2013 Wishes & Dreams

Last year I posted about my wishes and dreams for 2012.

These are my 2012 goals:

• pay down credit card debt
• start to use cash more regularly
• volunteer
• find a new job
• save a little more money
• make new friends
• date. become more secure in my body & how it works
• lower cholesterol & triglyceride levels
• cook more often
• take a vacation
• some fun activities including:  book signing, berry picking, opera, etc.
• freshen style
• move/plan to move

Let's see what I did:  Yes, I paid down my credit card debt and used cash much more often.  I found and started a new job, a saved a smidgen of money, I partook in some fun activities (fire walking, camping, rope course), and I freshened my style sort of - I cleaned out my closet and donated about 10 bags of clothes and I spent a bunch of money on new clothes....still not super happy.

I did not volunteer, make new friends, take a vacation or move. I also never went for my free physical so I am not sure about my cholesterol levels.   The dating thing is tricky, not sure how to answer that, although I did go on about 5 dates with new people this year.  

I am ok with these results (considering I forgot to look at this post throughout the year); about 50% because the big stressful ones were taken care of, it was a decent year.

But 2013 has to be better.

My 2013 goals:

• Whenever I say "I never..." write it down, and by the end of the year try about 60% of what I never did before.
• Be more spontaneous
• Be in the moment more...enjoy the time when there, and stop trying to look past that time.  Enjoy the person I am with, as I might never see them again. And if I don't want to be somewhere, well, suck it up and ENJOY it anyway. 
• Move 
• Spend less money on clothes than I did this year
• Try 10 new foods
• Spend less time on Facebook
• Get my photo taken in 5 interesting places

I also have a holiday party next week where we'll do a resolution roulette.  Everyone will write down 1-2 fun resolutions and we'll put them in a hat and pick one.  Next year we'll see who actually did it.

New Years Plans 2012

I am off New Years Eve day, so I am going to do what I do every NYE day, see a matinee, run errands but instead of getting Chinese food for dinner and going to bed early, I am hanging out with ManFriend in the evening.  Which is ideal for me because I am still keeping a low profile and staying in...but get to kiss someone at midnight.

Since ManFriend revealed that happy bit the other night, I wanted to make our New Years a nice fun evening.  Show him I care.  Last year we invited a neighbor over, got drunk, chatted about everything & resolutions and kicked out the neighbor at 11:30 so we can make out - again.

This year, I am going to order a bunch of sushi and bring over 4 bottles of wine.  I expect we'll drink about 3 of them.  And hopefully we'll have as much fun sexually as we did last year.

My goal is to get him nice and chatty after 3 drinks and talk a little bit about us - what he thinks being part of a couple means, what he expects, how often he would like to see me, things like that.  I don't think other people have these chats about defining boundaries in relationships...but with ManFriend, I think it is kinda necessary.  Maybe not if we are a couple, but when things were causal  it was needed because we were rarely on the same page at the same time.  It lead to a ton of miscommunication, annoyance and confusion.  I am also a little scared because it means I am trusting someone and putting my heart on the line.  I want to be in love...but I am not 100% sure this will last, so I am hesitant.  But I just have to go along with it and see I guess. I'll never know if I don't try.

Wow, this will be the second NYE that I am kissing the same person.  I say that is progress.

Update:  Nope, ManFriend changed the plans.  We are going to a bar at the late hour or 9:30.  I hate getting old because this sounds HORRIBLE.  I am exhausted at it is 7pm, dealing with a crowded bar, drunk drivers and eating alone.

He loves me not, he loves me?

I was making out with ManFriend tonight and he said "We act more like a couple" and I said "uh huh" and kept kissing him.  He said "Maybe we should try it?"  I reply "Try what?" (Remember I am a bitch at times).  So I expressed my concerns regarding the logistics if he is moving sooner than me.  He said we'd talk about it later.

So we go out to a bar and have a few drinks...go back to his place, and we are in bed - he says "who is going to say it first tonight?" I reply "certainly not I".   But a moment later he said it.  "I love you".

HOLY CRAP.

Can I say that again?  Holy Crap.

So we went from casual sex to love?  I don't think that is normal.

But am I surprised?  No, we've been doing this for 13 months.  Clearly with all my postings, I get so annoyed by him, because I expected or wanted more at times throughout the year.  There have been times I almost blurted it out myself, but I stopped myself because of two reasons - 1) was it just in the moment since how can I love someone I really don't know and 2) I couldn't say it out loud when we weren't even dating.

I am not going to lie, I never really do, I was happy about this, it means I'be been doing something right.  But can he really love me?  I know he loves being in bed with me.  We watch TV.  We go out to eat sometimes...but that is it.  Can that be love?  It is completely different from the first and only other time I was in love.

I've only said I love you to SI.  I don't take it lightly and so I didn't say it back.  I know he doesn't understand my hesitation.  He knows I feel it, sort of...he said, 'I can see it in your eyes and what you do to and for me'.

He wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't have very strong feelings for him.

He asked to hang out on New Years, so I guess we'll talk about this stuff more on Monday.  I guess I have a bit of thinking to do...and questions I need to ask him...like what does he think being part of a couple entails?      Is he automatically a date to a wedding?  An automatic yes to a concert I want to see?  Dinner with the family on a random Saturday?  Doing his laundry?  Or the same exact thing we've been doing except exclusively.

getting fed up

Do I dare to fill you in on my ManFriend issues?  Why not, I have no other thoughts today.

ManFriend started a new job, going on three weeks ago. Unfortunately it is a bit far and he is driving there - until he moves.  He is having a hard time adjusting to working again and is utterly exhausted.  This past weekend he told me he was going to take me out to celebrate  - and hours later I never heard from him.  Even though I asked him to call/text me so I knew for certain - you know value my time.  Well, he didn't.  I never heard from him over the weekend.  Then Christmas Eve we had a lot of leftovers so I told him to stop by and get some...but he gave me an attitude and I lashed out - I mean, who can't commit to something the SAME DAY, just hours later?

He told me I was over reacting.  He was just tired and fell asleep, and woke up at like 9...but still, I didn't get a message at 9 saying, 'sorry I feel asleep', I just got the silent treatment....making me feel guilty for reaching out.

Does this behavior sound familiar?  It should, it has SI's characteristics all over it. I would say it sounds like cheating, but we aren't together, so...

But the nice, sweet, stupid me still made him a plate of food (in fact, I gave him more food than I took home).  So he takes his food and says, stop by later....and you know, he didn't answer when I called at the prearranged time, so I went home.  30 minutes later he messaged me he was running late...I didn't go over...it was too late.

We chatted a while back about new years - if we didn't have other plans we'd hang out...but what I am going to do, wait until 9pm for an invite that night?  I know I never go out, I hate that night - possibly because I spent most of it alone or crying when I was IN a relationship...so not being in one doesn't sound much better.  Anyway, while I won't have any other plans, I feel like I can't concede again.

What is it about me that men love to want to play with, but don't want to keep?  I mean, I am a better girlfriend than friend.  I bake, cook, do laundry, am familiar with several crafts, a bit handy around the house, nurturing, etc....isn't that what makes a good girlfriend/wife?  And why months/years later do the guys appreciate it THEN, not at the time?

