Happy Blog-Anniversary to me...

Today marks ONE YEAR since my first blog post!  Now 200 posts later, I feel like I have been doing this so much longer. 

Sometimes I have so much to say, other times, nothing.  I get all these great ideas when I am in bed or walking to work, but then can't for the life of me remember what they are when I get a few minutes to type it all out.

I am so thankful for my devoted ELEVEN followers and the few you that read anonymously.  I have had an interesting year, and you were right there every step of the way.  I hope that this coming year will be more interesting reading for you (and a more interesting life for me) and that perhaps I can double my following.

It has been an interesting journey and experience, and I have become somewhat addicted to blogger - not only trying to blog regularly but reading about other peoples lives/experiences as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you.    :)

A happy scrapper

After almost a year, I realized I have not told you what kinds of things I do in my free time.  So today I will tell you about one of my hobbies.  I scrapbook.

About 7 years ago, my sister hosted a creative memories scrapbooking party.  I really liked it and was hooked.  I made two chronological scrapbooks about mine & SIs dating life (things we did together, random pictures with songs, etc).  When I thought we were getting back together, I made an ABCs of love scrapbook (which was AWESOME) - but that little shitter was away in Disney with the mistress when telling me we'd be together by New Years.  Waste of time that album, but I will definitely do a similar one for my future man. 

Anyway, I really loved scrapbooking.  At some point I realized how much money I was spending, and decided to become a CM consultant.  I wasn't really looking to host parties (I only did 2) but I wanted to be able to buy things for me.  I have been doing it about 5 years....and keep saying I need to give it up.  I must place a $X specific order every rolling 3 months.  It gets expensive considering I am already broke. 
So I get together with 4 - 6 ladies one night a month from 7 - midnight and we scrapbook.  Then every few months we (about 8-10 ladies)  try to do an all day event, such as yesterday when we got together from 10 am - 8pm.  I served lunch and dinner and it is a great time to catch up with friends and get some scrapbooking work done.

Here are some pictures of some of my favorite pages:

 

Snow day

Today I got to work from home.  And, you know what? I really did work and a lot of it.  I started at around 6:30 since I was up so I thought it would be OK to quit my day at 1:30.  It was a long day of working but at least I was in my pajamas.  I did shower, but then I put my dirty pajamas on again....well they aren't THAT dirty.

For a work from home day, I had some issues with clients.  Blah, I am really starting to hate my job. The last three days added onto 2 weeks ago!  I can barely stand it.  I keep dreaming of a new job.

SO WHY then, now that I have free time....can I not look for jobs online? I looked at TWO websites.  I got my flash drive, my resume ready to go.  But I lack the umpf to actually send that email.  I am so tired of the crap I have to deal with, you would think it would be a no brainer to actually be motivated.

Is it just because I worked my tail off for 7 hours? Maybe I just need a nap.  Can't be a long one, I have people coming for dinner tonight!

My first date in almost a year

In September I asked my friends to be set up.  If anyone set me up on a date, I'd give them a gift card or something.  One friend attempted, but a date never happened. Then in December I get a text from Cop #1 he has a man for me.  Hmm I wonder, did he clone himself?  No of course not.  So I say sure give the kid my number.   A little over a month later the guy finally texts me and I met him last night.  It was truly a blind date since we texted just details of a meeting location.  I didn't ask Cop #1 any details because sometimes I wonder how accurate that information is.

Blind dates are hard.  Well, any kind of dates are hard. I really hate the first 5 dates.  But before we get to that...lets go back to the first blind  date. 

How to find the other person?  Well, luckily for me, I chose a bar that was quite empty and there were no individual men their when I got there so I went to the bar and ordered a drink.  Eventually someone came in and well, wouldn't you know, I was the only female sitting alone - it happened to be easy last night.  Cop #1 didn't tell my date, let's call him Cop #4 for now, how he knew me.  But I was very curious what Cop #1 thought I would like in a guy, considering I am so attracted to him.  I have to be honest, I was a little disappointed.  I mean, sure, single guys are hard to come by, especially ones that are slightly attractive.  This guy wasn't hideous or anything, but it wasn't like an instant attraction (on my part anyway).  I spent a lot of time looking at his face...trying to see if it is something I could 'live' with. Yeah yeah, looks aren't everything. I know that. I am not looking for a Ken doll.  But there has to be some element of attraction because he sure isn't rich enough to fall for his money!  haha. Oh that was bad. 

We talk a lot about work and a little about other things.  I honestly never thought I could date/marry a cop. (funny though that he made #4)  The hours are tough, the job could be dangerous, and statistically cops cheat on their significant other.

The bar was closing early for a private party, so we called it a night after an hour and a half.  Granted there were about 10 other bars next door we could have kept going.  So we depart and he hugs/kisses my cheek and asks me to go out another time.  I said sure...not sure if  I was being polite or that maybe a second time would be good just to get more information about him.  He even texted me to make sure I got home OK.

I consider myself to be an average person.  My face is OK, my body needs work.  So I feel sometimes that I can't get a more attractive guy because of my body.  But the guys I go out with all think I am really pretty or are surprised that I am better looking then they thought I would be.  Sure, I am flattered, but I am not attracted to them. 

