I am shocking myself more and more these days. HSKs friend Skater Boy invited me to his house for a beer pong tournament. Actually, I was told about this a month or two ago, but since HSK and I aren't speaking - I didn't think I'd still be invited, but I was. I was a little nervous about this since I haven't seen some of these people in 15 years. So I decided to bake 10 dozen cookies, I made plans with some great people that live up in that direction for the afternoon - so I would HAVE to go to this party; no excuses.
Before I leave, I had a voicemail and it was HSK telling me that he heard I was going and he was happy about that. So, I get there and I have a beer and a sliver of a sandwich (the only food I ate there) right away. There weren't many people there yet so it helped me remember people's name. Skater Boy and I started 'warming up' with some practice beer pong with two others - we ended up playing I think 4 games. On the last practice game, I was getting tipsy and very enthusiastic. I kept running after the ball if it rolled (for a free throw behind the back) - but this time, I jumped on table, and my boobs broke the grate at the one end - and I sort of fell through a little and have quite a number of scratches on both of my arms. I needed a break after that, and then tournament was going to start in about 30 minutes or so anyway. During that time HSK and I had a small talk about whatever and it wasn't too awkward. I was teamed up with someone, we'll just call him J who was good - I played him during the practice. Unfortunately our first game went into overtime or whatever it was called, and we ended up loosing by one cup. Our second game I was starting to really fall behind and didn't get many so we lost that and then I was able to actually talk to some of the kids I went to high school with. For the most part, it was actually kind of nice to see some of them...they were the guys that I really enjoyed hanging out with in 9th/10th grade, and even seeing them again now I know why I was friends with them. Another few beers - and my partner J and I start kissing a bunch but then he passes out (based on texts I got Monday -he is now 'infatuated with me' and 'loves how I kiss' which doesn't surprise me...I am a great kisser). HSK, Skater Boy, me and this other girl then strip down and jump in a neighbor's pool, which was freezing. HSK starts making out with tattooed fake blond not so attractive girl, it was little hard to watch - but then Skater Boy came over and started kissing me (we dated for all of a week or two in high school). Back at the house I downed a water, kissed Skater Boy a little more. There is only about 10 of us left at about 5 am...OMG I was up for 24 hours! Not only did I shock myself about jumping in a neighbors pool, but I was up so late, and I kissed 2 different guys, oh, and I talked with a lot of 'strangers'. All things out of my comfort zone. I go to use the bathroom and then decide I needed to lay down. HSK was sleeping on the couch and I go and join him and we snuggle for those few hours. I barely slept with all his snoring and my belly that was like a tidal wave. I wake him up with some caresses and then go at 'it' for 10 minutes or so and then go back to sleep. It was a little 'thrilling' since there wasn't a door and someone could have walked past at anytime (and if it was Skater Boy I would have felt really bad).
The rest of my day was a little hard. At first I was queasy, I should have thrown up when I woke up, but I didn't. My 85 minute drive home was LONG. I had the windows down, music blasting and I was singing on the top of my lungs.
In 1999 I was 20, so I guess I can still party like it is 2000...since I was 'legal' then and I did have one crazy night where I kissed 3 guys in one night. I am happy to know I still have it in me, I just need the right people to bring it out. But no worries, this won't be a regular thing by any means, I don't have the stamina or the desire to drink that much or to be this sleep deprived.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Review - Brazillian Bikini Laser Hair Removal & Updates
I started my laser hair removal for my underarms, however, more recently I decided to start the laser procedures on my bikini area and decided to purchase the Brazilian package.
I have to say that this whole experience has been a learning experience for me since I really don't know much about the area 'down there'. I am deciding to share with you my experience just in case you ever find yourself where I was and need a little clarification or reassurance.
After I made the appointment over the phone, I also received a confirmation email, which I appreciate because I have to enter everything into my Gmail calendar since I tend to forget everything these days. I forgot to ask the lady about preparation...so I called back the next day and spoke to her about what I needed to do to prepare. The Brazilian is everything, but I wasn't ready to do that, so she instructed me to shave the area I want lasered the day before or the day of my appointment.
So, now it was time to decide my forever future. What did I want my 'down there' to look like in all the years to come? Nothing? A triangle? A landing strip? A heart? (just kidding, no way) How to decide? I spent a little time looking up imagines online and I asked a few men what their overall preference was. A decision was made.
But now for the hard part...to shave that region. I have never done this before, I only buzzed it. It would be a lot easier if I had someone to shave that area for me. Since I was a little worried about how long this was going to take, and since I was busy the day before my appointment, I did it 2 evenings before. I spent a lot of time with the shaving cream and the razor. I got it to look like what I thought, but I can't cut that straight so little by little more came off.
Unfortunately, the day of my appointment, my area was quite inflamed from the razor - and I even used a lot of shaving cream...I guess I need to replace my cartridge already. Anyway, it didn't hurt, but it didn't look pretty.
Next was to allow some lady to become very well acquainted with my area. When I got to the place, my aesthetician was very nice. She went over the 'basics' and told me about their machine, possible side effects, etc. I filled out two forms then we got down to business. She brought me into the room and gave me the option of using tiny disposable panties or not. I figured it would be easier without and if I am doing something out of my comfort zone, might as well go all the way. She gave me glasses to wear and applied the gel. She started up the laser and began from the outside in. You will feel some zapping and it may be a little uncomfortable until you get used to it. The brazillian removed everything (or as much as you want) - the whole front area, the thigh crease, and the butt trail, as opposed to a 'high bikini/full bikini' that is the basic bikini but a little wider on the top and sides, and the regular bikini is just the very basic bikini line. Anyway, getting back to my first session, I think the laser setting was somewhat lower because of my irritation, so it didn't zap me as much as my underarms did. Then I flipped over and it was over before I knew it. While exposed, I wondered why more people didn't get this done - waxing is way more painful. It doesn't hurt just feels a little tingly at times and once you get past the being exposed thing - it isn't so bad. Now having met my certified laser specialist and licensed aesthetician I feel a lot more comfortable for what to expect next time.
Perhaps the actual lasering took maybe 15 minutes? Maybe 10. I didn't look to see the time before we actually started, but I was there for 30 minutes and that was a lot of talking at the beginning.
I redressed and then got my tip ready. I am not sure how much to tip. I had a coupon but I was not sure what their original price is for that service, many other companies have it anywhere from $180 - $400 per session to $800 - over $2,000 or more for the package (usually 6 sessions in a package). I bought mine for significant less. I ended up giving her $25 thinking that I was uncomfortable and that the first time is more awkward - but that was like a 50% tip on one session. My next appointment is in 7 weeks since I am away week 6. I just need to be really careful not to tan that area too much - and be super careful in July right before my appointment.
I look forward to seeing the progression of less and less hair.
Updates: At each session, they raised the level of the laser. And I didn't tip that much again, usually somewhere between 5-10 each session, and a little more on the last session when I was "happy" with the results.
After session 1 I barely noticed any difference.
After session 2 I noticed some thinning. Also, shaving became easier and my body got used to it, so I didn't have to worry about razor burn again. I decided to start shaving more than my design to thin out that area later on - so for two -three sessions everything was being removed.
After session 3 I noticed that the hair coming through was very blotchy - a good sign.
At session 4, lady tells me I have a lot of hair follicles. I know this, since I can still see so much hair. Sure, it is thinning out a lot...but I am worried that it won't all be gone after session #6...and I will have to buy a few more sessions. I've also been more undecided about my end result, and at session 3 & 4 had more hair removed to 'thin' out what will remain.
After session 5, I noticed it is much thinner and somewhat blotchy. At this point I am more concerned with the hair that is still on my upper thigh, I thought that should have been virtually gone by now, but it is not. Knowing I only have one more treatment is stressing me out a little because I know I will need a few more. Remember laser hair removal is effective up to 80% of most cases, so having some hair left is normal, but I want even less hair.
After session 6, I will need more sessions. It is a lot less, but still way too much to say it got rid of 80%. But we are all different (my co worker is very happy after only 3 sessions). Of course I have to wait until another Groupon because I can't afford to pay full price.
Update: the laser for my underarms is going very well. I am not worried about having much hair left when I finish that treatment...I have been very very happy with those results. I had 6 treatments done and two touch ups. Amazingly happy. {I very rarely shave my underarms...once a month? LOVE IT}
Update 2: Since I was so happy with my underarms - I decided to start the laser hair removal on my face. I am very pleased with this as well. Both my underarms and face were done at the same place.
Update 3 (April 2012): After the completion of the first brazillian bikini area, I purchased a 'full bikini' groupon somewhere new. This place the machine was different - there was a cooling hose. This coupon was for the side of the bikini and the top. They did not do the upper thigh which I was a little upset about since you still see that in a swimsuit & panties. But I think I will be fine with the remaining inside hair, since it won't be too much and it should be fairly thin from the first treatment.
Update 4 (Nov. 2012):
a) I am still very pleased with my underarms, I only had the 8 sessions, so there is still a little hair, but it isn't bad. I will probably go in a year and get it a touch-up to clean it up a little more.
b) My bikini area is kind of a mess. I had a different package at a different place that was only $150. They used a machine with a cooling hose, so it numbs you a little bit when you are being lasered - this would be great for beginners ..but I am not sure if the machine is better or the same as others...so hard to know which are the best ones that give you longer results. Also, when there is a lot less hair, you will notice less zapping...another sign there are less hair follicles. Now my bikini area is a little more uneven, but overall after the 11 sessions I've had so far, it is extremely noticeably cleaner and the hair is taking about a month to grow back, which they tell me is a good sign. I have more hair in my leg crease then I'd like but I am still quite pleased, it makes my shaving when need be much easier; but I don't shave too often, no need. I'll probably get a touch-up or two in the fall to get those random hairs at the place that did my underarms/face - since I am the most happiest with them. But all in all - I am very pleased with it.
c) My face, I had 6 sessions. I did not shave my face before my sessions because the hair was thin and I didn't want stubble. After 2 months since the last session, the hair on my face is somewhat noticeable again up close, which makes me feel very uncomfortable - but nothing I am not new to. I may need to bleach it a little until I decide what to do. Electrolysis takes forever and is very painful, so I will probably end up with another laser package for my face, or more importantly my cheeks since I was very pleased during the treatment, I just can't stop new hair from growing in.
Update 5 (January 2013): I decided to do another round of laser on my face, at the same location as the first time. The lady was surprised - she doesn't think I'll need another 6 session, but I know I'll need at least 3 (and really the groupon prices are so good, that buying the 6 is cheaper than doing 3 at regular price). She is very understanding and allowing me to go 8-10 weeks before each session.