If I am destined to be single - then I really need to stop having casual sex.  Just give it up entirely.

In case of my death

The last few days have been filled with thoughts of death.  I keep thinking, if I have these kinds of feelings from Kevin's passing, how will I handle someone who was more prominent in my life - like SI or Cop#1 or one of my current female friends?  

If I hear of SI's death, would I even care? I mean, sure he was a huge part of my life...but what he did to me was unexcusable   The SI I loved, is dead - someone else took over his brain and heart and he isn't the person I fell in love with - so when he passes - I might not care, because I already spent 5 years mourning him/it.  But, I might care, I probably will; because I am sentimental    

Cop#1, yes no doubt I'd shed quite a few tears.  

What it comes down to is - would I even know if someone important to me passes?  Probably not.  

I think what I am going to do, is have an "in case of my death, please notify the following people" note so my family will contact people - whether or not I currently talk to them.  Or perhaps I can send a small package to the people with a short note.  

What do we really know about death? Do we believe in angels and ghosts?  Do we look down from heaven to see who turns up at our services?  And if so, would I be surprised who turned up to my services?  Have I even made an impact on someone's lives where they would take the time out of their lives to attend my services?

I think I'll not have any kind of service...that will avoid my disappointments.

bathroom privacy

When you are home alone, do you close the bathroom door?

I never do; what is the point, I am already alone...I am certainly not modest in the other parts of my living quarters, and have walked around naked or mostly naked when I feel like it because - why not?  So why be all shy in the bathroom?

I also have left the door open when others are around, because honestly, I don't care.  do you?

A tribute to Kevin

This will be one of the hardest posts I'll have to write.

This month has been filled with such tragedy.  The horrible shooting at the elementary school in Connecticut  the LIE pileup, my friend telling me her father is dying, and finding out this morning that my high school friend Kevin died.

Kevin isn't just some random person from long ago.  I posted about him once here.  He will always hold a special place in my heart because I gave him my virginity.

I met Kevin at a under 21 club in Poughkeepsie in 1996.  As a twist of weirdness would have it, he turned out to be the brother of someone I was currently hooking up with.  Since Kevin was more my age, he & I started hanging out/dating (although I don't think it was exclusive on his end).  I hung out with him a lot during my senior year and especially the summer before college - we talked about his future...he was considering a baseball draft offering or going to college - I stressed college, what did I know? But he did turn it down because it was the rival of the team he admired as a kid.   I have a whole bunch of papers he signed for me as a joke, but also because he secretly desired to became famous.  Since we were young, we just spent time at each other's families houses, and making out when everyone went to bed.

As college rolled around, we still kept in touch.  One night me & my roommate went to visit him at his school, and we all got drunk - and I had my first sexual experience...a memorable night.

After that we kept in touch via letters for a little while, but like anything it faded.  Turns out he did play ball for a minor league team until he had an injury.  And at some point he lived in Hawaii for a few years off the radar completely.  As my other post said, one day probably in 2002 or 2003, Kevin found me again and we spent 6 hours catching up and hanging out.  Our paths crossed so many times; him coaching baseball at the college I went to, and not knowing each other was in the same building!  I remember when I saw him at that time how ill he looked.  I couldn't figure out what it was, he was like a skeleton and very pale.  Something was off, but he didn't say anything.  I remember walking away that day wanting to keep in touch, but I didn't.  Life with SI got in my way and I forgot.

But it never stopped me from thinking about Kevin once in a while and where he was.  Cell phone numbers changed, addresses changed.  I sent him birthday cards to his parents house..but I lost him, until last year.  We chatted on the phone for 2 hours and occasionally IMed each other.  I was so happy to hear that his life was going well and he found an exotic looking wife.  He was so happy - or so I thought.

Then on September 18th of this year he posted on Facebook he was in the city, just a block away.  I met up with him after work.  He got heavier, but don't we always? and still recognizable from the old days just a little older.  We spent 2 hours catching up.  I left there very nervous.  Something was wrong with Kevin - I have no idea what it was and he didn't say.  But he couldn't remember very much in the short term, his long term memory was amazing, he remembered so much from our time in high school, my family, my sisters, movies we watched, etc.

I am so happy I was able to get that time with him recently.  He was such a great guy, always so sweet and complimenting and he enjoyed life to the fullest.  He was one of those people that you admired in that kind of loving life kind of way.

I didn't go to the wake, but I went to the funeral mass - I sat in the last row, alone.  I needed to say goodbye to this amazing guy.

I will always remember Kevin.

Me & Kevin in Cape Cod at one of his baseball games (1998)

Kevin & Me at the beach in Cape Cod (1998)

The night of my deflowering - September 19, 1999

The last photo of me as a virgin...

addiction

How amazing is this feedback from a reader:

"i swear to god I love ur blog. its my addiction"

I really appreciate people reading some of my thoughts.  I know many times I use the blog as a diary...I get a bunch of hits, but usually mostly for the 'reviews' of things, not the everyday stuff.  I enjoy making people laugh or having them relate to some of what I say.  

So thank you, all of you, for reading.  I will continue to share my thoughts and doings in 2013 - and hope that the posts will be a little more exciting and varied - and I hope you continue to comment or send me feedback and suggestions for topics.

Happy Holidays.

tis the season for re-hookups

It is that time of year where people are re-hooking up.  Unfortunately I am not stranger to this phenomenon - I recycle my men.  I do it because I want to keep my number low and you know what you are getting yourself into.  It makes perfect sense.

So, I have a sorta thing going with ManFriend, nothing restrictive but he constantly tells me how lucky he is to be with me, and that I turn him on, and that I am sexy as hell.

But, I've hooked up with Cop#1 about 7 times this year because he is my addiction.  We've been at it on and off for 13 years...and I love that I excite him so much.

And now, out of the woodwork I received a "poke" from Bank Boy. I didn't know you can still poke people on Facebook, but that generated a short conversation.  He suggested one more night.  But remember, he was obsessed...there is no way I can do that again because once isn't enough for him, I rocked his world a little too much.

Two days later HSK started messaging me again, first it was just catching up stuff over the last 1 1/2 years since he decided I wasn't good enough for him, but then he started complimenting me then asked to hang out.  Then more messages on different days - still filled with compliments.  We even made plans so he can show me a good time...whatever that may entail.  Normally I wouldn't go for hooking up with him again, because he was an odd conceited fellow...but no joke, his small little penis was the most satisfying and amazing sexual experiences ever.  So, why would I not try again, especially because I feel like having lame sex with ManFriend is making me forget to have decent sex.

Then comes some New Year's resolution ideas from my male friends about hooking up with them in the New Year.  I told one guy that I was open to hanging out with him again - I haven't seen him since I was friends with this girl T from college, he is/was her friend.  But his penis was HUGE...a little scary.  Add to that greesy - him and his girlfriend are rocky, so immediately he asks to bang.

Finally, the most unexpected of all was Doofy.  I never made a good impression with him in the bedroom.  His huge penis scared me, clearly I have a problem with extra large. I always felt young and inexperienced with him.  It may have been the timing too - I was a bit more insecure a few years ago.  I mean ManFriend has been with ~over 150 women, and I am not bothered with that, so just because Doofy is more experienced  I shouldn't have a problem, especially if he was willing to teach me stuff. Who doesn't love to learn?  Anyway, I haven't heard from him in a long time, so it was nice to chat with him a little bit and I was super flattered with his kind words.