Aggh. Who knows what will happen.  So Cop #1 will get some sort of Thank You.  And I met my goal for January for having one date.  Now to start worrying about where to find Mr. February.

Game Review: Apples to Apples and Blokus

I love games.  Not mind games, but the traditional old fashioned fun kind of games.   Growing up with three sisters was fun as we got older (me in high school, older sisters in college).  We spent some nights playing scrabble or rummy 500.  We'd play games for hours.  A lot of iced tea, some snacks and a whole lotta competition.  Now ten years later we don't get to do it as often, but now that their kids are getting older, it is a bit easier.  Over the next few weeks, I will write about a game or two that we have played over the years and my favorites and maybe you'll start playing too.

The first featured game is Apples to Apples by Out of the Box Publishing but Mattel took it over.  In 1999 Mensa International awarded this game one of their 5 annual game awards.  The game is designed for more than 4 people. Everyone is dealt some red cards (depends on how many are playing).  Every round there is a reader, that reader selects a green apple card.  The green cards have a verb written on them.  The green card is read out loud and each of the other players look through the red apple cards, which are nouns, and pick one that is the best fit.  The reader then shuffles the submitted nouns and then reads them out loud.  He picks out the red card he likes the most. It is very subjective..and it is best to know things about the other people.  Once the reader selects the best card, the green apple card is given to the person that submitted it.  The goal of the game is to get x number of green cards.  

This game is also made in a junior version (it is a green box) with words/people the younger kids will know.  We have played this game so many times, and love it.  The directions say it is played for 30-60 minutes, but depending on the level of fun and the people...it can go longer if you want it to. There are also a few variations you can try too.  It is a great travel game also since you don't need a board or pieces or dice or anything, just the cards. 



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 The second game for today is Blokus.  This is my absolute favorite game.  I saw it in a special game store in 2004 and thought my Dad would love it.  I was right!  I bought the Trigon version (which in my opinion is better than the square).  So how it works...it is easily played with 3 or 4 people.  Each player gets the same shaped tiles but in a different color.  The play goes clockwise and on each turn you place a shaped piece on the board - the piece needs to touch the tip of another one of your pieces.  A tip...not a side.  The object is to get all your pieces to fit.  You accumulate points (which are bad) with how many sub-shaped piece there is (not an actual piece, but how big that piece is).   Blockus was invented by a guy named Bernard Tavitian who is highly educated.  This game won a bunch of awards including the 2003 Mensa award.  The game is fabulous, and the more you play the more strategy you develop.  Depending on who you play with, the game changes.    My nieces and nephews really like this challenging game too.  It is fun for people of all ages.

Many people I have recommended these games to have loved them, and I know you will to.  So now go out and buy these games and have fun!

Baby it's cold outside: My favorite things - Winter Edition

To get to work, I walk 8 minutes to the train.  Wait 5 minutes and then take the train for 44 minutes.  I then walk 20 minutes to work.  That is my commute, it takes about 1 hour 15 minutes door to door, one way.  In the autumn and spring, my commute is nice and relaxing and sometimes in the summer I get off the train a stop earlier and walk 1.5 miles home...just because.  But in the winter, my commute can get tough. 

I walk in it all...rain, snow, sleet, wind, down pouring rain, heat - you name it.  I only took the subway to work twice in 5 years (once when I hurt my ankle and once when I thought there would be a lot of snow, but there was none).

My office tends to get really hot in the winter from the blasting heat that I always have my window cracked a little.  Wearing short sleeves in the winter is common (and sometimes long sleeves in the summer when the AC is on).  But getting to work in a short sleeved shirt? Not easy.  Last winter NYC was cold and windy. I would make bets with myself when I was walking how far I would get before I couldn't feel my toes/fingers/ears anymore.  It didn't snow too much, but the cold wind is brutal for walks.  So this year, I was going to be 'smarter' about my commute attire. 

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I have some decent looking coats, but in all honesty, the warmest of them is a plain black one.  I wear that even though it isn't 'pretty' or professional...it is just a plain coat.  It is warm, but it isn't perfect - so I have been wearing an underarmour zip-up that really helps against the wind.  This ultra thin extra layer has been a lifesaver for me - and I originally picked it up in the summer thinking when I rode my bike it would be nice to wear (I haven't ridden by bike in years).  I am OK that I wear two jackets and sometimes a sweater (the underarmer under the sweater) - my chest hasn't been cold yet!

Next area to tackle is the legs.  I wear normal pants.  A few of my pants are lined but most of them are not.  I wear these same pants all times of the year.   I wear either trouser socks or knee highs, so there isn't much additional foot protection either. Naturally my legs get cold because the only thing protecting them is some cotton or whatever it is pants are made out of.  This past summer I knew leg warmers were coming back...so when I was at a flea market, I picked up a pair to try.  They are thin but long - so I slide them up to my knees under my pants and wear them to work.  You can barely see them, and it makes a huge difference.  I need to buy a few more pairs!

