I am finally getting around to moving in/organizing my new office space. When going through a pile of papers, I found an envelope addressed to SI's parents with a letter dated February 10, 2007. I remember writing this letter, as I re-read it I noticed it was very well written for that topic, but of course I didn't send it. The envelope had a 39 cent stamp on it, then a 2 cent stamp -- so I was thinking of sending it a bit after I wrote it.
People say that you should write down your feelings but before doing anything with it, put it on hold. This way before you send it you can make sure that is really what you want to say, check the tone of the communication, or even if you think the other people need to know. Better to be safe than to regret a hasty decision.
So, do I regret not sending this one and a half page letter? Maybe a little. I think what I wrote about was important at the time but I was so scared that if I sent it...it would have been THE end of SI and me. Instead, I didn't send it and we ended up talking for another three years on and off. Bad choice. So if I sent it...it would have been THE END and I wouldn't have endured further confusion or heartbreak. But all I wanted was to be with him so I couldn't take that chance. Of course I can't go back in time and mail it and there is no way I would send it now...although I do think that some of what I wrote would surprise them still...but whatever, it is water under the bridge. SI's life is his and his dishonesty is something that he chooses to reveal or hide.
I was happy that I was able to read the letter with out shedding a tear. All that mess finally feels like another lifetime. As I read "Looking back, I don't even know when I had to invent happiness with him over all the frustration I was feeling when he was never around. I let myself believe we were happy when we really weren't" I was proud of myself for even realizing that. Is there a worse feeling that being home alone wondering where you beau is all the time? Not having someone there when you need them? Waiting and waiting for them to show up or call when they said they would just to be let down? I was in such denial that it didn't occur to me I wasn't happy. In that moment when you are hurt so bad, those words you say are generally full of truth - so I am not sure why I then chose to ignore it.
The best part of the letter? "As much as I don't want to see him with the girl he cheated on me with, they might deserve each other. After all, I went on to get my MBA to be something more for us and tried to be a good homemaker, and he decided he would rather be with a part time bartender, ex-stripper." Ouch, but the sad truth. Granted she probably made a lot more money than I did. But still. I have huge breasts and when I was skinny...I could have went down that route, but for the most part, in these areas...I think women that get into that profession have extremely low self esteem. It is my own personal belief and opinion that flaunting your body to get attention will not get you too far in the long run. I wanted someone to appreciate me for more than just my body or face...I wanted to impress someone with knowledge, conversation, household skills (cooking/laundry/etc), and a little charm. Now, if I lived in Vegas in my 20s let's say...I would have been OK with a part time job one or two nights a week as a cocktail waitress or something (I'd have a real job too)...but not one of those cage dancers; I can't even imagine.
The saddest part of the letter? "but at least now I know he isn't the one for me. I learned 6 months too late. I could have been healed by now, instead I am just starting the process." Oh poor Denise...thinking 6 months is enough time to heal oneself after a terrible breakup. I was so naive; it took me a little longer than 6 months...but then again, my circumstances were different than most.
I am happy to report that while I might mention SI on occasion please note that I am not in love with him anymore and I am over it. Sure I think about it...it was huge thing for me to go through but it also my reality and has made me part of who I am. I am looking forward to meeting my husband soon and I know I am ready for that. Not everyone needs rebound relationships or flings; I am not that type of girl. So just because I haven't dated anyone since then...does not mean I am hung up on him, it just means I know what I want. The few guys I have talked to... I knew there wasn't a future, and was either able to keep it super casual or not even bother.
Happy 300th post to me :)
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