What should this tell me?  It tells me that I am desirable   I mean, it isn't one person telling me I am pretty or that they want to have indecent relations with me - this is now a few of my past men...men who know me, men who've seen me naked, men who've seen the 'crazy' Denise, the 'sad' Denise, the 'happy' Denise, the super drunk Denise, and the serious Denise.  A few men, so it can't be a mistake.  If I had a tag on me, it would say 'recommended by 9.5 out of 10 men'.

So there it is, I must be pretty awesome, otherwise these men wouldn't be asking to re-hook up with me.  Tis the season, where I might let my guard down, and just do it...with all of them.  Why not?

shooting stars

The meteor shower last night was a good show.  I stay up or wake in the middle of the night throughout the year to catch glimpses of the meteor shower and lunar eclipses, but this past year has been hard - it has been raining or partly cloudy which makes for a very difficult viewing, and a disappointed Denise.

I love the stars, looking at the clear sky and its vastness makes me feel so insignificant.  Throughout the year when i see such a clear sky, I always take a moment to look up and appreciate the moment.  the stars, the moon...wondering what else is out there...it is utterly amazing.

Last night's meteor shower turned out to be a mostly clear night with a sliver of a moon.  I have been a little under the weather this week, and I was utterly exhausted last night.  When I got home at 9:30 I looked up and saw a huge bright shooting star...I couldn't go in yet, so I laid on the patio in my work clothes and thin coat.  I stayed like that for 20 minutes, practically freezing so I reluctantly went inside.  

I figured it wasn't the peak time until 11 - 2, so I'd wait an hour and try again.  It was so hard to stay awake, but I managed. I ended up putting snow pants on, a sweater, my coat, winter boots, gloves, a scarf and I went back outside to lay on the patio.  I started to think  -this is what all the homeless people do every night, except of course, I was in a private area, not having to worry about people walking past or stepping on me.  As I am looking up at the dark sky and see another shooting star my first thought was how fortunate I was that I am not homeless and I am lucky enough to have a roof over my head.  There are so many small things to be grateful for each and everyday, and while I worry about things, in the grand scheme I have to remember it will all pass.

My first real wish was for my friend who just told me some very sad news.  My second - tenth wish was for me to meet my future husband soon...very soon.  

I started playing this game, if I see a shooting star in the next 3 minutes, that means I will meet my future husband within the month.  If the next shooting star is bright, that means that I'll meet my future husband within 2 weeks.  every time I almost started to loose hope, zooomm a star shoots by.  

I would have loved to stay outside even longer to enjoy the show, especially after I dressed properly for the occasion this time around.  But I was so congested that I was barely able to breathe so I went inside about 11:45.

Gone Girl Review

Considering how many books I read, I don't really write about many of them.  I just finished Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.

This book sucked me right in, and I finished it in about 3 days (6 30 minute commutes, and an occasional lunch).  It was by no means an amazing book filled with lots of thought and intrigue, but what I liked about it was about a couple, their problems, revenge, and a little craziness.

The below will spoil the book for you if you have not read it.

Right away, page 29 "They're baffled by my singleness.  A smart, pretty, nice girl, like me, a girl with so many interests and enthusiasms, a cool job (this I don't have), a loving family."  This is me...why would I not want to read on? She caught my attention, I am Amy.

The story rotates each chapter between Amy and her husband, Nick.  I love stories that rotate like this, it keeps my interested and makes me read faster.

So how the story goes is that the first chapter opens up with Nick...on the day of.  I wondered, on the day of what? but that soon becomes apparent - Amy is missing and it also happens to be their 5th wedding anniversary.  The Nick chapters tell you about the investigation and the progress of the days Amy is missing, it is 'current' day, and sheds a lot of light on what Amy is like, and a bit about Nick too.  The Amy chapters are diary entries  over the last few years, and explain about their relationship, which sheds a lot of light on Nick.  As the reader starts to figure out which of these two people they can relate more too...part 2 comes.

Part 2 starts a few twists.  First, an affair...not really a surprise if you read part one, it was clear this is where it was leading.  And then you get into a new twist on the rotating stories.  In part 1, you started to feel really bad for Amy, based on the story she was telling in the diary, and based on some of the things Nick said in his part, but in part 2, this flips around.  The twist? Amy planted the whole thing - although if you read as much as me, you knew this was coming from super early on in the book.  Amy starts to explain a whole other side of their relationship...one that she is portrayed as psychotic.  Things are revealed about Nick that makes you wonder how he put up with this for so long.

Part 3 Amy comes home and continues to manipulate Nick.

So, what did I like about this book?   First, what kind of woman wouldn't want to get revenge?  Second, Amy's stories about her feelings about the husband reminded me all to much of SI.  She nailed some of the thoughts, even if they were fabricated to set him up.  Examples include how you can love someone so much but yet fear them; constantly wondering if today was the day he was going to snap and kill you; the emotional abuse; the exhaustion of knowing the person you share a house/bed with hates you; the amazement of the mistress being your opposite; realizing how stupid you seemed in the eyes of the man that you love - when he knows how he can play you and manipulate you and therefore looses all respect for you; trying so hard keeping something to work; and giving up a lot for the other person.

I can't say that when I found out about the deceit  I didn't think the things Amy did.  How amazing would it have been to set him up for something - I mean, I wouldn't fake my own death, but wouldn't i like to see him suffer?  Of course.  Amy, unfortunately, was a little crazy, but that is what I loved  - she planned and thought of everything to set him up and hurt him back.  It was genius and psychotic but there is no doubt I had a little respect.  [don't judge me, whenever I hear of any spectacular crime, don't we always say WOW at some point after we shake our heads in disbelief].

So there it is, a very incoherent babbling about a recent book I read.  I have to remember if I do this again, to jot down notes or write the blog posts in parts as I read the book.

annoyance for not sharing feelings

During our last awkward encounter, ManFriend asked me why I never tell him I enjoy our time together in bed.  Was it that I did, after all we've been doing this almost 13 months, or was I desperate?

I didn't really give him an answer at that moment, aside from some cold, defensive thing like 'what makes you think I enjoy this'...yes bitchy I know.

But he deserves an answer, so I wrote him an email, since I can more coherently get my thoughts out with out being side tracked and with out interruption from him.

So, what did I share with him?  I was brutally honest.  I told him that my reason for not saying nice things to him was both that I am desperate, but that I've enjoyed it and I find him attractive most of the time.  But more importantly, casual sex is so freaking hard.  I never know how much is too much, how little is too little, finding that medium is hard.  When will he pull away?  Who is supposed to apologize first?  Does he really mean anything he whispers to me in bed anyway?  Why do we have so many issues when we aren't even dating?  I get nothing out of this, and sometimes I feel like a cheap whore-  no woman wants to feel that way.    If I said nice things to him in bed, am I admitting I like him - and if so, is that even allowed?  I go out of my way to do nice things for him, and I can't think of two things he's done to/for me....but I don't need to share that with you now, you've been reading this for months - and when I talk about ManFriend, I am usually venting on here.  I tried to end it a few times, but I am a sucker for seduction...but it will end in just a few short weeks, if not at our last awkward encounter and the reading of my email.