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For my hands, I have been really bad and haven't worn gloves too many times.  When I do, on a normal cold day I really love my Totes/Isotoner gloves.  They are slim and I can move my fingers easily.  When it is super cold I wear these really thick gloves that look like ski/snow gloves.  They are not ideal since they are huge, but they do help with that extra protection when you need it - and I got them at Costco 6 years ago for like $15!

As for scarves? Well, I learned how to knit after my breakup.  More on that another time...but I have a TON of homemade scarves. My favorite is a thicker wool woven big, and made really long, so it keeps me warm all over my neck.

My last favorite winter item is my LL Bean boots.  When I moved to NJ I bought these for our winter house chores (shoveling, etc).  I barely used them since I moved out so quickly and they remained in storage for 2 1/2 years.  But when I re-found them, I fell in love all over.  They took a while to break in - especially the 'tounge' part, which was rubbing my leg the wrong way. But once that corrected itself, they have been wonderful.  I walk through anything in them - massive puddles, mounds of snow, you name it.  They have good traction when its slippery too.   The only downside to them is they are huge / heavy. But considering the benefits, I don't mind.

Pomegranates

I was at dinner with a three ladies from my book club last year and we were talking about fruits.  One lady grew up in India and was talking about pomegranates.  The three American women never had one and I didn't know what it looked like.  Sure it was the in 'super food', but I knew nothing about it, and was happy that my other two friends didn't either.  Our friend got up and went to the kitchen and brought one to show us and then let us help peel it to get those seeds out.  We each popped a few out and then got to taste it.  I thought it was juicy but crunchy.  Not bad, but I haven't had it since.


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 While at the grocery store on Sunday I picked up a pomegranate on the whim.  I figured I should try it again.  So last night I watched some CBS and picked apart my pomegranate and put in a bowl.  Then I realized...I wasn't sure how else I can eat it, or if it is only for eating the seeds. How many servings is a pomegranate? 

I am a bit busy at work today, so I haven't had time to do 'research' - so, if you eat pomegranates...let me know how you eat them.  Have you mixed them in muffins?  Do you make a juice? 

Cooking away...roasted chicken

I was off yesterday in honor of MLK.  Sunday night my sisters and I got together to play some games and I went to bed really late for me (2:30am!).  I woke up and by 9:30am I started cooking.  Remember one of my resolutions/goals for this year was to plan my meals and actually cook more. I used to all the time when I had someone else to feed, and while I stayed with my parents I cooked a lot.  But these days? It is shameful. 

One of the blogs I follow Cheap Healthy Good had a post about a roasting chicken and 4 recipes that you can make to use the chicken.  See, normally I cook once on the weekend and eat the SAME thing all week lunch and most dinners.  This I thought would be a good way to get back into the swing of cooking.  So, I go to the grocery store and spent $103.  Aside from the food, I also needed some basics.  The article claimed 17 meals for $26.  I was hesitant at first since I spent so much money.  But what it really comes down to is that I bought a sesame oil for $2.99 - but I only used a little bit ~0.36 cents worth and lets say red potatoes were $4 but I only used 4, which was 1/3 of the bag.  So you get the idea on how the money part worked.  I now have some things left over to be used another time.

I cooked the chicken (with potatoes and carrots) first, since that is the main food.  Simple and yummy.  I immediately took off all the chicken and set aside.  My chicken was smaller than she suggested (and way more money) so I decided to use all the meat for the other dishes. Since I want to cook more, but don't want to do it everyday, I decided I was going to make more than one meal and then I can just reheat.  So I made her suggestions of Chicken Picadillo - which was super fast & easy and I made the Sesame Noodles and Chicken Curry.  All these dishes were easy and fast.  And since it is hard to eat with out tasting...I tasted it all.  My favorite of the three was the Chicken Picadillo.  My least favorite is the Sesame Noodles - I mean, it is good, but it is cold and I don't know, lacking something. 

The chicken chili looks really good, but that requires me to do a little more work since I didn't buy canned beans, but the dry ones (to help reduce the sodium) and with dry beans comes more work of soaking - and I am not too familiar with that.

During all this I decided to also make my own chicken broth.  I normally use bullion cubes since it is easy and way cheaper than the pre-made canned variety.  However, since I have high blood pressure, bullion cubes do not come in reduced sodium and those big containers are almost $4 (I just made lentil soup on Saturday and used two of those containers!).  What an undertaking!  I threw all the bones and skin and small bits of chicken that didn't come off in with carrots and an onion.  And that had to simmer for at least FOUR hours.  Holy crap.   I didn't know exactly how much water I could have added to keep the full flavor - and I wasn't prepared as far as freezer space and storage solutions.  But since I had four hours and some of it I was also cooking, I had to call my mom to see if I can keep some of my already frozen food in her extra freezer for a week or two.  When it was finally 'ready' not that I knew what to look like, I put the pot in my sink with ice cold water to bring down the temperature and then ladled the broth into a strainer and then poured that into quart size zip locks (about 2 cups in each bag) and in some Tupperware containers.   It will be worth it and I am actually planning on doing this from now on!  I'll be saving money and it is healthier.

