You always remember your first love, right?

Speaking of having someone else in New Orleans, for some reason I kept thinking of SI. I know that is so wrong...but I thought he would be a really nice person to be there with. I remember we enjoyed live music, casual environments and well, we never really drank together but now that I am drinking again...

Sometimes I don't think of SI at all, but for whatever reason the last month I've thought about him quite a bit :( and wonder if he ever thinks of me.  At times I am so tempted to email him and tell him that if he is single, does not have a child/ren and if he thought we were great together...that I am not opposed to try to date him from the beginning....as in, pretend we don't have a past - start as if we just met since every time we saw each other in the last 3 years it was quite horrible since there was that weird feeling of being too in between.  I know we've both 'changed' but I am still me just a little different, and I am sure he still has all those qualities that I loved somewhere underneath all the drama/hurt.  Maybe it is because I still haven't met anyone 'worth it' and everyone has issues so why not just deal with his? I just remember how much I loved the first 2 years with him...the way he covered his mouth when he laughed, his ~5 different smiles, the way he dressed, his support and that he killed my bugs (hahaha - but seriously that is important and I've met a guy that was scared of bugs) among so many other things.

I guess there is no way to escape thinking about him...I mean, you always remember your first love, right?  And if that is all it is...just memories, then it isn't so bad. I have learned in the last few months that it IS possible to put him aside and move on...so that is good, but when there is no one else to 'distract' me...then I worry that I will always wonder what our life would have been like and since it was truly the only life I wanted, I think I will always think about what I am missing out on.  And I think about the woman that is/will be with him and has the life I wanted with him, and that still makes me sad.