It served its purpose, it was convenient, and it lasted way longer than I thought it would.

stealing a birthday

I hate my birthday.  I think it is because ever year when it rolls around I am reminded of how my life isn't how I hoped the year would go or that my 'plan' will never happen, and that I am getting old.  Old age scares me, and I feel like NOW is the time to live...and I am barely.

But there is one day when I am determined to have a fabulous day, and that day happens to be SI's birthday.  OK OK, I know that sounds absolutely insane.  And even though he has no clue, for me it is more of a 'see, you bastard, you aren't the only one who is going to have a great day today...damn it I am too'.

So for the last few years I've scheduled dates, had sex, took the day off and shopped, whatever.  

This year, I had high expectations.  I was just getting over a fever and knew that on that day - that it would be gone so I would look and feel good.  I took a shower, spent that extra minute on my makeup, wore something great.  I arranged a lunch with a coworker and had a good day at work.  Things with ManFriend have been off (no surprise) so I put on some lingerie and went over there with that on, and a coat with heels.  I've always wanted to do that.  Open the door, take off my coat, let it fall to the floor, and surprise!  But, it was not the reaction I hoped. It missed passion, it missed intensity and desire.  It was like, oh you are here? I totally forgot we had plans, I am tired, and well, since you are half naked I feel obligated to have sex with you.  So it was awkward, I felt like a whore but I was determined to have sex on SI's birthday - I can't break a streak.

So, it wasn't an ideal day, but it wasn't a horrible one either, better luck next year.

a possible family extension

I am currently at a point in my life where I see a pregnant woman and I think...'good luck' or 'ugh' anything that goes along with I have no desire to want that. I hope it is temporary.

The last 10 months or so, my period became regular - a first for me in about 17 years.  As much as I am newly bothered by the period routine, at least I know I am fertile, and can possibly have a child - a dream of mine for the last 13 years.  Although I question if I really want to bear a child now, I never wanted a baby this late in my life.

So, imagine my dismay when my now regular period does not arrive this month.  I think, have I been stressed?  No, I have very little stress in my life now- a very good thing.  Have I been eating something different?  Well, aside from my new disinterest in eggs/egg whites for breakfast every morning - I can't say that anything stands out.

Of course I begin to worry about a pregnancy.  I am not good about taking my pills regularly all the time.  Sometimes I go 3-4 days forgetting when I am really busy in the evening   Sure, I have regular bland and boring quick sex with ManFriend, although he calls it making love, when we are the farthest thing from love.  We use the trusted pull out method.  So there is always a possibility.

At my job we can only change over our insurance once a year, and the pregnancy/new mother option is better in the other insurance.  Something to consider.   Additionally, I have been seriously considering buying/renting a new place, one with two bedrooms, and I wonder if it is a sign...because, after all I wanted that other bedroom for a kid.

So of course this gets me thinking.  I am not at a place to want a kid right now, I need a little more time.  And if I did want a kid - as a single mother, I want a kid, not a baby, yes, adoption/foster child.   And what about ManFriend?  We've been doing this for a year, but there is no future in it.  Would I tell him? Would I just let things fade, as I suspect they will by January 1st, if not by yesterday.  I don't want to worry about co-parenting with someone I don't want to see the rest of my life.  No thanks.

So, before I get to crazy thinking, I figure it is best just to take a test.  I didn't want to waste the $13 on something I was sure was going to be 95% negative - but there is that slight chance, that makes the $13 worth it.

I was right, it was negative.  So, one bullet down for now. I don't have to worry about carrying ManFriend's child.

So now I am thinking about my future - I still definitely want a two bedroom (minimum) just in case, and I am dreaming about my little kiddos - but I never see them as a baby, just about 6 years old.  Time will tell.

balloon animals

When I went out shopping a few weeks ago I saw this balloon making kit, and immediately thought of my littlest nephew.  I am not sure why, maybe because we had so much fun with the paper airplane kit I bought him last Christmas.  Anyway, this year, I am not buying all the nieces and nephews Christmas presents - but I picked this up for him anyway.

Turns out this past week, the poor kiddo had a high fever for several days, and came down to visit.  Just like any parent, aunts want to do whatever is in our power to help them feel better, so I brought out the balloon animal kit.

He was so excited.  It took us a while to figure out the mechanics of the balloon.  Our second balloon we attempted to make a giraffe.  Even with the proportions a little out of whack, I think we were successful   The Third balloon we popped while twisting it.  The fourth one we turned into a dog.

not bad for my first time:

After that it was bedtime, but I really looked forward to making more the next day.  When I got back home, he runs over and tells me he broke the pump.  I crazy glued it back together, but it didn't work properly.  We were both upset.  So I went to amazon and bought two air pumps (I won't let mine break!), 250 balloons and a balloon book.  We can't wait for it to arrive so we can make more animals and swords.

I might turn this into a little hobby, making balloon animals at family parties or in a park for strangers. :)

One Year Financial Recovery Recap

I can't believe how fast this past year went.  I just celebrated my one year anniversary of my debt reduction process.

The past year went surprisingly smooth, and while sometimes I think I got nothing out of this and I yearn to move on with  my life...I have to look at where this year has taken me.

I don't believe I mentioned what my credit card debt was at this time last year (credit card #1   ~$8,000 (my online account doesn't go back this far, and my paper statements are in storage so this is just a guess), credit card #2  $4,495.80).  OK, so about $13,000 seems somewhat manageable.  I figured I'd pay off both credit cards by the summer, the latest.

What I didn't factor in is that I have a HUGE spending problem.  I keep buying things.  Sometimes it seems like I can go weeks without making a purchase, but then I soon overspend the following week.  I felt a lot more comfortable this year, and used my debit card a lot too.

My total payments to credit cards totaled $20,411.71 from November 2011 - November 2012.  That is a huge chunk of money.  To do this, I used almost every single 'extra' penny on payments, which included not going out as often (which helps when you don't have a lot of friends and a Man Friend who lost his job twice) and I tried to put a little extra towards my student loan and mortgage..but really it wasn't a lot at all in comparison to the credit cards.  My current balance for credit card #1 is a little less than $3,000, and unfortunately all the great deals this past week caused me to shop for myself.  I am also owed about $800 from a work reimbursement which will go directly towards that, and I may return some of the clothes I purchased.

Other financial things:

• I never ended up refinancing the apartment
• I didn't take a vacation or go away other than work trips.
• But I did spend $ on some 'fun' things like zip-lining, ropes course, fire walking, Broadway shows, archery, new restaurants, clothes, happy hours, laser hair removal, etc.
• I also spent money on dates & groceries on ManFriend since he lost his job twice this year and had no money.
• I didn't upgrade my car (although I almost did this past week)
• I increased my automatic deduction to my savings by $100 per paycheck as of September, but also made about $800 extra over the last few months
• Still paying the mortgage, condo maintenance, and student loan each month
• I went to a nutritionist for 3-4 months, that cost me $978.20
• I also quit the scrapbooking hobby, effective in 4 days, that should save me at least $1,200 a year. But I also have about $2,800 in inventory I need to get rid of.
• I am still debit carding groceries & gas

You would think, now that I finally did the math, how exciting it is to see that I used $20,411 and if I could save that much money in the next year, I would be in a great state...however, this is coming to an end it is time to start planning my next living step (and car if I am lucky).  