Update 6 (June 2013): I am SO happy with everything. The face is coming along really nice, and the hair coming in is so fine and sporadic. I had her touch up my underarms...which I haven't shaved since I started! This time of year with all the ladies wearing sleeveless shirts, I see a lot of black hair follicles that are shaved but there...and I look and I am so happy that isn't me anymore. My armpits are nice. Sure, I get some new hairs...but a touch up once or twice a year fixes that (or a quick shave) this was my first touch up since last year. I started my bikini yet again....but this time at the same place that I am really happy with. After one new treatment - I saw results and after 6 weeks such a noticeable difference - I know this time around will work :) My next appointment is in September - so I have the summer off in case I get tan & to give the hair time to come back in. I rave about laser hair removal...but my sisters and my mother are hesitant...and I look at them and I am so happy I don't have extra hair on my face, under my arms or my bikini area. I really wish I had before/after pictures to show you. The best $1,780 ($300 armpits, $300 face, $300 face, $300 brazilian bikini + $150 high bikini + $300 brazilian bikini + $130 touch-up package) + tips I've spent in a long time.
Update 7 (June 2014): I had my last bikini session this month. There were 6 in the package and it took a year to use them...that is averaging going once every other month, which gave the area time for the hair to grow before it was lasered, which is a good sign since I had quite a bit of treatments before. I don't have to worry about a last minute trip to the beach or an impromptu sleepover...it really looks great. When I look in the mirror it looks great, but I still trim the hair I left to make it cleaner. I had my last face treatment about two months ago - and I did have her touch up one spot in June. Hair will continue to grow, but for the most part the face looks terrific. And I heard that stress causes facial hair growth...and I have been amazingly stressed since December. As for the underarms...in the last year I had touch ups once or twice and only shaved twice when I had a work meeting that would have revealed my armpits and a few hairs. I think out of all three body parts I had done, the underarm was the fastest and longest lasting. After three years, I've gotten to know the two ladies really well, and it was hard to say goodbye (I am moving, but I will probably still go back there for my touch ups since I have minutes left).
Update 8 (January 2015): I had a touch-up in November for my underarms and my face. My underarms are still really amazing; I barely shave. There hasn't been much new growth, but there was some hair and I needed to use up my last few minutes because I moved out of the area. My face....will that ever be hairless? I doubt it. The little new hair growth seems like dark thick hair, but it is in a few sporadic places, so I've shaved it before dates or interviews. My bikini area hasn't had treatment since June 2014. I am happy to report that it made a difference. New hair growth is there, but it is thin and spread out; a quick shave fixes that if needed...but for the most part, I barely notice it. Eventually, once I get a job and my finances stabilize, I will look into future touch-ups. But I am still really happy.
I can't tell you how wonderful this has been. I never had any weird side effects. I never stayed to ice any areas. It was easy and addicting (as you can tell by the three year process).
Would I go again? Get more lasered? Yes, absolutely. I'd love to have my legs done at some point, and of course I'll need a few touch-ups here and there.
For those of you in Westchester, my FAVORITE laser place is Dare to be Bare.
I have to say that this whole experience has been a learning experience for me since I really don't know much about the area 'down there'. I am deciding to share with you my experience just in case you ever find yourself where I was and need a little clarification or reassurance.
After I made the appointment over the phone, I also received a confirmation email, which I appreciate because I have to enter everything into my Gmail calendar since I tend to forget everything these days. I forgot to ask the lady about preparation...so I called back the next day and spoke to her about what I needed to do to prepare. The Brazilian is everything, but I wasn't ready to do that, so she instructed me to shave the area I want lasered the day before or the day of my appointment.
So, now it was time to decide my forever future. What did I want my 'down there' to look like in all the years to come? Nothing? A triangle? A landing strip? A heart? (just kidding, no way) How to decide? I spent a little time looking up imagines online and I asked a few men what their overall preference was. A decision was made.
But now for the hard part...to shave that region. I have never done this before, I only buzzed it. It would be a lot easier if I had someone to shave that area for me. Since I was a little worried about how long this was going to take, and since I was busy the day before my appointment, I did it 2 evenings before. I spent a lot of time with the shaving cream and the razor. I got it to look like what I thought, but I can't cut that straight so little by little more came off.
Unfortunately, the day of my appointment, my area was quite inflamed from the razor - and I even used a lot of shaving cream...I guess I need to replace my cartridge already. Anyway, it didn't hurt, but it didn't look pretty.
Next was to allow some lady to become very well acquainted with my area. When I got to the place, my aesthetician was very nice. She went over the 'basics' and told me about their machine, possible side effects, etc. I filled out two forms then we got down to business. She brought me into the room and gave me the option of using tiny disposable panties or not. I figured it would be easier without and if I am doing something out of my comfort zone, might as well go all the way. She gave me glasses to wear and applied the gel. She started up the laser and began from the outside in. You will feel some zapping and it may be a little uncomfortable until you get used to it. The brazillian removed everything (or as much as you want) - the whole front area, the thigh crease, and the butt trail, as opposed to a 'high bikini/full bikini' that is the basic bikini but a little wider on the top and sides, and the regular bikini is just the very basic bikini line. Anyway, getting back to my first session, I think the laser setting was somewhat lower because of my irritation, so it didn't zap me as much as my underarms did. Then I flipped over and it was over before I knew it. While exposed, I wondered why more people didn't get this done - waxing is way more painful. It doesn't hurt just feels a little tingly at times and once you get past the being exposed thing - it isn't so bad. Now having met my certified laser specialist and licensed aesthetician I feel a lot more comfortable for what to expect next time.
Perhaps the actual lasering took maybe 15 minutes? Maybe 10. I didn't look to see the time before we actually started, but I was there for 30 minutes and that was a lot of talking at the beginning.
I redressed and then got my tip ready. I am not sure how much to tip. I had a coupon but I was not sure what their original price is for that service, many other companies have it anywhere from $180 - $400 per session to $800 - over $2,000 or more for the package (usually 6 sessions in a package). I bought mine for significant less. I ended up giving her $25 thinking that I was uncomfortable and that the first time is more awkward - but that was like a 50% tip on one session. My next appointment is in 7 weeks since I am away week 6. I just need to be really careful not to tan that area too much - and be super careful in July right before my appointment.
I look forward to seeing the progression of less and less hair.
Updates: At each session, they raised the level of the laser. And I didn't tip that much again, usually somewhere between 5-10 each session, and a little more on the last session when I was "happy" with the results.
After session 1 I barely noticed any difference.
After session 2 I noticed some thinning. Also, shaving became easier and my body got used to it, so I didn't have to worry about razor burn again. I decided to start shaving more than my design to thin out that area later on - so for two -three sessions everything was being removed.
After session 3 I noticed that the hair coming through was very blotchy - a good sign.
At session 4, lady tells me I have a lot of hair follicles. I know this, since I can still see so much hair. Sure, it is thinning out a lot...but I am worried that it won't all be gone after session #6...and I will have to buy a few more sessions. I've also been more undecided about my end result, and at session 3 & 4 had more hair removed to 'thin' out what will remain.
After session 5, I noticed it is much thinner and somewhat blotchy. At this point I am more concerned with the hair that is still on my upper thigh, I thought that should have been virtually gone by now, but it is not. Knowing I only have one more treatment is stressing me out a little because I know I will need a few more. Remember laser hair removal is effective up to 80% of most cases, so having some hair left is normal, but I want even less hair.
After session 6, I will need more sessions. It is a lot less, but still way too much to say it got rid of 80%. But we are all different (my co worker is very happy after only 3 sessions). Of course I have to wait until another Groupon because I can't afford to pay full price.
Update: the laser for my underarms is going very well. I am not worried about having much hair left when I finish that treatment...I have been very very happy with those results. I had 6 treatments done and two touch ups. Amazingly happy. {I very rarely shave my underarms...once a month? LOVE IT}
Update 2: Since I was so happy with my underarms - I decided to start the laser hair removal on my face. I am very pleased with this as well. Both my underarms and face were done at the same place.
Update 3 (April 2012): After the completion of the first brazillian bikini area, I purchased a 'full bikini' groupon somewhere new. This place the machine was different - there was a cooling hose. This coupon was for the side of the bikini and the top. They did not do the upper thigh which I was a little upset about since you still see that in a swimsuit & panties. But I think I will be fine with the remaining inside hair, since it won't be too much and it should be fairly thin from the first treatment.
Update 4 (Nov. 2012):
a) I am still very pleased with my underarms, I only had the 8 sessions, so there is still a little hair, but it isn't bad. I will probably go in a year and get it a touch-up to clean it up a little more.
b) My bikini area is kind of a mess. I had a different package at a different place that was only $150. They used a machine with a cooling hose, so it numbs you a little bit when you are being lasered - this would be great for beginners ..but I am not sure if the machine is better or the same as others...so hard to know which are the best ones that give you longer results. Also, when there is a lot less hair, you will notice less zapping...another sign there are less hair follicles. Now my bikini area is a little more uneven, but overall after the 11 sessions I've had so far, it is extremely noticeably cleaner and the hair is taking about a month to grow back, which they tell me is a good sign. I have more hair in my leg crease then I'd like but I am still quite pleased, it makes my shaving when need be much easier; but I don't shave too often, no need. I'll probably get a touch-up or two in the fall to get those random hairs at the place that did my underarms/face - since I am the most happiest with them. But all in all - I am very pleased with it.
c) My face, I had 6 sessions. I did not shave my face before my sessions because the hair was thin and I didn't want stubble. After 2 months since the last session, the hair on my face is somewhat noticeable again up close, which makes me feel very uncomfortable - but nothing I am not new to. I may need to bleach it a little until I decide what to do. Electrolysis takes forever and is very painful, so I will probably end up with another laser package for my face, or more importantly my cheeks since I was very pleased during the treatment, I just can't stop new hair from growing in.
Update 5 (January 2013): I decided to do another round of laser on my face, at the same location as the first time. The lady was surprised - she doesn't think I'll need another 6 session, but I know I'll need at least 3 (and really the groupon prices are so good, that buying the 6 is cheaper than doing 3 at regular price). She is very understanding and allowing me to go 8-10 weeks before each session.
Update 6 (June 2013): I am SO happy with everything. The face is coming along really nice, and the hair coming in is so fine and sporadic. I had her touch up my underarms...which I haven't shaved since I started! This time of year with all the ladies wearing sleeveless shirts, I see a lot of black hair follicles that are shaved but there...and I look and I am so happy that isn't me anymore. My armpits are nice. Sure, I get some new hairs...but a touch up once or twice a year fixes that (or a quick shave) this was my first touch up since last year. I started my bikini yet again....but this time at the same place that I am really happy with. After one new treatment - I saw results and after 6 weeks such a noticeable difference - I know this time around will work :) My next appointment is in September - so I have the summer off in case I get tan & to give the hair time to come back in. I rave about laser hair removal...but my sisters and my mother are hesitant...and I look at them and I am so happy I don't have extra hair on my face, under my arms or my bikini area. I really wish I had before/after pictures to show you. The best $1,780 ($300 armpits, $300 face, $300 face, $300 brazilian bikini + $150 high bikini + $300 brazilian bikini + $130 touch-up package) + tips I've spent in a long time.
