annoyance for not sharing feelings

During our last awkward encounter, ManFriend asked me why I never tell him I enjoy our time together in bed.  Was it that I did, after all we've been doing this almost 13 months, or was I desperate?

I didn't really give him an answer at that moment, aside from some cold, defensive thing like 'what makes you think I enjoy this'...yes bitchy I know.

But he deserves an answer, so I wrote him an email, since I can more coherently get my thoughts out with out being side tracked and with out interruption from him.

So, what did I share with him?  I was brutally honest.  I told him that my reason for not saying nice things to him was both that I am desperate, but that I've enjoyed it and I find him attractive most of the time.  But more importantly, casual sex is so freaking hard.  I never know how much is too much, how little is too little, finding that medium is hard.  When will he pull away?  Who is supposed to apologize first?  Does he really mean anything he whispers to me in bed anyway?  Why do we have so many issues when we aren't even dating?  I get nothing out of this, and sometimes I feel like a cheap whore-  no woman wants to feel that way.    If I said nice things to him in bed, am I admitting I like him - and if so, is that even allowed?  I go out of my way to do nice things for him, and I can't think of two things he's done to/for me....but I don't need to share that with you now, you've been reading this for months - and when I talk about ManFriend, I am usually venting on here.  I tried to end it a few times, but I am a sucker for seduction...but it will end in just a few short weeks, if not at our last awkward encounter and the reading of my email.

It served its purpose, it was convenient, and it lasted way longer than I thought it would.