Somehow that $20,411 should also motivate me to stop spending money.  Cut back on my spending...but how do I do that?  I am addicted.  I keep trying to stop, I do.  But sales suck me in or the lack of wearable clothes in my vast closet, and gifts for others.  I am hoping to use it less, after the holidays and when the balance is nice and tiny again.

deductible dismay

It is that time of year I need to send out some thanks.  Today I am thanking Obama...I just received notification that my health insurance deductible for 2013 is DOUBLING.

So, as a single person living in a top unaffordable area, I will now be required to pay out of pocket the first $3,000 deductible plus the $80+ per paycheck = somewhere about $5,000 before I get any health care costs covered.

Now sure, I realize with the HSA, I may not spend all that...and if I am lucky I won't need to go to the doctors too often, but it is insurance, and with insurance, you never know when you'll need it.  My sister this past year got very sick for 3 months and went through her family's $5,000 deductible very quickly. You just never know.

$5,000 is a lot of money for me to stash away or have to plan on paying just in case I need a CAT scan, decide to get pregnant, need my nose cauterized and even break a bone.

I have a decent job, and would be considered middle class...but how can it be middle class when credit cards are covering these costs and I am more in debt then the poor people.  That is right...I am NEGATIVE money.  They just have very little.  I am more poor then them, and yet, I am not getting any/enough help from the government. 

URG.  

One Year of ManFriend

Today marks the one year anniversary of ManFriend & my first dinner.  We weren't sure what it was at the time, which made it hard to define what was to come. At one point he said 'maybe one day we'd look back on this day as the start of a relationship'. 

Fast forward a year, I don't know if I'd call what we have a relationship, but dinner that night did lead to something.  Sure, I had hoped I'd be in a real relationship by now...I mentioned that to ManFriend that first night and again on New Year's when we were talking about our resolutions.  So, I didn't quite fulfil this resolution or goal...but it has gotten me back into the mode of sorta trusting someone, having someone to hang out with, having regular sex, and being incredibly frustrated by men. 

A facebook friend posted that she just celebrated her one year anniversary with her boyfriend and I realized what a sham my one year was in comparison to hers.  Sure, you aren't supposed to compare your life with others - but let's take a look, you know, for fun.

Her - in one year, she dated this young fella, met his family, met friends, spent holidays/family gatherings together, had real dates/outings, gave/received gifts, went on trips, said she loved him, and moved in with him.

Me - in one year...ManFriend met one brother-in-law...I am struggling for something else.  Hmm, had about 10 dates (including Yankee games, 2 movies, and Mohegan Sun Casino) and 3 'sleep overs'.

Wow, I think I just realized how lame the last year has been. I know I thought so, but it is even more sad reading what I typed.

I need to end this asap.

Boost to self esteem

As I’ve mentioned, spending the last few days with mostly men, has been quite a boost to my self-esteem.  Three nights ago, about 4 of my coworkers were flirting with me or stated something along the lines of me being attractive.  One went so far to say he was astonished that not only was I single but that I have the hardest time meeting men; he couldn’t believe it. 

Hell, even I can’t believe it.   Many of the pretty girls become trophy wives, the next level of pretty women have nice looking husbands. The unattractive women still find husbands, and the average woman seems to be torn between dating/marrying their high school/college boyfriends or have a slightly harder time – but eventually they do.

Will I be the outlier?  Will I spend the rest of my life solo which I thought about after the damage SI inflicted on me?  Why do men claim to be surprised I am single but yet don’t offer advice or a blind date?  I understand not getting involved with a coworker, believe me I struggled very hard with the morals of dating/fooling around with someone this year that may have been inappropriate, so with a co-worker it would be even more difficult and the wrong person at work could affect my job, which I need.

It was good practice; flirting with men and hearing some compliments…I am looking forward to the opportunity to try it again.

Coworker Withdrawal

I spent the last four nights with the same people and I was even starting to look forward to our dinner and/or drinks afterwards.  I think it was mostly due to me being more comfortable with them and loosing up a bit and becoming more ‘fun’ again. 

Most people departed the day before me, and while I still had one good friend to have dinner with, part of me missed the other people I had socialized with.  I had to consider was it because the travel and being amongst these people all the time, was I sad to see my ‘social life’ end since I was soon returning home to less eventual evenings, or was I developing a few crushes?

k is not my future husband

I have always been more comfortable with guys then women.  In high school I was friendlier with more men, and in my second college, I don’t think I made one women friend – just a few good guy friends.  It is funny, actually now that I am thinking about it.  I am more comfortable with guys, we get along great, and yet, none of them are interested in me.  Hmm, I think I need to think about this a bit more.

Anyway, so my female co-worker was busier than me so I hung out with the finance guys almost every  night.  The new guy K (from the last post) and I talked a bit more – I realized he was a bit arrogant – but part of me finds that both slightly attractive and not attractive all at once.  I like a man that is confident – but the whole I am better than all you guys thing- I find that unattractive.  It turns out K has a girlfriend, and while we didn’t flirt, we still continued to chat with each other through the day/at functions – him mostly because he didn’t know to many people, and me because he was a better choice than other people I know. 

On our second to last night hanging out a few of us go to a sports bar, a restaurant, the hotel bar, a club/concert, and another bar.  The opportunity for alcohol consumption was significant and K gets loaded.  At the bar, he starts to flirt with me a little, even though there are a few other women around, I don’t pursue it, but I noticed it.  As we were leaving the bar heading back to the hotel, he can barely walk and begins to slur.  At the hotel, somehow we end up at the bar for another drink, and he is the most drunk I’ve seen a man in a long time.  All of a sudden, he begins making out with my neck.  You can not reason with a drunk person, so I tell him it was time for bed, and I lead him away.  We get to his floor and he can’t find his room, so I call the lobby for help. I get him to his room and he attacks my neck again.  I absolutely love a man that kisses my neck, and if I get the goose bumps, even better – score for the man.  As I am pegged to the wall by this slender but surprisingly strong man, he kisses me.  I am really not into sleeping with an unavailable man so I whisper to him that it feels great but that I have to wake up in 3 hours – I couldn’t tell him I didn’t think he was 1) capable of having sex 2) capable of staying awake or 3) that he shouldn’t cheat on his girlfriend. 

However, part of me was a little flattered, sure it took a little bit of beer goggles, but in the end he wanted me. 

the meeting of my future husband?

Tonight I was meeting up with a co-worker whose name begins with D.  Since this gentleman is married, he invited a few other people from his department to have dinner with us – which was nice because I was able to meet/talk to other people I don’t normally talk to on a regular basis.  When we all met up in the lobby, I knew 2 of the 3 gentleman.  The third guy apparently I met in the hallway of one of our offices just 4 days before, but the really bad with names/faces thing kicked in and I didn’t remember, however he did.  His name begins with K.