Update 7 (June 2014): I had my last bikini session this month. There were 6 in the package and it took a year to use them...that is averaging going once every other month, which gave the area time for the hair to grow before it was lasered, which is a good sign since I had quite a bit of treatments before. I don't have to worry about a last minute trip to the beach or an impromptu sleepover...it really looks great. When I look in the mirror it looks great, but I still trim the hair I left to make it cleaner. I had my last face treatment about two months ago - and I did have her touch up one spot in June. Hair will continue to grow, but for the most part the face looks terrific. And I heard that stress causes facial hair growth...and I have been amazingly stressed since December. As for the underarms...in the last year I had touch ups once or twice and only shaved twice when I had a work meeting that would have revealed my armpits and a few hairs. I think out of all three body parts I had done, the underarm was the fastest and longest lasting. After three years, I've gotten to know the two ladies really well, and it was hard to say goodbye (I am moving, but I will probably still go back there for my touch ups since I have minutes left).
Update 8 (January 2015): I had a touch-up in November for my underarms and my face. My underarms are still really amazing; I barely shave. There hasn't been much new growth, but there was some hair and I needed to use up my last few minutes because I moved out of the area. My face....will that ever be hairless? I doubt it. The little new hair growth seems like dark thick hair, but it is in a few sporadic places, so I've shaved it before dates or interviews. My bikini area hasn't had treatment since June 2014. I am happy to report that it made a difference. New hair growth is there, but it is thin and spread out; a quick shave fixes that if needed...but for the most part, I barely notice it. Eventually, once I get a job and my finances stabilize, I will look into future touch-ups. But I am still really happy.
I can't tell you how wonderful this has been. I never had any weird side effects. I never stayed to ice any areas. It was easy and addicting (as you can tell by the three year process).
Would I go again? Get more lasered? Yes, absolutely. I'd love to have my legs done at some point, and of course I'll need a few touch-ups here and there.
For those of you in Westchester, my FAVORITE laser place is Dare to be Bare.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Judgment day rescheduled
Well, dear readers, we are still here. Harold Camping wrongly predicted Judgement day again this past weekend. Last week when I found out about Judgement Day from my Facebook feed, I looked it up and read a few websites. Sure, anything can be made to sound good and you can find mathematical connections in almost anything.
However, I had two major problems. I thought I was so smart, finding a loop hole in his reasoning...leap year. However, when I googled leap year, I learned that Julius Caesar developed the Julian Calendar which became effective in 45 BC distributing an extra 10 days throughout the year. This calendar was revised and added a day in February in years that are divisible by 4, except for years divisible by 100 that do not leave a remainder of 200, 600 when divisible by 900. Anyway - there went my disproving Harold Camping.
The second was what about all the other religions that do not believe in God? Why would they be banished with us sinners? And how come the church wasn't saying anything about it?
I started to also think about all the people that have spent so much money making underground bunkers and stocking up for the end. First, if the world was going to explode in a few months - that would include all those bunkers dissolving too. Second, would you want to live alone on this world if you did survive? What about all your friends? Can you go through life alone - how do you repopulate the world? What do you do when you run out of supplies? It is like that movie Will Smith was in, but worse since Earth would be virtually destroyed.
Did I think judgment day was the beginning of the end of the world? Not so much - see, I have a destiny. I am supposed to marry and have 2 kids. I can't do that in the next 5 months...so yeah, I thought I'd still be around.
So, let's take a moment and appreciate that we are here, living a life. Let's be grateful for what we have and enjoy each and every day.
However, I had two major problems. I thought I was so smart, finding a loop hole in his reasoning...leap year. However, when I googled leap year, I learned that Julius Caesar developed the Julian Calendar which became effective in 45 BC distributing an extra 10 days throughout the year. This calendar was revised and added a day in February in years that are divisible by 4, except for years divisible by 100 that do not leave a remainder of 200, 600 when divisible by 900. Anyway - there went my disproving Harold Camping.
The second was what about all the other religions that do not believe in God? Why would they be banished with us sinners? And how come the church wasn't saying anything about it?
I started to also think about all the people that have spent so much money making underground bunkers and stocking up for the end. First, if the world was going to explode in a few months - that would include all those bunkers dissolving too. Second, would you want to live alone on this world if you did survive? What about all your friends? Can you go through life alone - how do you repopulate the world? What do you do when you run out of supplies? It is like that movie Will Smith was in, but worse since Earth would be virtually destroyed.
Did I think judgment day was the beginning of the end of the world? Not so much - see, I have a destiny. I am supposed to marry and have 2 kids. I can't do that in the next 5 months...so yeah, I thought I'd still be around.
So, let's take a moment and appreciate that we are here, living a life. Let's be grateful for what we have and enjoy each and every day.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Say 'Cheese'
My old-school phone only holds fifty pictures. There are so many times, that I need to take a picture, but run out of room. I take a few moments and try to figure out what picture I can delete to make room...but most of the time, I struggle with this decision.
Most of my pictures on my phone are of ME. And well, you know how it goes, I just look way to good in the picture to delete it. The other pictures are either ones that I may use for my blog or ones of something I need from the store (ie-replacement light bulbs from my fan because I am constantly buying the wrong ones).
The funny part is- I do email most of the pictures to myself so I can save them...but you know...sometimes you want to send the same picture over and over again and it is just easier to send something you have then to re-take another picture.
There have been a few times I tried to upload the pictures to snapfish and then have them printed, but the resolution is so poor that they come out blurry. It isn't really an option to use cell phone camera as a real camera, but sometimes it is just handy and sometimes you are just emailing pictures to other people or using the electronic version for blogs/facebook/emails.
Maybe it is time to upgrade my phone. But I won't until this one dies.
Most of my pictures on my phone are of ME. And well, you know how it goes, I just look way to good in the picture to delete it. The other pictures are either ones that I may use for my blog or ones of something I need from the store (ie-replacement light bulbs from my fan because I am constantly buying the wrong ones).
The funny part is- I do email most of the pictures to myself so I can save them...but you know...sometimes you want to send the same picture over and over again and it is just easier to send something you have then to re-take another picture.
There have been a few times I tried to upload the pictures to snapfish and then have them printed, but the resolution is so poor that they come out blurry. It isn't really an option to use cell phone camera as a real camera, but sometimes it is just handy and sometimes you are just emailing pictures to other people or using the electronic version for blogs/facebook/emails.
Maybe it is time to upgrade my phone. But I won't until this one dies.
Friday, May 20, 2011
My tea leaf reading
I've been to a few psychics - and I take what they say with a grain of salt - it is more a type of entertainment than me sitting there waiting for it all to happen. I try to write down what they say and then I keep it in a 'safe' place and I look back months/years later and read what they said to see if any of it actually happened. Sometimes they have been so right, other times they have been really off. My first experience was with a tea leaf reader named Vickie who lived in the Bronx. It was quite remarkable with how much she was able to tell me based on those little leaves: the nickname for my soon to be boyfriend (SI), that I would have two marriages (one nontraditional, one traditional), that I would have two children, that I would take some classes, etc. Unfortunately I lost her number and didn't know her last name so I was never able to locate her again.
After that the next person I saw did tarot cards. I saw her right after mine & SI's breakup when I was hoping to be reassured my life would be better. She wasn't bad - but I don't really think much of what she said ended up happening for me. My mother on the other hand said she was dead-on. Around this time I also went with a friend to some really old Spanish lady who read regular cards. She was nice and told me I needed to do a cleanse of some sort to rid myself of the past and bring better things to me. I never heard of the ingredients for this bath, so I didn't do it.
Next I had tarot cards read again a few months ago, I briefly blogged about that. She wasn't great, I felt it was very general. But do think she was right about wanting to see someone more than what I was able to. HSK lived an hour away and I would have liked to see him a bit more...although she told me to be patient and that things would work out...which, clearly they did not. I can't say I had to make a choice between anyone, unless she was referring to Bank Boy...which of course, he never had a shot.
Which brings me to last night. My mom's hairdresser told her about this bar in Yonkers right across from the Yonker's Raceway/Casino called Katie's Cottage that has a tea leaf reader on Tuesdays & Thursdays named Roisin (there are other ladies there on Monday & Wednesday) - reservations are required. For $50 you get the $40 reading and an entree. When we sat we ordered our food and a cup of tea was brought out to us.
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| my tea leaves before the cup was spun |
Unfortunately it was not decaf, so the lady brought me over a cup to pour my tea into and told me I really should drink some of it; so I did. When it was my turn, she brought me into a small room in the back. The heat was cranking and I wished I brought a glass of water back there. She inverted my mug onto a saucer and told me to spin it clockwise and think happy thoughts. She peered inside and came straight to the point asking about the man in my life...to which I replied...I don't have one; which of course she knew and asked why that was. I could only say that people don't talk to me, and I don't know how to meet anyone. Then she asked about my job and if we were moving- close..we are renovating the office and my office will be moving down the hall. My 15 minute reading had these as major points:
- I have fantastic health
- I need to control my hormones
- I will have a new job in Manhattan
- 3 weeks into that job I will meet a man, I think I recognize him, but I don't (as in I never met him before). A week after that he comes around and we start dating.
- I will have a small winter wedding in Colorado or a place with mountains in the background. It might not be winter, but the tops of the mountains have some snow on it. Only 30-40 people are in attendance. I am wearing a simple but elegant ivory or slightly pale pink dress. Nothing over the top big, lacy, or what we now see so many people wearing on their weddings. The music is classy
- I am very fertile. She cautioned me a few times to use protection.
- I will have two children; a boy and a girl. They will be about 18 months apart and will be healthy.
I am embarrassed to admit I started crying during my reading. All I have ever wanted and is a major goal for me, is to find love. To be loved. Even though in the past these psychics or readers kept telling me that I'll be married or have kids...it has been almost FIVE years since SI & I broke up and I have not had one relationship since then. I started to worry last year that if I chose to have children, that I would be a single mother...and too poor to really give my child/ren a decent life. I was overcome with a type of joy thinking - it is still possible and I could not control my tears. Additionally, I was shocked that I am quite fertile; as you know if you've been reading - I have feared for many years that I was not and chose a ob/gyn that specializes in infertility. I have preformed the string test numerous times...and the results usually told me that I would have a boy pregnancy followed by a girl pregnancy - but these are pregnancies and not all pregnancies result in actual children - so I was happy to hear that the sting test is fairly accurate (although I will know for sure once I have children) and was not at all surprised when she told me about my two kids.
She didn't get into if I will like my next job, if I will be a stay at home mother, what my future husband will look like, if we will be financially 'secure' by my definition, or even the time frame for this to happen. But if I had all the answers, then it wouldn't be any 'fun' to live life. I just hope she is right. I need for there to be some sort of happiness on my end soon since my patience is running out.