Anyway, from 9:30 am - 6:30pm I spent most of the day cooking for the week and I can't wait to eat some more of this.  Depending on how the next few days go, I might need to not be so ambitious next time (since it is just me eating it all) and maybe figure out if I can freeze part of the cooked chicken (or really how to defrost cooked chicken so it is edible and looks normal).

If you have a yummy recipe that you make that uses a roasted chicken, pass it along!

*oh, and for those that are curious (which I doubt) my mice ate the poison. I am blocking the door with my garbage can since I don't want them to get out & hopefully I won't see a furry thing when I open the cabinet...actually I didn't open it today, my Mom did. 

I named my daughter

So, I haven't told anyone this, ever: I picked out my daughter's name.  It was 2003 or 2004 and SI and I were talking about our future children.  I am trying to remember, but for the life of me I can't remember why we didn't talk about boys names, maybe we were going to be boring and name the kid after him or a father?  Anyway, we did a lot of research and we wanted something a little different but traditional.  I read so many websites and top names from the 1700s through present day (well until 2003/04).   Some names were definitely old sounding, as in it isn't bad for an old lady, but for a little kid? It was hard to imagine.

As soon as we heard it, we claimed it and swore we wouldn't tell anyone until we actually had a child or was pregnant.  Well, that never happened. So, I have been wondering for the last 4 years if I can still use the name we picked out.  It seems so wrong, but I like it.  And of course, when I said it everyday, would I think of SI?  I can't have that.  If I am fortunate to find myself a husband he & I would of course make our child's name decision together.  But, remember, I am 31 and I have been thinking about babies for a long time now.  I am too broke to really consider being a single mom...but at some point, I need to take matters into my own hands (I have previously posted about this).  So, should I go that route, where I find sperm from a bank or from someone who would donate sperm to me the 'traditional' way, and there is no father in the picture - the decision is all mine, and I could use that name.


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The name wasn't on the top 1000 names in a long long time, but today, after watching a recent movie where the name is featured - I thought I would look it up, and guess what, it is making a comeback - or I should say it has been making a comeback since 1998.  However, there seems to be some inconsistencies in its popularity on different websites.

The name means "maiden" in Greek, but there are rumors that it is actually Scottish in origin:  Cora.  And it actually sounded good with SI's I last name, but it works with lots of other last names too.  Well there you have it, the cat is out of the bag.  I figured it was time to tell, since in all reality it will never be my daughter's name.  But it will always be in the back of my head and when I hear it, I think about the daughter I never had with him or what that girl would have been like.



http://users.erols.com/dgalbi/names/us200.htm

I have a surprise house guest

This Saturday morning I woke up and started to make my To Do lists. I love lists, they really help keep me on track.  One list isn't enough. I have a calendar, a grocery list, etc you get the idea.  On my list was to clean out my fridge, which I have been meaning to do for weeks.   See, now that I live alone, I hate to waste garbage bags that aren't full, so I keep all my leftover food in the fridge so my apartment doesn't smell. 

I got rid of a lot of stuff, and as I was throwing it into my garbage (which is under my sink) I see these small brown ovals.   I look closely and curse.  Mouse droppings.  WTF?  I don't know a ton about mice, they aren't my favorite creatures.  But I did have one in another old apartment and as I was getting out of the shower, I see it running through my glass doors. I immediately hop in my bed (still only wearing a towel) and proceed to stay calm, I am way bigger than that thing...but it didn't work, and I ended up going into a panic attack and hyperventilating.

So, now that you know about my mouse fear...I see these droppings today and immediately run downstairs to the laundry room to sign up for the exterminator who, coincidentally, is supposed to come today.  I love our exterminator.  He is a nice old man. I don't know if he is doing the best work...but still, he is nice.  So I am patiently waiting in my apartment, he should be here any minute...and I wonder where that mouse is.   Well, two hours later, NO exterminator. I can't verify it is mouse droppings, although I am 99% sure and I was hoping he'd give me poison or a trap.  But I can't deal with seeing a mouse in a trap, or dead.  Although when they die they try to get outside, so that is good.

Oh what to do??   OK I just called, and he is going to come over right now special just for me (I didn't realize with the holiday it was pushed to next week).  He confirmed it was mouse droppings and put in two things of poison...and I said NO to the sticky pads.  The last thing I want to see is a furball.  He said all the food should be eaten in a day and the mouse/mice will probably die in my wall.  So I was smart enough to ask about the smell, which he confirmed I might smell for a day or so, depending on how many there are since the smell is the water that evaporates from the body or whatever.  Fun Stuff.  He did reassure me that it had nothing to do with my cleanliness (or lack thereof) but because for the last two weeks it has been freezing and they followed the pipes in.  Thank goodness I only saw it under my sick and not near any of my food/cabinets/etc.  

One of the many disadvantages of living alone...you have to deal with things that scare you.  I don't think I ever told you about my issue with bugs, but that is for another day.

My children will be fat

Yup, that is right, I am predicting my children (if I have any) will end up fat.  I know that seems crazy - but I just read in Prevention Magazine (a GREAT little publication) that because I am addicted to carbs my kid will be fat.  Check out the article - page 35 of the February 2010 edition.

