1/1/11

I don't think I kicked off the new year the way I wanted to.  Although I just blogged hours ago, I went to bed at 11. I didn't care to stay up and watch the ball drop - and it was my way of just ignoring this over rated holiday.

So, I took a Nature Made Sleeping Aid pill, popped in ear plugs (not knowing what time loud neighbors would come home!).  I fell very quickly to sleep!  However I woke up at 2am with dreams or really nightmares of SI.  I don't know how he penetrated by dream.  But it was like he attacked me with words and made me feel crappy (nothing new there) and I shed a few tears which eventually woke me up.  Essentially telling me that he had a 4+ year old boy from this mistress (which means it was conceived when we were together) that he married the mistress stripper/bartender but divorced and she lives in our NJ house and that of course now he was with someone else.  I know it was a dream - and I know they are all things I assume...but the whole point of 2011 is that SI is not in the picture. And some how my wishes were already defied from my subconscious.  Great way to start my year of transition.

I am reading this book called Dare to Forgive by Edward Holloway.  I am about half way through the book and find this book really great when it comes to forgives and how we feel but more importantly why forgiveness is better for the hurt person then the one that inflicted the hurt.  Perhaps I will write a 'review' of this later this month.  You would think with all the 'work' I am trying to do on myself, that I would have made more progress. But perhaps to really get past it slow progress is the best way.  I didn't start this blog to write about my dramas - but writing about it does help, so thank you for tolerating all of those kinds of posts. And if someone can relate to what I have been through and learn something from me, even better! The last thing I want is anyone to live through what I have (yes, I know you don't have a full picture). I don't wish it on anyone. So, more of those posts will pop up here and there.

It's only day 1 of the new year, so I know 364 days still have hope!

Have a great day.