I got home around 10:30pm and didn't fall asleep until after 1am. I am not sure if it was the little bit of caffeine I drank in the tea or thinking about my future husband; but something prevented me from sleeping. I would recommend this place as a fun thing to do with friends or family...or even on your own. I will definitely go back.
Take 2: My second time October 11, 2011 read about it here.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
My tonsil
I had this weird growth in the rear of my mouth. When I called my ENT to make an appointment he was all full and I have a 9am appointment on Tuesday- where I can't guarantee that I will still be unwell. So I called my primary care physician and he was full too but was able to sneak me in at 1pm.
Why is it that the days you are 'sick' and want to see a doctor that you can't get an appointment that same day? Isn't one of the major points of a doctor's office to see patients when they are sick that same day? Not just routine follow-ups. What is the point of going 4 days later when the symptoms are not there anymore or are worse or better?
My doc was cool about it and since it turned out to be 'nothing' I felt bad this time. I don't generally go to the doctor for no reason...so I did have a good reason - something looked really wrong/strange.
Doctor told me that it appeared that part of my tonsil was inflamed. Strange since I had my tonsils removed when I was five years old. It is gross looking - it looks like a small bean shape that is slightly 3D looking from whatever it is connected to. It is an uncomfortable feeling and it hurt slightly when I swallowed on Tuesday, but other than that I seem normal - aside from my ears feeling 'cloudy'.
Why is it that the days you are 'sick' and want to see a doctor that you can't get an appointment that same day? Isn't one of the major points of a doctor's office to see patients when they are sick that same day? Not just routine follow-ups. What is the point of going 4 days later when the symptoms are not there anymore or are worse or better?
My doc was cool about it and since it turned out to be 'nothing' I felt bad this time. I don't generally go to the doctor for no reason...so I did have a good reason - something looked really wrong/strange.
Doctor told me that it appeared that part of my tonsil was inflamed. Strange since I had my tonsils removed when I was five years old. It is gross looking - it looks like a small bean shape that is slightly 3D looking from whatever it is connected to. It is an uncomfortable feeling and it hurt slightly when I swallowed on Tuesday, but other than that I seem normal - aside from my ears feeling 'cloudy'.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Leak
So I was in New Orleans over the weekend and there was lot of talk about the rising Mississippi River. I heard a few store employees say that if it floods they were leaving and never coming back. My flight was cancelled and I had to stay down there for another day, which was great since I got a bit more free time to look around.
And I got home in just the right time. Tuesday morning, the heavy downpour made me want to keep sleeping, but I was worried that my window was open too much that a little rain was coming in but to my surprise, most of the rain wasn't coming in through the screen it was coming in through the cracks above my window.
There was water all over my hardwood floors and bouncing all over the sill and air conditioner unit. I used a bunch of towels but it wasn't enough. I told work I'd have to work from home because I couldn't leave this leaking all over the place. I constructed this garbage bag system because I couldn't catch the water bouncing off the window with Tupperware/cups. So, my garbage bags now filter the water into cups that I have to dump about every ten - fifteen minutes or when it isn't down pouring maybe once every 30 minutes.
but then the leak starting spreading even more and I had to add another bag....
One of the reasons I live in a condo is so that I don't have to worry about repairs and problems...but I guess you just can't escape that! I sent an email to the management company to have them come and check it out.
It turns out that there was a blockage in the gutter - so once that was removed the incoming water started to slow down, thank goodness! My whole window encasement will need to be replaced. Unfortunately it is supposed to rain all week, so that work won't be done for a while.
And I got home in just the right time. Tuesday morning, the heavy downpour made me want to keep sleeping, but I was worried that my window was open too much that a little rain was coming in but to my surprise, most of the rain wasn't coming in through the screen it was coming in through the cracks above my window.
There was water all over my hardwood floors and bouncing all over the sill and air conditioner unit. I used a bunch of towels but it wasn't enough. I told work I'd have to work from home because I couldn't leave this leaking all over the place. I constructed this garbage bag system because I couldn't catch the water bouncing off the window with Tupperware/cups. So, my garbage bags now filter the water into cups that I have to dump about every ten - fifteen minutes or when it isn't down pouring maybe once every 30 minutes.
It turns out that there was a blockage in the gutter - so once that was removed the incoming water started to slow down, thank goodness! My whole window encasement will need to be replaced. Unfortunately it is supposed to rain all week, so that work won't be done for a while.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Big Easy
Hey Readers. Were you wondering what happened to me? On Friday I headed down to New Orleans for work. I packed so light for this short trip. I had one casual outfit (jeans and a black top) and two outfits for work. I got all this in a really small over the shoulder carry on that is actually smaller than my purse/bag. I made sure to get there early so I had a few hours to myself before I had to work. I stayed at the Marriott New Orleans on Canal which was a great location.
The only thing I did to prepare for this quick trip was to do a walking tour of the French Quarter that I found online from Frommers. The afternoon started nice but turned to a thunderstorm with times of down pouring. Knowing that it would be scattered thunderstorms, I did pack an umbrella, but left it in my room since I ran out of there so quickly to enjoy the city. I continued on my self-guided tour but stopped for lunch when I was drenched. The tour took most of the same route that the trolley tours do.
The first thing I ate was a chocolate croissant from Croissant D'Or which was tasty. When I stopped for lunch, I went to the Old Coffee Pot. The atmosphere was nice but the service was unbelievably slow. Since it was raining quite hard, I couldn't eat in courtyard. I ordered Seafood Gumbo to warm up and went with a classic Catfish Po-Boy. The Gumbo was so delicious with a hint of spice. The po-boy was interesting, it was the first time I had catfish, which was surprisingly light and not 'fishy'. The sandwich itself was really hard to eat - it was way to fat with the fried fish pieces and the lettuce and the big bread. I put on some 'Lousiana Hot Sauce' and took a bite or two but it was just too difficult for my small mouth so I ended up just eating the catfish with a fork and knife.
After lunch I continued the tour and walked to the French Market. On the way back towards the hotel, I stopped at Cafe du Monde for some beignets. These fried dough creations were good - but honestly, I have had the Italian pizza-fritta/zeppole so I am glad I indulged but I wasn't 'shocked' with it.
Leaving the Cafe du Monde, I ran into one of my clients and we looked at the riverfront and then went to Bourbon Street to walk around and listen to some music for the next 90 minutes before we had to get ready for dinner.Dinner we had as a group at Crescent City Steaks on North Broad Street. Honestly the steak was not amazing, but it could be that I don't eat a lot of steak these days. This was the first time I saw all my clients since the last meeting, and they all loved my hair.
Saturday I was with my clients all day. The hotel restaurant had a nice breakfast buffet. There I tried a blintz for the first time. Dinner we went to Clancy's which was about 18 minutes from the hotel. This small restaurant was cozy and had a decent Creole menu. I ordered the stuffed shrimp and the half order of lobster and mushroom risotto. I don't have pictures since I was with my clients - but the stuffed shrimp were AWESOME. The risotto was also quite delicious. Everyone else's food looked really good. After dinner, I walked around Bourbon Street with a client and his son to see the nightlife. The Bourbon Street nightlife was quite different than during the afternoon. I can't imagine Mardi Grais, this was enough for me!
Sunday I woke up early, put my casual outfit back, checked out and left my small bag with the bellhop to take the trolley to the Garden District. Unfortunately I did not realize that there were more than one trolley, and so I took the Canal Street trolley to Cemetery. On this ride, I got a call from Delta that my flight was cancelled and rescheduled for Monday. The driver of the trolley was nice and while we were waiting to turn around, he gave me a transfer for an additional $0.25 and told me about BBQ shrimp. Once we got back downtown, I took the St. Charles trolley to the Garden District and did another Frommer's walking tour. I absolutely loved this area and the houses. After the tour I took the trolley further north to see the colleges and whatever else was up there.
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| BBQ Shrimp at Desire |
I was famished having only had a whole wheat cranberry scone and no beverages all day, so I stopped at Desire for that BBQ shirmp (jumbo shrimp sautéed in garlic, rosemary & lemons in a rich worcestershire sauce, with garlic bread) the trolley driver talked about. This was my favorite food I had while I was in New Orleans
After the morning I headed back to the hotel and got another room for the night and took an hour break. I
took the free ferry to Algiers and then just walked around the outer paths in both directions of the ferry terminal. I wish I stopped to ask the concierge what there was to do on that side of the river...but since I wasn't really planning on having all this extra free time, I was unprepared.
took the free ferry to Algiers and then just walked around the outer paths in both directions of the ferry terminal. I wish I stopped to ask the concierge what there was to do on that side of the river...but since I wasn't really planning on having all this extra free time, I was unprepared. I was quite exhausted from my day but decided I couldn't leave New Orleans without having a drink on Bourbon Street. I have never been to a bar by myself so I was a bit nervous about this, but it had to be done. It was only about 6pm so I walked along the road until I found one that I liked the music so I went in for a 2 for 1 deal. I got 2 Miller Lite's for $5.75. I sat at a table and listed to this kid - it wasn't what I thought from outside...he was just killing time until the band got there, but it was a bit entertaining. He sang a few songs but really talked to us. He had a thing for me, kept picking on "New York" and dedicated a few songs to me. He wanted me to participate in his show by giving me a lap dance but I said I wasn't comfortable with that, I was only on beer #2. When his gig was over he came over and asked me to go to his next bar when he did the same thing (I didn't). When the band finally started playing I enjoyed their laid back style, but it wasn't enough to keep me there after I was done with my second beer so I headed out.
I
then stopped at --- and had another 2 Miller Lite's this time my bill was $6.50. Unfortunately I was only at this bar for 3 songs before the band was done, but they were really good for the three songs I heard. I poured my fourth beer in a plastic cup and hit Bourbon Street. I next stopped at the Cat's Meow for some Karaoke which was surprisingly good then headed out to another bar, Fat Catz, that I really enjoyed. They played a bit of Elton John, Billy Joel, Journey, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeplin, etc. I finally finished that fourth beer and decided I needed some food from drinking four beers in 2 hours.
then stopped at --- and had another 2 Miller Lite's this time my bill was $6.50. Unfortunately I was only at this bar for 3 songs before the band was done, but they were really good for the three songs I heard. I poured my fourth beer in a plastic cup and hit Bourbon Street. I next stopped at the Cat's Meow for some Karaoke which was surprisingly good then headed out to another bar, Fat Catz, that I really enjoyed. They played a bit of Elton John, Billy Joel, Journey, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeplin, etc. I finally finished that fourth beer and decided I needed some food from drinking four beers in 2 hours. So I wound up in La Bayou and had some corn & crab chowder and I tried blackened shrimp with fried green tomatoes and grits. Both items were really good. I really wanted to go to the Howl at the Moon since I had a great time there in Chicago - and they weren't open when I first got there. While there was no cover charge - there was a drink minimum and I felt I didn't want anymore...so I just left and went to the Hotel at 10:30 to hit the sac for my early flight in the morning. I would have stayed out later if there was someone else there.