What babies are fed in the womb is the 'problem'.  See, women supply their babies with the nutrients..  So, The higher the women's blood sugar then the more glucose that the baby gets. Therefor, the child develops more insulin cells.  So because of this, the baby will be born with more fat and as baby gets older it will over secrete insulin.

My mom is a little overweight, my grandmother and all her 9 sisters are overweight and diabetic.  Over the last 6 years, I have not been able to maintain the weight I would like to be.   And of course it gets harder as you get older. 

Sorry future kids. I will try my best to eat well when/if I am pregnant.

I've had it

I don't have much to say today. This week has been tough. Work has been a horror.  I've been in a horrible mood. I woke up at 3am today with what might be a sore throat?

I have a lot going on in my mind, but I can't seem to focus enough to put it into words or act on it.  I hate feeling like this. 

I already knew I needed to work on finding a new job, but I have never really gotten to the point of actually looking (well maybe last March when worked sucked just as much as now).  I hate to think a new job is the easy out.  But quiting scares me and I don't jump around so it really for me isn't an easy out, it has just been a realization of ALL the problems I am having at work and that it is no longer tolerable.  And on top of it, the salary SUCKS.  If I got paid more...yeah, I'd be OK (or at least better) with it.  But recent bachelor grads probably make more than I do. 

I am 31, but I am not living like a 31 should.  I don't know what the average salary for a 30 year old is, I don't know how many times that same average person eats out, sees friends, what kind of place they live in, what their savings account looks like. But I will tell you I fall short in all the categories.  If my other part of my life was happier and more fulfilled, I could tolerate some of the 'cons' I have now.  But to have so many, and not finding a happy medium is taking a toll on every aspect of me.

I hate that I am struggling so much. I hate that I don't get out of the house more because I don't have that kind of money. I hate that I try not to grocery shop that often to save money, and when I do go, the food doesn't last long because it is for bookclub meetings or monthly dinners.  I hate that this week I had pasta every night for dinner and dry Cheerios and applesauce or a meal bar for lunch (you would think I am thin..but not at all).  I just want to be 'comfortable'.  You know, have enough to occasionally eat out, have some drinks, go to a movie.  I've cut so much out and I have been miserable.  And people don't get it when I decline their invitations because I can't afford it.

I know my apartment is expensive in relation to my salary, and I will admit that I knew it would be a struggle, but I didn't realize how much.  I budgeted, it worked, but things come up or you spend more on gifts, or basic foods like milk and eggs and bread go up in price, as does the commute, health insurance, etc.  Selling my apartment seems harder because it is selling not just leaving it to go somewhere else. I will already loose money if I had to sell it and then where would I go?

I try not to think of things I want as being selfish. I really am not that kind of person.  But one has to be a little to be happier and then in turn they can help others more.  I'm not asking for unreasonable things, you know that. 

Hopefully this weekend, I can get off my sad/sick ass and actually put time into fixing my resume.  Looking for recruiters and thinking about what kind of job I actually want.  I have no idea, and I have no great interests so that part is really hard for me.

Wow, this is longer than I wanted, and way more unhappy sounding...sorry.

Opps I did it again

OK, this post is going to be Too Much Information.  But the reality is, it is life.  Maybe I should call it sex and the single women, but that doesn't really encompass what just happened.

My 'first time' was a mistake, as most first times are.  I was young, but not THAT young, I waited till college.  So I consider my first 'real' time with cop#1.  I liked it a lot.  We did it everywhere and I couldn't get enough.  I talked about how physical our relationship was in previous posts, and to this day, I have never felt that with anyone else. It was intense and amazing.

I then had a very brief transition guy, Allen.  I barely remember anything about our 3 months.

Then I met SI.  Over the years of being with him, I think we had a decent sex life.  Sure it varied but on average we did 'it' 6-10 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, it just depended. Then of course there was that little rut towards the end when it only happened once a week or not at all.  The sex was good most of the time, great sometimes and became disappointing over the last 4 years - where I wondered if it was ever really good or that our emotional connection made it seem way better.

After that I attempted with three other people. One that helped me through the breakup but I was never attracted to him and kissing him repulsed me, Doofy, and then there was Bank Boy.  If you are not familiar with Bank Boy, please read up - go to the labels.

Now, I can say "Oopps I did it again".  This guy is a bit....what is the word? Crazy? Stalkerish? Controlling?  Anyway he messages me his birthday is coming up and his wish is to 'be with me' again.  I thought about it and realized that I had sex all of FOUR times in 2010.  OMG yes I just admitted that in writing.  Scary.  Now hopefully you will have pity on me.  I don't believe in casual sex and I don't know how to meet a guy, so it just never happens.  So I said yes.  But I told him after he can not harass me and beg for more (which I don't know why he does because with the lack of practice on my end...I feel very not up to par. Imagine if I was? Or that I actually liked him?).  I know it is wrong to do based on his last actions and I know he will repeat but jeez, I need to get laid on a more regular basis. 

A note to my future boyfriend/husband...I will provide you with a good amount of sex.  I know what it is like to be so deprived and I have had three years of barely any that I need to make up for.  I want to keep my 'number' low, I don't want to mess around.  When I want to be...I can knock your socks off.  So...where are you? 

