I have really been enjoying my 3.5 day weekends. Best use of my comp. time so far! Not that I do anything 'special'. In fact I had a really boring weekend...a little depressingly boring. It felt great to relax and not have a care in the world (well, that isn't true, I have a lot on my mind) but at the same time, I want to spend that time with a special someone.
And that always gets me to think about how much I loved being part of a couple. I mean, I guess I wasn't good at it, but I liked it nonetheless. I am so tired of being alone.
Which brings me to two things that happened last week.
1) I woke Thursday night in a sweat from a nightmare about SI's two kids. One 7 and the other around 2. The dream was so vivid and real. I actually had to sit and and think...did I actually know if he had kid(s)? or is it so familiar because it is a dream I have had more than once? I was too shaken up to fall back to sleep. And for what? I mean, who cares if he has a kid. Well, partly I guess I do since all that time I wanted a family when I was young and he insisted he didn't. I went with it because of love, someone needs to compromise; but then I get screwed because now I won't have a kid till I am 'older' than I had hoped and part of me is empty because of it...while he might have one or five and well, it doesn't seem right. But again...that shouldn't bother me this late in the recovery. And I am mostly recovered. Sure little things pop up but it is more about the feelings I had in that situation, memories or just the idea...not so much HIM anymore.
2) I bought tickets a month or two ago to a concert. I never do that - not unless I know someone is going with me and we make the plans. But I got tired of missing out on things, and I wanted to see THIS concert so I bought two tickets thinking surely someone would go with me. I asked around...no takers. My sister said she would but ONLY IF no one else would go...and she even posted a fb status asking someone to go with me so she didn't have to. I mean, I wasn't that desperate was I? I like to think not, but then again...no one wanted to go. I knew if I couldn't find anyone, that I probably wouldn't go myself. One of the barriers I need to overcome is doing things alone. So I was starting to toy with the idea of sending a ticket to SI. See if he'd show up. I can't imagine anything good would come of it since I know I'd still find him attractive and still wonder what if? But it thankfully it didn't come to me succumbing to my loneliness; I begged someone to go and not pay for the ticket...just so I'd have company. I'm looking forward to it in August. I love outdoor concerts.
I don't know what to do with my free time. I still have quite a bit of it. I am honestly just hoping that if/when I quit I'll get paid for the time off I didn't take. I should really read the policy manual to see if they do that. I tried to come up with 'fun' things to do...but I don't really follow through because I'd rather do things with someone or the weather isn't good or something will come up part of the day that ruins the rest of what I was going to do. This weekend I scheduled a weekend away, but I didn't decide where to go. Time is ticking. Will I do it? Probably not. And that makes me sad. I hope I don't start falling into oblivion again - I was doing really well. I really hope it is my immenent period that is making me an emotional basketcase (remember I am not used to these crazy hormone changes) on the verge of tears.
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