Now do you remember back to my psychic reading? She said I would meet my next person (who I am hoping next person is the husband) when I am with a D and maybe 2-3 other people.  His name would begin with a S, J or K.

Of course, the hopeful person that I am, the wheels in my brain are starting to turn.  Could this K guy be the guy?  The good thing going for him is he was attractive.  The bad thing going for him (for me, many others would love it) is that his waist must be a 24, he is thin…and my waist is like a 30-31 with nice wide hips and a slight hourglass figure.  I never thought I would date someone who was more slender than me.  Maybe this person would help me get into shape and my insecurity would go away.

hurricane will help the economy

The hurricane last week will help the economy...and Obama will get credit for it, when in fact, it was mother nature that caused so much damage that people will be hiring like crazy and spending money to fix their homes / business and rebuilding tourist areas.

re-connected

Hey, I finally got Internet back...so be sure to read the last 7 posts or so that I wrote - they are posted on the day that I wrote them on - so it wouldn't be so many posts on today.

I haven't seen any news or pictures from the storm, but I heard it was complete devastation in New Jersey, Staten Island and parts of Long Island.

I hope you are all safe.



On a side note, can I bitch about how bad of drivers people are?  Having stop signs at big intersections those lights lost power - proved to be very difficult in my town.  People really need to brush up on the road rules and right of ways.  I think we need to  have mandatory road testing every 5 or 10 years...and actually, you know FAIL people. 

Allowed to cry?

I am an adult, am I still allowed to cry when I am overwhelmed, frustrated, sad or hurt?  Should I be embarrassed about it or seek alone space to do it?  In the past, I normally cried when I was sad or because I was hurt so much and I just cried and cried and cried.  I am over that, but lately, I am so disappointed in my life, and tears just surface within the eye. 

I look at some married couples and think about what a horrible relationship they have…yet, all I can think about is my future spouse.  I hate being so alone and I cannot find happiness and contentment until I have that person.  I know that sounds so stupid, but this past week has been a test, which I failed miserably.  I really enjoyed having the place to myself for a week – with the parents on vacation, I got the feel of what it would be to live alone again, and I enjoyed it.  But at the same time, all I wanted was to spend time with that friend – to spend a night with someone.  Granted, even if the parents were around, I would seek that out at his place but because I had the place to myself…I wanted it more often.

So, here I am on day 8 of this break from work and technology – and realized that I’ve shed tears at least three or four days of the eight. That is really bad.

I wonder if I will ever find what I am looking for.  And if not, how will I pass my time?

For those of you that are single or loners – how do you pass your evenings or weekends alone?  How do you find contentment in solitude?  How do you make friends?   

I am certainly not an outgoing overly happy person. I do not go to bars alone or looking for one night stand.   I enjoy my quiet alone time, but at the same time, I need a little companionship.

Resentment of ManFriend?

ManFriend and I had lunch yesterday and I hooked him up with gas.  I thought things were starting to maybe turn around again.  When I went to the grocery store, I picked a few things up for him – probably $40 worth of groceries.  And at 3:30 I invited him out to dinner…but as 7:00 rolls around I asked if I was eating alone. He never answered, but he didn’t say yes, so I ate with my parents.  Tonight is my last weekend night before heading back to work, I kind of hoped to get out of the house, spend time with someone other than helping someone.

I put myself in these positions. I am so good to the few friends I have. I help them and bend over backwards.  But yet, as ManFriend’s power came back on and with it his cable – I kind of thought maybe he’d invite me over so I can watch the news or something – since I haven’t watched TV since Monday…but nope.  Of course there are other examples of how I constantly feel disappointed - some of which I mentioned the other day.

Am I started to resent ManFriend?  I know he is dirt poor right now, and the nice person I am, I want to help, so I do.  When we go out to eat or get drinks, 90% of the time I get the bill.  I make him food or drop off groceries.  He asked for more…yet never defined what ‘more’ entailed.  He is seeing me less, we don’t ‘hang out’, and can’t have sex twice in a night. 

Why am I still interested?

Hurricanation

Remember my post about having a sh*t day?  At the end of the post, I said I needed a break.  Well, the universe responded to me and brought Hurricane Sandy my way.  Instead of worrying about taking a vacation alone, or where to go, I ended up at stranded alone at home – having 4 days off from work, or a 6 day weekend. {actually it turned out to be a full week off} 

Normally under these circumstances I would have worked from home, I even brought the laptop home in preparation, but unfortunately our building lost power and with that our computer system and telephone system went down.  So, I am not even working from home.

This might sound wonderful, but the truth is, it took a while before I could enjoy myself.   The first day I was obsessed with watching the news and what might come my way.  The second day I ventured out to see some damage and waited to hear about how bad the damage was…but that was hard without cable/internet. I did a little yard work, watched a movie, did three loads of laundry and then finally I took out a puzzle and drank a bottle of wine, alone.  Day three rolls around and I finally get my groove.  I went for a walk at 7am, scrapbooked for 5 hours, ate a lot, more yard work, switched over my closet and watched a few movies.  Day four is going to be challenging…what else can I do? 

In normal circumstances, when you know you will be off for a week, you plan things.  But because everything was up in the air, this was not possible. 

Many people complain when things like this happen…but I consider myself really lucky – considering how bad it was, my town and surrounding areas really lucked out.  I am very fortunate and feel horrible for all the people who lost so much – please don’t think I am cold because I am making light of this. 

Anyway, I’ve really enjoyed being disconnected from the world.  I mean, yes I am curious how bad it got out there…from what I’ve heard around town, it is devastating.  But I am really enjoying not checking facebook, not wasting time on the Internet, having the phone ring a lot, etc. I know deep down I am a simple person…I could go days/weeks without this technology. I think people are overall happier – and we start talking to our neighbors – imagine that.  I am really enjoying it.  It will be hard to get back into the groove next week.

Now if only the universe will work on getting me that husband.

Disappointment

ManFriend and I kissed and made up last Friday. We had a really nice drunk chat and I left feeling a lot more comfortable with everything.  I was even surprised when he commented on the fact that we’ve been doing this almost a whole year, and that he was very grateful for the things I’ve helped him with over the last year.

Then Hurricane Sandy rolls in.  I brought some candles over to ManFriends’ place Sunday evening knowing he wouldn’t be prepared and told him it would be really nice if he was hurricaned-in with me – especially because I had a 4 day weekend.  He said he liked that idea and would go over the next day, and even suggested an outing to see all the damage.  So I bought 4 bottles of wine, 2 cases of beer he likes, and a lot of Chinese food. 

Monday he spent the day doing who knows what, including napping…so naturally once 5pm came around, I knew he was going to be a no-show.    Tuesday I told him I still had power so if he needed to charge anything, cook, laundry, hang out - I was home and to stop by whenever.  Another no-show.

Such a stupid cycle, but I think I am sort of smart enough to see this NOW, thank you to my past boyfriend for allowing me to see and not want to tolerate such behavior. And thank you to ManFriend who is consistent with his behavior of doing this. 