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days



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I found Sarah McLachlan about 7 years ago.  It was when my sister, her husband, SI and I decided to go to a concert - so I listened to her music so I would be familiar and be able to enjoy the concert.  At the concert, I really took a liking to the music even more; and I quickly became a fan.  I found more songs that I was able to relate to, and I liked not only her voice, but the simplicity of the sound - where you can actually hear the words and feel the emotion.

After my break up I was sad.  Very sad.  I found solace in listening to Sarah McLachlan.  It wasn't because SI was the one that introduced me (in fact, I forgot about that until I write this).  I have so many of her songs on my ipod and would just play them all and try to relax, fall asleep, or cry.  Aferglow is my favorite album and among my favorite songs are Train Wreck, Fallen, and Stupid.  I know that this album has the same tone and many of the songs sound the same but I can't get enough. 

I look forward to listening to some of her newer music.

What other songs were on my breakup list?  Here, I will share some:

Bee Gees - If I can't have you

Brian Adams - Please forgive me

Chicago - Hard habit to break

Diana Ross - Where did our love go?

Donna Summer - I will survive

Elvis Presley - Suspicious minds

Heart - Alone

Janis Joplin - Piece of my heart

Sarah Mclachlan - Train wreck

Journey - Open arms

Leona Lewis - Better in time

Chicago - If you leave me now

Matchbox Twenty - Bed of lies

Pat Benatar - Love is a battlefield

Pink - Hell wit ya

Rihanna - Take a bow

Rob Thomas - How a heart breaks

Sarah Mclachlan - Stupid

Third Eye Blind - How's it going to be

Fleetwood Mac - Go your own way

Jordin Sparks - Tattoo

Pink - Don't leave me

Lifehouse - Broken

Air Supply - All out of love

Barenaked Ladies - Call and answer

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on

I constantly am looked over, most people notice my large chest and others notice my straight teeth or brown eyes.  Aside from looks, people enjoy my baking and my witty personality (although not as much as they should).

However, no one compliments me on my ability to read upside down, that I can carry like 7 grocery bags at one time, the amount of time I spend alone, how I have handled 'being single', my taste in men, or even how much television I watch or how I manage to spend so much in the grocery store shopping for one.

These truth questions seem to get more ridiculous.

Day 9 1/2 - update on Someone you didn't want to let go, but you just drifted

On October 20th I posted about someone you didn't want to let go, but you just drifted (here) about a girl from college I was very good friends with.  In my little update (since I pre-wrote that to post when I was on vacation) I mentioned this girl emailed me out of the blue and that I was not sure if I was going to respond.  So I mark it with a star in email and contemplated for a while in what I should do. I asked a few friends their opinion and they all agreed that the email did not need responding to.

However, I am the person that doesn't feel right about not at least acknowledging the email but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say.  So I still didn't write back but it was in the back of my mind.  I then read that "Dare to Forgive" book and part of me was able to relate a scenario to this girl.  However, I was never really 'mad' at her, nor did I think I needed to forgive her as nothing happened but we just drifted, as so many people do when they grow up.  My most recent session with my life coach really focused on forgiveness and guilt and I realized I did need to at least respond to the email, even if it was 3 months later...but what to say? I kept it very short and did not commit to meeting in person.

I realized while I was reading it that if my life was different, I probably would not have hesitated to say yes right away.  But when she mentioned "There must be so much going on with you since we last talked...so tell me" I realized today could be a day from three years ago.  Nothing changed. Nothing. I am still at the same job, same apartment, still single (and wasn't even in a relationship).  Nothing changed.  Sure, I cut my hair 10 inches once...but that grew back.  How can I meet up with someone I haven't seen and hear about their life and all the things that have changed, when mine hasn't? It is similar when you find out someone is pregnant or married.  My sister tried to tell me she could be divorced, it might not be good things...but still, I don't know if I can handle it.  I would love to tell someone my life has been great or that something happened, but my life has been a blur for 3 years.  Even now when I am trying to self heal, I don't know what to do to make things happen, but I am very aware of my issues and that I want change. A good change.

We will see if she even writes back, she might have been insulted it took me three months to respond.  But I do feel better at least acknowledging her email.

Stylish Blogger Award

Hey, guess what?  Paul from Pfeiffer Pfilms And Meg Movies awarded me with the Stylish blogger Award.  What an honor!   Paul has been a faithful reader since he found me (I blogged about When Harry Met Sally one day) and even sent over a new follower!  So Thank you Paul!  If you guys like movies (and who doesn't?) with either Meg Ryan or Michele Pfeiffer then Paul is your man - check out his blog.

The rules for this award are as follows
1- Thank and link back to the person that awarded you this award,which I've just done.

