The fall of the Denise wall

I've talked a lot about my insecurities and wanting to be more comfortable with myself.  In the last few years I have confused myself about who I am, I made things up based on assumptions that made me scared to want to try certain things - which of course leads to becoming MORE insecure since you avoid doing those things. 

I feel like I've had a wall up for a long time and that wall just kept getting taller and taller until you couldn't see me.  But like the Berlin Wall once it comes down, it is liberating.  I can't even describe my overall mood lately other than I feel more carefree, lighter somehow, do I dare say a little happy?  Building me back up is like a snowball, it gets easier since I am on that high. 

This past month or two has been a great learning experience for me - about me. It started with the beer pong party and remembering what it was like to just have fun, live in the moment and doing things out of my comfort zone. And has continued and intensified in the last 11 days I was away. Among one of the things I had to do out of my comfort zone for two days was to make a plate of food and choose a table full of people to eat with and then talk to them - no big deal, but I didn't know anyone and they were potential candidates for my client...so I had to talk to them both casually and then about what I had to offer. Breakfast, lunch and a two hour reception. Intense.  Add that to attending a party solo, catching up with 'old' friends, talking with vendors, accepting a date from someone new, asking the airline to change my seat, wearing a bikini and trying to convince people to become certified. 

The people I met this past month have flattered me so much.  I was told that I am not shy, I am pretty, I have a contagious smile, I am upbeat, I am nice, they didn't see me as standoffish or that I have a hard time talking with strangers.  I used to enjoy hanging out with friends that were slightly less attractive than me, but lately I have felt that I was the less attractive friend.  I was told so many times by people that didn't gain anything from telling me that I was attractive and fun.  Hearing that so much this past month, or all the attention I have gotten from men, has really boosted my self esteem. I can only hope it stays with me and doesn't fade now that I am back home...where I never seem to get attention (not that I crave to be in the limelight...but you know, just that people may notice me or talk to me). 

I am happy with the way things seem to be falling in place.  It is like my persona is redeveloping to prepare me for meeting my future husband...and I can't wait for that to happen.