vacant

The last few months, I removed myself emotionally from anything sexual.  I thought I was getting the hang of the casual sex thing - even if it was very frequent.  But once I was asked about maybe taking it to the next level AND the fact that I didn't meet someone new I'd like to know more in September/October...I started to think 'why not?'. 

But then I started to wonder if he liked the chase more.  Was he more interested in me when I wasn't interested in him and vice versa?  A little immature for a 43 year old if that is the case...but I am not sure if I can justify it in my head any other reason.  But that seems to be a theme in my life.  It is like I have this huge tattoo on my head that reads sucker, take advantage of me.  Sure I haven't been with many men...but they all have done the same thing - felt sorry for my past situations, convinced me they were different, toyed with my head, told me wonderful sweet lies, and eventually ended up with the next person after me.  That cycle had to end.

So back to the why not.  I really started to think of the idea and was willing to give it a try.  But what happens again?  He has completely ignored me.  And of course, this is all I can think of...damn crushes. 

This is the reason why I tried to remain so emotionally vacant the last few months. 

I really need to meet my fh soon because I am so tired of all these stupid childish games men play.  And/or I really need to make better use of my time and really live up this single thing.  You  know how guys refer to themselves as bachelor's and it is supposed to be this amazing lifestyle?  So if the fh doesn't work out, then I need to find something equivalent to that for me.  Something that all those married people are jealous of - and not pity and feel sorry for me.