Lesson learned: don't pack so frugally. I don't know why I didn't use a regular wheeled carry on, but really it was 2 1/2 days. I am impressed that I was able to pack so light, but I ended up wearing my casual outfit THREE LONG days with the flight cancellation. I can't imagine if the clothes smelt - I tried to air them out and put lotion on...but still.
New Orleans was a lot of fun and I would love to go back and enjoy the music but with my beau.
You always remember your first love, right?
Speaking of having someone else in New Orleans, for some reason I kept thinking of SI. I know that is so wrong...but I thought he would be a really nice person to be there with. I remember we enjoyed live music, casual environments and well, we never really drank together but now that I am drinking again...
Sometimes I don't think of SI at all, but for whatever reason the last month I've thought about him quite a bit :( and wonder if he ever thinks of me. At times I am so tempted to email him and tell him that if he is single, does not have a child/ren and if he thought we were great together...that I am not opposed to try to date him from the beginning....as in, pretend we don't have a past - start as if we just met since every time we saw each other in the last 3 years it was quite horrible since there was that weird feeling of being too in between. I know we've both 'changed' but I am still me just a little different, and I am sure he still has all those qualities that I loved somewhere underneath all the drama/hurt. Maybe it is because I still haven't met anyone 'worth it' and everyone has issues so why not just deal with his? I just remember how much I loved the first 2 years with him...the way he covered his mouth when he laughed, his ~5 different smiles, the way he dressed, his support and that he killed my bugs (hahaha - but seriously that is important and I've met a guy that was scared of bugs) among so many other things.
I guess there is no way to escape thinking about him...I mean, you always remember your first love, right? And if that is all it is...just memories, then it isn't so bad. I have learned in the last few months that it IS possible to put him aside and move on...so that is good, but when there is no one else to 'distract' me...then I worry that I will always wonder what our life would have been like and since it was truly the only life I wanted, I think I will always think about what I am missing out on. And I think about the woman that is/will be with him and has the life I wanted with him, and that still makes me sad.
Sometimes I don't think of SI at all, but for whatever reason the last month I've thought about him quite a bit :( and wonder if he ever thinks of me. At times I am so tempted to email him and tell him that if he is single, does not have a child/ren and if he thought we were great together...that I am not opposed to try to date him from the beginning....as in, pretend we don't have a past - start as if we just met since every time we saw each other in the last 3 years it was quite horrible since there was that weird feeling of being too in between. I know we've both 'changed' but I am still me just a little different, and I am sure he still has all those qualities that I loved somewhere underneath all the drama/hurt. Maybe it is because I still haven't met anyone 'worth it' and everyone has issues so why not just deal with his? I just remember how much I loved the first 2 years with him...the way he covered his mouth when he laughed, his ~5 different smiles, the way he dressed, his support and that he killed my bugs (hahaha - but seriously that is important and I've met a guy that was scared of bugs) among so many other things.
I guess there is no way to escape thinking about him...I mean, you always remember your first love, right? And if that is all it is...just memories, then it isn't so bad. I have learned in the last few months that it IS possible to put him aside and move on...so that is good, but when there is no one else to 'distract' me...then I worry that I will always wonder what our life would have been like and since it was truly the only life I wanted, I think I will always think about what I am missing out on. And I think about the woman that is/will be with him and has the life I wanted with him, and that still makes me sad.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Vanity
I am not conceited and I don't think the world revolves around me. Additionally I don't really consider myself a vain person - I don't think I am 'hot' or 'amazing' or that people should be 'lucky' just to know me.
Years ago, I was very plain and I didn't believe in spending a lot of money on my look. It could be that I didn't have a lot of money to spend...if there was excess money, I probably would have dressed nicer or put more effort into what I looked like. I don't think I was ugly, just a bit more everyday plain. The only thing I did spend some money on was hair removal both electrolysis on my lip when I was 16-18 and laser hair removal on my face when I was about 20.
Somewhere along the line my everyday plain look became a big problem for me. See, the man I loved told me that I didn't put effort into what I looked like and that he was no longer attracted to me. Of course, this is for good reason, he'd have to look at me. But he was initially attracted to the plain everyday me so all of a sudden I was caught off guard. I tried a few things like a high maintenance hair cut and started waxing my eyebrows and occasionally a bikini wax in the summer - or was that after him? I walked on a treadmill for an hour everyday, and even though I did gain weight from all our eating out...he forgot he did too. I finally got a 'grown up' job and bought some nice work clothes including skirts. But it was all too late so this vanity issue has been an issue for me because I want to make sure it doesn't happen again. I don't want to loose someone [again] over my bitten nails, because I like flat shoes or because I gained a few pounds. If I slip, I want correct it together with the help/support of my beau.
When I was down in the dumps for the last few years, people kept telling me if I put more of an effort into how I looked, then I would meet someone new and more people would talk to me. They also told me if I stopped trying to met someone - I would. Well let me tell all you people that didn't happen. I was heartbroken and I let myself go - I stopped wearing contacts because my eyes were always too puffy to wear them, which also meant that eye make up was too hard to wear. I wasn't looking to meet anyone - and I didn't. Eventually I did start wearing contacts again and wearing makeup. I still get my eyebrows waxed every three weeks, I recently cut off a ton of hair and have to blow it dry/straighten it every day. I bought some new clothes like bikinis, dresses, skirts, exercise tops (I don't exercise), non-flat shoes (I'd love to buy new coats, boots, shoes, pants, bras, jewelry, nicer work clothes including suits and bags...but I don't have the money for that) and recently I started getting electrolysis done again on my face and started laser hair removal first on my underarms and eventually I'll do my bikini line. I even started smiling more and laughing...and still...no one talks to me.
A cat-caller this week told me "Damn Girl, you are so fiiiine." Why is it that only people that are courageous enough to talk to me and think I am good looking aren't quite what I am looking for? When [do I daresay 'normal'] people do eventually talk to me (like the blind dates) we get along fine. I charm them. They usually like my first impression more than I like theirs.
I am putting effort into how I look, maybe not enough still, but really I am doing what I can with the little money I have. Sometimes I look in the mirror and forget I look like this - with the hair...and wonder if I look more snooty than I really am and maybe that is my problem - men might think I am a bitch. I have curves that men claim to LOVE but yet...not the right body type for a serious relationship. I think I am attractive enough that finding a decent looking nice man shouldn't be this difficult!
Anyway, one of these days, I'll have to be sure to thank SI for informing me that looks do matter and I should want to look better not necessarily for someone else, but for myself too. Little by little some of those small changes add up and I feel better about myself. Sometimes you just need a little support and a whole lot of money. Would SI notice a change in me? Maybe, I don't know. Sometimes too much change isn't good either, for me to preserve who I am...I still need some of the older me mixed in.
Goodness, sometimes I miss him.
Years ago, I was very plain and I didn't believe in spending a lot of money on my look. It could be that I didn't have a lot of money to spend...if there was excess money, I probably would have dressed nicer or put more effort into what I looked like. I don't think I was ugly, just a bit more everyday plain. The only thing I did spend some money on was hair removal both electrolysis on my lip when I was 16-18 and laser hair removal on my face when I was about 20.
Somewhere along the line my everyday plain look became a big problem for me. See, the man I loved told me that I didn't put effort into what I looked like and that he was no longer attracted to me. Of course, this is for good reason, he'd have to look at me. But he was initially attracted to the plain everyday me so all of a sudden I was caught off guard. I tried a few things like a high maintenance hair cut and started waxing my eyebrows and occasionally a bikini wax in the summer - or was that after him? I walked on a treadmill for an hour everyday, and even though I did gain weight from all our eating out...he forgot he did too. I finally got a 'grown up' job and bought some nice work clothes including skirts. But it was all too late so this vanity issue has been an issue for me because I want to make sure it doesn't happen again. I don't want to loose someone [again] over my bitten nails, because I like flat shoes or because I gained a few pounds. If I slip, I want correct it together with the help/support of my beau.
When I was down in the dumps for the last few years, people kept telling me if I put more of an effort into how I looked, then I would meet someone new and more people would talk to me. They also told me if I stopped trying to met someone - I would. Well let me tell all you people that didn't happen. I was heartbroken and I let myself go - I stopped wearing contacts because my eyes were always too puffy to wear them, which also meant that eye make up was too hard to wear. I wasn't looking to meet anyone - and I didn't. Eventually I did start wearing contacts again and wearing makeup. I still get my eyebrows waxed every three weeks, I recently cut off a ton of hair and have to blow it dry/straighten it every day. I bought some new clothes like bikinis, dresses, skirts, exercise tops (I don't exercise), non-flat shoes (I'd love to buy new coats, boots, shoes, pants, bras, jewelry, nicer work clothes including suits and bags...but I don't have the money for that) and recently I started getting electrolysis done again on my face and started laser hair removal first on my underarms and eventually I'll do my bikini line. I even started smiling more and laughing...and still...no one talks to me.
A cat-caller this week told me "Damn Girl, you are so fiiiine." Why is it that only people that are courageous enough to talk to me and think I am good looking aren't quite what I am looking for? When [do I daresay 'normal'] people do eventually talk to me (like the blind dates) we get along fine. I charm them. They usually like my first impression more than I like theirs.
I am putting effort into how I look, maybe not enough still, but really I am doing what I can with the little money I have. Sometimes I look in the mirror and forget I look like this - with the hair...and wonder if I look more snooty than I really am and maybe that is my problem - men might think I am a bitch. I have curves that men claim to LOVE but yet...not the right body type for a serious relationship. I think I am attractive enough that finding a decent looking nice man shouldn't be this difficult!
Anyway, one of these days, I'll have to be sure to thank SI for informing me that looks do matter and I should want to look better not necessarily for someone else, but for myself too. Little by little some of those small changes add up and I feel better about myself. Sometimes you just need a little support and a whole lot of money. Would SI notice a change in me? Maybe, I don't know. Sometimes too much change isn't good either, for me to preserve who I am...I still need some of the older me mixed in.
Goodness, sometimes I miss him.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Free Time
I have so much free time it is scary. I never know what to do with the 3-4 hours I have after work mid-week, on my weekends or how to use my vacation days. That is how I know I am missing a huge part of my life (having someone special to spend it with either a man or a child). Leave a comment for suggestions!
I have a business trip coming up very soon to New Orleans. I am excited about this since I have never been there but have wanted to go for quite some time, unfortunately, I am not taking extra time off down there so I will only have one free day of about 5 hours for me to explore the area on my own. The rest of my 2 days will either be with my clients from breakfast to dinner or in the airport/on a plane. I was surprised when no one took me up on the offer for a FREE hotel room in New Orleans, but the flights were crazy expensive, so that is probably why no one wanted to go.
