I've had it

I don't have much to say today. This week has been tough. Work has been a horror.  I've been in a horrible mood. I woke up at 3am today with what might be a sore throat?

I have a lot going on in my mind, but I can't seem to focus enough to put it into words or act on it.  I hate feeling like this. 

I already knew I needed to work on finding a new job, but I have never really gotten to the point of actually looking (well maybe last March when worked sucked just as much as now).  I hate to think a new job is the easy out.  But quiting scares me and I don't jump around so it really for me isn't an easy out, it has just been a realization of ALL the problems I am having at work and that it is no longer tolerable.  And on top of it, the salary SUCKS.  If I got paid more...yeah, I'd be OK (or at least better) with it.  But recent bachelor grads probably make more than I do. 

I am 31, but I am not living like a 31 should.  I don't know what the average salary for a 30 year old is, I don't know how many times that same average person eats out, sees friends, what kind of place they live in, what their savings account looks like. But I will tell you I fall short in all the categories.  If my other part of my life was happier and more fulfilled, I could tolerate some of the 'cons' I have now.  But to have so many, and not finding a happy medium is taking a toll on every aspect of me.

I hate that I am struggling so much. I hate that I don't get out of the house more because I don't have that kind of money. I hate that I try not to grocery shop that often to save money, and when I do go, the food doesn't last long because it is for bookclub meetings or monthly dinners.  I hate that this week I had pasta every night for dinner and dry Cheerios and applesauce or a meal bar for lunch (you would think I am thin..but not at all).  I just want to be 'comfortable'.  You know, have enough to occasionally eat out, have some drinks, go to a movie.  I've cut so much out and I have been miserable.  And people don't get it when I decline their invitations because I can't afford it.

I know my apartment is expensive in relation to my salary, and I will admit that I knew it would be a struggle, but I didn't realize how much.  I budgeted, it worked, but things come up or you spend more on gifts, or basic foods like milk and eggs and bread go up in price, as does the commute, health insurance, etc.  Selling my apartment seems harder because it is selling not just leaving it to go somewhere else. I will already loose money if I had to sell it and then where would I go?

I try not to think of things I want as being selfish. I really am not that kind of person.  But one has to be a little to be happier and then in turn they can help others more.  I'm not asking for unreasonable things, you know that. 

Hopefully this weekend, I can get off my sad/sick ass and actually put time into fixing my resume.  Looking for recruiters and thinking about what kind of job I actually want.  I have no idea, and I have no great interests so that part is really hard for me.

Wow, this is longer than I wanted, and way more unhappy sounding...sorry.