2 - Share 7 things about yourself.
3 - Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4 - Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

So, my 7 things about me:
1 - I love popcorn, I pop on the stove and today I made kettle corn for the first time
2 - I am the third of 4 girls, but the only one not married and don't have kids
3 - I watch way too much tv in my free time.  But thank goodness for DVR so I watch less than I have to by removing commericals.
4 - I've only had two boyfriends
5 - I am good at puzzles
6 - I have a huge fear of bugs. I can not kill them - in fact, I cover the bugs with cups and wait for someone to come over and dispose of them
7 -  I have NEVER smoked a cigarette or have done any drugs
 
Now, as far as the awards...this is where I am changing the rules. I do not have 15 people reading my blog [sad face] so anyone that is a current follower that reads me I am sharing that award with you.  I have enjoyed each and everyone of your blogs, thank you and keep up the good work!

I have issues with our healthcare system

My nephew has pneumonia. Poor little guy.  Anyway, I called into work sick yesterday so I can help my sister, she hasn't slept in days.  She brought him to the doctor 3 times in two days - well really, two different doctors- the first was the after hours place at midnight.  Her insurance sucks, but she does have some - but she has to reach a deductible for it to really help her.  We are talking about this and of course on top of the no sleep she was upset about the money.  $300 one place  $500 another $185 another and then of course the different prescriptions they gave her $90 for one $45 for the other.  And I wonder...she went for the SAME thing each time.  The doctor got it wrong, medicine didn't work...so she had to try something else.

Why isn't our health care system better? A follow-up appointment should not be as expensive!  If the doctor doesn't know what is wrong and you have to keep going back, you shouldn't have to pay so much for that.  Maybe then we would have some better doctors or doctors that actually learn about diagnosing and not worry about which code to use to get paid the most.  I know our doctors are better here than in other places...and I tend to like my {internist} doctor but is it because he knows his stuff? No, actually I think every time I go there that he doesn't. There is always a referral somewhere else or to keep an eye on it to see what happens and then come back. 

Yeah, we live in America, we have freedom, blah blah blah.  But when it is at the point where I don't go to the doctor often because I can't dish out the $50 copay each time (thank goodness I don't have a family) and my sister doesn't get help from her insurance until she spends $5,000 a year...something is wrong.  The poor people and some of the non-citizens get free or hugely reduced bills and then the people that struggle (like me) - pay our taxes (so the poor can go to the doctor, get food stamps etc), make too much to be poor but no where near enough to live comfortably suffer.  I would like to not worry about getting sick, my grocery bill etc.  I am so tired of the injustice. 
But yet, I still have an open heart for those that truly need the help like the homeless.

Hoping my little nephew's fever breaks today and that he starts to eat otherwise he has to be admitted to the hospital - which will cost a bundle.  But seriously aside from the money (any parent is willing to go into debt for their kid) a hospital stay wouldn't be good for a 4 year old.  He will probably worry every time he gets sick that he'd have to go to the hospital and he already thought he was dying on Monday.

Book Review: "Dare to Forgive" by Edward Hallowell, MD

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Edward Hallowell, MD wrote "Dare to Forgive" in very basic terminology and used scenarios we can relate to.  Over the last few months I have been struggling with guilt, forgiveness and moving on.  Even though I followed the basic steps, I needed more.  I yearned to find out more about forgiveness and how I can actually forgive and not just think it.  There had to be something else I could do.  Right way, upon reading chapter 2, I knew this book would be helpful.  And Hallowell is upright and tells you it might not be easy.



Part One: What is forgiveness?

Not forgiving takes a toll on us; we are less happy, sleep bad, sad, loss of sex drive, headaches/pains, higher stress which can lead to heart disease, high blood pressure, etc.  Forgiving is necessary, not for them, for us.  So what is forgiveness? Isn't that we all think about at some point in our lives?  It could be something small or something big but no matter, forgiveness starts from enduring pain.

Hallowell talks about revenge, and how revenge is a natural first reaction to what has happened, but he strongly urges everyone to take a step back and not act on that feeling.  Revenge is temporary happiness.  You think up a 'plan' and act it out, but it is addicting and you may want more.  Revenge makes it worse for us, not just because you feel better after (because you generally don't. In fact, sometimes you want more) but because it could result in doing things you will regret and you could end up dead or in jail. 



Forgiveness does NOT mean you condone the other persons actions, want them to do it again, or even that you will forget what happens. Page 25 Hallowell finally gives us a definition.  Forgive, as defined by My American Heritage College Dictionary is "to renounce anger or resentment against".  So to forgive, we have to reject that anger.  This definition is important in forgiveness because it allows us to still feel, but to disown those feelings.

In the forgiveness is brave chapter, it really hit home for me when Hallowell says what I know "When you hate, you are the person who gets hurt" (pg 55) and of course "But if you do not learn to forgive and grieve, you are the one who will pay" so it is important to let go.  The more time that goes by, the more cynical, more irritable, more depressed and more angry you will be.  The first step in forgiveness is wanting to forgive.



Part Two: How to Forgive?

Forgiving yourself has its own chapter, and for good reasons.  Forgiving yourself is very important (and I mentioned this in a blog post of mine at least one or two times). Forgiving yourself is the hardest.  You can fool yourself into forgiving others (which of course isn't recommended) but you can't fool yourself.  If you are like me, you have conversations in your head and all those secret thoughts.  You know how miserable you are regardless of the front you can put up.  So to forgive yourself is necessary to forgive others (see my forgiving posts for more information on how) and it is a hard process since forgiveness is usually an interactive process (pg 118).  Hallowell suggests that talking to someone is necessary, whether you inflicted the pain or not.