In June I will be busy. I am going to Anaheim for work for 5 days with a co-worker and I hope to visit a friend in Oregon before that trip. I just found out my co-worker's client has a conference in Las Vegas so I volunteered for that, which will be before Oregon. So I will be gone for about 12 days - and need to figure out how to get work & casual clothes in a carryon! [ Don't worry, I schedule my posts so you won't miss me too much, you'll just be a little delayed]. A lot of work, but a bit of free time too! I really hope to start working on my tan. Then in July 3-7 I'll be in the Hamptons.
I am talking off a lot of Monday's in the summer from the comp time I have acquired. Other than that...I have no idea what to do with my vacation time. I am too broke for a real 'vacation' and I have no one to go with and there are only so many places I would go alone.
Future husband...you are missing out on my work trips. Come find me soon so I will have company when I travel. You can work remotely or use your free time by the pool/beach/shopping/sightseeing. You are also missing out on the after work snuggle/dinner/sex.
I have a business trip coming up very soon to New Orleans. I am excited about this since I have never been there but have wanted to go for quite some time, unfortunately, I am not taking extra time off down there so I will only have one free day of about 5 hours for me to explore the area on my own. The rest of my 2 days will either be with my clients from breakfast to dinner or in the airport/on a plane. I was surprised when no one took me up on the offer for a FREE hotel room in New Orleans, but the flights were crazy expensive, so that is probably why no one wanted to go.
In June I will be busy. I am going to Anaheim for work for 5 days with a co-worker and I hope to visit a friend in Oregon before that trip. I just found out my co-worker's client has a conference in Las Vegas so I volunteered for that, which will be before Oregon. So I will be gone for about 12 days - and need to figure out how to get work & casual clothes in a carryon! [ Don't worry, I schedule my posts so you won't miss me too much, you'll just be a little delayed]. A lot of work, but a bit of free time too! I really hope to start working on my tan. Then in July 3-7 I'll be in the Hamptons.
I am talking off a lot of Monday's in the summer from the comp time I have acquired. Other than that...I have no idea what to do with my vacation time. I am too broke for a real 'vacation' and I have no one to go with and there are only so many places I would go alone.
Future husband...you are missing out on my work trips. Come find me soon so I will have company when I travel. You can work remotely or use your free time by the pool/beach/shopping/sightseeing. You are also missing out on the after work snuggle/dinner/sex.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Assume
Growing up my family taught me a trick to remember how to spell assume - If you assume - you make an ass (of) U & me.
Assuming is fairly natural I think, but it is really bad, and you DO make an ass out of yourself. For instance, I finally spoke to HSK. Turns out he was starting to 'feel bad' because he just wanted sex and well, I am such a nice, sweet person. So he stopped talking to me, but claims that he missed it because he said it was so good. I laughed. I was like....I never saw something long term with you either - and I was looking for someone to have sex with on a somewhat regular basis until I find someone else. He then also denied he said "I like you" but hey, whatever.
I thought it was funny that he would assume that not only that a 'nice sweet person' like me would not want something with no strings but that also he was so conceited to think that I wanted him and that he is a Hugh Hefner of his local town. HAHAHA.
I'd like to remind you that I was never attracted to him physically. I mean, he isn't ugly - but he sure isn't anywhere near eye candy - not even close. Second his personality where he thinks that he is God's gift to the world reminds me of "Doofy"...way too much so. I really hate that quality...and unfortunately I did fed it when I told him that I was unexpectedly surprised with his ability to be really talented in bed. Both Doofy & HSK aren't great looking - but they have that very social aspect and have such high self esteem that they end up with pretty girls, but from what I have seen with both of them...those girls need to be able to put up with a lot of shit. I couldn't be degraded constantly when everything is always revolving around them. But for some reason I am initially attracted to that kind of thing and it is probably because I feel like I need someone slightly more outgoing than me.
Since I wrote about fate last week - I'm going to tell you why I think fate brought us together again after 15 years:
1) to make me realize that I can feel really comfortable in the presence of someone and because of this having sex quickly was easy for me since I don't do it with strangers.
2) to help my self-esteem in the sex area. When your beau cheats on you - you wonder if it is because you are bad in bed. Add to that the bad sex I've had in the last 2 years...and well...I needed a boost. This was it.
3) to prepare me for the event that I date/marry someone with a [slightly] smaller than average penis. At least I know that sometimes smaller can work and I shouldn't rule someone out just because of it...unless maybe still it is the size of my pinkie...I don't think I can go teeny tiny. I am not embarrassed to admit that it was way more pleasurable than my past - and it is THAT feeling that is addicting and left me wanting more. I think this may be the most important reason fate brought us together; to prepare me for a smaller than average penis.
Assuming is fairly natural I think, but it is really bad, and you DO make an ass out of yourself. For instance, I finally spoke to HSK. Turns out he was starting to 'feel bad' because he just wanted sex and well, I am such a nice, sweet person. So he stopped talking to me, but claims that he missed it because he said it was so good. I laughed. I was like....I never saw something long term with you either - and I was looking for someone to have sex with on a somewhat regular basis until I find someone else. He then also denied he said "I like you" but hey, whatever.
I thought it was funny that he would assume that not only that a 'nice sweet person' like me would not want something with no strings but that also he was so conceited to think that I wanted him and that he is a Hugh Hefner of his local town. HAHAHA.
I'd like to remind you that I was never attracted to him physically. I mean, he isn't ugly - but he sure isn't anywhere near eye candy - not even close. Second his personality where he thinks that he is God's gift to the world reminds me of "Doofy"...way too much so. I really hate that quality...and unfortunately I did fed it when I told him that I was unexpectedly surprised with his ability to be really talented in bed. Both Doofy & HSK aren't great looking - but they have that very social aspect and have such high self esteem that they end up with pretty girls, but from what I have seen with both of them...those girls need to be able to put up with a lot of shit. I couldn't be degraded constantly when everything is always revolving around them. But for some reason I am initially attracted to that kind of thing and it is probably because I feel like I need someone slightly more outgoing than me.
Since I wrote about fate last week - I'm going to tell you why I think fate brought us together again after 15 years:
1) to make me realize that I can feel really comfortable in the presence of someone and because of this having sex quickly was easy for me since I don't do it with strangers.
2) to help my self-esteem in the sex area. When your beau cheats on you - you wonder if it is because you are bad in bed. Add to that the bad sex I've had in the last 2 years...and well...I needed a boost. This was it.
3) to prepare me for the event that I date/marry someone with a [slightly] smaller than average penis. At least I know that sometimes smaller can work and I shouldn't rule someone out just because of it...unless maybe still it is the size of my pinkie...I don't think I can go teeny tiny. I am not embarrassed to admit that it was way more pleasurable than my past - and it is THAT feeling that is addicting and left me wanting more. I think this may be the most important reason fate brought us together; to prepare me for a smaller than average penis.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Me, a crazy? Yeah :(
I consider myself a fairly sane person. I know right from wrong, I have reason and most of the time I have a sound mind and use good judgement.
But there are times when I fear I am perceived as a crazy woman. I would like to let you all know that if I am perceived as crazy it is because of a man. I don't like to argue or fight. I like calm and happy or at least content.
There have been two times I feel like I turned 'crazy'. The first time of course was with SI after our breakup when he kept promising me things and never following through. He kept giving me the wrong signals so I kept doing what I thought would help, but then he'd get so mad and yell and belittle me and I just kept trying to 'fix' it. Trying to show and prove to him that I was OK with everything...that I was willing to do anything, but I just needed a little reassurance. Anyway. There were times I didn't recognize myself, and I fear that out of the eight years I knew him, if he thinks of me - I worry that it is all me being temporarily crazy and not the real me. The temporary crazy was just because I didn't know how to react when someone I loved confused me.
The second time I feel I got all crazy was this past month with HSK. There was nothing official with him, but again with all the mixed signals I didn't realize what was happening and so maybe I asked too many questions or seemed more interested than I was because I wasn't getting a response. When I finally said something, at least I got the response I thought - which is fine...but I really hate people that aren't honest. Is it so hard? Especially when it turns out we both just wanted something 'fun' - as I learned the last time I saw him that there was no way a future would have been possible because I learned way more about him and realized that I couldn't handle that in the long run. Anyway, all that awkwardness could have been avoided.
I feel when I get all crazy - that I try to over-explain...and that is never good. Men DO think way different than woman. Things that keep at us, that we keep thinking about - never seems to be the same thing a guy thinks about and he doesn't understand why we are so bothered by it.
I don't think that someone should make you nervous all the time or make you feel like you are overreacting or even if you get all crazy...its not worth it.
But there are times when I fear I am perceived as a crazy woman. I would like to let you all know that if I am perceived as crazy it is because of a man. I don't like to argue or fight. I like calm and happy or at least content.
There have been two times I feel like I turned 'crazy'. The first time of course was with SI after our breakup when he kept promising me things and never following through. He kept giving me the wrong signals so I kept doing what I thought would help, but then he'd get so mad and yell and belittle me and I just kept trying to 'fix' it. Trying to show and prove to him that I was OK with everything...that I was willing to do anything, but I just needed a little reassurance. Anyway. There were times I didn't recognize myself, and I fear that out of the eight years I knew him, if he thinks of me - I worry that it is all me being temporarily crazy and not the real me. The temporary crazy was just because I didn't know how to react when someone I loved confused me.
The second time I feel I got all crazy was this past month with HSK. There was nothing official with him, but again with all the mixed signals I didn't realize what was happening and so maybe I asked too many questions or seemed more interested than I was because I wasn't getting a response. When I finally said something, at least I got the response I thought - which is fine...but I really hate people that aren't honest. Is it so hard? Especially when it turns out we both just wanted something 'fun' - as I learned the last time I saw him that there was no way a future would have been possible because I learned way more about him and realized that I couldn't handle that in the long run. Anyway, all that awkwardness could have been avoided.
I feel when I get all crazy - that I try to over-explain...and that is never good. Men DO think way different than woman. Things that keep at us, that we keep thinking about - never seems to be the same thing a guy thinks about and he doesn't understand why we are so bothered by it.
I don't think that someone should make you nervous all the time or make you feel like you are overreacting or even if you get all crazy...its not worth it.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Do you believe in fate?
Do you believe in fate?
Fate - that which is inevitably predetermined; destiny.
I have always believed in fate. That things are supposed to happen for a reason, even though I don't know what the reason is. For instance...why have I been at this job for so long when I don't like it. Why haven't the resumes I sent out provided me with an interview? Why is this job part of who I am? Am I supposed to meet someone through work or need this job in the city to bump into my future husband? Am I supposed to use the free time I have at work to do other things - like take an online course or look into a vacation, book it, go on it and realize I am supposed to live in Brazil instead. Will a business trip allow me to either met someone special or provide a work connection? None of that could happen if I didn't have THIS job.
But when is enough enough? What if I don't book that trip for another FIVE years? What if I don't take walks at lunch time? I don't want part of my best years to be 'wasted' away alone. I'd rather have someone to enjoy it with.
Can fate change? If it is predetermined can little things change your outcome?
