It was very expensive and caused me nothing but problems in my personal and financial life.  I didn't utilize my education after obtaining the degree...which I also regret and now I feel like I just messed it all up and can't get a great job because I still lack experience from the limitations in my current position.

Day 21 - Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 21 - Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Without a doubt, I would be at the hospital in the waiting room with my best friend's family.  I would stay there as long as possible to find out if s/he was OK or for the varying bad news.  I'd visit with my friend and would apologize - even though I know more than likely it wouldn't even need to be said...you'd just look at each other and know that there are bigger and more important things in this world.  If s/he was truly my best friend, then there wouldn't even an issue.

My office gets a make-over

Well, the last 8 work days are coming to an end, thank goodness.  No No, I don't have a new job yet, but I did have to pack up everything in my office because we are renovating and my office is shifting down the hall.  For the last 8 days I have had to go through my clients files and take apart what will be scanned - and remove paperclips and staples, decide what is a keeper and put into the burn box (I had 6 burn boxes!) the stuff we don't need.  On top of that my other 4 filing cabinets and two bookcases needed to be emptied and all the stuff from the top of the cabinets and under my desk needed to be packed up too.  This was no joke, at times, it was such hard work.  Last Friday I was stripping down at work and still I was dripping sweat onto the boxes.

These are all the filing cabinets that I had to clear out.  My new office will only have room for ONE. 

Some of the boxes that will be scanned so I don't need those two large 'wood'cabinets above.

All the rest of the boxes that I packed up.  I have about 2 of them in my temporary office, but for the most part...I am sort of shocked how much crap I had in my office.

I am indifferent about the renovations.  Unfortunately I am going from the last office in the hall to one that is near the people that talk loud all day.  I don't think I can keep my door closed and I don't think I can blast music, so it is going to kinda suck listening to their BS ALL day long.

The work starts today and my office is among the first since a wall is coming down.  With 90 minutes to spare (Well, I did come in 45 minutes early again) I finished packing everything yesterday.  Thursday I leave for 11 days for work related trips and a few days vising a friend in Oregon  :)   I won't have my laptop with me - but I have a few scheduled posts.  I need to work on a few more today so you won't forget about me in my absence.  I am looking forward to being gone for the work mess and chaos.  No one else started to clean out their offices yet. It might have been funny to be here and listen to them stress about it.