Vanity

I am not conceited and I don't think the world revolves around me. Additionally I don't really consider myself a vain person - I don't think I am 'hot' or 'amazing' or that people should be 'lucky' just to know me.

Years ago, I was very plain and I didn't believe in spending a lot of money on my look. It could be that I didn't have a lot of money to spend...if there was excess money, I probably would have dressed nicer or put more effort into what I looked like. I don't think I was ugly, just a bit more everyday plain. The only thing I did spend some money on was hair removal both electrolysis on my lip when I was 16-18 and laser hair removal on my face when I was about 20.

Somewhere along the line my everyday plain look became a big problem for me. See, the man I loved told me that I didn't put effort into what I looked like and that he was no longer attracted to me. Of course, this is for good reason, he'd have to look at me. But he was initially attracted to the plain everyday me so all of a sudden I was caught off guard. I tried a few things like a high maintenance hair cut and started waxing my eyebrows and occasionally a bikini wax in the summer - or was that after him?  I walked on a treadmill for an hour everyday, and even though I did gain weight from all our eating out...he forgot he did too.  I finally got a 'grown up' job and bought some nice work clothes including skirts. But it was all too late so this vanity issue has been an issue for me because I want to make sure it doesn't happen again. I don't want to loose someone [again] over my bitten nails, because I like flat shoes or because I gained a few pounds.  If I slip, I want correct it together with the help/support of my beau.

When I was down in the dumps for the last few years, people kept telling me if I put more of an effort into how I looked, then I would meet someone new and more people would talk to me. They also told me if I stopped trying to met someone - I would. Well let me tell all you people that didn't happen. I was heartbroken and I let myself go - I stopped wearing contacts because my eyes were always too puffy to wear them, which also meant that eye make up was too hard to wear. I wasn't looking to meet anyone - and I didn't.  Eventually I did start wearing contacts again and wearing makeup. I still get my eyebrows waxed every three weeks, I recently cut off a ton of hair and have to blow it dry/straighten it every day. I bought some new clothes like bikinis, dresses, skirts, exercise tops (I don't exercise), non-flat shoes (I'd love to buy new coats, boots, shoes, pants, bras, jewelry, nicer work clothes including suits and bags...but I don't have the money for that) and recently I started getting electrolysis done again on my face and started laser hair removal first on my underarms and eventually I'll do my bikini line. I even started smiling more and laughing...and still...no one talks to me.

A cat-caller this week told me "Damn Girl, you are so fiiiine." Why is it that only people that are courageous enough to talk to me and think I am good looking aren't quite what I am looking for? When [do I daresay 'normal'] people do eventually talk to me (like the blind dates) we get along fine. I charm them. They usually like my first impression more than I like theirs.

I am putting effort into how I look, maybe not enough still, but really I am doing what I can with the little money I have. Sometimes I look in the mirror and forget I look like this - with the hair...and wonder if I look more snooty than I really am and maybe that is my problem - men might think I am a bitch. I have curves that men claim to LOVE but yet...not the right body type for a serious relationship.  I think I am attractive enough that finding a decent looking nice man shouldn't be this difficult!

Anyway, one of these days, I'll have to be sure to thank SI for informing me that looks do matter and I should want to look better not necessarily for someone else, but for myself too.  Little by little some of those small changes add up and I feel better about myself.  Sometimes you just need a little support and a whole lot of money.  Would SI notice a change in me?  Maybe, I don't know.  Sometimes too much change isn't good either, for me to preserve  who I am...I still need some of the older me mixed in.  

Goodness, sometimes I miss him.