Did you see The Adjustment Bureau? It plays with this idea that ultimately there is a predetermined course for everyone. It showed that fate can change depending on the other circumstances of the 'bigger picture'. I actually liked this movie because it toyed with the idea of fate and that is something I have been thinking about for a long time.
It is partially about the universe -did you read The Secret? Five years ago I read it. I tried telling the universe what I wanted. Every morning in the shower for two months I went over what I was asking the universe for. I tried asking for very 'realistic' things; there was nothing like win the lottery. I realized I had to get really specific because when I just said a boyfriend with dark hair, I was on a date 3 years later with a dark haired man that could have been a gorilla or when I wished for an apartment...and finally got one, I forgot to tell the universe I wanted an apartment with sound control and no bugs...but you know, I thought that was obvious.
What is fate's timeline? Will I finally reach my journey of finding a wonderful man and then die? That doesn't seem 'fair' but I guess nothing in the world ever is. So it makes me wonder - why some people have it so much better or so much worse. Fate takes on a domino effect that once you get to where you are supposed to be you will look back and realize that all these other things had to happen for you to get where you are.
Fate is a great mystery to me but I hope it exists and will help guide me through life. Only time will tell.
Fate - that which is inevitably predetermined; destiny.
I have always believed in fate. That things are supposed to happen for a reason, even though I don't know what the reason is. For instance...why have I been at this job for so long when I don't like it. Why haven't the resumes I sent out provided me with an interview? Why is this job part of who I am? Am I supposed to meet someone through work or need this job in the city to bump into my future husband? Am I supposed to use the free time I have at work to do other things - like take an online course or look into a vacation, book it, go on it and realize I am supposed to live in Brazil instead. Will a business trip allow me to either met someone special or provide a work connection? None of that could happen if I didn't have THIS job.
But when is enough enough? What if I don't book that trip for another FIVE years? What if I don't take walks at lunch time? I don't want part of my best years to be 'wasted' away alone. I'd rather have someone to enjoy it with.
Can fate change? If it is predetermined can little things change your outcome?
- What happens when I wake up tired and unsocial, so later in the day a cute guy smiles at me but I look away...and he was supposed to be the guy for me. Will fate bring us together another time? Will our paths recross until it works?
- What happens when I am destined to meet a doctor but yet - when I injure myself I don't see a doctor, I just wait for it to pass or don't rush to the hospital when my grandmother gets pneumonia.
- Is it fate that gives me a headache on the train so I don't run the errands I planned to do and potentially meet a man at the supermarket - because that man is no good for me?
- What about me being too hesitant to pursue a relationship with a new stranger. I get too nervous so we don't get past 3 dates because I worry about the sex thing. So I end it too soon. When will fate kick in and allow it to go further?
Did you see The Adjustment Bureau? It plays with this idea that ultimately there is a predetermined course for everyone. It showed that fate can change depending on the other circumstances of the 'bigger picture'. I actually liked this movie because it toyed with the idea of fate and that is something I have been thinking about for a long time.
It is partially about the universe -did you read The Secret? Five years ago I read it. I tried telling the universe what I wanted. Every morning in the shower for two months I went over what I was asking the universe for. I tried asking for very 'realistic' things; there was nothing like win the lottery. I realized I had to get really specific because when I just said a boyfriend with dark hair, I was on a date 3 years later with a dark haired man that could have been a gorilla or when I wished for an apartment...and finally got one, I forgot to tell the universe I wanted an apartment with sound control and no bugs...but you know, I thought that was obvious.
What is fate's timeline? Will I finally reach my journey of finding a wonderful man and then die? That doesn't seem 'fair' but I guess nothing in the world ever is. So it makes me wonder - why some people have it so much better or so much worse. Fate takes on a domino effect that once you get to where you are supposed to be you will look back and realize that all these other things had to happen for you to get where you are.
Fate is a great mystery to me but I hope it exists and will help guide me through life. Only time will tell.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Word Wonders
Over the last few years I have heard on more than one occasion, and by more than one person, that they didn't like a word.
Yes, a specific word. Sometimes it give them the hebe jeepies. Sometimes it makes their stomach turn. Sometimes they shut their eyes and stick their fingers in their ears to block out that word and all associations with it. Sometimes the shoulders rise and a cringe sets in. Sometimes people shake their head to block out the sound of the word. Sometimes their skin crawls. Sometimes they make a funny sound.
It is curious to me why someone might not like a word. Some of the words were:
moist
cotton
esophagus
pack / package
make love
chunk / chunky
retard
bundle
Is it the noise the word makes? Is it the action of the word? Is it the consistency of the noun? Is it the actual meaning of the word that has a negative connotation?
What about the reactions people get from the words? I understand all to well about wanting to block out the words associated with something you don't like. For instance, when people are talking about bugs - I tend to put my finger in my ear and low-hum to block out all talk about those critters. But if you said the word 'spider' I wouldn't have much of a response - maybe squeeze my eye shut for a moment hoping you won't make that into a sentence, but just the word is OK.
Why is it we associate negative feelings with words? Sometimes we grow up listening to others talk about those words in that way or perhaps we had a first/second hand experience with something that when we hear something we want to hide.
But why is it just with certain words - and not all words - we think negatively about? For instance when I hear the words 'cheater' [a word I can relate to], 'snot' [a word for something that grosses me out], or even 'ridonklous' [a word I don't understand why someone would say]. I don't shut my eyes and wish I was someplace else even though those words have meaning for me.
Yes, a specific word. Sometimes it give them the hebe jeepies. Sometimes it makes their stomach turn. Sometimes they shut their eyes and stick their fingers in their ears to block out that word and all associations with it. Sometimes the shoulders rise and a cringe sets in. Sometimes people shake their head to block out the sound of the word. Sometimes their skin crawls. Sometimes they make a funny sound.
It is curious to me why someone might not like a word. Some of the words were:
moist
cotton
esophagus
pack / package
make love
chunk / chunky
retard
bundle
Is it the noise the word makes? Is it the action of the word? Is it the consistency of the noun? Is it the actual meaning of the word that has a negative connotation?
What about the reactions people get from the words? I understand all to well about wanting to block out the words associated with something you don't like. For instance, when people are talking about bugs - I tend to put my finger in my ear and low-hum to block out all talk about those critters. But if you said the word 'spider' I wouldn't have much of a response - maybe squeeze my eye shut for a moment hoping you won't make that into a sentence, but just the word is OK.
Why is it we associate negative feelings with words? Sometimes we grow up listening to others talk about those words in that way or perhaps we had a first/second hand experience with something that when we hear something we want to hide.
But why is it just with certain words - and not all words - we think negatively about? For instance when I hear the words 'cheater' [a word I can relate to], 'snot' [a word for something that grosses me out], or even 'ridonklous' [a word I don't understand why someone would say]. I don't shut my eyes and wish I was someplace else even though those words have meaning for me.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Bank Boy close to going POSTAL
I wasn't planning on another post today...but I have to write about this.
A few days ago, Bank Boy and I text for a while. He was being really good about not talking to me when the whole HSK thing was going on a few months ago - but still asked for sex a few times, which I denied him. We hadn't spoken since...until Monday. A 'normal' converstation somehow he gets to end up talking about sex.
So, just a few moments ago, Bank Boy asks me if he can see me on Saturday but I say no - I might have a date with matchmaker #2 guy - I wasn't 100% sure yet.
He seriously just flipped out. Here word for word:
BB - so I guess we can't meet?
BB - We can't f*ck?
Me - Not if my date is there!
BB - So what are you telling me?
Me - That it won't work
BB - So I won't ask you for sex again, I'm not your 'fall back' like other guys have you as
Me - What? You asked ME. And the date is someone new.
BB - Whatever if you really want it you can do it, but you always put me just in case nothing else happens, f*ck that!
Me - LOL, you are angry today.
BB - You think it's funny? That's why guys keep doing it to you, isn't that funny as well?
Me - Hilarious. Who knows, my date might end up my future husband and I am definitely not going to f*ck him right away. As for the other guy that is over and it had nothing to do with me asking for sex.
BB - Sure Denise one day it will happen, keep waiting.
Me - I don't know why you are so mad, our 'arrangement' was just sex. But you get so f*cking possessive, it scares me. I haven't asked you for sex EVER. I just agreed to it. But maybe now you will stop talking to me and harassing me for sex.
BB - I am not possessive, I don't have nor I want to (he missed a word somewhere in there), but every time want it you put me on a waiting list, again f*ck that!
BB - Harassing you????? HAHAHHAHA
BB - Whatever Denise, you always want to feel like the victim. stop that, maybe that's your problem, get over it.
Me - Why are you still talking to me?
BB - Get over that Sh*it, I'm done.
Me - Good
BB - Why are you still talking to me?
(clever. use my line against me)
Hilarious stuff.
I am certainly no slut like he makes me seem. Out of the 4 times I had sex in 2010 - 2 were with him and two were with someone else. This year, I've gotten laid more than that...but only once or twice with him. Sure, if I was 'desperate' I might consider it...but I've had long droughts and it doesn't bother me so much. I certainly don't think I ever strung him along since I was constantly telling him he wasn't the guy for me, that most of the time I said no to his askings, and I was always honest with him telling him I preferred other men. What guy is stupid enough to still ask? Well, good for him I guess. I might have rejected him, but at least for the last year or two I was honest about it with him, not my fault he didn't understand.
But, this does make me wonder...do I let guys treat me like how he claims? Is that why I can't hold onto a guy? I never considered that before. Do I see myself as a victim all the time? No, for the most part I don't. Just of course with my two big breakups...and I did let them both string me along for a long time. But the other guys? Hardly. And what other guys? I am not good at meeting people. I think if I met someone...soemthing good could evolve, but generally, until now, I wasn't ready for that. Am I attracted to the kind of guy that victimizes me? Yeah, you know what..maybe a little and it is only because that is all I have known...I don't want it, certainly. I am sure in my future relationships it won't be like that. Best part is, I know the signs to look for but generally if a guy shows interest - I just go with it. I eventually develop feelings. Once those feelings are there - then that is when I fight to keep the guy.
But I never had feelings for Bank Boy.
Think this will be the last I hear from him ever? I doubt it.
A few days ago, Bank Boy and I text for a while. He was being really good about not talking to me when the whole HSK thing was going on a few months ago - but still asked for sex a few times, which I denied him. We hadn't spoken since...until Monday. A 'normal' converstation somehow he gets to end up talking about sex.
So, just a few moments ago, Bank Boy asks me if he can see me on Saturday but I say no - I might have a date with matchmaker #2 guy - I wasn't 100% sure yet.
He seriously just flipped out. Here word for word:
BB - so I guess we can't meet?
BB - We can't f*ck?
Me - Not if my date is there!
BB - So what are you telling me?
Me - That it won't work
BB - So I won't ask you for sex again, I'm not your 'fall back' like other guys have you as
Me - What? You asked ME. And the date is someone new.