So, now I am drinking a bottle of wine, doing a puzzle, and listening to my breakup playlist so naturally I shed some tears. What has my life come to? Is it so much for me to want a man in my life to spend time with me?  Is it worse that I hang out with a guy enough but even he would rather sit in his dark apartment reading or sleeping instead of hanging out with  me for a little while.   Why did he even have to say he’d come over and then why did he have to message me saying he still wanted to, when clearly he had no intention?  I miss being in a relationship so much sometimes. 

I hate the feeling I get when someone disappoints me.  And honestly, I feel like that is all ManFriend has done since I’ve known him. 

Hurricane Sandy is on its way

Before

This picture was taken in the spring

During

Being on a sound harbor, we did not experience as much surge
as other places...but our water rose, this was the first high tide.

The second high tide at midnight went off the park, down the road,
and up four houses.  Very impressive for a small harbour.

After

When I went out at 9am the next morning, so many of the trees
fell over, probably because they sat in so much water all day
and then the wind blowing around.

My area really lucked out.  Sure, we had damage but because we didn't really get too much rain, we only flooded near the water.  The rest of the damage was trees and wires.

Philamazing Race

My friend and I wanted to go to Philadelphia; I haven’t been there since I went for lunch many years ago.  I was looking for things to do, and on Groupon I found a scavenger hunt through the city.  I thought this sounded awesome so I got the deal.  We were a team of three, my friend, her husband and me.  We didn’t dress in costumes, but we coordinated our outfits so we matched. 

Let me say that the scavenger hunt was very challenging to out-of-towners.  My friends go into Philadelphia occasionally so they knew a little about directions or general landmarks, but I had no clue.  We didn’t have a strategy and we walked around aimlessly for a while working on the ‘fun’ photo clues. 

The two challenges we did complete were fun.  We met some really nice people (and a few that weren’t) who were willing to help us out and I was able to see parts of the city that aren’t part of the historic area.

When the results were given, the first place team had 540 points; I think they completed every challenge.  The second and third place teams had 430/440 points.  We had 180 points.

We were exhausted from all the walking (we didn’t take the trolley or bus – probably because we didn’t know the route.  It was still early so we decided to take a horse carriage ride.  The 30 minute tour brought us past all the historic sites – Independence Hall, Liberty Bell, some president’s houses, Second National Bank, etc.  I think this was my first carriage ride – but alas, I get to check it off my bucket list. 

The Scare Off

After our make-up drink, ManFriend dropped me off and saw where I lived.  It is official, SI and all the other men after have had sex on my bed.  When I settle down again with a person, I’ll have to be sure to buy a new mattress.

That aside, ManFriend also saw into my closet.  I think his jaw dropped.  It was not the amount of clothes (which he remembered I said I donated about 10 bags back in the spring); it was that my clothes were in color order.  I think he might have said I was a tiny bit neurotic.

I guess I am not surprised that he chose not to come over again that weekend.

cabbie-robbery

I had work related drinks after work today.  Since I was getting home late - I decided I was going to take a taxi home. 

When I got off the train I went over to all the cabbie, who are constantly harassing people when they got off for rides, and asked right away how much it was to get to my neighborhood.  The guy says $3.  I think, OK less than I thought, I was willing to pay $5.  I go to get in the car and the guys stops me and asks where my destination is (mind you it was less than 30 seconds ago) again.  So I re-tell him.  And he says $5.  And I was like...you JUST said $3, that is like 60% more, how about I give you $4.  He became insistent it was $5.  I didn't mind spending the extra money to get home 15 minutes earlier...but I was really annoyed he just upped it for no reason other than perhaps I was a woman and seemed lazy...and he might not have gotten other clients.

The thing is, in my town, that $3-5 ride is not a private ride.  They load other passengers into the car in the same area.  If this happens, you might not get dropped off first, and if you aren't are you really saving time?  Do I want the cabbie to get $20 for driving a mile?

That is the thing...it is less than a mile to my house.  In NYC, my fare would be $4.50 (which includes the night surcharge; see below) AND it would be a private ride.   Also, to park in the parking lot for 12 hours is $4.

So I told cabbie that since he changed the price I was going to walk instead.  He got nasty, said 'fine' and started telling the cabbie next to him that I was cheap because I wouldn't pay the $5 fare.  I turn to him, give him my evil look - and tell him I was willing to pay more - but his attitude and the fact that he changes prices is why I was going to walk and be home in 20 minutes.  He called after me with insults at which time I used some profanity...which is not like me at all.

Good thing I stopped and got a burrito in the city so when I got home I didn't have to cook. 

Thinking back, about 3 years ago I was sick and asked the cabbies for a ride instead of walking.  You know when you are sick and sweaty and feel like you are going to pass out? That was me.  So I am in the car, waiting for these other passengers...and I get kicked out because the cabbie was able to get other clients in another neighborhood...which meant more money for him.  I can't remember if I walked home in tears because I thought I was going to collapse or was able to find someone to come and get me.  Can you believe that crap? I think I vowed then not to ever use the local taxis...today was a little slip.


NYC cab fare is as follows:

Standard City Rate (Rate Code 1)
$2.50 upon entry
$0.50 for each additional unit
The unit fare is:

• one-fifth of a mile, when the taxicab is traveling at 6 miles an hour or more; or
• 60 seconds when not in motion or traveling at less than 6 miles per hour.
• The taximeter shall combine fractional measures of distance and time in accruing a unit of fare. Any combination of distance or time shall be computed by the taximeter in accordance with the National Institute of Standards and Technology Handbook 44.
• The fare shall include pre-assessment of the unit currently being accrued; the amount due may therefore include a full unit charge for a final, fractional unit.
• Night surcharge of $.50 after 8:00 PM & before 6:00 AM
• Peak hour Weekday Surcharge of $1.00 Monday - Friday after 4:00 PM & before 8:00 PM
• New York State Tax Surcharge of $.50 per ride.

Sh*t day

I can't get Pink's "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" lyrics.  More specifically the line - "I've had a shit day".  Granted I am not wallowing over a man.

I worked about 10.5 hours and only took a 30 minute break.  The day:  At 9:45 I have a nose bleed at work. Then I get a call from an area code that SI/mistress was from...and I always freak out when that happens; person left a 20 second background message.  I did call reverse just to find out it was a house number in the town next to where SI used to live.  I didn't want to keep investigating.  Later, I was supposed to meet up with an ex-coworker for lunch, but she had a 2 hour conference call....thank goodness I brought my lunch just in case!  This sort of annoyed me a little because I needed a break today.

Then I sent a job posting to ManFriend...and guess what, he replied back to me.  First time in a week.  Had some lame excuse about his quick need to go to Iowa on Monday....but yet, his behavior changed last week.  I didn't try to contact him at all yesterday.  So...it really irked me.  Especially when he said "perhaps we should only communicate by talking since it seems that every time we text/write one of us misinterprets something the other says"....He didn't get a response from me because I was tempted to say...'or not at all'.  If there is one thing I hate, is is being ignored.

Let's see...work.  This is a busy week...I have a deadline on Friday.  I can do MY work before then...but I am still waiting on so many other people to get me their stuff...and the last thing I want is to stay at work past 4 (in times they have stayed till 8pm....no fu*king way!).  I have been good about harassing my co-workers to get the stuff in for the last 2 meetings...and I still have three days, but....I am not optimistic.