How not to take it personal is another important chapter.  I think many times we forget that most often it isn't personal.  Hallowell gives a lot of examples we can relate to. 



A lover's quarrel had a paragraph that really hit home.  It was about when your partner acts out and says horrible things to you and pushes you away.  And you don't know why.  Well, here is the shocker - that person is horrible to you because they want you to feel how they are feeling and they don't know how else to do it (page 143-44).  I never made that connection but I am really glad this book has brought it to my attention. 



Forgiving your ex - This was a very important chapter for me.  Holding onto the love and the hurt are things we do to keep them around (even if it is in our head).  But we need to cease to live under their rule.  I won't necessarily say that we are playing to win, but what I have realized is that the wrong-doer 'wins' when you are hung up on them whether in love or hate he has that control over your life, and you need to let that go.  You need to 'win' and take control and not let it bother you...and then you will be happy.

Forgiving those who hurt us...and who won't apologize - This chapter was helpful for two reasons. One, there is a lot of truth behind it...many people won't apologize for their actions and it eats away at you. Two, it puts it into perspective and helps you find ways to lessen the hurt if full forgiveness isn't possible.

What to do when forgiveness just won't come - I loved this chapter because it really resonated with me and what I am going through. I have tried to forgive a lot, but it is still there that "hook" is still in me. 

The chapter "The Fear of Loss of Control" stated "forgiveness is so hard because it represents giving up on the wish that the past will be different....As long as you are hoping the past will change, you can be angry that it hasn't' (pg 221).  We all want control of things - and when something is out of our control we get upset to say the least. 


Overall I liked this book, it really helped me understand other aspects of forgiveness and it reassured me that the steps I have taken are good, but more still needs to be done.  I am walking away not only with that knowledge, but also with insight into the future.  There will be many times in the future where something will bother me, and knowing how to prevent that anger from getting so full force will benefit me in so many ways.  Currently, almost daily I am annoyed by people and their actions.  Sometimes I have let them get the better of me and I carry that annoyance for a day or so making everything on top of it seem like a bigger deal than it is.  Hopefully now I can take things with a grain of salt - that I can try not to let it infuriate me when people cut me off in traffic, yell at me at work, etc.  I am realizing that people's bad actions are because they are not secure enough in themselves.  They have issues, but I have control of mine, and I don't want the burden of that.  If I can lower (because realistically, eliminating seems impossible at this time) the instances where I get so worked up that I get hurt or where I can forgive people faster then I come out of it on top.
"Reaching forgiveness takes guts" (pg 15) and not everyone is capable of being strong enough, having the self-discipline, the courage or is brave enough to do so.  The person who hurts you is cowardly, in the sense that they could have prevented the hurt if they were honest and forthright.  They have more issues than you...and when you are truly hurt, it is a sign that you have decent morals because the pain caused is never something you can understand because it would never cross your mind to do so.  But Hallowell thinks if we can try to understand what led the other person to cause you pain, you will be able to forgive, and this is where I get stuck and where I realize I must work on this to complete the forgiveness process.

I think anyone who is angry or has been hurt and it has been going on for a while, should read this book.  You are not alone, and reading some of the stories within the book that you can relate to do help, even if in a small way.  I will be recommending this book to one of my sisters, and I just gave it to a co-worker.

1/1/11

I don't think I kicked off the new year the way I wanted to.  Although I just blogged hours ago, I went to bed at 11. I didn't care to stay up and watch the ball drop - and it was my way of just ignoring this over rated holiday.

So, I took a Nature Made Sleeping Aid pill, popped in ear plugs (not knowing what time loud neighbors would come home!).  I fell very quickly to sleep!  However I woke up at 2am with dreams or really nightmares of SI.  I don't know how he penetrated by dream.  But it was like he attacked me with words and made me feel crappy (nothing new there) and I shed a few tears which eventually woke me up.  Essentially telling me that he had a 4+ year old boy from this mistress (which means it was conceived when we were together) that he married the mistress stripper/bartender but divorced and she lives in our NJ house and that of course now he was with someone else.  I know it was a dream - and I know they are all things I assume...but the whole point of 2011 is that SI is not in the picture. And some how my wishes were already defied from my subconscious.  Great way to start my year of transition.

I am reading this book called Dare to Forgive by Edward Holloway.  I am about half way through the book and find this book really great when it comes to forgives and how we feel but more importantly why forgiveness is better for the hurt person then the one that inflicted the hurt.  Perhaps I will write a 'review' of this later this month.  You would think with all the 'work' I am trying to do on myself, that I would have made more progress. But perhaps to really get past it slow progress is the best way.  I didn't start this blog to write about my dramas - but writing about it does help, so thank you for tolerating all of those kinds of posts. And if someone can relate to what I have been through and learn something from me, even better! The last thing I want is anyone to live through what I have (yes, I know you don't have a full picture). I don't wish it on anyone. So, more of those posts will pop up here and there.

It's only day 1 of the new year, so I know 364 days still have hope!

Have a great day.