BB - Whatever if you really want it you can do it, but you always put me just in case nothing else happens, f*ck that!
Me - LOL, you are angry today.
BB - You think it's funny? That's why guys keep doing it to you, isn't that funny as well?
Me - Hilarious. Who knows, my date might end up my future husband and I am definitely not going to f*ck him right away. As for the other guy that is over and it had nothing to do with me asking for sex.
BB - Sure Denise one day it will happen, keep waiting.
Me - I don't know why you are so mad, our 'arrangement' was just sex. But you get so f*cking possessive, it scares me. I haven't asked you for sex EVER. I just agreed to it. But maybe now you will stop talking to me and harassing me for sex.
BB - I am not possessive, I don't have nor I want to (he missed a word somewhere in there), but every time want it you put me on a waiting list, again f*ck that!
BB - Harassing you????? HAHAHHAHA
BB - Whatever Denise, you always want to feel like the victim. stop that, maybe that's your problem, get over it.
Me - Why are you still talking to me?
BB - Get over that Sh*it, I'm done.
Me - Good
BB - Why are you still talking to me?
(clever. use my line against me)
Hilarious stuff.
I am certainly no slut like he makes me seem. Out of the 4 times I had sex in 2010 - 2 were with him and two were with someone else. This year, I've gotten laid more than that...but only once or twice with him. Sure, if I was 'desperate' I might consider it...but I've had long droughts and it doesn't bother me so much. I certainly don't think I ever strung him along since I was constantly telling him he wasn't the guy for me, that most of the time I said no to his askings, and I was always honest with him telling him I preferred other men. What guy is stupid enough to still ask? Well, good for him I guess. I might have rejected him, but at least for the last year or two I was honest about it with him, not my fault he didn't understand.
But, this does make me wonder...do I let guys treat me like how he claims? Is that why I can't hold onto a guy? I never considered that before. Do I see myself as a victim all the time? No, for the most part I don't. Just of course with my two big breakups...and I did let them both string me along for a long time. But the other guys? Hardly. And what other guys? I am not good at meeting people. I think if I met someone...soemthing good could evolve, but generally, until now, I wasn't ready for that. Am I attracted to the kind of guy that victimizes me? Yeah, you know what..maybe a little and it is only because that is all I have known...I don't want it, certainly. I am sure in my future relationships it won't be like that. Best part is, I know the signs to look for but generally if a guy shows interest - I just go with it. I eventually develop feelings. Once those feelings are there - then that is when I fight to keep the guy.
But I never had feelings for Bank Boy.
Think this will be the last I hear from him ever? I doubt it.
Thou shall not covet
Can you recite all ten commandments? I forgot a few when I tried to think about them.
I have no idea what #2 means.
Saying the Lord's name in vein - does that include when you mutter or call it out during sex?
Working on the 7th day - I am not sure how far that goes. Is it work for a pay check? Is it any manual labor? Is it running errands for our home? We all do something on Sunday's.
Honor your father & mother - that is easy for me...but I understand that a lot of people hate or resent their parents. We should add honor your siblings too.
Committing murder and stealing - now those are upheld by the law. They must be the worst ones if you can go to jail for it.
Adultery - that is just when the married person cheats right? That does not apply to the person without a commitment that engages in sexual activity with a married person?
Covet - verb: 1) to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property. 2) to wish for, especially eagerly: He won the prize they all coveted. 3) to have an inordinate or wrongful desire. To wish and desire, provided you don't act upon anything - is that really wrong? Why is that forbidden by God? Sometimes when we see what other people have, we try harder to get there ourselves. Perhaps it is motivation. Perhaps it is jealously. Maybe it makes us immature comparing ourselves to others and maybe in the long run all that competition isn't good for society - but maybe it is good because it gives society options and the ability to think for themselves (to a point). So we aren't supposed to covet something that is our neighbors/friend. But what about our enemy or people we don't really know - is it OK then?
Either way, I broke one or two or three of these commandments yesterday. And honestly, it didn't bother me one bit.
- 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'
- 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'
- 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'
- 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'
- 'Honor your father and your mother.'
- 'You shall not murder.'
- 'You shall not commit adultery.'
- 'You shall not steal.'
- 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'
- 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'
I have no idea what #2 means.
Saying the Lord's name in vein - does that include when you mutter or call it out during sex?
Working on the 7th day - I am not sure how far that goes. Is it work for a pay check? Is it any manual labor? Is it running errands for our home? We all do something on Sunday's.
Honor your father & mother - that is easy for me...but I understand that a lot of people hate or resent their parents. We should add honor your siblings too.
Committing murder and stealing - now those are upheld by the law. They must be the worst ones if you can go to jail for it.
Adultery - that is just when the married person cheats right? That does not apply to the person without a commitment that engages in sexual activity with a married person?
Covet - verb: 1) to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property. 2) to wish for, especially eagerly: He won the prize they all coveted. 3) to have an inordinate or wrongful desire. To wish and desire, provided you don't act upon anything - is that really wrong? Why is that forbidden by God? Sometimes when we see what other people have, we try harder to get there ourselves. Perhaps it is motivation. Perhaps it is jealously. Maybe it makes us immature comparing ourselves to others and maybe in the long run all that competition isn't good for society - but maybe it is good because it gives society options and the ability to think for themselves (to a point). So we aren't supposed to covet something that is our neighbors/friend. But what about our enemy or people we don't really know - is it OK then?
Either way, I broke one or two or three of these commandments yesterday. And honestly, it didn't bother me one bit.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
rejection is hard
I recently had communications with both Bank Boy and Cop #1. Bank Boy wanted to know how things were going with HSK which turned into a 3 hour texting conversation about why I didn't give him (BB) a chance like I did with HSK, if HSK wasn't interested I should give him a try again, etc etc. It was a lot to handle and super annoying. But I was considering it :( for a moment until he got all crazy on me.
Cop#1 I asked about the job/pensions/etc. There were some things I needed to know for 'research' purposes. We ended up texting on/off the whole afternoon. He really can make me blush and smile.
Which made me realize that at times I feel like - the kid in gym class that wants to be on team A, but team A doesn't want me. Team B on the other hand is accepting and wants me to be on their team...team B loves me, but I just don't want to be on their team. I keep gazing at Team A hoping they'd change their mind. So, I keep going to Team B and am willing to be a traitor as soon as Team A calls....or I keep waiting for them to ask me and so I don't put any effort for Team B.
OK, so that was confusing...but relate the Teams to guys. Team A could be HSK, SI or some other chap I haven't met yet. Someone I feel comfortable around and hope to pursue something. Team B is the recycled guys, guys that aren't available or guys I am not into. Both Bank Boy and Cop#1 was extremely flattering and made me feel so good about myself. They helped me realize that I am a pretty awesome chick - and made me curious why Team A doesn't like me. Even though they are helpful, nothing can transpire with those B team guys. But Team A....they didn't appreciate me or didn't realize how awesome I could be. Is there a Team C?
I wonder why guys don't just tell you what is bothering them, what they would like different, or in general just being more open. I am very adaptable - and am willing to go out of my way to make someone happy.
I like to be in control, so being rejected is really hard.
Cop#1 I asked about the job/pensions/etc. There were some things I needed to know for 'research' purposes. We ended up texting on/off the whole afternoon. He really can make me blush and smile.
Which made me realize that at times I feel like - the kid in gym class that wants to be on team A, but team A doesn't want me. Team B on the other hand is accepting and wants me to be on their team...team B loves me, but I just don't want to be on their team. I keep gazing at Team A hoping they'd change their mind. So, I keep going to Team B and am willing to be a traitor as soon as Team A calls....or I keep waiting for them to ask me and so I don't put any effort for Team B.
OK, so that was confusing...but relate the Teams to guys. Team A could be HSK, SI or some other chap I haven't met yet. Someone I feel comfortable around and hope to pursue something. Team B is the recycled guys, guys that aren't available or guys I am not into. Both Bank Boy and Cop#1 was extremely flattering and made me feel so good about myself. They helped me realize that I am a pretty awesome chick - and made me curious why Team A doesn't like me. Even though they are helpful, nothing can transpire with those B team guys. But Team A....they didn't appreciate me or didn't realize how awesome I could be. Is there a Team C?
I wonder why guys don't just tell you what is bothering them, what they would like different, or in general just being more open. I am very adaptable - and am willing to go out of my way to make someone happy.
I like to be in control, so being rejected is really hard.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Bravissimo
It is a fact, I have huge breasts - 34F.
Shopping to cover them is quite difficult. I did end up buying this blue dress but it took a lot of work to get it to show very little bra since when I tried it on it looked like below with a regular bra - even a strapless had lots of bra near the underarm. I might have to bring it to a tailor for some extra fabric since the dress itself is quite cute.
So, finding a dress is hard. I just recently purchased such a great dress...or two actually. Both of them could be strapless if you want, or add a small strap. Notice how these cover my breasts.
The site that I purchased these two dresses from is also the same site I have been purchasing my bikinis and bathing suits which I love since they cover me just right. I bought this bikini last year for my Mexico trip:
The store is located in England, it is called Bravissimo and they recently launched a sister site called pepperberry that sells clothes. I am actually a 34G at this site for bras/bikinis. What is great about their clothes is that you buy them according to not only your bra size, but if you are 'curvy', 'really curvy' or 'super curvy'. I thought I was a 'really curvy' since the breasts are just so big...but when I bought the two above dresses, I actually had to return them for just the regular 'curvy' part of me felt great about that. I look forward to trying out their button down shirts too, since I have never been able to wear those without someone seeing through the bulging holes.
Shopping to cover them is quite difficult. I did end up buying this blue dress but it took a lot of work to get it to show very little bra since when I tried it on it looked like below with a regular bra - even a strapless had lots of bra near the underarm. I might have to bring it to a tailor for some extra fabric since the dress itself is quite cute.
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| I hate when the bra shows under the arm... |
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| or when you find a great dress, but the breasts are too big to look decent and all lopsided. |
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| See, no cleavage! |
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| Love this one. It fits so well. Sorry the pic is so dark. |
The site that I purchased these two dresses from is also the same site I have been purchasing my bikinis and bathing suits which I love since they cover me just right. I bought this bikini last year for my Mexico trip:
and another great one this year thinking I'd be hitting the beach with some guy.
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| blurry yes - and it isn't me...but you get the idea until I get a pic of me up. |
The store is located in England, it is called Bravissimo and they recently launched a sister site called pepperberry that sells clothes. I am actually a 34G at this site for bras/bikinis. What is great about their clothes is that you buy them according to not only your bra size, but if you are 'curvy', 'really curvy' or 'super curvy'. I thought I was a 'really curvy' since the breasts are just so big...but when I bought the two above dresses, I actually had to return them for just the regular 'curvy' part of me felt great about that. I look forward to trying out their button down shirts too, since I have never been able to wear those without someone seeing through the bulging holes.
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