I knew I had a conference call at 5, which means i had to work at least 2 hours late.  I was willing to do it of course because it is work and I need to prove myself.  But the volunteers were not prepared, snippy/grumpy, and confused.  Yikes.

Sitting at work, I decided I needed a vacation.  A few weeks ago, I signed up for this amazing trip to India/Nepal but it was cancelled.  I could have looked at another tour, but I haven't. I figured it was a sign I wasn't supposed to spend so much money.  So, I thought about something closer.  My problem is I have no one to travel with...and that really upset me.

When I finally got home, I checked the FaceBook news feed.  A cousin wrote "fingers crossed and saying a prayer".  I read the comments because, naturally I was curious.  She then wrote "just hoping for something good to happen to us!"....and I WANTED to write....'you just got married, went on a great honeymoon....maybe it is time that something great happened to other people for a change'.  Obviously you see the problem with posting that...and I was happy I even realized I shouldn't. 

On top of all of this, I have the house to myself this week...and I am barely enjoying it. 

And as I was writing this, I just got a phone call that one of my aunts isn't doing well. 

Tonight was the first night in months I cried.  I am starting to worry another depression is coming up.  Figures right? Just as I was doing so well, and then BAM so quickly.  I am ovulating, but I don't remember being this emotional the last few times.  Is it hormones or a funk? If a funk, how am I going to get out of it?  The solution is I need a break - I haven't really had a day off from work since the beginning of April.  But I really don't want to have to travel by myself, which means I won't...which means I either waste a day doing nothing OR not getting away.  Part two of my solution involves lust/love....and I don't know how to get that.

vacant

The last few months, I removed myself emotionally from anything sexual.  I thought I was getting the hang of the casual sex thing - even if it was very frequent.  But once I was asked about maybe taking it to the next level AND the fact that I didn't meet someone new I'd like to know more in September/October...I started to think 'why not?'. 

But then I started to wonder if he liked the chase more.  Was he more interested in me when I wasn't interested in him and vice versa?  A little immature for a 43 year old if that is the case...but I am not sure if I can justify it in my head any other reason.  But that seems to be a theme in my life.  It is like I have this huge tattoo on my head that reads sucker, take advantage of me.  Sure I haven't been with many men...but they all have done the same thing - felt sorry for my past situations, convinced me they were different, toyed with my head, told me wonderful sweet lies, and eventually ended up with the next person after me.  That cycle had to end.

So back to the why not.  I really started to think of the idea and was willing to give it a try.  But what happens again?  He has completely ignored me.  And of course, this is all I can think of...damn crushes. 

This is the reason why I tried to remain so emotionally vacant the last few months. 

I really need to meet my fh soon because I am so tired of all these stupid childish games men play.  And/or I really need to make better use of my time and really live up this single thing.  You  know how guys refer to themselves as bachelor's and it is supposed to be this amazing lifestyle?  So if the fh doesn't work out, then I need to find something equivalent to that for me.  Something that all those married people are jealous of - and not pity and feel sorry for me.

Man Friend Roller Coaster

Man Friend and I have been doing this friend thing for 10 months.  That is a long time considering.  I knew as soon as I got my first glimpse of him that something would happen between us.  During this time we have had way too many ups and downs - which steams from the timing of a year with a lot of personal issues going on. 

Back in February - April I really started liking this guy, and started wondering about what it would be like to spend more time with him and be in a relationship with him.  But he has had in incredibly tough year, and he pushed me away.  Because I don't want to be hurt (not that I think I can ever be more hurt that I was with SI), I followed Man Friend's lead and removed myself emotionally from our non-relationship.  He is conveniently located, a great kisser, and I find him very attractive most of the time.

But it is really hard to be emotionally distant and still see someone so often.   The whole thing has been very confusing for me.  I tried ending it twice because I am not getting what I want out of it...but I am a sucker for seduction and let it continue.  He tells me all the time how lucky he is that I am interested in him.

I have let Man Friend control everything.  He wants distance, I give him distance.  He wants more interaction, I give him more.  After a while of the 'more' he tells me I am too needy.  so I back up but then he tells me I am too distant.  I don't know why it is so hard to find something that is good for both of us.

Not only the time, it is what we do that he controls.  Most of the time we watch sports.  I am not a sports person, I've learned a lot this past year and I wouldn't mind if it was some sort of compromise.  I don't know if he has what I need from him...and as much as I wonder about maybe liking him, this is the one area that I am completely neglected.  But what I want goes hand in hand with a relationship.  I want someone to do things with - nothing crazy.  Enjoy the seasonable day outside going for a walk, a date to a wedding, a movie I want to watch, an outing at a festival, spending a day together, etc.

Sure, we've been to a few Yankee games - when I get tickets and invite him...but I did it because HE likes that, not me.  Last year we went holiday shopping together one day, and I enjoyed that.  Simple things.  I was hoping that since he had a really hard year, that when things got better, he might be more apt to wanting to leave his apartment.   Unfortunately, things haven't gotten too much better for him.

And of course, since I don't have a ton of money, I usually show a man that I am interested in them by cooking/baking for them.  I know he appreciates it, but I don't do it too often because I wonder if it is weird.

So last week when I told him I didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore, he was understanding.  He said he knows that I am not getting what I need.  I told him I went on a few dates, but nothing will transpire - and that I am attracted to him.  I just wish he was able to give a little more.  I am a bit of a homebody but there are times I want to do things. I don't think it is asking too much.  We see each other way  more than the casual sex encounter, we are drawn to each other physically, but since we are not in a relationship we keep our frequent encounters to short bursts of time.  But the day after I told him that I saw him again and I got the feeling back that I had in February and I couldn't wait to see him again...but when I did see him he was all funny/grumpy.

It may all be moot because he might be moving far away.  And I've thought about this a bunch in the last few days, and realized I would actually miss him.

This whole thing as been a learning experience for me.  After SI, I barely dated let alone anything 'serious'.  I didn't have a rebound relationship.  I just fooled around with people for experience and knowing it was  just 'fun'.  Man Friend has been something like a relationship - perhaps a very late rebound?  He has given me hope that there are still nice guys out there, some single people are attractive, and confirmation that I am good in bed.  All things I need going forward.

Open up

So I told the guy from the fire walk that I didn't want to pursue dating him.  I am not very good about ending it.

Me:  You seem really nice, but I am going to pass on another date
Him: Alright, see ya.  Next time opening up a little more.
Me: Thanks for the advice.

I started laughing when I read his line.  I didn't realize people provided feedback.  Sure, sometimes I am curious why things don't work out.  And I have my reason...but if he asked me, would I have really told him?  Probably not the real reason, maybe I would have lied and said something a little less hurtful, because what is the point in insulting someone?

I know that I didn't open up with him.  For some reason, he made me feel very uncomfortable.  I've been on a few dates, and for whatever reason...the two times we got together I was extremely uncomfortable.  Not my safety or anything...it was more like he thought it was fun to continue talking about something when he noticed I was uncomfortable with it and pushing my buttons.  I knew after the first date that nothing would transpire, but he didn't do or say anything that was horrible, I thought maybe it was just nerves so I agreed to a second date, just to see.  But that second date was really just to confirm all the thoughts I had from the first date.

The quest continues.